I don't need your civil war!

..and I don't feel fine.

part of the division I work in is leaving. Not as in a spin off: each Director and Partner is seeking a different job on their own.
The problem is, our division is deeply fractured by an internal civil war.
The problem is, I belong to the part that has lost the war and that is leaving.

I didn't chose side: they simply started planning me on their jobs (Wolverine especially), and then the others started thinking that I belonged to Wolverine and eventually I was "marked".
This was okay in the past, I mean, my choice would have been different but I did find my place so I thought it would work.
But now Wolverine and his gang are dropping dead like flies at the end of the summer, and I don't know what will become of me.

(remind yourself, that you can't trust freedom when it's not in your hands
and everybody's fighting for their promised land!
I don't need your civil war!!!
It feeds the rich, while it buries the poor!
...look at the leaders we follow,
look at the lies we swallowed)


Luckily, Steve belongs to the other side, so at least the risk is balanced.
But I really don't know what I'm going to do. This happens with the worst possible timing: the job market here is non existent right now.


On a more positive note, Wolverine prepared me a new training schedule which is VERY hard, but so far I'm managing to stick to it. There it goes:

Day 1 - 10km running at 10.5km/hour. No stops allowed
Day 2 - 2km warm up; 10 times 400mt at 12.5km/hour, with intervals of 1minute and 30 seconds between each 400mt, walking at fast pace (6-6.5km/hour)
Day 3 - two times 5km or 3 times 3km, at 11.5km/hour.
Extra day: 1 hour of cardio

Let's hope this will boost my metabolism.
Weight is stable. At least I'm not gaining. Am kinda worried about Xmas, but I really hope to manage to put in some extra training sessions.

There must be an angel looking over me

Just when I've decided that since I'm working all alone, in a lonely room, I'll skip lunch altogether, Jules calls me.

"Lucy! come have lunch with us"

Jules is my co-worker at the moment, and he's adorable. I can't say "No thanx", because he'll know I've skipped, and he'll wonder why do I prefer to sit alone than have lunch with friends.

So I go, and I order a pizza.

800 kcals of fat, ready to stick to my hips for the next 80 years or so.

And then, a miracle happens, and my pizza doesn't come. The boys get theirs, apparently there's been some mix-up with orders, and mine doesn't come. After half diet coke and 40 minutes, I have to go back to the office because I have to attend a meeting. I promise I'll grab something on the way back (of course I won't), and I leave, fasting and safe.

Thank-you, my angel

PS. am still over 130lbs, although slightly. BMI: 20.9

I feel I can reasonably drop 5lbs by Xmas, but facing Xmas break will be complicated.

Para para paradise

A bit of nostalgia over the amazing places I've trek through.... Luckily, Steve is back home, for good.

I thought I'd share some pics.

after the monsoon, waterfalls are at their best, and villagers build swings for their kids

Fat Lucy wondering "Will this thing hold my weight?"

Over the harvest season, Tibetan refugees work hard

Annapurna literally means Goddess of the harvest

Yaks look so lovely, and yet, can be really aggressive... mind these horns!

Early start in the morning, in order to reach the pass

At 5.416mt one would think one would feel high... Yet, you get to see Dhaulagiri, almost 3000mt higher...

Drugs

In first place, I would ask you not to judge.

In second place, please skip this post entirely if you feel that you can’t stand talking about drugs, if you hate drugs, and even more if you’re insanely attracted to drugs.

I mean it, okay?

When I was 18, for almost one year I did a lot of drugs.

Even though I have no regrets, when I say a lot, I mean, well, a lot. Like, over 3 grams of coke every week, plus lots of weed and occasional other recreational things (like, twice a month something else on top).

After 9 months or so, I realized that the boy I was dating and I were on different paces: recreational for me, addiction for him. Eventually, after cutting drugs off my life, I cut him off as well, because we made different choices.

Nowadays I’m basically clean, by which I mean that I may smoke (very little) weed a couple times a year, and same thing for the white stuff (of course not at the same times). Considering I don’t smoke cigarettes at all, I’m fine with this lifestyle, and please, I don’t need judgments.

However, let’s face the truth: cocaine makes things damn easy. Not only I feel no urge to eat, on the last two times I did it, on the next day I went running and girls, it was AMAZING. It makes me feel like I could run forever, and I manage to keep a faster pace than usual (two months ago I managed to keep a 11.5km per hour pace for 6.5km, which is a little over 4 miles I think).

Two people in my family are cardiologists, so yes, I know everything about the side effects. I repeat, I’m not a regular. I will never be. I have no urge towards drugs.

But girls, I could almost entirely stop eating through it.

Inception - the dream is collapsing

"Well dreams, they feel real while we're in them, right? It's only when we wake up that we realize that something was actually strange. Let me ask you a question, you...you never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what's going on."

