Summer day

The day ahead is a difficult one and I wake up grumpy. The monster's running wild inside of me, insecure and tired.

I have lunch with all the other equity partners in my group. Most of them had known the 22 years old me. I want them to know that I am the same person - I may be 45 pounds heavier, but I'm still me.

The simple fact I want them to understand this tells me how insecure I am.

I end up opting for a long white strapless dress that is completely okay for drinks on the beach and that is quite out of place in an office. Ironically, this cheers me up just a tiny bit because I will manage to achieve what I want: it doesn't matter that we have aged, I'm still the same person. And if you continue to judge me because I'm not wearing a bra, fine.

I walk towards the office in my flowing dress and sandals, and while I cross the park the sun is right in my face. I squint and look at two bunnies I must have scared, as they sprint away in the grass. I squint some more and the tall man jogging in my direction is my husband. The light is so blinding I squint some more as he approaches.

He stops to quickly drop a kiss on my lips, he's sweated and barely touches me, but I'm in plain sun and his smile when he looks at me tells me everything I need to know.

I resume my walk towards the office, conscious that I'll try to keep cherishing this moment through the day and to hold on to it through the difficult hours ahead.

Leave the light on for me

As soon as our friend leaves the table in the winery to go to the restroom, he asks me:
"Do you remember when we went heli-skiing and we had to jump out of the helicopter as it would not land in the place we had chosen for skiing?"
How the fuck do you think I could possibly forget something like that asshole? Of all the stupid things I've done in my life to impress stupid males, this is the one that impressed myself most of all - I think. What I answer is: "Yes, and I still don't get why didn't you make love to me, before or after that"

That kinda leaves him a bit baffled. Serves him right - I do remember the crazy fall from the helicopter, which I thought must have been at least three meters from the ground (later he said 5, but that was probably to impress his friends) and landing in all the snow powder with the blades hitting the air so loudly over my head.

But it only takes him a few second to regain his coolness and smiling like a cat saying "Why, I never thought you would have said yes"
"Shut up stupid - you know perfectly well I asked you to come home with me years before that, when we were in France and I was still hot"
"Damn you were - you still are, but in the Rome office we all still remember how you managed to look hot and innocent at the same time. And after all this years, you still keep wearing these white trousers - we've all had wet dreams about those at some point"

Fuck-you - you still don't want to say it - after all these years?  That you were in love with a chubby and that you like playing and flirting but that's it. Because that is the truth - you did marry her and had kids after all.

But the nice part is, while he still is hot, I'm finding that I truly no longer care, and that I'm having fun but I wouldn't even consider anything with him - I'm actually checking what time it is, because I don't want to come home too late in case Husband gets worried.

Our friend is back, and while later she will tell me that Vi and I "make sparks" and then he was "so smitten with me", I soon leave in the pouring rain (let's all have a silent minute in honor of my formerly white pants please), and run home, where Husband is asleep but has left the light on for me.
And I can't help how much I love Hubby 

How do I do it?

How do I do it?
Woke at 5.50 AM, washed up, squeezed my belly into white trousers an an oversize marine blue silk blouse, high heeled booties and ponytail.
I left home at 6.30, heading to the train station. At 7AM I was on the bullet train, laptop on, working. Started conference calls in French at 8.30, reached my destination in the North East at 10 and got into a meeting until 4.30PM. Back to the train station, hopped on the train again, got a conference call with the US (in English), one with another client (in French), one with my boss (in Italian) and another one with a French guy working in a PE in London (in French). In between I tried to brainstorm with the team. At 7.30 the calls were over and I started working.
Arrived at 8.30 in Milan, took a cab, called Mum, got home and started working again.
It's 10 PM, we have no smoke at home, I'm debating whether to wake up at 5 or 6 to get to work tomorrow (luckily from the office). I already know that my last call for tomorrow is scheduled at 7PM (thank-you, US guys for not understanding it's Friday night).
I've been eating sandwiches on the go and milk and cookies all week.
No wonder I'm such a mess.

Winter is here

Every new beginning feels harder, but this year feels like I have so much to prove and so many achievements to make gathering on my shoulders.

Work keeps getting more and more demanding. There is some talk going on about making me junior (non equity) partner in June, which would be a first step towards being equity partner in 12 more months; but... I don't know how realistic this can be. I should be working on my business case, instead I'm doing real work for something like 60 hours a week (sometimes 70). I can't work more than I've been doing in November and December; I've already been on the edge of a melt-down, and I've been stressing so much I spent a few nights puking already. So I guess we'll see, but I really shouldn't fantasize too much on this.

