Not yet there, it seems

 Went to the dietician this morning, weighted at 57.5kg (126.7lbs, BMI 19.9).

While my BMI could be lower, I have honestly developed a certain level of muscles over the last 6 months. I may not be able to do pull-ups, but I can do unassisted chin-ups (ok, 3 or 4 depending if I'm rested or not, but still).

This to say, I honestly expected to receive a "maintenance" diet, a pat on my shoulder and a goodbye.

Instead, he said I should try to reach 55kg (121.2lbs - BMI 19). And gave me another appointment in 40 days. I am kind of wondering (provided I meet the target) if at that point he'll say that 53 would be even better considering then the Christmas season brings a lot of food, and maybe then why not make it 50?

I'm probably nasty, but I was honestly surprised.

On a different topic, we're having an Indian summer and I spent the weekend wearing short jeans, thinking it was likely the last chance to show off the legs. Husband muttered all the time (he would prefer me all covered up in baggy clothes of course), but honestly it was too warm for anything else. I don't recall ever such a warm weather in October, but considering I go to work by bike, I'm not complaining. At least we've had sex over the weekend, after a dry spell of September.

Ok, I'm dancing around what's going on. The last few days have been a bit difficult, with a friend from work who called me crying after stepping out of an MRI (I knew he was going for it) where they found him a prostrate cancer, my neighbor visiting yesterday after she's had a brain tumor removed two weeks ago, and a client who called me on Friday to announce he'll be off for a while for pretty much the same reason. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful that Husband, I and our families are overall in good health, and I'm also humbled that these people trust me to talk about private matters. It's just I struggle to find words to console them, I wish I could do more although I perfectly know the best I can do is to listen to them when they need to talk to someone.

Finally, I have not been writing about Mischief but he's not disappeared from my life. As Bath suggested, I'm clearly the emotional crutch and he writes me any time he's not home. I wish I could say I don't think about him, but that would be a lie.

Song for this post: "Say it right" by Nelly Furtado

Too much

 I spent last week in Munich attending work internal meetings and I got a bit too wild. Oktoberfest was in full swing and spent two nights there, the first one in a large tent where I barely touched any alcohol, and the second in a small posh tent where champagne (Ruinart) was literally flowing from 3 liters bottles. I touched no water. All was good until I left with another (female) partner to walk back to the hotel. There are no cabs in Munich during Oktoberfest, and the hotel was a good 40 minutes away. The first half was okay, then I started stumbling. At some point there were stairs and I missed one step, luckily near the bottom, but that was not cool. After that, I'd rather not tell.

The next day was literally awful, but at least that night I went back home.

Can you tell I'm overwhelmed by work? I also had a nasty cold for the last 25 days, which did not help.

I'm still trying to train but of course I have not kept up with the usual schedule of 6 trainings a week. Hopefully I'm getting back to it.

On a better news, on Sunday I was alone at the gym (husband had too much of a cold to come) and I suddenly realized as I was putting weights back in the rack that from a profile my 6 pack if finally noticeable. Front view we're still not there, but side view it's literally impossible to miss. 

This was pretty much the highlight of the month together with the Anyma show I went to with my nephew.

Weight wise: 57.5kg or 126.8lbs. BMI: 19.9

and yet my waist is slimmer than it was 10 years ago at a lower weight - my arms are bigger, which sucks but I guess if I insist with the pull-ups this is what I get. I have the dietician appointment next Monday and am in line with the target he gave me - let's see how it goes.

Song for this post: "Skyfall" by Adele

America?

 Summer is half over and I'm still here working.

I finally got the deal that made me spend so many nights in negotiation calls signed, but another one started, the team has signed off for vacation (some projects finished, some not) and as always when I feel I'm alone working on something I feel lonely. It's not even fair that I write this because I have a manager who is working with me super hard on this project but he's based in India and I still feel lonely.

I also miss Mischief, who has last texted on Tuesday and then went MIA.

Spotify just gave me an old Italian song that says this:

Make me dream! she bites her lip and can feel America

Make me fly! he reaches out with his hand, and she can touch America

Make love to me! stronger and stronger, as if it was America

Make love to me! stronger and stronger, and I am America

Food control has not been good but yet I did lose a little more and woke up at 59.9kg - 132lbs - BMI 20.7 -  while change is minimal, the psychological threshold of having a different first number when you do kilos is big. I felt a little in a rut but now I feel again I can reach 57 by end of September. I want to need new jeans.