I love how Marion Cotillard is skinny...

Someone like you (Adele)

I heard that you’re settled down, that you found a (skinny) girl

and you’re married now, I heard that your dreams came true

I guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

(And I heard she’s skinnier than I’ve ever been too)

Old friend, why are you so shy (and why are you still so skinny and gorgeous?)

ain’t like you to hold back, or hide from the light (oh no it ain’t like you, remember how you used to hit on me all the time?)

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it

(but I would only do that in my dreams I'm too fat to show up)

I hoped you’d see my face and be reminded that for me it isn’t over

(and it’ll never be, this ED will never be over)

Nevermind!

I’ve find someone better than you

I wish nothing but the best for you two

don’t forget me, I beg (I still beg to get skinny)

I’ll remember you said (yeah you said I was getting fat and you were damn right)

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

(and sometime one just gets fat instead, like I did)

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

(and yes sometimes ED hurt)

you know how the time flies

only yesterday (well.. only 7 years ago that is)

it was the time of our lives (yes it was because I was so skinnier than I am now... even though not skinny enough apparently)

we were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days (oh yes I was skinny it was glorious)

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and be reminded that for me it isn’t over (and when are EDs over?)

Nevermind!

I’ve found someone like you (better than you actually)

I wish nothing but the best for you too

don’t forget me I beg I’ll remember you said sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

nothing compares

no worries or cares

regrets and mistakes (of binges)

and memories made

who would have known

how bittersweet

this (EDNOS) would taste

nevermind

I’ll find my skinny body again

I wish nothing but the best

for you too

don’t forget me

i beg (‘cause one day I’ll be skinnier than your wife and why should her name be Anya after all? One could simply say you married ANA instead of me. And I promise it, but not to you, I promise to MYSELF THAT I'LL GET FUCKING SKINNY NO MATTER THE PRICE)

I’ll remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

(This, is B)

Family drama - Fitness thinspo

Previously on Waiting for the miracle to come:

Grandfather: about 10 days ago, he went nuts and hit multiple times my grandmother with his crutches. Both of them are 88, both have serious health issues, and lived at home. After the hitting and another violent outbreak, and he begged us to take him away from home, we found him a place in a nursing home, which is honestly not bad, in a nice place with a great view (and that charges us 2.500 Euros a week - over 3 thousand USD).

From then, it's been downhill, and not in a good way: after a couple of days he started forgetting things, then stopped eating and so on.

In this episode

After working on Saturday (fuck), yesterday I went with the Sponsor (aka Dad) to see Grandfather. In addition to not eating, he's completely lost his mind (in less than 10 days). He has no clue about where he is, is desperate to go home.

Grandmother, however, is having serious problems and may need to replace her knee prosthesis, which at 88 is no small deal.

Dad is not doing good either, working too much and with too many things on his shoulders, the last thing he needed right now was facing his own crying father, who was begging to be taken home.

And in this mess, nobody even guessed that he could stay with my parents: when they got married, he cut them financially, and never ever helped them out, so the Panther (aka Mom) pretty much hates him, and can't really be blamed for that, so there's no way in hell she would agree to look after him. Dad, on the other side, works well over 70 hours every week, so he's no option either.

All in all, this was deeply depressing. I'll try to use these nursing home souvenirs as a motivator for hitting the gym more often.

In the meanwhile, have some fitness thinspo and motivators!

winner of NYC Marathon 2011 (woman)

not good

I am so fucking fat that my stockings hurt my leg badly by 2PM at work.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE LUCY GET UP!!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice weekend lovelies

Never Let Me Go (From The Million Dollar Hotel Soundtrack)

Autumn thinspo

I couldn't make it for Halloween... Sorry guys. Some huge family issues came up.

Anyway, here's my Autums thinspo, hope you like it!

Allow me to begin with... Autumn Reeser!

Fallen leaves make the season, don't they?

Alessandra Ambrosio is always my fave

Pumpkin anyone???

Sally and Jack are so skinny..

Heaven

Dear lovelies,

Autumn has come, and within 30 days S is moving back home, leaving the UK for good and coming home with me.

I can't tell you how happy I am. These 12 months have been hard on me, and I have missed him dearly. Now we will be back to our old routine, waking up together, walking to work together, sharing lunch with our friends, cuddling on the couch at night... oh I can't wait!!

Now our dreams are coming true

through the good times and the bad,

I'll be standing here by you!

And baby you're all that I want

when you're lying here in my arms,

I find it hard to believe: we're in heaven!

In the meanwhile, although we don't really celebrate halloween down here, I'm putting together a little halloween thinspo... I'll try to post it tomorrow!

LoseIt - quick update

Lovelies,

I got an account on LoseIt (idea taken from skinny Lina - thanks!!!)