I really need to train more and eat better. While training wise I've been good over holidays, and I've already booked a few sessions with a PT to kick-start the year, the problem of course is keep training when work kicks in so hard. I aimed at running 1000km in 2017, and I barely ran 750km, and the figures of Nov and Dec are embarrassing low.

I'm at my highest weight of the last 8 years. during these days when I throw in 12 hours, plus one to go and get back from work, lunch break end in me finding consolation in food. When I come home, hubby is sometimes asleep. We spend one hour together in the morning waking up, having breakfast and talking, and then everything cycles back to madness.

Will I ever feel sexy again?

I need to train, restrict and focus. Winter will end, longer and warmer days will come. I can make it. you too, lovelies.

MRI outcome

The not so bad news is I did not gain weight over the weekend. I trained, ate about one thousand deep fried pumpkin flowers, one shit ton of salad, and somehow, maintained.

The bad news is, I got my MRI scheduled on Monday, and the outcome is, while the bones are fine (which is good I admit), the tendons of both my hips are not fine.
And this means, I'm supposed to stop training.

Now, this is not going to happen.
I'm getting married in 35 days and I'm supposed to fit into that fucking tight dress I bought.

The upside is they gave me different painkillers which are also supposed to smooth the problem, and those DO work, so finally I'm walking almost like a normal girl.
Also, I'm seeing a physiotherapist on weekends.

I did drop the 30 days shred at day 24 (many of the moves hurt too much), and I cannot run.
I have picked up the 6pack6weeks by Jillian Michaels, and I'll try to do the elliptical machine at the gym.
Honestly, this whole thing pisses me off so much I can't even tell you.

Stop training for one month means throwing away months of fatigue and sweat. I hate it! 

humiliation? check

So I went for the first trial of the wedding dress....

.... and it took three ladies to zip it.

FML

on a different note, I've been doing the 30 days shred for 10 consecutive days (plus some running), and tomorrow I'll shift to level 2

sharing the first tiny bits

Okay ladies,

this is (almost) it:

Imagine it in white, without the applications on the waist, ans well, it falls better than this (the model has her hands in the pockets, which I guess is something you don't normally do when walking down the aisle), and it gets right to my knees...
... and then yes, that's my wedding dress.

now, if I only can manage to drop like 100 pounds before the date, everything will be perfect
xoxoxo

Not good enough

Went trying wedding gown again this morning (work is FINALLY slow, hallelujah!)

Now, don't hate me for speaking the truth.

Trying wedding gowns can be, for people like us, a very taxing experience. Most of the gowns wouldn't fit, the seller couldn't even pull up the zipper, not even with me blowing out all the air in my chest.
Of course the seller is a nice woman, who'll lie straight to your face, telling you that you're beautiful, and she'll pin extra-tissue everywhere, and try to make you feel beautiful.

The fact that I had to pee badly probably didn't help. Nor the fact that my friend who came along (we're getting married the same week, so we go to try gowns together) is far skinnier than I'll ever be. Well, at least we try very different models.

Finally, how can I possibly spare 3000 Euros on a gown I'll wear once in my life? I can't claim I'm poor, I do  have that kind of money after all these years of work, I do have savings. But let's face the truth, I could feed, dress and send to school 20 kids in Nepal for one year with that kind of money. I can't spend it on a wedding gown.

(but I want it badly.
shut up you stupid asshole.
but I really love it.
yeah and you look like a giant pink and white marshmallow with it. If you were skinny, maybe you could splurge on it, but face it, you look like a fucking whale, so forget about it. Buy a premade dress for 100 USD on the net and shut the fuck up)

I must confess I'm not training enough. I keep having a slight temperature that won't go away, and that makes running very difficult.

Guilty pleasure (not food)

I know Peri will forgive me for this.
Rod Stewart was always my guilty pleasure... His new Christmas album? guilty, guilty guilty pleasure
(on my defense, I only listen to it in private)

Ask me to wear white for you, and I'll be yours forever

This body? I'd kill to have it!

Instead of asking me, he's leaving in 5 days. And I'm hopelessly in love.

A few nights ago he said "When in ten months we'll still be in love as we are now, we shall get married".

My hair looks just like that. How come my body DOESN'T?