because I'm going deeper and deeper, harder and harder, getting darker and darker

For some complicated and probably stupid reasons, I'm back in the city (illegaly, I might add, since we're still not allowed to travel) and alone (Husband left for southern Italy for work).

Perfect time for a little fasting by the way, and I went to bed all happy and excited, looking forward to my scale in the morning because the first day of fasting always brings incredible joys.

At 1.30 I woke in such agony that it took me 5 minutes to manage to stand. I felt like a hot piece of rod had been somehow inserted at the base of my spine, and my hips were pulsing in waves of pain. I felt nauseous from the pain, and I didn't even want to puke since I had not eaten in 30 hours and I knew it would not help anyway.

I managed to swallow some ibuprofen and ti lay down on my belly, with the pillow propped under my hips, since this somewhat helps with my back ache, but the trouble is it's not a position that fits well with my swollen nose from the allergies.
Tossing and turning, I made it till morning, when I saw my reflection in the mirror and I honestly thought "I've got it. I've got this fucking Covid and I'm going to die alone, like my father in law".
My face was so swollen and the pain so bad, I had such trouble breathing...
But no temperature, and trust me I almost cried when I checked.

Even the scale numbers dropping by 2.4lbs in 24 hours were meaningless.
In any case I had never been this heavy and fat before, so nothing to rejoice I guess.

The real trouble is, I don't have much to look forward. I've been relatively okay at home for the past few months (resulting in fat fat fat fat accumulating).
But then what?
Work will never be the same again. I've been through one crisis before, and even worse, I already knew before the covid that I was not going to make it to equity partner.

So I don't really look forward to the "back to normal". I am not so keen on everyone at work finding out I've become fat.

Last weekend it was Vivien's birthday, and she's been dead for almost two years - I can hardly believe it
I'll never forget you my friend. I'll never know if it was an accident or if you've simply had enough, but I miss you and I'll still do my best to carry on.

just want to go out

The older you get, the more you value walking. At almost 38, I already considered that the best part of my weekdays was when I managed to walk home from work instead of taking the tube. I live 3.5km from work (a bit over 2 miles) and whenever it wasn't too late and it wasn't pouring rain, I used to walk home, sometimes making calls to clients or my mother, sometimes just listening to audible and watching shops windows.

I seems like I'm talking about a long time ago, but we've been working from home since February 22, and in a total lockdown since March 7. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk in the woods (my parents' place is really next to wild woods by the lake) and in order to do that I had to wait over one hour: as soon as I saw a police car patrolling, I waited for it to be gone and crossed the road to get to the footpath in the woods.

That because if they stop me outside home, I can get arrested.

I so miss walking.

My father in law died on Wednesday morning. He had 4 sons and a daughter, all loving him and living close to him, and he had to die alone because we are not allowed to leave home (let alone visit sick relatives in the hospital). He was buried this morning with no funeral (not allowed) and no family (again, not allowed). On of my brother in laws is a priest, so he's celebrating a private mass via skype for the family tonight.

This gives you an idea of the situation I guess.

How could I fuck up so badly?

I, once again, am not going to make it to equity partner this year. Nor ever.

My boss very kindly (sarcasm dripping) explained that next year it'll be me for sure, but this year they're already making a female equity partner in Spain (we are grouped with Spain and Portugal), so they're keeping me to fill the female quota next year. Also, they're making equity partner a kid whose father is in Government, so that is very important.

Finally, I shall not despair because if the firm at global level forces us to make a female partner it will be me.

I kid you not, this is what he told me.

Incidentally, he told me something on the same lines last year. I am NOT waiting for another year working like this. What's left of my humanity would be destroyed. And between you and I, I don't think I'll grow a penis in one year and thus be allowed to join the fucking boys club.

And I'm so silly, I, at least, expected my husband to understand the kind of grief I'm going through.

Instead, being a man, he simply said it doesn't matter, that I can do something else, become a mom and so on.

He made it, but somehow he can't understand how much more I have had to endure (and how longer - I've been doing this for 15 years).

He doesn't understand how it feels to remember all the pride I've had to swallow. All the times I've been judged - too aggressive, not enough aggressive. Too sexy, not sexy enough. Gained weight - means she can't manage the pressure. The time a partner told a client and of my team in front of me that I was perfect when I was sitting, since my head was at the same height as his dick.

So long, so much, for what? Nothing.

The urge to stop eating and indulge in self harming had not been this strong since I was 23. But then again, I was already doing this job back then.

Nikita

This is the story of someone who almost always (some exceptions, granted) put her job ahead of everything else, including dieting.

How did this happen?