Anyone wants to connect?

you can find me under Lucy Shadow

I would love to be connected, it would help with motivation.

Enjoy your weekend!!

xoxo

Namasté. I'm back, but where is my shadow?

On October 4, I left Italy and flew to Kathmandu, via Delhi.

I left in the form of an ugly cow (not a sacred one), with my awful 135lbs and 21.4BMI (61.2kg).

I decided I had to live this journey, and I mean to really live it and stop thinking about my body.

It was a physical and spiritual journey, hiking almost 200km, from 800mt to 5416mt, walking through the Himalayan peaks that surround the Annapurna, walking with people from many countries.

We started from the rain forest, surrounded by huge butterflies and monkeys, walked through higher woods, where a musk deer suddenly crossed our path one morning at dawn, reached the pine trees, where long donkey caravans carried all kind of objects.

Then we've seen the Tibetan refugees harvesting buckwheat in the sunset, while we made prayer wheels spin, we hiked more, where no more trees grew and yaks are bred, and then climbed up until we reached the ice.

Finally, after the pass at 5.416 (Thorong La), we started the descent through Mustang and the Kali Gandaki, walked some more through a sand storm, and then, it was over.

I will post some pics, but it will take 10 days or so before I get them.

I did lose a little (am currently 132.9lbs, BMI 21.1 (60.3kg), but I think I also gained some muscle weight.

S is moving back from London at some point around the end of November.

In the meanwhile, we all know what I need to do, n'est ce pas?

PS Marcus, did you erase the blog or something? I miss you my friend.

In my secret life

Although I had at least 200kcals of French fries last night (due to celebrations with an old friend), I am still losing, and I woke up this morning at 134lbs (60.8). I’m dropping 250gr on average on good days (c.0.6lbs).

Depending on my mood, it feels somewhere between barely okay and definitely not enough.

But could I possibly drop faster? Considering I’m working every day well over 12 hours, up to 15? I mean, I even went to the gym 4 times so far this week.

Every time I step in front of a mirror, I expect to see the skinny girl I used to be. Instead I get a blobby mess staring back at me. I proved to be capable to go down to 118lbs (54kg) last year, but that’s still 18.9BMI. Still blobby.

What I want is what I used to be as a teenager: 104lbs. 47kg. 16.5 BMI.

The only time in my adult life I got back to that weight, I screwed up work, and that I can’t do. Because even if no money is no food, I need a place to live, I need to pay the gym fee, I need nourishment for my soul.

Somehow, after all this time, I’m still waiting for a miracle to come.

kinda tired

I've been working for 14 solid hours. I have 3 more hours ahead, than 8 hours off, than I'll have 15 hours working and 7 off for the next .... ugh..... 9 days.

(no I'm not paid for overtime).

how am I supposed to train?

anyway, I gained two kilos over the weekend, then lost them again between monday morning and this morning (wednesday). I hope to be 60kg (132.3lbs) by September 16. that will still be disgusting. Maybe I should aim lower.

fuck it, I need to get back to work.

lots of love

Time

It's awfully slow, but it's progress.

I'm at 134.9 (61.2kg). Disgusting I know, but still a tiny bit less disgusting than 138.

Work is awful again, I'm working with a two faced bitch for over 14 hours a day.

Luckily I'm leaving tonight for London - can't wait to be in Steve's arms.

In 32 days I'll be leaving for Nepal - goal weight for that date: 128lbs (still fat, but it's just a first goal).

Time flies, I can't believe summer's over, I can't believe September only has 4 weekend, I would need at least 7 weekends to do all I have to do. Still, weekends = weight gain, so that's a good thing there aren't too many I guess

Will update more next week - right now I'm really out of time

I almost had it all

What a fab weekend I just had!

It was the best summer weather ever. I was at the lake, and we had warm days, with a nice wind from the north, deep blue sky, shining water.

Yesterday morning I had promised to help out at my neighbor's sailing club in order to prepare food for the regatta; however, after 2 hours of chopping onions (lol), a friend of mine asked me if I could join him for the regatta since he was lacking a bowman and of course I said yes!

So I quickly changes from my apron into shorts, t-shirt and swimsuit and hopped on his boat, which is this kind of boat:

We had a lot of wind, sailed having so much fun and ended winning the regatta! Since I had plans with Mom right after it, I skipped both lunch and the after-regatta pasta party!

Then I went with Mom and Granny to watch the fireworks, and then...

....I realized summer is over for me. I mean, I'll be in London next week (and up there it's chilly already), and then it will be Fall.

The nice thing is my last summer weekend ROCKED.

The less nice thing is how all the people at the regatta made comments on how I gained weight since last year. And it's true.

