just like that

I ended up fasting for 36 hours, and did not even binge afterwards.
I had not fasted in YEARS.

It was alarming, it gave me an incredible satisfaction.
I'll try again next week

Random thoughts

Failure is the reason beyond my silence.
Somehow, I managed to reach 139 pounds (63kg), for a BMI of 22.1.
Quoting the amazing To kill a mockingbird, "Atticus told me to delete the adjectives, and I'd have the facts", so this is the blunt truth.
I don't even know how exactly it happened; probably a combination of weekend binges and too many nights where instead of salad I chose the comfort of cookies and milk. The level of stress has been so high since the end of August that this tends to happen pretty often.
On top, I seem to spend my life in airports, as I'm flying to London and back at least once and often twice a week, to spend the day in neverending meetings where I indulge walker cookies (ginger stems are my passion)
However, making excuses will not change facts, and so I followed the suggestions from a skinny boy that works with me and started this Clean 9 program. The idea is that you start with 2 days of fasting (I'm only drinking a cup of skimmed milk per day), and then you have 6 more days restricting.
I dropped three pounds on day one, which is not bad. I hope to drop at least one more by tomorrow morning.
The program also involves drinking some aloe vera gel (overall circa 80kcals a day), which is so utterly disgusting that it probably helps in killing any appetite for real food.

I managed to fast for three days, follow the program for 2 more, and then started puking. I quickly abandoned the aloe shit, and I'm still stuck at 61.5kg (135.6lbs).

I really need to eat less and, even more important, train more.
If by next year in December I have not managed to enter the Partner selection program at work, I'm giving up this job. Honestly, it's really overwhelming. I did not work last weekend, and it was the first time since August (by "I did not work" I mean I left the office at 10PM on Friday night, had a call on Sunday afternoon, and was back at 8AM on Monday morning, but I did not turn on my computer).

Fucking proud

slowly getting back to eating, and successfully avoiding uncontrolled bingeing after fasting.
Had some regular food last night, with no damages (the scale even awarded me with a small loss this morning).
Fucking proud of myself. I need to do this more often.

Day Four

My hands are shaking. I did train last night, but this morning I gave up running, as I felt the danger of passing out and/or embarrassing myself by vomiting (and thus exposing my fasting to my husband) was concrete.

On the sad side, I've only dropped 2kg (just a little over 4 punds), and I was hoping for more. Granted, I did have a bowl of steamed spinach last night, and I'm planning to have another one for lunch today - let's face it, passing out at work isn't an option, but still. Let's hope to see a better number on the scale tomorrow morning.

Back to old habits

Do you remember when you used to fast?

I didn't think I was any longer capable of fasting. The last time must have been in 2011 or maybe even before. Yet, somehow, I've been fasting for 62 hours, and I hope I can go on. The plan is keeping on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

Oh, I had forgotten entirely how deeply satisfying fasting can be!! In case you are wondering, I've had so far two detox drinks (spinach, fennel, celery and chia seeds), and a bowl of green salad (no oil, no sauce, just pure lettuce), which I do consider as fasting. In addition, I worked out twice (gym + running, and one Kayla ITsines BBG workout), and I plan to workout tonight as well (another Kayla Itsines session).

Let's face it, the only reasons I can actually make it are i) my husband is away/working all the time and has work dinners pretty much all week long, and ii) I'm doing nothing at work.

Work, by the way, is so bad right now I don't even want to talk about it.

Well let's see how long I can make it last. I kinda feel younger.

Shattering

My Facebook Status currently recites:

Kiss me hard before you go,
Ste#@*° #+%§§i
I just wanted you to know
That Baby, you're the best

The name is that of my husband, who left over 10  days ago for Colorado (I'm in Europe).

All dolled up (in a professional way) for the Board of Directors that's happening, I know that, while I was one of the white knights of the Company until last week, I'm now in the shit house. The deal that everyone believed secure, blew up. On the same day they announced 700 employees will be made redundant.

No wonder I've got that summertime sadness.
It doesn't matter, I'll be back on my feet.



