In memory of Sinead O'Connor

 I haven't been posting for a while, and I thought I'd do this one in memory of Sinéad O'Connor, recently passed. 

Sinéad, you lived a strange life, and certainly your mental health was not the greatest. I grew up with Nothing Compares 2 U, and although I was a nerd about music as a teenager, I couldn't name another song of yours if my life depended on it. And this makes me think of how hard it must be to live a life where any stranger you meet thinks they know you as they identify you with a 3 minutes song (written by Prince btw if I remember correctly). It must be very insane - it must be difficult even for a writer who wrote one successful book, but no writer has ever had the reach of that song in the Western world I think.

You probably hated that song, didn't you?

As I age, I'm more and more content that I have not had One moment in time that defined my success. It is so much better to have enjoyed many lesser moments, to have built a number of memories on your own and with your loved ones. Also if you had on trait that was so strong and defined you and then you lose it as you age, it must be super hard. Think about how Whitney Huston had lost her voice in her last years? or super beautiful model who inevitably get older?

That's why I love work. Because work is, after all, one of the thing I've been successful in. It will eventually decline, but by that time I'll be fed up and ready to retire and move on.

Anyhow - all is good here, or at least decent. Husband went out and got shitfaced one night when I was in the UK for work, got all bruised in the face and got a dislodged jaw and hurt a knee, but let's face it, nothing really new there. 

The cat is always adorable and we love it to pieces.

We fared reasonably well through Tuesday storm, meaning that half of my green no longer exists, we'll probably have to replace the furniture on the balcony and I spent a day cleaning up, but considering the incredible ice storm we had, we were very lucky.

Enjoy the last stretch of summer dear readers.

Amorgos

 "Can we go to Amorgos for a week?"

I am ashamed to say that I've probably asked this question at least once a week over the past two years and a half.

"When would you want to go?" - wait - this is an opening. I think about an answer that would make sense, something that is actually doable.

"Last week of August - the crowds will have left by then, and days are not too short yet"

"Fine, let's do it"

Before her can change his mind I grab my ipad and within 5 minutes I have booked the flight to Mykonos, the fast boat that luck has placed at the perfect time from Mykonos to Amorgos, and the small place they were still building last time we've been there, a small house right on a small cliff by the sea that has private stone steps leading down to the water and a patio right above.

The place I dream to own, the island where I dream to get old and spend the rest of my life.

Amorgos, the dream of The big blue (but I'm sorry lovelies, English is not enough to render Le Grand Bleu, and even if you had seen the French cult movie, you would have seen the silly American version which was changed from the original as the French one lacked a happy ending, and was stripped of half of the poetry in the process).

Amorgos, where the blue is so deep that the sky seems dark. The island that Homer already deemed dry, I've never been so late in the summer: will there be any green left, any water trickling in the valleys? The golden steps of Panagia Hozoviotissa will be there for sure, unchanged.

Will I be able to come back?

Wake up call

 This was an accident,

not the kind where sirens sound

never even noticed

we're suddenly crumbling

(show me love, t.A.T.u.)

While we were planning a summer roadtrip that involves visiting some top French wine caves in the Burgundy region, chateaux, middle age towns, kayaking down the Ardèche canyon and relaxing by Lake Annecy, driving around lazily, and then...

Husband suddenly proposed to do a week of diet retreat. He actually sent me the link of a sick place where instead of giving you food they give you an IV with fluids and nutrients. (for the modest price of fucking 5k Euros per person, per week).

Besides the obvious fact that I'd rather shut myself in at home without food for a week rather than flushing money down the toilet like this, the simple think he is considering this kind of plan triggers some huge warnings.

I need to lose weight ASAP. Let' face it - my parents can barely look me in the eyes and are basically ashamed of being around with me. Husband enquires about sick places that are meant for old rich fat people that wannabe anorexic. Do I need any more suggestions?

When T.A.T.U. were famous, no one ever focused much on Lena Katina, even though she was the real voice of the duo. She was probably a normal weight, but she was the fat one of the duo and eye were all over skinny Julia Volkova, the hot skinny bitch.

strange times

 As summer advances, and we've now had more than 34° pretty much every day for the last two months, reaching easily 36° most days (93 - 97 F), we live more and more in a strange situation.

America shows its biceps, but the reality is that all the guns that have been sent to Ukraine will slowly but steadily trickle into the hands of bad people (not bcs they are Ukraniana, but because any country has bad people, and bad people know how to take advantage of available weapons), and will slowly but steadily trickle to Western Europe.

Nobody would ever go to war against Russia - after all, didn't we all read War & Peace, and Vasilij Grossman's Stalingrad? (if you haven't, do read Vasilij Grossman - it's an awesome book and it really explains Russia). Granted, I despise this war, but only an idiot would believe that Europe would benefit from a war against Russia. 