I'm also still working hard on the pull-up goal. I can do two non-assisted chin-ups and if I have a good bar 1 pull-up but I need to see improvement and am a bit worried about vacation as I won't have access to a bar. Whatever.

Song for this post: "America" by Gianna Nannini

A weekend by the sea

 I spent most nights last week in negotiation calls / reviewing agreements and shooting emails. The latter is possibly worst than the former, because when I know I have a videocall starting at 11PM, I just try to get home not too late, get dinner ready, relax a bit with aperitivo on the terrace with husband, have dinner, maybe watch some TV with him and then he goes to bed and I get ready for my call. But when emails keep coming and going, I go to bed and then I fall asleep but I stress that something may be happening so I typically wake at 1 in the morning, start reading emails and reviewing things and this can go on for two to four hours and then once it seems things are calming down I fall back to sleep but I'm still stressed so that's not good.

Why at night? because our counterparties are in San Francisco which has a 9 hours difference this time of the year (it's even worse n October when it's 10 hours); also, this time it's a bunch of disrespectful idiots (that's usually not the case but it is on this deal). With some luck this shall be signed today (although I have already started another acquisition project again in SF).

Husband and I spent the weekend at the seaside, our neighbors have a nice villa on a sea-facing cliff and had invited us to stay for the weekend. I love so much spending time by the sea, especially in summer. Just the sensation of the sun on my skin paired with the smell of the sea is enough to make me feel so good. Of course I had to be in a call through half of the dinner, but overall it was a lovely weekend. I managed not to stress too much about how I looked in my bikini, relaxed a bit in the sun and had some good laughs. I binged, but I'm at a point where I don't feel like complaining about what I've done - I'd rather focus on the next steps. I hope I get more sleep this week as this will certainly help keeping the training and eating on track.

I had the dietician appointment this morning and even though I missed the goal by 1 kg (we had so much focaccia and various pesto and carbs over the weekend I feared the worst) he was happy with the results: 60.3kg (132.9lbs) - BMI 20.9. Next time will be beginning of October, with a goal of 57-58kg. He also said I can start eating some chickpeas, which I missed tremendously.

Finally, Mischief keeps the chat alive. I suspect he will continue to do so in the next 10 days or so and then disappear as he'll go to Hawaii with the family in the second half of August. I dreamt of him on Saturday, and we were walking around Milano.

Song for this post: Wicked game by Chris Isaac

This is where we had dinner on Saturday

More zombies please

 Believe it or not, just as I wrote my last post, that night Mischief reappeared. I am starting to think I have jinx powers - when I write here he disappears, he resurfaces. When I write here he's supposed to call he never does.

I also realize what this actually means: he's just not that into me and he probably writes and calls when he feels lonely or bored, or when he needs something from me.

In case you were wondering, he just randomly texted, it was late and I was with work friends at a champagne tasting experience which should have involved 6 wines and actually involved 12 glasses. It was a fun night overall, I sent him a pic of the glasses and then he went on bitching a bit about how he works too hard and has too many social nights with clients. As much as my heart kind of skipped a bit when I saw he was texting, I was overall unimpressed. I'll try not to initiate any conversation going forward (but the reality is that if I travel to the US I will text him, let's face it, even though he said he does not want to see me, because I apparently have 0 dignity - and I am likely to travel to the US in Autumn). 

On a different note, my training schedule still involves some elliptical machine sessions, which I especially love because I watch those films and shows that my husband is not keen on while doing this. I try to watch them in English (unless if they are French of course) to practice a bit. The thing is lately (after finishing Euphoria I should say) I have indulged in romance (One day, Before Sunset - which really struck, Notting Hill). I do not think this is good for me right now, so once I'm done with Notting Hills I shall go back to something violent an unromantic - my top pics are usually shows involving zombies, although I will re-watch Fauda in the autumn before the new season comes out. If you have recommendations, they're welcome! (I would love to watch Station Eleven as I adored the book, but it's not available in Italy).

Weight update: 60.3kg - 132.9lbs, BMI 20.9

Final appointment with the dietician in a week and I still have one kg to go - fingers crossed

Song for this post: "The Spectre" in the Alosa version

Jeans and clients

I lost count of the jeans I've bought and discarded this year as they were getting too loose. 