Got my bad baby by my heavenly side: I know if I fast, I'll die happy tonight
Plan is liquid fast from now (Wednesday afternoon) until Friday night or Saturday morning if it can be managed (considering I have a 120km drive ahead on Friday night and I do not wish to really die - I just wish I could disappear).
I haven't fasted this way in a very long time, but right now, I need to see change happening.
And to see it happening that fast, there's only one way.

Stay strong lovelies

overwhelmed

I just..

I don't know

I can't keep up with this anymore



Been working over the last three weekends in addition to full week.

70 hours this week and it's only Saturday (Italian week goes from Monday to Sunday)



I never have time to eat - I end up fasting without even wanting it. This is very triggering. I'm not even hungry anymore. I just have a constant headache. Been having it for 10days now.



I drink fresh grapefruit juice at aperitivo and avoid eating.



I blurted out to a close friend (who is skinny and not pro-ana, Lord bless her): "I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to stop eating entirely."



Over the past week I usually had milk and cereals at breakfast, and sometimes a boiled egg for dinner. I also once ate 15gr of parmesan cheese, and one 0%fat, no sweeteners greek yoghurt.



(Sie kommen zu euch in der Nacht, Demonen (...) Schwartze Feen)



at least BMI is finally below 20.

I hate my German client. I hate him on so many levels I have a hard time restraining myself from insulting him in German all the time.

(insulting in German is so liberating)

I am despicable.

Mein Herz bMein Hertx brennt rennt!!!!







Now dear kids

listen carefully

I'm the voice from under the pillow

I brought something along

(...)

with this very heart I did it (...)

I'll sing 'till day breaks

A burning star from the sparkling firmament





I am so in love with Stefano, and yet I can't help my fear that thing may not work.He was away last week, now he's back. If he figures out I'm not eating, things may get out of control.



I don't wanna go back to eating

I just don't

The truth about it

Here's the truth.

I know that training is better than fasting.

BUT, fasting deliver weight loss so much faster than training.

And in the end, fasting + training delivers even better results.

dropped 3.7 pounds in 2 days (1.7kg)

if they keep abusing me at work like they did over the past 2 days, I may drop 17kg before vacation (which is like 38 lbs)

Somehow I expect the abusing will go on at the same rate, but the weight loss is bound to slow down. meh.

(22 days into the 30 days shred challenge and still going, level 3 is a bitch. My hip now hurts so badly I can't run, I can barely walk although living on painkillers. Booking an MRI)

stay strong lovelies

There must be an angel looking over me

Just when I've decided that since I'm working all alone, in a lonely room, I'll skip lunch altogether, Jules calls me.

"Lucy! come have lunch with us"

Jules is my co-worker at the moment, and he's adorable. I can't say "No thanx", because he'll know I've skipped, and he'll wonder why do I prefer to sit alone than have lunch with friends.

So I go, and I order a pizza.

800 kcals of fat, ready to stick to my hips for the next 80 years or so.

And then, a miracle happens, and my pizza doesn't come. The boys get theirs, apparently there's been some mix-up with orders, and mine doesn't come. After half diet coke and 40 minutes, I have to go back to the office because I have to attend a meeting. I promise I'll grab something on the way back (of course I won't), and I leave, fasting and safe.

Thank-you, my angel

PS. am still over 130lbs, although slightly. BMI: 20.9

I feel I can reasonably drop 5lbs by Xmas, but facing Xmas break will be complicated.

POWERFUL

Due to work issues, I have been water fasting over the last 30 hours... and I finally feel like I can do it, I can go back to the place I was, and Ana will come back to me, step by step. I feel powerful.

And man, this song is for all of us...

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don't know why I'm still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.
But you'll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

I love you all

PS I am fasting for at least further 15 hours, let's hope that the scale will show it!

Valentine fast

Ladies & Gentlemen!

The first 2011 fast has officially begun, together with the greatest and unique Marcus from "Do you like lemons?" (be sure to check out his blog if you don't already know it!)

Somehow, I can't help preferring "wanna-be skinny" boys. Girls, forgive me, but the thing is this: I'm not a competitive person, and fasting with a girl has always something of a competition (which works for many, but not so good for me). Fasting with a boy just feels like mutual support, you know?

