One moment in time

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me ONE MOMENT IN TIME
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

(Whitney Houston)

In case you are still wondering, I'm heading to the party in honor of my promotion to equity partner. 

It's been a crazy week, with even a couple of tears in honor of the young, skinny, naive girl who always thought she wasn't good enough for this and she needed to find a job, who faced things a person shouldn't have to face, who messed up, cleaned up her mess, who stood up straight.

Now it's time for fun - like an idiot I forgot the coke at home but I'm sure it'll be fun - it doesn't even matter I'm not skinny tonight. Tonight, it's about what I've done and what I've achieved.

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

After putting in 16 solid hours of work yesterday, that involved skipping dinner and leaving halfway through lunch (which consisted of raw salmon and green salad), new low weight of the year.
59.8kg this morning. 132.1lbs. BMI: a solid 21.0
Still disgusting, and we all know that weight loss achieved through fasting doesn't last.
Well, at least I did drink a lot of water throughout the whole day, so the loss shouldn't be derived from water starvation.

(and just in case you were wondering, no, I don't get paid for extra hours)

bad

Lana Del Rey is killing me

Work is killing me

Being fat is killing me

Kiss me all before you go, summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
that baby, you're the best

Mid year moderation meeting at work. Turns out I'm the best of my group. Yet, there may be no place for promotions. Which I already did not get last year.

I'm fat. I'm ashamed of my fatness.

Just wanna go back to when I was 16 and skinny
Living in the UK summertime with Kat, who really was the best at that time.

I really really really feel miserable in my body. I wish I could just no longer care about work and focus on training and dieting.

I cannot die, because then I'd stay fat forever. Nothing scares me more.

Kat is gone, my sweet 16 are gone, the time when I was skinny's gone.

All that's left is this fat sitting on my belly, on my bootie, on my legs, every fucking where.

Instructions on how to survive New Years Eve for a wannabe skinny

Disclaimer:
as you may have noticed, this is a strictly over 18 blog. I do not encourage doing what I write bout in any way.

FIRST
Wear something comfortable. The other girls, all wrapped in too tight dresses, will look fatter, you'll feel better.

SECOND
When you get to your friends house, check out the food and compliment the cooks. Before dinner I mean!

THIRD
When someone starts pouring aperitivo, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Blow a small line, oh, and before you buy some random coke, be sure the yours is cut with both novocaine AND laxies.

FOURTH
Drink some aperitivo. By this time, your from teeth will start feeling awkward. The bubbles from the champagne will increase this feeling. Try to staff some salted food in your mouth. It will taste like cardboard. Don't forget to keep complimenting the cook (with words, not facts).
By the first course, all your hunger will be forgotten.

Keep repeating when needed.

On the next days, avoid public activities as much as possible. You will poop often and conspicuously.
Don't forget to have fun and drink a lot of water!

Remember lovelies - bikini season's coming soon.

Missing Wolverine

In sleep he works with me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me
and speaks my name
and do I dream again?
For now I find
Wolverine my boss is here
inside my mind


Dreamed of Wolverine (my ex-boss, here) three times over the last 4 days.

A sign? Dunno. I sure miss him at work. Stockholm syndrome? totally.