So I came back to the city this morning carrying supplies for the week: zucchini, salad, and two eggs, all from Mom's garden. That's the healthy plan for the week.

I hope you all had great weekends, and for those who live in the Southern Emisphere: spring's coming soon! stay strong!

I tasted the answer and my body was weak

Let’s start again.

Summer is over, I’m back to work, another year is starting. I got my promotion (yay).

Summer is still here, with 36° (97F) outside, no AC at my place, and worst of all, me at 138lbs (62.6kg), BMI 21.9 (disgusting).

Now it’s time for a fresh start. I don’t have any promotion in sight this year, and I won’t let work ruin my body anymore. I need to train pronto, since on October 4 I’m leaving for Nepal, where I’ll spend 2 weeks trekking around the Annapurna with dad.

Vacation was dedicated to family and mountaineering (1^st week, including climbing Monte Rosa as I mentioned, up to 4.554mt or 14.941ft), and then to quality time with S, love of my life (2^nd week, which included some hiking, a lot of sunbathing and even more love making).

All in all, I loved my vacation. I am fat, but I will get better very soon. I know I can do it, as I did it in the past. I have faith in me, and I have faith in you all, lovelies. I am still catching up with your blogs, so if I haven’t commented on your blog yet, I will do it soon.

I love you all and I really hope you’re having a good time. I’m sending you strength and encouragement.

On vacation - quick update

Lovelies,

I'm not reading nor writing, as I'm on vacation and I spend 12 hours every day on my notebook when I'm at work, so I try to avoid it completely when on vacation.

Good news: I just came back from hiking Monte Rosa (second highest mountain in Europe) and lost c. 2kg in 2 days (plus water weight, but that will come back sooooon)

Bad news: my family bought an ice cream machine. We'll test it today.

Great news: S is joining me tonight and will spend with me the next ten days.

Love you all, I'll be back on the week of August 22nd

xoxo

I would die for you

Okay, let's face it: I've been failing for months.

Plans? Bullshit.

I just have to stop eating.

Just like I did last year. I won't see S for two weeks, and I must take full advantage of it by NOT EATING.

I'll be at the Parents' place for the weekend, I'll try to skip some of the meals by going out jogging.

I love you all

Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas

(I'm fine, don't worry)

I never saw the movie, but I read the book when I was still living in France, and I loved it.

I love the song anyway... it's for me and for each one of you. I'm sorry I'm not posting much, I love you.

PS. Things are not very good right now, but I'm fine. I'll be fine. Don't worry. I just need an angel to come and get me. Yeah, it's one of these days, when you think "I might die tonight, just close my eyes in my bed and never wake up". But I will wake up, I promise.

Lucy, take another walk out of your fake world

please put all the food out of your hand

you'll see that you can breathe without no back up

so much stuff you got to understand

for every step in any walk

any town of any thought

I'll be your guide

for every fast or any binge

any place you've never been

I’ll be your guide

Lucy, you know there's still a place for people like us

the same blood runs in every hand

you see it's not the wings that makes the angel

just have to move the bats out of your head

for every step in any walk

any town of any thought

I’ll be your guide

for every street of any scene

any place you've never been

I’ll be your guide

Lucy, easy as a kiss we'll find an answer

put all your fears back in the shade

don't become a ghost without no colour

cause you're the best paint life ever made

On Scarsdale

Previously of Waiting for the Miracle

It seems that my family is determined to spend most of their spare time telling me how fat I've become. This is even more weird given the fact they keep stuffing my face with food whenever I'm at the Parents' place. The Panther (aka Mom, who, FYI, is overweight) keeps bugging me, then comes up with healthy plans such as:

- having dinner at 11.30PM on Saturday

- Sunday lunch: fried pumpkin flowers (about 10 each), homemade mayo (about a lot too much each).

The only exception to this is Bro, who as always is skinny as a bitch, but who thinks a BMI between 21 and 22 is nobody's business but mine. I love Bro: he understands and never ever criticizes when I'm fasting, and he doesn't bug me when I'm fat.

Now

As much as it may hurt my feelings, the parents are right. I look horrible.

Since nothing else seems to work, I have decided to (temporarily) give up my principles. I've been vegetarian over the last 6 years, but I'm going on Scarsdale diet.

Started yesterday, am loosing already, but let's also keep in mind yesterday I've hit the gym twice (yeah, 2 times), burning over 1000kcals only on cardio.

In the meanwhile, I won't be at the Parents' place for two weeks, so I really hope to drop enough to shut them up by the time I'll go there. So, scarsdale.

Start weight: 138lbs / 62.6kg (BMI: 21.9) (shame on me)

Day 2: 136.5lbs /61.9kg (BMI: 21.7) (still disgusting)

14 days Goal: 120lbs / 54.5kg (BMI: 19.1) (a little bit better, still far from my ideal weight of 110lbs or 50kg)

(oh, and let's be honest, 99lbs / 45kg would be even better)

I really hope this Scarsdale thing works.