Last night I was talking to a client (my main and my favorite by far incidentally)  and he was commenting the counterparty requests on a deal we're working on and he said "it's like the thing you always say, right? about how anyone can lose 20kg by dieting but what we're buying is the current situation, not a hypothetical adjustment". And I said "so true! but I may need to change example because I lost 19 kg, you have not seen me in a while". And he was like "really??? are you like massively training, or dieting or both?" and I explained and honestly, I think it's the first time I realized that I have really lost 19 kg and in pounds the number is even more satisfying (42lbs).

If I'm being honest, I'm also more slim than I used to be at the same weight in the past - I think it is because I am doing a lot of strength training on top of cardio, and I never lifted in the past - my posture has improved as well.

Mischief has of course disappeared entirely, as expected. To Bath point, yes, he is married and has two teenage kids. I may also add that there was a bump in his marriage many years ago when he spent a night with a colleague, who later sent a letter to his wife informing her she had given him a blow job.

Which incidentally brings me to the BJ topic - I never understand if Americans are obsessed with blow jobs or if they simply don't get them at home? I realize it's my neurodivergent mind that dwells on these kind of topics, but I have come to peace years ago with the fact that my mind is wired differently than most people's.

Weight update: 60.8kg - 134lbs - BMI 21.0

Song for this post: "Dernière Danse" by Indila

Snap

So I'm snapping, one, two

Where are you?

You're still in my heart

Snapping, three, four

Don't need you here anymore

Get out of my heart

'Cause I might snap

Working on my goals (still supported by the elastic band though - is there an elastic band equivalent for my feelings?)

Weight: 61.3kg - 135lbs - BMI 21.2

Song: Snap! by Rosa Lynn

The Tan

 Just as if I jinxed it by writing that Mischief was in touch on a daily basis, he disappeared. Since he's a psychopath about privacy and online presence, he set our whatsapp chat to delete messages after 7 days, which is something I hate as I'm the kind of person who religiously keeps old letters, messages etc.

The chat is now empty.

I know I had said I would not reach out, but eventually I wrote this morning "Stranger, did something happen?".

 

He was probably already sleeping by the time I texted (remember he's 9 hours behind, and I sent this after training at the gym), so we'll see. I know he was spending the 4th of July on his own and his wife was staying back in NY, so either they changed plans and stayed as well, or it's strange that he was on his own and has not reached out.

 

I know I should just let this go, and you know I won't. And the reason is simple. I am fairly confident he feels the same way I do. And I am very confident that neither of us will experience this again, considering we have not in more than 20 years. I do not want nor plan to wreck his or my life over this, but if I get a chance to enjoy this and see his a couple times a year, I will.

 

 

On a different note, I went to the lake for the weekend and managed to grab a quick coffee with my brother. I was wearing short jeans and a polo shirt and he was like "Sis, you look amazing! The tan! And I love your shorts, these clothes really suit you". This made my day.

 

I have an appointment with a piercer tonight. I don't think I'll go through, but let's see.

 

Weight wise: 61.8kg (136lbs) - BMI 21.4. Slow progress, but still progressing.

 

Song for this post: "Don't think of me" by Dido

Twist in my sobriety

 Once upon a time, this was a weight loss blog. At that time, I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now and I felt fat. This was 16 years ago.

This morning I had the dietician appointment and managed to hit 62kg (136.6lbs - BMI 21.5). I negotiated with him that I still want to drop 3 more kilos (6.5lbs) and have next appointment in one month. I guess I'm going to eat a lot of tomatoes :-) While this may sound strange, I'm happy, happy about how I look and feel, about how strong I am.

 

The dietician is an old physician and a bit of a flirt, the way old gentlemen from his area of Italy can be, and always showers me in compliments. He asked "Is your husband happy that you lost weight?" and I truthfully replied "No, doctor, he would like me fatter - but then again, he always liked boobs and ass on women". He laughed, I just shrugged.

 

S (husband) is unhappy at work. As a consequence of an acquisition, he had to renegotiate his agreement. They made him an offer and he went back asking twice, apparently (at least later on he said this to me) hoping they would reject the offer. They said fine, and now he's pissed again. Meanwhile I got him two other interviews, with my firm and another one. He was unsatisfied with both. The only thing he seems to be into these days is training at the gym.