Russia is one of the countries where women were treated equally decades before Europe started doing so. It was probably one of the best part of communism. Meanwhile, the US are banning abortion.

Last month I attended a conference in Barcelona where a famous economist explained why he was against the European Union, the Euro currency and so on. As it was a Western Europe work event for partners, the audience was your typical white manel. The economist said a lot of interesting and smart things and then over the Q&A everybody rushed to agree with him. Then I raised my hand and asked "I understand the importance of economies and KPIs, but I think there is more to it. What about the possibility of easily having all these people from different countries in this same room? What about how easy it is for young people to travel across Europe this days, to study or work abroad getting to know a different culture? What about the fact that we're enjoyed peace since 1945, sadly not across all Europe, but at least in the European Union, including when the Wall in Berlin went down?"

They said I was talking poetry, but I still believe the European Union represents one of the greatest achievements of the Western culture. It is far from perfect, but it's beautiful in its imperfection. I am somehow more concerned by the warmer summers and the lack of water then by Russia and America.

Summer day

The day ahead is a difficult one and I wake up grumpy. The monster's running wild inside of me, insecure and tired.

I have lunch with all the other equity partners in my group. Most of them had known the 22 years old me. I want them to know that I am the same person - I may be 45 pounds heavier, but I'm still me.

The simple fact I want them to understand this tells me how insecure I am.

I end up opting for a long white strapless dress that is completely okay for drinks on the beach and that is quite out of place in an office. Ironically, this cheers me up just a tiny bit because I will manage to achieve what I want: it doesn't matter that we have aged, I'm still the same person. And if you continue to judge me because I'm not wearing a bra, fine.

I walk towards the office in my flowing dress and sandals, and while I cross the park the sun is right in my face. I squint and look at two bunnies I must have scared, as they sprint away in the grass. I squint some more and the tall man jogging in my direction is my husband. The light is so blinding I squint some more as he approaches.

He stops to quickly drop a kiss on my lips, he's sweated and barely touches me, but I'm in plain sun and his smile when he looks at me tells me everything I need to know.

I resume my walk towards the office, conscious that I'll try to keep cherishing this moment through the day and to hold on to it through the difficult hours ahead.

Summer is coming with news and memories

I remember when life was slow.

In my country, kids enjoy a solid three months summer break from school (albeit they have very few days off during the rest of the year). When I was a kid, living in the countryside, we enjoyed a lot of freedom.

Most of the kids I knew had chores to do in the morning, and then, from noon to supper (which would be typically at 7.30 or 8 PM were completely free. Most of us had bikes, and living by a lake offered infinite opportunities, from swimming, to diving, to explore small canyons, anything really.

But looking back, what really pops into my mind was a lazy rainy afternoon spent watching the Olympic games (something that involved horse I remember) with my mother, who apparently was also able to waste time as well (she was a teacher, so she too had a long summer break).

I am kinda jealous about this – I’ve just booked an appointment with the hairdresser… at 7AM tomorrow morning, which sounds downright wrong, but I’m so glad he’s agreed to see me that early.

But let’s face it, tomorrow the official communication is coming, I’m getting promoted to non equity partner, and celebration is in order. My friend Daniela is becoming equity partner, Matt as well, we’ve booked the winery in the city center, and life is good right? I just hope to fit into that blue dress from last summer’s weddings.

Vacation, hiking, binges and so on

Cape Verte it was.
Sal Island. Honestly? a shitty place, but hey, I did spend lazy lazy hours just suntanning and reading. i needed it. We needed it.
Before that, we went hiking through Simplonpass (in the middle of the Alps, not far from where my family lives).

Hiking was so good that, before leaving for Cape Verte, I bought myself these

(of course the pic is from the net it is not me)

As soon as we got there I realized three things:
i) Sal Island is a shithole
ii) the food was disgusting (wait before thinking that was good news)
iii) virtually everyone staying in the hotel had severe diarrhea

WARNING: things start getting guresome from now on

Now, as much as I sometimes indulge purging (although in these occasions I vomit), due to years and years of big stomach issues when I was a teenager and later, I am fucking scared of eating something that will make me sick.
So.....
I spent one week eating (with no restrictions whatsoever) only two things: fries and boiled white rice.

And now I'm back, 6 pounds heavier. fuckfuckfuck.
Let's forget about those short shorts, okay?
It's time to restrict and get back to some serious training

Shattering

My Facebook Status currently recites:

Kiss me hard before you go,
Ste#@*° #+%§§i
I just wanted you to know
That Baby, you're the best

The name is that of my husband, who left over 10  days ago for Colorado (I'm in Europe).

All dolled up (in a professional way) for the Board of Directors that's happening, I know that, while I was one of the white knights of the Company until last week, I'm now in the shit house. The deal that everyone believed secure, blew up. On the same day they announced 700 employees will be made redundant.

No wonder I've got that summertime sadness.
It doesn't matter, I'll be back on my feet.