Love you lots

Another phone call

The Panther (aka Mom) "There's something I need to tell you"

Lucy "Sure what's up?"

The Panther "I met G, you know, my friend?"

Lucy "Sure, I saw him on Saturday night by the way"

The Panther "Yeah well, he told me he saw you, and he noticed how fat you've become"

anyway, I love this clip

and I love you all

ouch

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine

Happy birthday to me!

Well, I didn't get Alessandra Ambrosio's looks (and skinny body) for my birthday, but

I am losing

slowly.

136.5lbs (61.9kg) this morning. BMI: 21.7

small steps, but it's the right direction.

Also, Marcus message was a great birthday gift by itself. I hope you decide to stay in touch, my friend. Of course, whatever your decision will be, I will respect that, but I do hope you'll stay.

And, Ivi, I was so happy to find you!!! Your creativity always leaves me speechless.

Oh, in case you were wondering... I'm going to rock the city tonight. I'll be hanging out at Cavalli's place. After all, why bother living in the city of wonder if you don't take advantage of these things?

Love you all

Stand there and watch me burn

Seriously, Dad.. what is it that you wish exactly?

I know what you think.

You think that I'd look good when I'm 110lbs (50kg), with a BMI of 17.5.

You also think I'd look even better at 99lbs (45kg), or BMI 15.8.

Yeah. You do, and you're right. The only time I actually remember you thinking I was too skinny, I was when I dropped to 90lbs (41kg), BMI14.4, and that was after two weeks of illness (most of the time I was actually unconscious). And I was 16.

But the thing is, I know you're right. I know you are, and I understand that you're ashamed of me right now. So I'll get better Dad, I promise. I can't promise to reach 99lbs,because I don't think I can do it while working this job, but I'll get better. The first 2.3lbs are gone.

So I'm now 137.3 (62.3kg), BMI 21.8. It's horrible, but it's the right direction at least. The first step of a long stairway to heaven.

Do you reckon maybe Steve will want to marry me if I drop 20 lbs? Let's try and see, shall we?

PS thanks for your comments, you lovely butterflies. I love you, really.

Tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me

Every year, for some reasons, I’m miserable for my birthday. It’s usually one of the worst weeks of the year.

Mostly, my family makes me miserable. They don’t mean to, yet they manage to make me cry every year. It’s true, I always say my bday isn’t a big deal to me, but hell, of course I’m lying. I do it because back in my teenage things used to go so wrong that deep down I’m still afraid of celebrations.

Steve will be away, since my birthday’s on Wednesday. That’s bad enough, but at least he’s flying in for the weekend. I asked him to take his Friday off, so we could spend a long weekend at my parents’ place by the lake, but when he bought the ticket he forgot, so our weekend will basically last one day and a half.

Bro promised long ago to arrange BBQ at his place on Saturday night with friends. When I called him on Saturday, to compliment him about his performance on a national regatta, I asked him about details. The answer? “Oh, I totally forgot. Sorry Sis, I’m working on Saturday, so that can’t be done”. I didn’t complain but it hurt like hell.

Finally, after planning the weekend with my parents, last night dad told me they’re leaving for a short trip on Wednesday and they probably won’t be home before Sunday night (we’re leaving on Sunday at noon, since Steve’s got his flight on Sunday afternoon).

Sorry if I’m childish, but I do feel neglected.

But the truth is, the worst thing is there’s only one thing that would really make me happy. The only gift I want is for Steve to ask me. And this is not going to happen.

Oh, also, Dad had something to tell me last night, after we went running 4 miles. He said I need to drop weight pronto. He said I look awful, that I’m at my worst ever and that I need to stop eating right now. And of course he’s right, but it kinda hurts when people you love feel that they need to say it, doesn’t it?

Maybe I shouldn't take love for granted. Maybe they just don't love me anymore because I'm ugly. And after all, I should have known it. Nobody loves failures.

Back from wonderland

I'm sorry I've been missing for so long.

Blogger let me down, and for a few days I could no longer access to my account.

Then I went to Greece with Steve. It was amazing, just taking the time to lay in sun, share a drink, make love, sleep, swim in the crystal blue sea.

Of course there are downsides: I'm fatter than ever. Seriously, I'm close to my maximum weight ever, being right now 63.3kg (139.6lbs). BMI: 22.1

At least I've got a great tan.

I swear, I'm taking this situation into my hands. Went shopping this morning, and I did not buy any carbs, just spinaches, apples, fat-free milk and salad.

Also, I went back to the gym this morning and I'll strictly stick to a minimum of 4 training sessions per week (usually I burn 600 to 1000 kcals, because yes, when I'm at the gym I do work very hard).