Anyway, I spent a lovely weekend with my boyfriend, preparing St. Valentine dinners and lunches, so I weighted this very morning:

131.4lbs (59.6kg)

BMI 20.9

Let's see how far I can take it with Marcus' help!

And of course, anyone wanting to join us fasting is welcome!!!

St. Valentine and fasting

I went back to the gym, basically because I need it more than anything.

Winter will soon be over, and in less than a month my allergies will start: unless I'm very well trained by the end of march my asthma will kick in, and I won't be able to do anything unless I stuff my body with cortisone, which would result in gaining 5 kg at least.

So training is the top priority right now.

I'm not doing good with food either, and with Valentine's weekend ahead... well, at least on Monday I'll start fasting together with the lovely Marcus, and I can't wait for it!!

I love you all sweeties

I hope you will have a lovely weekend

xoxo

Soon I'll stand up again

I was doing good, and then I messed up again, and I’m, once more, ashamed to confess my scale this morning screamed 131.6lbs back at me (59.7kg).

In addition, On Friday I’m flying to London and I’ll carry a tons of foods to celebrate St. Valentine with my love. I’m talking pure carbs: I’ve got polenta, porcini mushrooms, 2 different kinds of cheese, heart shaped cookies, plus (just for him) salami and chocolate (I bought plenty of cheese and chocolate in Switzerland over the weekend).

I’m hitting the gym 4 times a week (plus I’ve been freeriding yesterday), but I know it’s not enough.

I know it’s no excuse, but work is so hard, I can’t seem to fast like I used to. I’m hoping to do it next week, maybe with Marcus (buddy, please tell me you’re in: together, we can do it!)

I’m sorry I’m not posting as often as I used to: I can’t seem to give my life that spark I had last spring/summer. Most likely, it’s the same spark that helped me losing weight at the time.

But I DO know I have to get skinny soon: the mountaineering ski season is starting in a month (and I’m too heavy to carry myself up to the top of the Alps highest peaks), swimming suit season will start in May, and I seriously need a skinnier body for that.

Then, I’ll hang out at the lake, ride my Vespa, swim and sale, and my life will once again shine.

Or maybe, with Steve so far away, the shining is gone, but I’ll be strong and stand up for my mind’s sake.

Bank Holiday fast

I’m fat.

I ate like a shark over the weekend.

Now it’s holiday in Italy and I am working. I was away, in a different city but I came home last night. There’s no one I know in my city in these days. Nobody to go out, catch a drink, grab some food together.

As a consequence, I realized the best thing to do is fasting. I started last night liquid fast hopefully until Wednesday at lunch (the Parents may be coming to visit to see the Christmas decorations in the city). If they don’t come, I’ll skip the gym and fast ‘till Friday night.

And then I’ll fly to London, to see my love.

I know I keep bragging about our love, but I still haven’t written the essential.

He asked me to marry him.

I said yes. The only condition is, I’ll only marry him once he moves back.

But I woke up and did weight myself, and I’m 125.7 lbs (57.0kg). Fffffuck, can I possibly get married this fat?

No way. So I’m fasting.

I really want to spend the rest of my life with Steve. I love him, he loves me. We are not perfect, and we both know it but that’s okay. Because Mr Perfect does not exist. He’s Mr. I’m In Love With, and that’s way more than I’ve experienced in a very long time.

I love you all sweeties. I’m sorry I’ve been blogging so randomly, being away is always complicated. I keep reading you. You are the best!

A bit of Christmas thisnpiration

How could anyone not love Alessandra? Impossible, the bitch's just too lovely

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

I need to fast.

I currently am an awfully fat cow (

No, even worse, because honestly, cows are always cute. I am not cute. I hate myself.

The fact that I just found out my man has been at a strippers’ club last week, with friends, certainly doesn’t make me feel better. It kind of makes me think that, if I looked at least decent, he probably wouldn’t feel this kind of urge.

So, I’m fasting. I really feel it’s the only thing that could possibly make me feel better, right now. And I’ll try to hit the gym as hard as possible over this week. But fasting is my priority n.1.

