A big question, followed by a big silence

 Today I turn 44, which sounds unreal. I had a party at home last Friday night, and I must say I really felt loved and surrounded by friends. I know, most of these relationships stem from work, but the fact that people who stopped working with me years ago are still friends I see and talk to often and that they show they still care is somehow reassuring.

(my mother in my young years and then my husband always told me I have no friends and I never managed not to be hurt from their assessment).

The party went on from 7PM to midnight when I basically told the last few people it was time for them to go home, considering the amount of alcohol consumed :-)

Sunday I suggested that maybe husband and I could spend an extra half an hour in bed for some fun and was clearly met with a "no it's late I have to go to the gym and then I want to work a bit before lunch". ooooookay.

The rest of the weekend was spent tiding up, going to the gym, having lunch outside and working a bit - and talking to Maria who at least is going through phases now, sometimes she's obsessive and crying but sometimes seems to be more tranquil - and this is a big improvement from crying 24/7. I suspect I will probably have to talk to her every day at least until mid August when she gets to Italy but it's ok as long as she's making some progress. I wish I could convince her to seek professional help but she flatly refuses.

Mischief is.... I don't even know what to say. I ended texting my question and well, a big question was met by a big silence I would say. Well, that's not even true, I explained about the SF thing which blew up and something crazy that happened with a client and  wrote:

Me: "question is: if I happen to be in the US this summer/autumn, do you want to see me?"

Mischief: "That's crazy stuff. Yes call you Friday"

Then he disappeared, texted some random stuff yesterday and disappeared again.

Honestly I don't know. There are moments when I think I shall just tell him hey, let's meet in NY in a couple of weeks (he'll be there) and moments when I think "what the hell Lucy? the guy does not want you". The first kind of moments usually happen when I'm high from vaping.

I hate it when I cannot read a situation but I'm not sure if I cannot read it, or to quote my brother, if he's just not that into me. May be I just do not want to acknowledge the latter, but on one thing I trust my gut: I have never felt so alive in the past 20 years as I have with him, and I feel the same is true for him.

Weight: still stuck at 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. But after the drinking, the pizza, the meat of the weekend, I consider it a success. Now I have two weeks ahead of restriction.

On a different note, I want to fully enjoy this summer. I want to travel a bit, to spend more time outdoor, to get as tan as possible (I am a huge user of SFP 50 don't worry). My friends from university were organizing to meet in Helsinki and I immediately said yes (then plans got postponed to next summer because the one who lives farther away (Bangkok) broke his feet but my point is until last year I would have said "sounds lovely but no thanks". Now that I feel good again, I want to live.

Song for this post: "Spending my time" Roxette

Surprise!

 Last Thursday evening, there was the leaving party of one of my work lieutenants, and as you can imagine I drank a bit too much - not awfully so, but wine was not top quality and thanks to my allergies I woke up in the morning to find some bumps on my face (that luckily disappeared well before noon).

On Friday evening, there was Husband's work summer party. I almost bailed, as I was really tired, but then, it was really close to my office so at 7h30PM I signed off and decided to stop by to say hi to a few friends. And luckily I did...

... because it was actually a surprise birthday party for me!

(yes, truly yours is turning 40 this week)

I always wanted a surprise birthday party.. and never had one before! Husband pulled together a surprising number of people (supported by Matt, my work best friend) and I was truly moved by the fact that some actually drove from far to attend, especially on a very warm Friday night.

In short.. it was awesome, and I really felt loved!

Coming soon on "Waiting for the Miracle": my 16yo nephew temporarily moved in with us as today he's starting his summer internship!

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine

Happy birthday to me!

Well, I didn't get Alessandra Ambrosio's looks (and skinny body) for my birthday, but

I am losing

slowly.

136.5lbs (61.9kg) this morning. BMI: 21.7

small steps, but it's the right direction.

Also, Marcus message was a great birthday gift by itself. I hope you decide to stay in touch, my friend. Of course, whatever your decision will be, I will respect that, but I do hope you'll stay.

And, Ivi, I was so happy to find you!!! Your creativity always leaves me speechless.

Oh, in case you were wondering... I'm going to rock the city tonight. I'll be hanging out at Cavalli's place. After all, why bother living in the city of wonder if you don't take advantage of these things?

Love you all

Tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me

Every year, for some reasons, I’m miserable for my birthday. It’s usually one of the worst weeks of the year.

Mostly, my family makes me miserable. They don’t mean to, yet they manage to make me cry every year. It’s true, I always say my bday isn’t a big deal to me, but hell, of course I’m lying. I do it because back in my teenage things used to go so wrong that deep down I’m still afraid of celebrations.

Steve will be away, since my birthday’s on Wednesday. That’s bad enough, but at least he’s flying in for the weekend. I asked him to take his Friday off, so we could spend a long weekend at my parents’ place by the lake, but when he bought the ticket he forgot, so our weekend will basically last one day and a half.

Bro promised long ago to arrange BBQ at his place on Saturday night with friends. When I called him on Saturday, to compliment him about his performance on a national regatta, I asked him about details. The answer? “Oh, I totally forgot. Sorry Sis, I’m working on Saturday, so that can’t be done”. I didn’t complain but it hurt like hell.

Finally, after planning the weekend with my parents, last night dad told me they’re leaving for a short trip on Wednesday and they probably won’t be home before Sunday night (we’re leaving on Sunday at noon, since Steve’s got his flight on Sunday afternoon).

Sorry if I’m childish, but I do feel neglected.

But the truth is, the worst thing is there’s only one thing that would really make me happy. The only gift I want is for Steve to ask me. And this is not going to happen.

Oh, also, Dad had something to tell me last night, after we went running 4 miles. He said I need to drop weight pronto. He said I look awful, that I’m at my worst ever and that I need to stop eating right now. And of course he’s right, but it kinda hurts when people you love feel that they need to say it, doesn’t it?

Maybe I shouldn't take love for granted. Maybe they just don't love me anymore because I'm ugly. And after all, I should have known it. Nobody loves failures.

Fasting birthday

I have been fasting since Sunday night, which means about 38 hours. And I hit the gym this morning.
So far I only had black coffee (unsweetened), water and I had to drink one beer last night. But (excuse me, this is gross) beer works on me as a laxie, so…
Steve took me out last night with other friends of his to watch the match. It made me happy, because he made me understand nothing changed between us. We’re actually even closer. Like, when I got to the pub there wasn’t much place and he immediately gestured me to sit on his lap, so he kept me there through the whole match and never complained that I’m a big fat whale. After the match, the others wanted to go to McD to grab some dinner, and I said I would rather go home. Steve’s flatmate tried to convince me and said Steve would surely walk me back afterwards, but Steve said “Let her go, she’d never manage to resist McD”.
Sometimes I wonder how much he understands.

I’m stuck at 124.6lbs (blame it on the weekend, mom fed me).

I’m going for lunch with workmates in 10 minutes. I’m trying out Cassie’s way. Do you remember when she explains in “Skins” how she fakes eating? We’ll see.
Oh, and since it’s my birthday, Steve said he’s taking me out tonight, but we haven’t made plans yet.

Wish me luck skinnies!