 

I also am not in the list of things he's happy about. He's not happy about the fact I work too much, about how I dress, how I eat, the weight I lost, the way I look. We had sex last Sunday, for the first time in 30 days. Later I said I was going out shopping and he asked what I was looking for an I said I needed to get some underwear (I'm basically losing my panties after the weight loss) and he said "Oh, ok, just don't buy anything sexy". Ouch. I ended up buying a pair of short jeans that were pretty much what I would have worn at 17 - probably too much indeed, but EVERYONE who has seen me wearing them has complimented me (like even random people in shops). I may not be skinny but I've been training so much it shows. A bit of tan also helps - I mean I feel more comfortable in my body than I have for so many years, and I'm loving that.

 

I am considering a belly button piercing - I wanted one when I was young and never got around to it, and now I look decent again… Husband would be strongly against it so I haven't even told him. I think if I manage to hit 59 kg I'm going to do it, but we'll see. I may still change my mind (I'm a bit afraid of the healing, especially about going to the sea in late August).

 

I think what I'm trying to say is I still love S and still plan to spend the rest of my life with him, but I sometimes wonder if he will ever get out of this rut. He's been unhappy about work over the past two years (he changed one year ago and it was not a good choice) and I get that this affects his whole life, but after two years of bitching I just want my man back. I may be unfair but… I'm the one who's bringing home most money, and yet I'm the one who has to cook dinner every night, who has to manage the household and so on.

 

I am grateful that he never told me "You got fat" or "You look horrible". But these days, whenever I have to go somewhere for work, I feel like I'm escaping. I want to feel "seen", and I'm not getting this at home.

Song for this post: "Twist in my sobriety" by Tanita Tikaram

All my life on my head (don't want to think about it)

 It's been a bit of a rough week. First my computer died on me on Wednesday, and after arguing with IT (they initially offered to give me a new one on June 25....) for a couple hours, I managed to grab one at 6PM, with most of the updates yet to be done but at least I'm relatively autonomous at this - I still lost almost a full day of work, and this is the busiest season of the year...

On Thursday I had a client event in the evening at one of the rooftops with the best cathedral view in the city - just as I was about to leave the office with two colleagues who were also attending, a (difficult) client of mine called screaming and threatening to sue the firm. Long story short, legal department (not mine) has made a mistake in sharing information, and client now wants their heads on a tray. Which is not something I can offer. I apologized profusely, called legal and ask them to deal with the mess. Fast forward to Friday morning 7h30AM (after a relevant number of gin tonics on Thursday night I shall add) client was already calling me, screaming, even more enraged than the previous night. Among other things I heard "we're going to sue everyone in the firm" "we're going to drag you in the dirt" "we will destroy your reputation" and much more. I took about 20 minutes and then calmly said "Look, I do understand you are furious and rightly so, I apologize again and I'm trying to work to fix this. At the same time, you've been working with me for over a year, and you always noted how good and professional my team was. Now as much as I understand your position, please try and also see mine: it's another team and another partner that made a mistake, and I'm taking all your frustration". He calmed a little but reinstated he wants this to escalate.

It was not a great day.

Mischief called me that night (he needed more help with his investment thing) and could see I was not in a very good place, he was nice at listening to what happened and trying to cheer me and shared some gossip from the US firm. I stayed away from any conversation about meeting each other or anything about the two of us, I was not calm enough to have this kind of conversation. I have also kind of decided to try and not be the one who initiates conversations - not sure I'll be capable to respect this decision, we'll see. I should also mention: he looked incredibly good. I kind of wanted to eat him. I think he just got a haircut, and he was tan and oh my God I wanted him. (at least I think I also looked good, I have a bit of tan, had my hair straightened and was wearing a shirt same color as my eyes)

I'm spending the weekend at the lake, trying to get a tan and spending some time with my parents. I drove here this morning, I put the car top down and just drove by the lake in the warm air and that was by far the best hour of the week. I normally hate driving but it felt good.

Weight update: yesterday I woke at 62.5kg - 138 pounds - BMI 21.5. But I may have been a but dehydrated, it's been consistently reaching 100F and Thursday night event was open air so...