And if you wanna cheat on me…

…just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s all right, because I like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s all right, because I like the way you lie,

I love the way you lie…

That’s my song for this fast. They’re all so skinny in the video….

Tuesday stays for Total abstention from food...

Yesterday I binged like a mad Mia. Steve had to leave for work, and he'll be away for the week. I don't know how I'll deal once he'll move to London.

All I know is after yesterday super binge, I woke up this morning at 123.5lbs (56kg). FUCK ME!!!

So, I hit the gym (pretty hard), and I'm water/coffee (no sugar) fasting today. I'll try to stay on liquid fast until Friday night. I want to be 114.6 lbs (52kg) by the end of September. I NEED to get there.

Oh, and since Marcus asked, my fave junk food is not sold in Italy (luckily). It's Hula Hoops, you know those potato chips rings they sell in the UK? yeah....

I miss Steve.... badly.

Love you all, let me know if anyone's fasting with me!!!

Truly fasting Tuesday!

The fasting is going well.

Group-fasting is always the best. Last night I had Steve and Kat at my place for dinner, and I managed to keep fasting because I thought of you. Am now at 48 solid hours of fasting, and man, I needed it after the weekend binges: this morning I was a scary 120.37lbs!!!

My sister in law took this photo of me last week (119lbs).

Also, something mind-blowing happened. I told Steve about my ED. Well I didn’t use the “ED” word, but I explained him that fasting and restricting are part of my lifestyle, that I end up eating so much at home that I need to compensate. He was incredibly understanding, and said that he has his own bad habits (he smokes like a chimney…), and then one day we’ll give this up together (his smoking and my fast-binge habit).

People, I may be falling in love.

Okay, let’s move on to something less cheesy (although Steve-related). THIS IS TOTALLY TMI, so if you don’t feel comfortable reading about sex and stuff, stop reading NOW!!

Okay, so the sex. Somehow, it’s not happening.

Let’s make a premise: Steve is totally a sex-driven man. The night that should have been our first time, well, I wasn’t on the pill anymore, and let’s just say he’s not a condom guy. Don’t even give me the full STD lesson, I know. But in real life, you need to make choices. So, the first night was dedicated to blow jobs (which he fully appreciates), and as soon as I could, I got back on the pill.

Then, yesterday I spent the whole afternoon messing around in his bed. We were having fun and everything, and all of a sudden he said “You know I really feel good with you?”

I loved to hear it, but I knew something more was coming.

“It’s just… Usually I’m bolder”

“You know, I love being with you. It’s so much better than I ever thought it would be. But What’s the issue?”

“I don’t know. Really, it’s just not happening”

At this point, I felt like the less attractive girl on earth, and my heart sunk. “Well, I guess we have a problem then. Because I really love this thing we have, but if you’re not into having sex with me, it’s a big issue”

“Stop saying stupid things Lucy, of course I am attracted to you and I really want to make love to you. Give me a little time, okay? I just need to get used to this. You need to understand I really am into you, and it’s going so good, I just need some time”

I said okay, but I really wanted to leave and spend the rest of the day crying over myself, over my sense of inadequateness, over my fatness. But he wouldn’t let me leave. Because he knew I wasn’t handling well. So we fooled around some more (i.e. more oral sex), then I had to leave because Kat was coming for dinner. Steve realized I would spend the night torturing myself over this issue, so he came over at my place for dinner and stayed for the night. It worked, because I slept through the whole night. I only woke once, around 2 in the morning, and softly caressed his smooth, flawless shoulder, and fell back asleep.

But still, this issue is not a small one. Let’s be honest here: I’m 28, and I never got into this kind of situation. So, (especially from the boys): any advice? Right now my action plan is avoid building too much anticipation and hope that things will settle. But hell, I do want to get laid before vacation!!! So please, comment and give all the advice you may have.

Motivational Monday

To keep things short and effective:

Let’s fast.

I started this morning, together with Marcus, Poker face (love to see you’re back sweetie), so let’s be strong together.

