too late for revenge

Dear Vivien,
so they fired the asshole CEO who made you miserable.
The same one who wouldn't look me in the eye at your funeral.

But it's too late, ain't it?

It's not even revenge, after all, he's retiring as a millionaire, and I don't care.

Maybe, at least, things will improve for those who stayed in the company.

My friend, it's been 5 months and the worst part is there is noone I can talk to about you.

gone

I flew back from Greece on Sunday morning, landed happily and got a call.
From a former coworker.
He said "Look I don't know how else to say this, Vivien died"
I actually asked him if this was a bad joke. Vivien, 42, beautiful, healthy and lovely cannot be dead
Vivien, who adopted a troubled, orphaned teenager last summer
Vivien, my friend, who could be trusted to always make sense
Vivien, the kind one, who talked too much and who everyone loved

Vivien drowned last Saturday

Vivien was definitely not the sporty kind, but one thing she could do was swimming. Born and raised by the Mediterrean, swim she could.

Vivien, who a couple weeks ago, when I bailed out of drinks (explaining I had to be at my grandmother's place as my parents were on vacation on the premises I would stay with Granny who's 94) wrote me "I'm thinking of giving up"

We spoke afterwards and she said she was a bit overwhelmed with her kid, but the thought is there

Goodbye my friend. You were awesome. I don't believe in an afterlife. But I do belive you left a sign. So many people were crying at your funeral. We miss you already


Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
I'll let the judges frown

And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be
Goodbye my friend

Crush

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you're mine

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true:
a body like you

Not good. Obsessed with weight. My two best friends from work moved on the other side of the atlantic ocean. I just.. I don't even know. I feel so lonely. This winter is unbearable, it seems to always rain. I need to spend sometime outside in the sun. I need a friend to share a salad with at lunch time. I need attention. I am so fucking needy I'm disgusted by myself

I hadn't even considered hurting myself for years. This is so fucked up.


I will burn for you, feel the pain for you, I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart..
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me.

Friend or foe. Jillian Michaels

Maria, my best friend, my biggest foe.

Maria is my best friend, and she still lives in France, where we met. We shared so much, but last year she fell deeper and deeper into a horrible depression. While my feelings towards her were unchanged, at a certain point I almost stopped reaching out for her, because every time we spoke on the phone she would end up sobbing louder and louder until excusing herself and hanging up. It got to a point where I realized that talking to me would only stir certain feelings that were probably best left alone.

This did not stop me from visiting her last December, where I met a poor shadow of my friend, weighting barely 38 kg (BMI 16.4).

Around spring, she slowly started getting better. She goes out, started a new class of capoeira, blah blah.

she came over the weekend to visit, and well, she did hit 40 kg. which puts her BMI at 17.3 (she is short and tiny).

I love her and really hope she keeps getting better.
But shopping with her? pure nightmare.


On a side note, I've started the 30 days shred program by Jillian Michaels, on top of my regular training. I'll let you know the results.

Shopping

While still overworked, I did go and try some bridal gowns last weekends.

Before I even walked into the bridal store, I bought these on sale

While it's true I'm supposed to save money right now, I spend an awful lot of time in random meeting with clients, and a girl cannot always wear the same thing right?

Then I moved to the place I was supposed to go, with this chick who works with me: she's engaged, but her mom lives in Mexico, so cannot come to Milan to go shopping with her, then I offered to do it together.

Downside: she turned out to be far skinnier then me.

Upside: we tried completely different gowns, so at least the comparison was not so mortifying.

This is the one I prefer so far. I know girls, it's short. I'm not blind. Long dress simply don't suit me.

There must be an angel looking over me

Just when I've decided that since I'm working all alone, in a lonely room, I'll skip lunch altogether, Jules calls me.

"Lucy! come have lunch with us"

Jules is my co-worker at the moment, and he's adorable. I can't say "No thanx", because he'll know I've skipped, and he'll wonder why do I prefer to sit alone than have lunch with friends.

So I go, and I order a pizza.

800 kcals of fat, ready to stick to my hips for the next 80 years or so.

And then, a miracle happens, and my pizza doesn't come. The boys get theirs, apparently there's been some mix-up with orders, and mine doesn't come. After half diet coke and 40 minutes, I have to go back to the office because I have to attend a meeting. I promise I'll grab something on the way back (of course I won't), and I leave, fasting and safe.

Thank-you, my angel

PS. am still over 130lbs, although slightly. BMI: 20.9

I feel I can reasonably drop 5lbs by Xmas, but facing Xmas break will be complicated.

I almost had it all

What a fab weekend I just had!

It was the best summer weather ever. I was at the lake, and we had warm days, with a nice wind from the north, deep blue sky, shining water.

Yesterday morning I had promised to help out at my neighbor's sailing club in order to prepare food for the regatta; however, after 2 hours of chopping onions (lol), a friend of mine asked me if I could join him for the regatta since he was lacking a bowman and of course I said yes!

So I quickly changes from my apron into shorts, t-shirt and swimsuit and hopped on his boat, which is this kind of boat:

We had a lot of wind, sailed having so much fun and ended winning the regatta! Since I had plans with Mom right after it, I skipped both lunch and the after-regatta pasta party!

Then I went with Mom and Granny to watch the fireworks, and then...

....I realized summer is over for me. I mean, I'll be in London next week (and up there it's chilly already), and then it will be Fall.

The nice thing is my last summer weekend ROCKED.

The less nice thing is how all the people at the regatta made comments on how I gained weight since last year. And it's true.

So I came back to the city this morning carrying supplies for the week: zucchini, salad, and two eggs, all from Mom's garden. That's the healthy plan for the week.

I hope you all had great weekends, and for those who live in the Southern Emisphere: spring's coming soon! stay strong!

Random thoughts

126.1 lbs this morning.

Small steps in the right direction.

Gym tonight, gym tomorrow morning, and on Saturday I have planned a 40km bike trip with dad.

For the next regatta (June 20), I want my body to look like this.

I keep going out every night. It's a bit too much.


Ok, let's be honest. Tomorrow I'm attending a fashion event. In Milan. This means most girl will have a BMI of 18 or less. Ugh. I'm going to write a QMNMD temporary tattoo on the inner part of my wrist (Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit). As a reminder.

Last night I went out with my high school best friend. She thinks I'm obsessed with dieting. She keeps telling everyone she's so lucky she hasn't gained a lb in the last year. I saw her waiting for me at the corner, and it looked like she had a giant doughnut wrapped around her waist.

She's as tall as I am, but she must be at least 10 lbs heavier than I am, and has no muscle at all. And she wonders why she hasn't gotten laid over the last year...

At least she's happy with her body, which is more thant I can say about myself!

PS Check Chitosan on wikipedia. I tried it slowly at first because it may give problems to those allergic to shell food (which I am) but my body seems to cooperate for once.

Apparently it doesn't allow your body to digest carbs and fats. Downside: expect massive poops 15 minutes after eating. NOT recommandable for glamour soirées.