Song for this post: "Disturbia" by Rihanna

Ad a pic of Thursday night - my arms are still big but overall I was not unhappy with the look

A big question, followed by a big silence

 Today I turn 44, which sounds unreal. I had a party at home last Friday night, and I must say I really felt loved and surrounded by friends. I know, most of these relationships stem from work, but the fact that people who stopped working with me years ago are still friends I see and talk to often and that they show they still care is somehow reassuring.

(my mother in my young years and then my husband always told me I have no friends and I never managed not to be hurt from their assessment).

The party went on from 7PM to midnight when I basically told the last few people it was time for them to go home, considering the amount of alcohol consumed :-)

Sunday I suggested that maybe husband and I could spend an extra half an hour in bed for some fun and was clearly met with a "no it's late I have to go to the gym and then I want to work a bit before lunch". ooooookay.

The rest of the weekend was spent tiding up, going to the gym, having lunch outside and working a bit - and talking to Maria who at least is going through phases now, sometimes she's obsessive and crying but sometimes seems to be more tranquil - and this is a big improvement from crying 24/7. I suspect I will probably have to talk to her every day at least until mid August when she gets to Italy but it's ok as long as she's making some progress. I wish I could convince her to seek professional help but she flatly refuses.

Mischief is.... I don't even know what to say. I ended texting my question and well, a big question was met by a big silence I would say. Well, that's not even true, I explained about the SF thing which blew up and something crazy that happened with a client and  wrote:

Me: "question is: if I happen to be in the US this summer/autumn, do you want to see me?"

Mischief: "That's crazy stuff. Yes call you Friday"

Then he disappeared, texted some random stuff yesterday and disappeared again.

Honestly I don't know. There are moments when I think I shall just tell him hey, let's meet in NY in a couple of weeks (he'll be there) and moments when I think "what the hell Lucy? the guy does not want you". The first kind of moments usually happen when I'm high from vaping.

I hate it when I cannot read a situation but I'm not sure if I cannot read it, or to quote my brother, if he's just not that into me. May be I just do not want to acknowledge the latter, but on one thing I trust my gut: I have never felt so alive in the past 20 years as I have with him, and I feel the same is true for him.

Weight: still stuck at 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. But after the drinking, the pizza, the meat of the weekend, I consider it a success. Now I have two weeks ahead of restriction.

On a different note, I want to fully enjoy this summer. I want to travel a bit, to spend more time outdoor, to get as tan as possible (I am a huge user of SFP 50 don't worry). My friends from university were organizing to meet in Helsinki and I immediately said yes (then plans got postponed to next summer because the one who lives farther away (Bangkok) broke his feet but my point is until last year I would have said "sounds lovely but no thanks". Now that I feel good again, I want to live.

Song for this post: "Spending my time" Roxette

Interlude - Maria

Foreword: this post may be triggering - it is not about weight loss, but mental illness, depression, loss and death of a pet (not mine) are unfortunately the main topics. Please do not read it if you think it may harm or hurt you.

 Maria is my friend from the French years (though she's Italian). 

I do not write a lot about her, but I'm sure I mentioned her many years ago here.

Over the years, I let her down, and trust me, not because I'm jealous. It's simply difficult. Time seems to never be enough, and it's often not easy to talk to her. Sometimes she can spend two consecutive hours on the phone going obsessively through details of something that feels irrelevant, and not even ask "and how are you my friend?". Her depression comes and goes, but the lows are low. Time has not made things easier for her, quite the opposite. With her condition, it has become more and more difficult for her to hold on to a job, so she's often unemployed and money is tight. 

Over the years, many of her friends have left Lyon, where she still lives, and she has grown apart from others, so she's also a bit lonely.

Recently we had spoken a few times, she had suggested a French novel on friendship between women that I absolutely adored and just last weekend she had some plans to go to a Capoeira workshop in the Alps with some nice people. She sounded better and I was so happy to hear her like this.

Then on Monday I got a text from her sister who was panicking that something had happened and Maria was going nuts.

Basically Maria has had a cat over the last 8 years, Maya, who had become her emotional support. Maria's flatmate left a window opened, and Maya jumped out chasing a bird and crushed badly on the street 3 floors down. They took her to the vet but there was nothing they could do.