At school I was not exactly a teachers' pet. I was a rebel, I would only study/paid attention to classes I cared for, and those were few. Neither was I good at studying I'm afraid, although I found out this only once in university.

Then, university was almost over and I needed money. In this country, you don't have student loans. My parents were no longer paying the bills (mind you, I think that was fair), and I needed a salary - desperately. Rent and groceries were not coming for free.

I had a couple internship gigs, and then I was hired by the company I currently work for.
I do financial due diligence - basically, when you want to buy a company, you come to see me. You pay my firm a fee, and I'll dig through all the financials of the company you want to buy and outline all issues/hidden gems.

This job I started and 22 and I sometimes feel it has eaten away my life.
Back in the 90's there was a TV show called Nikita (yes, there was a remake about 8/10 years ago).
The original Nikita looked a bit like me, only, she looked very deep while when I gaze like that I just look like an idiot. Anyways, that show reflected the total lack of control I had over my life since I started this job.

From the very beginning, I was cautioned to find something else as this job was unsustainable (for a woman especially of course they thought and said). This I could not do.
Since then, I changed employers often (eventually returning to the origins), I vanished in another country for year, I changed email so often, lost touch with almost everyone. But I have many friends working with me.
Although sometimes I look around: there were 90 in my team at the beginning of the year, and only 56 are left, but we must go on - meeting the goals is my prison.

And when I think the wind is blowing, freedom (partnership) will soon come - I suddenly remember the goals will be even harder.

We are so fucking crazy that in some countries we call each project a "special mission". How much Nikita does that sound to you?

Les Allemands etaint chez moi, ils me dirent: Resigne toi! mais je n'ais pas peur. J'ai repris mon arme
J'ai changé 100 fois de nom, j'ai perdu femme et enfant, mais j'ais tant d'amis: j'ai la France entière...

Safe in my own skin?

After Dubai, it was one week in Montecarlo.
Same client, who operates restaurants and night venues. Never seen so many Ferraris and Lambos in my life.
It was like the world was spinning and it was mostly populated by supercars, diaphane hookers, musicians and singers dressed like the 70s were now, dwarves (yes, dwarves), shishas, 30 liters bottles of Dom Perignon. And in the morning at their offices trying to figure the business, while my head experienced troubles addying 2 and 2.

Carrying around 10/15kg more than all the other girls tends to be depressing. I don't care that most of the girls were hookers, that is not the point. And in the end, how different are we?
I don't have sex with clients, but truly I still have to make them feel successful, smart, powerful and brave. I sell them my skills and knowledge in principle, but practically I sell my time. My time away from home, away from what I care.

The saddest part is that I am totally aware that I'll have to work all my life, and I'm also aware this work/life balance is unsustainable even in the short term. I can no longer manage it, blame it on the age, on the responsibilities it doesn't matter. I just can no longer manage it.

And I tried, I tried quitting, I tried working in a corporate and where did it lead me? If fucked up my mind in first place, and the other consequences, the real ones are/were unspeakeable. Vivien is dead and there is no going back, and I'd rather not even considering that kind of adventure again.

Old habits die hard

I seem to be back to years ago in terms of hectic life.
I left on Sunday morning for Amsterdam and came back last night. On Saturday I'm off to Dubai for a week, then it'll be Montecarlo for another week. work work work work work.

Don't get started with how much fun this is - it is not. I'm too old for this shit.

Meanwhile my husband is also back to his old habits, and on Monday night he claimed he was at home, then disappeared from the world, went out, got shit faced, lost his mobile and faile to show up at a client meeting on Tuesday morning. His team started calling me but I was in Amsterdam and had less news about his whereabouts then his team.

So not looking forward to a good old fight tonight...

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

The day came

The day came, when my dad who, bless him, looks like he was just released from Auschwitz and never reached 140 pounds in his life, told me "do you mind if I prescribe you a diet?". He's a doctor by the way. Said my knees and back are too weak for my weight.
Lost 3kg (about 7 or 8 pounds) In one week with his diet. It's supposed to last 60 days. (It basically consist in fasting).


2 weeks ago one of the senior partners joined a meeting with a client that I was conducting. Videoconference. E stepped into the room I was in and the client (friend of his) said "sit down or we only see your cock" and he answered "this way I'm the right height for Lucia". This morning, after two weeks of avoiding direct confrontation, he cornered me and asked me what was the matter.  Why was I avoiding him.

Tonight I had drinks with my former colleagues, from the firm Vivien worked for. CAN'T THEY SEE ONE PERSON IS MISSING AT THE TABLE?
of course I did not follow the diet, but I puked halfway through and as soon as I came home. Husband's away for  work.

Overall good week from an emotional stand point.