I'll proceed reading and commenting you all lovelies.

Laminaria

So I finally got the infamous Laminaria Digitata.

Started taking it yesterday, after waking up at an infamous 62.2kg (137.1lbs), gaaaaaaaa disgusting.

I'll weight on Friday before leaving for Greece... my fat friend has been on this stuff for 3 weeks and lost weight for the first time in her life.. I really need a miracle.

Also, I called my grandmother on Monday, to wish her a happy 88th birthday, and she started crying on the phone. So not our style (we tend to never show emotions, in the family). I kind of panicked. I feel so sorry for her, but there is very little that I can do. She cried because she knows she's 88, she never gets to see people anymore (because they live in a tiny village of 18 inhabitants, and also because Pops has argued with every acquaintance over his life, since he's like that), she never gets to leave the house, she can barely walk on her own, and well, I guess this is enough to make anybody cry, isn't it?

As for the promotion, well, nothing's official yet, and I don't want to jinx it, but I've unofficially been told that I'm on the wagon :-)

Love you all

Classic beauties? meh

I have nothing left to say.

Each day I stuff my face with food and I don't dare purging... Mainly because all of my colleagues would be aware of it: I HATE WORKING AWAY FROM THE OFFICE. We left 5 weeks ago.

I'm leaving for vacation in 10 days. How the hell am I going to wear a bikini unless I lose at least 8kg (c. 16 lbs) is a total mystery.

Also, on Monday the top management will decide on promotions. If I'm not promoted to Manager, I may as well stop working and dedicate myself full time to job-hunting.

Okay, enough about me. In Italy, somebody posted an article babbling about how classic beauties are not skinny, and making them skinny on photoshop just to show how skinny women are not attractive and this kind of bullshit. Now, honestly? I'm posting the most famous pics, I think they're way sexier than the originals, but still a bit too chubby.

The original Gioconda

The skinny Gioconda

Botticelli's Venus

Skinny Venus

Work, and 21.5 BMI. Even my shadow is fat

Work.

Work.

Work.

And there is nothing else.

No trace of Ana.

I still have great trouble sleeping (although it is getting a tiny bit better), I'm still a fat hippo (135.6lbs, or 61.5kg or 21.5BMI). Fuck.

Is Salman Rushdie Ana?

I don't think so, yet..

"All my life I worshiped her,

...how she made us feel,

how she made me real,

and the ground beneath her feet...

And now I can't be sure of anything,

for what I worshiped stole my love away...

oh come back!"

Magic stuff

Song of the day:

Monster,

how should I feel?

Creatures lie here

looking through the mirror

Breaking news:

Kat, best friend (fat chick) has just announced that she has started taking LaminariaDigitata 4 days ago and she has recorded a "Visible weight loss" (I'm not gonna ask her how much).

Does anyone know this thing? Recommendations?

So I kind of need this stuff NOW because let's be honest, at 136.5lbs (61.9kg) even I wouldn't marry myself. I pretty much feel marriage repellent right now, and let's not even mention I'm leaving for Greece in 20 days. Bikini panic anyone?

Love you all sweeties

PS I haven't slept more than 2 consecutive hours over the last 3 weeks... so forgive mistakes and ramblings... I can't breathe, allergies are kind of killing me. The only solution would be huge amounts of corticone, and right now that's not even an option

GET UP LUCY

You're disgusting

You smell of puke

You're a fat hippo

Pull your shit together and GET UP

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

One of these days

Today is one of these days in which I think Mum may be right and I'm probably going to die still being a spinster.

Today I am so fat I don't even care that I have three spots on the left side of my face, because nobody will notice them since the attention will be on my monstrous legs anyway.

Today everything good is so far away, Steve, the weekend, my cat...

Today I'm so sick with allergies I'll probably spend more time sneezing and coughing than working.

Today I hate my fucking fat self.

But I love you all.

I survived Easter gaining 1kg.

I guess it could have been worse, but this leaves me with 32 days before bikini time in Greece.

My new favourite thinspo is:

So yeah. Embarassing AND pathetic.

So it's really time to gather our strenghts, ladies. Summertime is coming, and there will be no forgiveness.

Ana is my doctor

I don’t know what happened to me. Ana dumped me.

Doubt startin' to creep in, everyday it's just so grey and black.

Hope, I just need a ray of that, 'cause no one sees my vision: when I say it out loud, they just say it's whack!

But they don’t know what an ED is!

You came to me when I needed it, but you're either getting lazy, or you don't believe in you no more.

You're supposed to fucking be MY mentor, I can endure no more! It was YOU who believed in me!

Ana, I'm crying in this booth, you saved my life, but I can’t never repay you!