I spent most of this week on the phone with her crying desperately and saying she no longer wants to live. It's been tough - it still is. On Monday and Tuesday I was extremely concerned. While I still am, I do feel she's a tiny bit more stable now, but it's really painful being so helpless when someone you love is hurting so badly.

Short weight update: 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. Slowly but steadily in the right direction.

Song for this post: "Joining you" by Alanis Morrissette

Cliffhanger

 It's a long weekend down here as Monday and Tuesday we have bank holiday.

The heat wave is incredible, given it's not even June, but I'm not complaining. I'm at the stage is life where I realize the number of summers I have ahead of me is finite. I love the long days, I usually wake upd before 6AM and I love that it's not dark.

Weight update: 65.1kg or 143.5lbs - BMI: 22.5.

Not where I want to be of course but at least it's progress.

Tomorrow we booked a day at a new SPA with lots of outdoor space and water, I really hope to tan a little, as I'm still pale and I love being tan. I'll use sunscreen don't worry! But I really love laying in the sun. We could not go to the seaside for the weekend, so I'm happy at least we're doing this.

Jay update: first of all, from now on (and backwards) let's change his name to Mischief.

After a couple days of internal debate (during which Mischief texted me frequently) I finally dropped a bomb text today (I assume he's still sleeping given time difference). It says:

"So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California"

Admittedly I'm kind of scared to see how he will react, as this will define a lot about the future of this dream I guess. I mean, this can literally be the end of it, but it has to be I'd rather end it now than spending 6 months watching it fade away.

Also I kind of hate when I give myself this kind of cliffhanger but it is what it is.

First day of summer

 Happy Memorial day to US readers!

 

Weight update:

I started this year at 75kg (165lbs, BMI: 26). Am currently at 66kg (145lbs, BMI: 22.8).

It would have been a 65 had I not been in Madrid last week (lus last Saturday - more below; however, Madrid was good. It was a meeting of the western Europe leadership for work, and everybody commented on how great I looked. At almost 44, this is still a trigger and I'm afraid I will not get better - I enjoy compliments.

 

 Tomorrow I am seeing the dietician - I was supposed to reach  65, but again, with three weeks of work-related travel, I feel it's still okay, but I'm keen to see if he will change the diet or not. I kind of hope not as I'm genuinely enjoying what I'm eating, but we'll see.

 

I have two goals that are so different from each other it's almost laughable. First one (I'm almost there): no chafing tights when I walk. I've been wearing shorts under dresses for so many years…. I think if I drop a couple more kg I will get there.

Second goal: I'd really like to get a 6pack again. I know, this is pure vanity but… I even have a few pcs from AFTER I got married where I sported a 6 pack. But I think I need to be max 55-56kg for this and it's a long way from where I am now so we'll see. I probably need an intermediate goal (first number to be a 5 - at 59kg I would be 130lbs or BMI 20.4).

 

I wrote that I'm fighting for my marriage to work - and I am. For the weekend I organized something: my team had gifted me a wine experience at Masi, a fine producer of Amarone in the North East of Italy, that involved a guided tour, wine tasting (5 wines) and lunch - so I booked and we went. I convinced husband to take the roof off the car (we have a small convertible) and it really was the first day of summer, we enjoyed the escapade a lot. Of course it was a disaster diet-wise, but at least I skipped dinner. There was also some sex on Sunday (but guess who got things started?).

 

Mischief called me on Friday night as he was heading to a show at the Sphere in Vegas and spent one hour on the phone. Half of it was in relation to some investment he wants to make and he asked if I could help him with this, which I'm happy to do. No he's not exploiting me - and he has helped me with getting insights and collabs with other West Coast people in our organization, which is not a given at all trust me.

 

A couple of pictures: first one was taken over our wine experience, and second in Madrid by a silly colleague

San Francisco part II

 "What? no! I mean, it's not that I don't like you, but I didn't have a plan or anything"

I stayed quiet and looked at him

"Why would you ask something like that?"

"Because I don't know your intentions"

"I don't - I - ..." (I am so mean that I smiled, it was good that for once he was the one stammering in a conversation) "I haven't thought about it this way, I just wanted to see you, I think about 24/7.." and then he quieted.