Oh, need to set my alarm at 5h30 cause tomorrow is bank holiday but I need to work. Fuck me. Maybe when they call me a blower right into my face they are right after all.

Where are you now?

As I get fatter and fatter, I yearn for that vocation, that calling, that muse I used to be able to follow.

All my life I longed to be skinny, but now it's a cry within my soul, hidden deep under the fat. And now I wonder, Ana, where have you been, and will I ever see you again? You've been a gift, for better and for worse, but now you seem to have gone.

Hot and bothered

The real issue with being married and loving your man, is you can no longer tell your dirty secrets to anyone.
Because it would be betraying your marriage somehow.

And so I'm home alone, Hub's on the other side of the planet, and I'm hot, bothered and frustrated with my dreams, and... I cannot vent with anyone.
Someone mentioning today in a Whatsapp chat my unsuccessfully hitting on Vi 13 years ago did not cheer me up either. A group chat in which Vi is included of course.
And his body is probably not as hot as it looked in my dreams anyway


Well Husband'll be back tomorrow finally, so I guess I'd better just suck it up and try and forget this stupid dreams.

On a positive note, I worked like hell all week and being alone I never had dinner (and sometimes skipped lunch). Hopefully I'll get to see some improvements soon.


I've also been unofficially confirmed I'll be made non equity partner - official communication should come in at the end of the month.
I guess I'm just too tired to really cheer - after all I've been working 18 days straight, most days >12h.

These words

All I ever wanted was you: I’ll never get to heaven, ‘cause I don’t know how.

Let’s raise a glass or two, to all the things I’ve lost on you, tell me are they lost on you? Just that you could cut me loose, after everything I’ve lost on you, is that lost on you?

My god, these words. Oh, skinny Lucy, the things I lost on you and in the end I don't have you.

Earthquake

I step in to the dressing room and strip off my trousers.

It's not simply warm, it's hot. This summer is taxing all of us in this hot, sticky city. I used to love that at night the cold never came during the summer month, and I could simply spend hours hanging out in denim shorts or in a nice short dress, revealing my lean, long legs.
I come from the Alps, and I used to think that it's not late until it gets cold, so when I moved here, 18 years old and 110 pounds, with a BMI barely touching 17.5, I loved that part.
It's true that climate has changed since then, and now we have 38° (100.4F) at 7PM.

My whole body is breaking a sweat, which is not strange as I decided again to walk the 4km from work to home in this temperature - then again, this helps shaking off the stress from the day (and, a little nagging voice adds in my mind, it only helps minimally with the carbs I gorged at lunch).
I feel strange and suddenly I wonder if a minor earthquake is happening (that's not so uncommon here, and nothing to worry about). But no one seems to notice in the shop, so I grab the size 4 trousers I have to try on and finally realize my legs are shaking.

I sit down and think if I walked too much in the heat or something. I take a big breath and no, my blood pressure is not low. It's anxiety. It's anxiety that I may not fit in a fucking pair of what we call size 42.
I'm fucking 35 years old.
And I stumble in fear that a stupid pair of trousers I don't even like may not fit. And I'm not even in public. I need to get hold of myself.

Back to old habits

Do you remember when you used to fast?

I didn't think I was any longer capable of fasting. The last time must have been in 2011 or maybe even before. Yet, somehow, I've been fasting for 62 hours, and I hope I can go on. The plan is keeping on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

Oh, I had forgotten entirely how deeply satisfying fasting can be!! In case you are wondering, I've had so far two detox drinks (spinach, fennel, celery and chia seeds), and a bowl of green salad (no oil, no sauce, just pure lettuce), which I do consider as fasting. In addition, I worked out twice (gym + running, and one Kayla ITsines BBG workout), and I plan to workout tonight as well (another Kayla Itsines session).

Let's face it, the only reasons I can actually make it are i) my husband is away/working all the time and has work dinners pretty much all week long, and ii) I'm doing nothing at work.

Work, by the way, is so bad right now I don't even want to talk about it.

Well let's see how long I can make it last. I kinda feel younger.

Shattering

My Facebook Status currently recites:

Kiss me hard before you go,
Ste#@*° #+%§§i
I just wanted you to know
That Baby, you're the best

The name is that of my husband, who left over 10  days ago for Colorado (I'm in Europe).

All dolled up (in a professional way) for the Board of Directors that's happening, I know that, while I was one of the white knights of the Company until last week, I'm now in the shit house. The deal that everyone believed secure, blew up. On the same day they announced 700 employees will be made redundant.

No wonder I've got that summertime sadness.
It doesn't matter, I'll be back on my feet.