Got my bad baby by my heavenly side: I know if I fast, I'll die happy tonight
Plan is liquid fast from now (Wednesday afternoon) until Friday night or Saturday morning if it can be managed (considering I have a 120km drive ahead on Friday night and I do not wish to really die - I just wish I could disappear).
I haven't fasted this way in a very long time, but right now, I need to see change happening.
And to see it happening that fast, there's only one way.

Stay strong lovelies

I almost had it all

What a fab weekend I just had!

It was the best summer weather ever. I was at the lake, and we had warm days, with a nice wind from the north, deep blue sky, shining water.

Yesterday morning I had promised to help out at my neighbor's sailing club in order to prepare food for the regatta; however, after 2 hours of chopping onions (lol), a friend of mine asked me if I could join him for the regatta since he was lacking a bowman and of course I said yes!

So I quickly changes from my apron into shorts, t-shirt and swimsuit and hopped on his boat, which is this kind of boat:

We had a lot of wind, sailed having so much fun and ended winning the regatta! Since I had plans with Mom right after it, I skipped both lunch and the after-regatta pasta party!

Then I went with Mom and Granny to watch the fireworks, and then...

....I realized summer is over for me. I mean, I'll be in London next week (and up there it's chilly already), and then it will be Fall.

The nice thing is my last summer weekend ROCKED.

The less nice thing is how all the people at the regatta made comments on how I gained weight since last year. And it's true.

So I came back to the city this morning carrying supplies for the week: zucchini, salad, and two eggs, all from Mom's garden. That's the healthy plan for the week.

I hope you all had great weekends, and for those who live in the Southern Emisphere: spring's coming soon! stay strong!

I tasted the answer and my body was weak

Let’s start again.

Summer is over, I’m back to work, another year is starting. I got my promotion (yay).

Summer is still here, with 36° (97F) outside, no AC at my place, and worst of all, me at 138lbs (62.6kg), BMI 21.9 (disgusting).

Now it’s time for a fresh start. I don’t have any promotion in sight this year, and I won’t let work ruin my body anymore. I need to train pronto, since on October 4 I’m leaving for Nepal, where I’ll spend 2 weeks trekking around the Annapurna with dad.

Vacation was dedicated to family and mountaineering (1^st week, including climbing Monte Rosa as I mentioned, up to 4.554mt or 14.941ft), and then to quality time with S, love of my life (2^nd week, which included some hiking, a lot of sunbathing and even more love making).

All in all, I loved my vacation. I am fat, but I will get better very soon. I know I can do it, as I did it in the past. I have faith in me, and I have faith in you all, lovelies. I am still catching up with your blogs, so if I haven’t commented on your blog yet, I will do it soon.

I love you all and I really hope you’re having a good time. I’m sending you strength and encouragement.

Full advantage

One week later, and I cannot believe how I could have doubts.

Steve is… I don’t even know how to explain. How different things are, and how unchanged at the same time.

The this is, Steve knows me well. He may seem to act like he doesn’t care certain things, but now I know he notices. He messages me through the day to make sure I’m doing okay (to let me know he’s thinking of me, basically. Which is exactly what I need). He helps me if I have difficulties at work. When we’re together (and not at work) he hugs me all the time, he never lets me go. And, while I’ve never been much of a PDA person, with him, I really feel like I belong into his arms.

I’m not doing great: I’m experiencing one of the worst phases of insomnia ever. Last Saturday I went sailing with Bro and others, and the wind was just too much and some of the ropes broke and we had some problems with the boat, so I hit my chest badly and it still hurts, so of course that doesn’t help sleeping.

Steve wakes up in the morning by my side and he’ll just know if I’ve slept at all. I was awfully tired last night, we got back to his place around 11 and went straight to bed. Two hours later he woke up and noticed I wasn’t sleeping, and started caressing/lightly massaging my back until I fell asleep, and I slept for 6 SOLID HOURS!!

Of course, between the insomnia, all the going out every night and the pain, I haven’t been really able to restrict and go the gym, so I’m still stuck at 119.7lbs. I’ll fast next week though, with Marcus, also because I’m back on the pill and this tends to make me gain weight (ouch).

I want this season to last forever. Work’s slow, and I’m kind of going out every night, taking full advantage of the amazing night life this city offers. I want to wear sundresses forever, I want to sail, drink, party… I wanna lay naked in Steve’s arms at night… (and no, we did not really have sex yet… but I promise you we will before we leave for vacation LOL).

Also, Steve’s almost 85lbs heavier than I am. He’s also something like 6 feet 5 inches tall (195cm), which means in my eyes he’s huge (I mean, considering we live in Italy, that’s really tall). I love it, also because… It kind of makes me feel tiny…

But I shall not forget my goals. I promise I will be 115 lbs by the end of August, and I really hope to do even better (110 would be just perfect!)

I love you a lot, I swear, I live for your comments!!