But I ain't giving up faith, and you ain't giving up on me: Get up Ana! I'm dying, I need you, come back for fuck's sake cause

I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor

Call me a doctor

I need a doctor, doctor

To bring me back to life

Wolverine (my boss) is coming tonight. Working dinner, it’s gonna be hard (am in Tuscany right now, where food is so full of calories you wouldn’t believe it). I’m skipping lunch in order to prepare for it, but it’s going to be hard. Tomorrow I’m fasting. I swear, I don’t care that Wolverine will notice.

And after all, who am I kidding? Wolverine has just dumped his fat wife to get together with the skinniest (Topamax addicted) chick of the office.

Then this thing turned out so evil, I don't know why I'm still surprised

(to my ED) But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind I keep swinging. I don't even ultra-super-mega binge. Honest. I never get to the point I consider puking. Then I realize I've fagocitated 2500kcals in a single day. ...and it's sick that all these battles, are what keeps me satisfied... I don't know. My mounth is still tore up due to the tooth estraction, therefore puking is not an option. I've never been much of a MIA, but I'm considering this: I need to drop the fat. I must stop the binge. Therefore, (as soon as my mouth heals), I may consider throwing up after bingeing, as a punishment (I don't believe in throwing up for losing weight: it takes 20minutes to absorb the calories; my massive overeating happens at the parents' place, where coffee goes on for a while after eating, so puking would happen too late to help). Effing disgusting, I know. I must stop running away, and start facing reality. Each calory counts. At least I'm still training hard.. On to another subject. Bloggers sometimes disappear. Sometimes someone we specially care for disappears, and when it's within the blogorexia, it's often scary. Did they drop out because they're happy? I hope so, but often don't believe it. Marcus from Do you like lemones? disappeared, and even cancelled his blog. Marcus, I hope you're doing great, but I miss you. Miss Burton, on the other hand, may be back. I really hope she decides to come back to the blogorexia, because I missed her too! Belle, who later turned into Rogue, is another beautiful person I lost track of. And I think everybody remembers (wonders?) about Ana Regziz. Love you all sweeties. I'm not commenting much, but I'm still reading!

Well, well, well

I had my wisdom tooth taken out on Friday, and it didn't go very well.

But the good news is, I still can eat very few things, and I lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) since Thursday.

So this morning the scale told me 59.5kg (131.2lbs). BMI: 20.8, for the first time in 2011 below 21.

Not my goal of course, but a good start in the right direction.

The only problem is, my face looks like someone spent hours kicking it like a foot-ball.

Also, I have been training hard over the last two months for my annual mountaineering ski tour with my father, this year from Verbier to Saas Fee starting March 11.

However, both my vacations for the week of March 11 and for Easter have been cancelled at work, so right now things suck badly.

Once again, Steve's furious because he has taken days off and bought an expensive ticket to come here for Easter. And he's right, this is totally unfair.

However, Wolverine (my director) said "You can't expect to take days off AND be promoted to Manager". So what can I possibly do?

POWERFUL

Due to work issues, I have been water fasting over the last 30 hours... and I finally feel like I can do it, I can go back to the place I was, and Ana will come back to me, step by step. I feel powerful.

And man, this song is for all of us...

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don't know why I'm still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.
But you'll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

I love you all

PS I am fasting for at least further 15 hours, let's hope that the scale will show it!

Wolverine is going to kill me

Let's start from the good things: I trained hard both yesterday and this morning.

That's all.

The bad things now.

Steve's flying to see me tonight, and we both took the next two days off from work, to have some quality time, arrange the painters that need to re-paint my flat, a job interview (him, not me unluckily), get out of the city for two days and so on.

Wolverine, my boss, just canceled my days off, so I'll have to stay and work. Needless to say, Steve's furious.

The only good thing is, I'm working 14 hours a day and skipping meal after meal. I just had a cup of strawberry for lunch today (air for breakfast).

Let's hope this will start to show at some point, so far I'm still a fat whale at 134,9lbs (61,2kg).

Fuck my life....

I'll face myself

I was too ashamed to post.

I still am ashamed, but I need to face my shit.

Last week weight: 136.2lbs. 61.3kg. Fuckin' disgusting

Spring is finally breaking, and soon it's going to be bikini time.

So let mercy come,

and wash away

what I've done!

I'll face myself

to cross out

what I've become

erase myself

and let go

of what I've done!!

Oh, I'll post more often. And I'll drop the damn weight. But right now, something worries me even more: what happened to Marcus ? I can't find his blog anymore, it's like he's fell off the face of the earth! And of course I'm worried, probably he's just happy and dropped blogging, or blogger messed up, but I can't stop worrying so if you have news, please let me know!

Valentine fast

Ladies & Gentlemen!