I stood up, took his hand and said "Let's go and walk. I didn't want to make you unease, I was genuinely curios of your motives and am too neurodivergent to figure". He smiled, held my hand and off we went walking. At this point of course he started making fun of me, and we were laughing all the way to the waterside. We got to one of the piers, close to the San Francisco - Oakland bay bridge, that was all alight in the dark, and suddenly we went quiet. I may have shivered (it was getting colder), he got his arm around me and leaned in to kiss me.

I whispered "Mischief you said.." and he backed off, saying "You are right. Let's go back". We walked back to our hotel and went to the bar and got a bottle of white wine and talked until after the bar closed, I think little after midnight. It was surprisingly not awkward, we talked about our spouses, his family, lots of things really. Then he said "I need some sleep ahead of tomorrow meeting" and we went to the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed, he kissed me and this time I could not back-off. He took me to his room and went on kissing me softly. Then suddenly he was backing off, and i said fine but walk me upstairs to my room. Of course he came in and we must have gone on kissing for another hour based on the watch although it seemed like 5 minutes

I have replayed this scene endlessly in my mind and the only way I have come to describe how I felt is: I felt I was sixteen years old again, minus the anxiety.

I said I was going to write the truth, so: at some point I peeled his hands off my ass and placed them on my boobs (braless, like 95% of the times these days - and to be honest, my boobs are my best asset after my hair) and I guess this was crossing an unseen line because he moaned and say "I must go now - call me for breakfast" and left. He texted me a minute later Goodnight (this is how I know it was almost 2 AM).

I think I just stood by the window in the same spot we were together, breathed and watch the bridge for a long moment. Eventually I washed my face, changed into my PJ, drank some water, set the alarm at 5h45AM and went to bed.

I got up that early as I had a videocall for a project at 7AM with an European client, so I did a bit of yoga, showered, washed my hair, braided it, got dressed, started the call, went through it like a champion (allow me this much guys), talked some more to my team in Europe, packed my stuff to be ready to leave later for my flights, and called Mischief who was clearly sleeping. 

I went downstair for breakfast and to my utter horror some of my colleagues were still there. At least I had told one of them that I was staying and meeting a friend! I got a table for two and then went to sit a bit with them while waiting for Mischief, who arrived ten minutes later and then we sat at our table. At least we did not arrive together!!

I was a bit shaky. I ordered yoghurt and granola and almost spit the first spoonful. My inner lower lip was throbbing, and later I realize it looked like a nightmare. I was puzzled, but did not really think much of it, except I was unable to eat anything. We went for a long walk and talked a bit, we even saw a coyote (America is full of wonders). There was a bit of an awkward moment when I slipped my arm in Mischief's and he stepped back saying sorry, I cannot be seen around holding arms, but I shrugged and we went on; Mischief was switching between how we were going to see each other again in the future for sure, and work topics, and then maybe we'll see each other in a year or so (my heart sank). Eventually we went back to the hotel, I got my stuff and started to wonder if he was going to say bye like this as if nothing happened. He walked to to the corner where my Uber was waiting and then hugged me super tight for like three minutes and then kissed me in the middle of the street. Eventually I got into my uber and off to the airport. This was on Thursday early afternoon west coast (night in Europe)

My lip was killing me...

I was dazed and shaky. he kept texting me until I was home in Milan (so basically non stop over the following 20 hours (my connection in Paris was delayed), although I slept a lot on the plane). I could not eat anything until Saturday morning, when luckily I had already scheduled a dentist appointment for a normal check up (I'm doing aligners these days), and then my dentist went on nailing me. She said "This is an allergic reaction, how come you ate something that gave you this and did not end up in ER?"

It suddenly dawned on me that Mischief had had shrimps (I end up into ER if I eat shellfish). I think I blushed a lot and made up some unconvincing story. She gave me a cortisone cream and cut off some tissue and made things better.

And this is it my friends. Mischief texts me and sometimes calls, I have been travelling to Lisbon and Madrid, and am finally back home. He should have called on Sunday night but I was home with husband and asked him not to, as last time I spoke to him my legs were shaking so bad I had to sit for 5 minutes after the call and this even my husband would notice.

Short weight update: I ate too much in Madrid and am now at 66kg (145lbs, or BMI 22.8). 

