when they drop the C word, it's always shitty

It's been 9 months since we first went to see a doctor about husband breathing problem.
He got nose surgery in May, but they could not remove a small tumor he has on his skull, since they're afraid of touching the brain. Just keep it monired they told us.

The breathing finally seemed to improve in June when we went to Greece - at least for a while.

Then it got worse, with more polips forming in his nose.

In late July he got a mild case of pneumonia - mild also because I got him on antibiotics on day 1.

In august he started complaining about chest pains, and his breathing is worse than ever - his troubles seem to be lung-related now, not just nose-related. My dad happens to be a pneumologist, so he checked him last week and told him to just have a TAC.

As soon as husbad left the room dad told me to have the TAC and other exams done ASAP because, he said, "if he has cancer you'll need to know asap".

Fuck.

Waiting for the TAC results now. Meanwhile, frankly, I understand why he doesn't  quit smoking. Let's face it, who more than people like us can understand that? If I can't manage to get below 60kg, how on earth can I expect that he can stop smoking?

we've barely slept in the past 2 months, since he has so much trouble when we lay dow, and I'm having more and more trouble keeping my shit together at work.

Wedding party

At our friends wedding, we're having big fun. Many of these people work for TV, and they know how to throw a party.

It's the end of August, the last real day of summer, and everyone feels this (despite the heat that is still going on and on and on, relentless over the past three months and tonight). Everyone is having fun, but they seem to put some extra energy in their having fun.

It seems like a scene from The Great Gatsby.

Crossing the renaissance villa's Italian gardens (facing the sea), I see my husband. standing tall and suntanned among the other people. His back straight, his stance confident, he's one of the few men who do not look overwhelmed by the heat. He's confident, at ease.

And I remember when I met him, it was so clear he was the only one for me.
We both knew it, right away, and as the years went on, things got more difficult - we were faced with more challenges.

I begged him to stay, try to remember what we had in the beginning.

He is charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knows it. When he walks in, everyone stands up to talk to him.

I always have the sense that he is torn between being a good person and missing out on all the opportunities that life can offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way, I... understand him.

And I love him, I love him, I love him.



Post Scritptum
the politics opportunity is real. But
 would anyone really want to get involved in politics in this country?
 this people have a lot to hide, and I know some. I know they earn a lot that if off the records, and I'm not sure if there is worse than that
So I don't really think I'll do it.
I'm not going to say I sleep easily, as anxiety is big these days. But at least it's anxiety about what I do, and it's not guilty feeling (ok, lots of guilty feelings 'bout food, but you know what I mean LOL).

The Deal

I have very little time and I'm quite absent from Blogger lately.
But I feel I have to share this.

I'm getting Married!!

now, you all now I'm as happy as one can be and bla bla

The thing is: now I have no excuses. In order to fit into the dress (which I already have, long story for another day), I need to lose a lot of weight.
Let's start!

xoxo

Plans

Next summer will ROCK.

I'm probably going here

And I'm going to be THIS skinny

So, everything will be perfect


(oh, and Mom? last night when I told you I'm not going to have kids, I wasn't lying. Sorry!)

Then this thing turned out so evil, I don't know why I'm still surprised

(to my ED) But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind I keep swinging. I don't even ultra-super-mega binge. Honest. I never get to the point I consider puking. Then I realize I've fagocitated 2500kcals in a single day. ...and it's sick that all these battles, are what keeps me satisfied... I don't know. My mounth is still tore up due to the tooth estraction, therefore puking is not an option. I've never been much of a MIA, but I'm considering this: I need to drop the fat. I must stop the binge. Therefore, (as soon as my mouth heals), I may consider throwing up after bingeing, as a punishment (I don't believe in throwing up for losing weight: it takes 20minutes to absorb the calories; my massive overeating happens at the parents' place, where coffee goes on for a while after eating, so puking would happen too late to help). Effing disgusting, I know. I must stop running away, and start facing reality. Each calory counts. At least I'm still training hard.. On to another subject. Bloggers sometimes disappear. Sometimes someone we specially care for disappears, and when it's within the blogorexia, it's often scary. Did they drop out because they're happy? I hope so, but often don't believe it. Marcus from Do you like lemones? disappeared, and even cancelled his blog. Marcus, I hope you're doing great, but I miss you. Miss Burton, on the other hand, may be back. I really hope she decides to come back to the blogorexia, because I missed her too! Belle, who later turned into Rogue, is another beautiful person I lost track of. And I think everybody remembers (wonders?) about Ana Regziz. Love you all sweeties. I'm not commenting much, but I'm still reading!