Lord knows I need some fasting. I messed up with food over the weekend, plus I’m back on the pill (sorry boys, I know this is weird) and it makes me gain weight. It always does.

However, yesterday I trained hard-core. I woke up in the morning and went running in the mountains for 12km, and then I got out on my kayak for 20 solid km on the lake. Then I went swimming, and to end the morning in glory, I got drunk on white wine at my neighbor’s.

The ex came on Friday night, and finally realized things are over. It was pretty awful, but at least it wasn’t long. Now, it’s time to move on.

Steve called sick at work, and asked me to pay him a visit over lunch break: perfect excuse to fast.

The truth? He got so drunk last night he couldn’t drag his sorry ass at work. LOL

Boys, girls, I love you. Let’s make this fast last as long as possible. I’ll keep the comments window opened as much as possible, so write if you need some support!!

It feels like it's all collapsing

The first, most important thing I want to write is how happy I am for Marcus. You are amazing!!!

Also, I want to thank you all lovely people for your comments, your support. Matilda, loved to hear from you! Ancora, I really missed you, it’s good to see you’re posting again!

Sadly, the rest of the post won’t be on the same mood.

After two solid days of fasting, I’m at 122.8lbs. I’m not giving up. Over the last two days, the only calories I’ve had came from 4 nuts and half of a green apple, plus some sugar free gum and two beers (I’ll explain). I’m still fasting and hopefully I’ll manage to go on until Friday night/Saturday morning. My red bracelet is helping me.

Steve came back last night and called me to chat. I proposed hanging out, because I don’t like much to talk on the phone, and he asked me to join him and his flat-mate for dinner. He said he would buy me green salad, I said I would get to his place but I didn’t need dinner.

I brought over a green apple to show him I eat, and had half of it, plus the beers. We hung out with his flat-mate, a nice girl we’ll call Robin, talked about work, his trip to Greece, Robin’s dates and so on. Then she went to sleep, and soon my beer number two started to taste and smell funky. I was feeling dizzy and weak, and keep in mind that both outside and inside it was over 90F (32-33 Celsius).

As soon as Robin went to her room, Steve got closer and hugged me. I probably looked tired because he asked if I was feeling good and I said I wasn’t. And then he asked me what was wrong, and I don’t know why, I blurted out “Because I’ve been fasting for 48 solid hours”. I regretted it instantly, but he didn’t say anything. He got up, hugged me tight and asked if I wanted to stay for the night. I said I’d better go home, and he offered to walk me home, but I declined, saying I’d rather felt like taking my bike.

So he walked me out, hugged me tightly again, and started kissing me.

I mean, it wasn’t even a French kiss, but he really was into it.

“Don’t go” he whispered

“I can’t. I’m sick. And it’s not a good idea anyway. Forgive me. Please” I turned my head and let it rest on his chest.

“You’re sure you will manage to get home safe?”

I nodded.

“Okay. I’d better let you go now. Or I don’t guarantee I’ll control myself much longer”. I could feel he was turned on, and nodded. He broke the hug, then hugged me quickly and whispered “Be safe” and backed off. And I went home. The air on my face helped me feeling better, I got home and texted him to let him know I was fine. I drank 2 liters of water to help me get rid of the beer, and went to sleep.

I’m afraid. Steve knows about my EDNOS. Steve may have feelings for me. What am I afraid of?

No. 1: this could lead into breaking Steve’s heart.

No. 2: this could lead into losing the best friend I have

No. 3: I still want to be in his arms. I feel he's the only link to reality I still have.

And, I feel I’m losing control. Why on earth did I admit I was fasting? What am I, an idiot?

I'm not just afraid.

I'm scared.

Fasting

Most sporty weekend ever

I spent HOURS swimming with Bro’s kids on my back or on my shoulders, hours carryign both of them around the lake with my (one place) kayak.

I spent HOURS making love to Boyfriend

And hours eating and drinking white wine, gulp!

I don't know how much I gained, I'll weight myself tomorrow morning.

Long story short: I’m fasting. I started this morning, and will try to go on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

And while fasting, I’ll keep the lovely Marcus on my mind. Stay strong dear friend.