30 March 2012

In the rut

Allergie are killing me. I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't stay away, I just keep coughing.

BMI: 20.8

Even the dietologist is unhappy with me.
I am most unhappy with myself.

Can I go to sleep and wake up in three months? please?

I need to stop eating.

23 March 2012

Out of the blue

BMI 20.9


Yet, the doctor complimented me so much because apparently I keep loosing fat and building muscles. It is true I'm training a lot, but honestly?
I want to see 120
(and then 110)
(and then 100)

But I guess it's better than nothing.

And then I went home this afternoon, to spend the weekend with the Parents.
And then, the sponsor (aka dad), out of the blue, said "You're really fit now, totally in good shape".

And that, my darlings, made my day.

(just to make Parents place safe, I bought an incredible amount of safe food (no carbs, no fat). Hopefully I can survive the weekend without ruining everything).

Spring has come lovelies. Time to get ready for that bikini you just saw while window shopping. You can do it!

19 March 2012


On Saturday morning Steve had to see is brothers and dropped me off at a mall.
BIG MISTAKE: I practically burnt my american express.
I didn't really buy clothes, because I felt bloated, but I got a scarf

some lingerie from Tezenis (girls, check out the new extra padded bra collection! I've been somewhere between a cup B and C for my whole adult life, but that thing is AMAZING!!), books, socks for Steve, and some lipstick...

Saturday night was good, I got plenty of compliments on my black dress (since it's low cut, the new bra was amazing!) but of course I ate way too much over the weekend. This week should finally be a little less demanding at work, so I'm planning some detox diet and a lot of gym (I started on the good way by hitting the gyum this morning).

How are you lovelies? I hope you all have a good week!

15 March 2012

Slightly better

Past the mirror, this is a no-return mission. Further away than the stars, the destination may be in a different galaxy, where people live loving themselves for what they are, and never hating what they'll never achieve.

And there, there may be suns and flowers, peace rituals and no differences. Same things and different shapes, so far away there are planets where things don't drive you mad.

PS. I managed to plant my Japanese cherry with Steve's help. A bonsai wouldn't do: it's already 1 meter tall!
Work is still very bad, and I'm attending a party on Saturday night. Little black dress I guess (although I'm way to fat to wear it). The chick who's throwing the party has lost 22kg last year. Granted, she's still fatter than I am, but she's doing amazingly good. I'll only eat and drink whatever she eats/drinks.

13 March 2012


I bought a new tree for my balcony.
A Japanese cherry tree, the kind that makes so many flowers in spring.
The dietologist gave me a detox 3 days diet.

All I've asked was to leave work at 6.30, for once, because my tree was delivered today. And I needed to shop for my detox diet.

My tree will probably die, because I won't be able to plant it.
My diet, let's forget about it.

Because I won't leave work before midnight.

I really need t go to the toilet and cry a little.

12 March 2012

Longing for something different

The work trip to Germany represented all I want to stay away from: beer, fat food, carbs and lots of sexism.

Last night I had a nightmare, in which Steve dumped me calling me a fat cow. Steve, in the real world, thinks I am thin (how silly and lovely he can be).

Over last weekend, surrounded by spring at the lake, everything seemed achievable.
Driving towards the city's smog on Sunday night, melancholy came back inevitably. I can't stand this life anymore, and yet I can't seem to move forward. I want so badly to get married, and yet, I wonder when did I become so desperate about this?

I am planning next journey to Nepal, October 2012. Will I be strong enough to come back from there? I long for a life spent walking in the trees, crossing mountains, with only basic food and no temptations, where pleasure is achieved by laying in sun reading a book or stepping into a warm water spring to wash away the dirt from your skin.
Gokyo lakes, Cho La, Kala Pattar, the mystical Tengboche. Skinny boys and girls wearing the monks red robes.

I'll try fasting over a couple of days, maybe it will smooth my edgy feelings.

06 March 2012

There is a job.

Like no job on Earth.
A job full of wonder, mystery, and danger!
Some say to survive it
You need to be as mad as a hatter.
Which luckily I am.

Or maybe, on second thought, I am not.

I have been living on sandwiches at some random desk at work for 14 days. How am I supposed to get skinny? People won't let me in peace and skip meals. I take the ham and the cheese out of the sandwiches, and I end up eating bread and salad, but hello? bread is not okay.

(by the way, I love it when the MAd Hatter says "Why are you always of the wrong size?")