The first 2011 fast has officially begun, together with the greatest and unique Marcus from "Do you like lemons?" (be sure to check out his blog if you don't already know it!)

Somehow, I can't help preferring "wanna-be skinny" boys. Girls, forgive me, but the thing is this: I'm not a competitive person, and fasting with a girl has always something of a competition (which works for many, but not so good for me). Fasting with a boy just feels like mutual support, you know?

Anyway, I spent a lovely weekend with my boyfriend, preparing St. Valentine dinners and lunches, so I weighted this very morning:

131.4lbs (59.6kg)

BMI 20.9

Let's see how far I can take it with Marcus' help!

And of course, anyone wanting to join us fasting is welcome!!!

St. Valentine and fasting

I went back to the gym, basically because I need it more than anything.

Winter will soon be over, and in less than a month my allergies will start: unless I'm very well trained by the end of march my asthma will kick in, and I won't be able to do anything unless I stuff my body with cortisone, which would result in gaining 5 kg at least.

So training is the top priority right now.

I'm not doing good with food either, and with Valentine's weekend ahead... well, at least on Monday I'll start fasting together with the lovely Marcus, and I can't wait for it!!

I love you all sweeties

I hope you will have a lovely weekend

xoxo

Soon I'll stand up again

I was doing good, and then I messed up again, and I’m, once more, ashamed to confess my scale this morning screamed 131.6lbs back at me (59.7kg).

In addition, On Friday I’m flying to London and I’ll carry a tons of foods to celebrate St. Valentine with my love. I’m talking pure carbs: I’ve got polenta, porcini mushrooms, 2 different kinds of cheese, heart shaped cookies, plus (just for him) salami and chocolate (I bought plenty of cheese and chocolate in Switzerland over the weekend).

I’m hitting the gym 4 times a week (plus I’ve been freeriding yesterday), but I know it’s not enough.

I know it’s no excuse, but work is so hard, I can’t seem to fast like I used to. I’m hoping to do it next week, maybe with Marcus (buddy, please tell me you’re in: together, we can do it!)

I’m sorry I’m not posting as often as I used to: I can’t seem to give my life that spark I had last spring/summer. Most likely, it’s the same spark that helped me losing weight at the time.

But I DO know I have to get skinny soon: the mountaineering ski season is starting in a month (and I’m too heavy to carry myself up to the top of the Alps highest peaks), swimming suit season will start in May, and I seriously need a skinnier body for that.

Then, I’ll hang out at the lake, ride my Vespa, swim and sale, and my life will once again shine.

Or maybe, with Steve so far away, the shining is gone, but I’ll be strong and stand up for my mind’s sake.

Skinny past

I’m never tired of writing it: once upon a time, I was skinny. For real.

What never occurred me is, back when I was skinny, I was a real puta! Really guys, it never occurred me before. Now that I’m fat, I realize this depended on two factors:

- men used to hit on me all the time

- I was more confident in my skinny body than I am now in my fatty one.

(Thinking about it now, those days I should have worn a T-shirt à la David Guetta with a good slogan such as “FUCK ME, I’m Skinny!”).

I mean, let’s face it. I always thought Steve was a bit of a man-whore, and I recently found out I’ve had sex with more people he did (when I say I found out, it means, I found out and he didn’t, thanx god!).

I always thought that I was an average girl (I’m 28 and I’ve slept with circa 30 guys) dating prude guys (lol), but finding out that even Steve is less experienced than I am… Well, all I can say is, not displaying the full whore-mode when we first started dating was, in retrospect, a genius moves on my side!

Just to be clear, I haven’t slept with anyone but Steve and the ex over the last 5 years (and Alejandro, but I’d never admit this to anyone I know, plus he was an ex from the past so that shouldn't really count).

(all in all the saddest thing is, in my dreams I’m still the skinny bitch I was 10 years ago. Always. I never dream of fat Lucy, not even in nightmares. And when I look into the mirror, I still expect Lucy’s Shadw to stare back of me. Instead, it’s always fat Lucy)

Anyway, enough of my (past) sluttiness.

The thing is, girls, I’ve been busy and overworked, I may still be, but I’m back on the wagon.

Weighted 132.3lbs (60kg) on Monday morning, but I am back in control, with 129.9lbs (58.9kg) this morning and starting the Sacred Heart diet once again (I already prepared the soup last night + I hit the gym this morning after 15 days of laziness). A bit old-fashioned maybe, but the sacred heart diet always worked for me.

So, fuck fad diet haters, I’m going to rock it. I’ll need all your support girls!!

PS: Why am I not fasting? Well, I don’t feel ready for a real fast, and I lack the right motivation. I lack my all times favorite fast buddy, the great Marcus. But alas, Marcus went to university in autumn and has been MIA since. I hope you’re happy and skinny Marcus, but you are missed.