Got my bad baby by my heavenly side: I know if I fast, I'll die happy tonight
Plan is liquid fast from now (Wednesday afternoon) until Friday night or Saturday morning if it can be managed (considering I have a 120km drive ahead on Friday night and I do not wish to really die - I just wish I could disappear).
I haven't fasted this way in a very long time, but right now, I need to see change happening.
And to see it happening that fast, there's only one way.

Stay strong lovelies

overwhelmed

I just..

I don't know

I can't keep up with this anymore



Been working over the last three weekends in addition to full week.

70 hours this week and it's only Saturday (Italian week goes from Monday to Sunday)



I never have time to eat - I end up fasting without even wanting it. This is very triggering. I'm not even hungry anymore. I just have a constant headache. Been having it for 10days now.



I drink fresh grapefruit juice at aperitivo and avoid eating.



I blurted out to a close friend (who is skinny and not pro-ana, Lord bless her): "I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to stop eating entirely."



Over the past week I usually had milk and cereals at breakfast, and sometimes a boiled egg for dinner. I also once ate 15gr of parmesan cheese, and one 0%fat, no sweeteners greek yoghurt.



(Sie kommen zu euch in der Nacht, Demonen (...) Schwartze Feen)



at least BMI is finally below 20.

I hate my German client. I hate him on so many levels I have a hard time restraining myself from insulting him in German all the time.

(insulting in German is so liberating)

I am despicable.

Mein Herz bMein Hertx brennt rennt!!!!







Now dear kids

listen carefully

I'm the voice from under the pillow

I brought something along

(...)

with this very heart I did it (...)

I'll sing 'till day breaks

A burning star from the sparkling firmament





I am so in love with Stefano, and yet I can't help my fear that thing may not work.He was away last week, now he's back. If he figures out I'm not eating, things may get out of control.



I don't wanna go back to eating

I just don't

bad

Lana Del Rey is killing me

Work is killing me

Being fat is killing me

Kiss me all before you go, summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
that baby, you're the best

Mid year moderation meeting at work. Turns out I'm the best of my group. Yet, there may be no place for promotions. Which I already did not get last year.

I'm fat. I'm ashamed of my fatness.

Just wanna go back to when I was 16 and skinny
Living in the UK summertime with Kat, who really was the best at that time.

I really really really feel miserable in my body. I wish I could just no longer care about work and focus on training and dieting.

I cannot die, because then I'd stay fat forever. Nothing scares me more.

Kat is gone, my sweet 16 are gone, the time when I was skinny's gone.

All that's left is this fat sitting on my belly, on my bootie, on my legs, every fucking where.

The truth about it

Here's the truth.

I know that training is better than fasting.

BUT, fasting deliver weight loss so much faster than training.

And in the end, fasting + training delivers even better results.

dropped 3.7 pounds in 2 days (1.7kg)

if they keep abusing me at work like they did over the past 2 days, I may drop 17kg before vacation (which is like 38 lbs)

Somehow I expect the abusing will go on at the same rate, but the weight loss is bound to slow down. meh.

(22 days into the 30 days shred challenge and still going, level 3 is a bitch. My hip now hurts so badly I can't run, I can barely walk although living on painkillers. Booking an MRI)

stay strong lovelies

Formidable

16 days into the 30 days shred challenge.
I did the 30ds train 15 times, plus I've been running 4 times (much less than usual, but I have an aching hip, due to an old rheumatism.

I feel like an old witch
I look like an obese seal.

I kinda hate myself

not good enough

Inexorably sliding into unhappiness

Hiked Monte Rosa (4.550mt) on Tuesday, and that helped dropping 2kg (which I had previously gained during the weekend).
(Ski touring like that corresponds to 8 hours straight at the gym - it is fucking hard and rewarding t the same time)

"Dad, Mum hates my wedding dress, and everybody else does"
"Lucy, it's probably just the picture that doesn't make it any justice. I'm sure you'll look great with it"
(thank-you dad, I love you very much)

Before the hike I was sure I was not trained enough and worried I was goign to be a burden for Dad and Bro.
It turned out, I was in the best shape, and I had to drag Dad along.
Yet, they are both so skinny, and I am not.

Finally, after my washing machine broke last night, my landlady apparently wants to move in, which means S and i have to be out of the flat by the end of September.
With our wedding on sep4, and our honeymoon right after.

Crap.

On a better note, we'll be in Aruba 10 days in September and then in NYC for 4 days. Can't wait.

what if..

..we were to spend our time out there, taking full advantage of your short life and shorter youth, instead of thinking and thinking and thinking that we're fat?

After all....


One day baby, we'll be old
Oh baby, we'll be old
And think of all the stories that we could have told

(I don't think about you all the time
but when I do I wonder why)