I'm sorry this post was so long, but I really wanted to spill everything and be done with telling the full story. I do not know where this leaves me, except that I am still fighting for my marriage to work. Mischief is a dream that I will never forget, but such dream lives 10 thousand miles away, and while I'd like to keep dreaming a little longer, I know I'll likely never see him again.

Song for this post: "Don't be so shy" by Imany. Check it out if you don't know it

Guess who’s back?

 Do I deserve your attention? Certainly not but you all know why ai am back.

Ok you do not know the exact trigger (but you already figured the situation) so let me share this.

In February I went on a work trip to the US and it was very interesting and also fun. I met some colleagues from other countries and even thought one fancied me. This is just to record I thought this, of course I didn’t care but I thought he was giving me the eye.

The week after that I had another work event in Europe and I was filmed for an interview. They shared the final cut today.

I look like a sea lion perched on a stool.

I shall also add that the interview was not at my peak weight which was 80kg last year (I dropped 6kg before the interview and 4 more since).

I have no idea how I thought anyone could possibly fancy me.

I am fucking horrified. My mother, bless her, is right. She, incidentally, has lost further weight after a knee surgery and is now 45kg.

The worst part is you wouldn’t believe how much training I am doing.

At this point t I shall just stop eating but I also thought it was time to come back to the place that always helped me. 

I missed you lovelies

overwhelmed

I just..

I don't know

I can't keep up with this anymore



Been working over the last three weekends in addition to full week.

70 hours this week and it's only Saturday (Italian week goes from Monday to Sunday)



I never have time to eat - I end up fasting without even wanting it. This is very triggering. I'm not even hungry anymore. I just have a constant headache. Been having it for 10days now.



I drink fresh grapefruit juice at aperitivo and avoid eating.



I blurted out to a close friend (who is skinny and not pro-ana, Lord bless her): "I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to stop eating entirely."



Over the past week I usually had milk and cereals at breakfast, and sometimes a boiled egg for dinner. I also once ate 15gr of parmesan cheese, and one 0%fat, no sweeteners greek yoghurt.



(Sie kommen zu euch in der Nacht, Demonen (...) Schwartze Feen)



at least BMI is finally below 20.

I hate my German client. I hate him on so many levels I have a hard time restraining myself from insulting him in German all the time.

(insulting in German is so liberating)

I am despicable.

Mein Herz bMein Hertx brennt rennt!!!!







Now dear kids

listen carefully

I'm the voice from under the pillow

I brought something along

(...)

with this very heart I did it (...)

I'll sing 'till day breaks

A burning star from the sparkling firmament





I am so in love with Stefano, and yet I can't help my fear that thing may not work.He was away last week, now he's back. If he figures out I'm not eating, things may get out of control.



I don't wanna go back to eating

I just don't

Ishould have stayed in Crete

Back to reality, work hits hard on me
At this precise moment my promotion is being discussed. I should have an unofficial answer by the end of the day.
I feel like puking.

In the meanwhile, my main sponsor at work told me how at Partner's meeting, a Partner said "Yeah, but the fact she married S is bound to be a problem. Eventually, we'll have to chose him instead of her, and she's gonna have a bad influence on him"
Seriously?
1. we are not the only married couple in this office and were not the first. we don't work on same projects. there is no fucking problem.
2. besides, this is unfair on so many levels, I don't even want to start sorting them out

this in a company where last month was dedicated to Diversity celebration.

fuck you assholes.

weightwise, things are slow as fuck but at least going in the right direction.
127.4lbs this morning (57.8kg). BMI 20.2

In my secret life

For the first time in the year, woke up at 128.7lbs (58.4kg). 12 lbs gone from January first. BMI from 22.3 to 20.4.

Everybody's commenting on how I look skinnier.

I'm not asking for impossible things: I'd simply like to reach 55kg. C'mon guys, that's a 19.3 BMI. It's still fat, but... It would mean a lot to me.
can I be slim already? pretty please?

In the meanwhile, my best friend ever, who moved back to NYC last summer, called to say she's coming to visit end of May.
Oh, I was so excited! So happy.

Then I founf out she's actually going to Spain with another friend, and afterwards squatting at my place for a couple of days. To Spain, I'm not invited.
This is enough rejection to stop eating until she flies in end of May

Gah

small steps are okay.

but I'm starving and yet still 133.2lbs / BMI 21.1 (that would be 60.4kg)

run, run, run