A long December

 One more drink he said,

and baby you got me tripping

though we're face to face

'bout to do it again, again, again and again

One more drink she said

I think I'm losing my head now

tonight we'll make

bad memories

(Meduza, Bad memories)

Last night there was the annual Christmas party, and no I did not attend. I have 0 intentions to attend a no-mask event with 2500+ people bumping into each other - meaning, I have 0 intentions to spoend Christmas break with covid.

Additionally, more than half of my time feels the same way about it, and this is lucky for me (as the only thing nearly as bad as getting covid would be having half of the team down with covid and needing to cover for them, which already happened in the past..)

Besides that, things are mostly okay, although we finally had to put down the black cat at my parents' place (the one who lived with us in 2020 during the lock downs). He had cancer and had gotten to a point that he was suffering so it was the right thing to do - yet a sad affair. That cat gave a lot of emotional support to husband when his dad passed during the first lock down in spring 2020. We will always remember him fondly.

Loki instead is doing well, growing up (I think he's going to be a big cat, my boy!). He's a very loyal cat, always running to me whenever I come home, wanting to be petted for a while, purring and so on. We're trying to potty-train him and, although it's a slow process, I think it's going well - we also spent two days with him at my parents' place and two at my sister in law's last week, and he behaved super well.

Blogging has been slow as I have a lot going on but it's some work related matters I can't really write about so, it is what it is. I'm confident there'll e enough family drama over Christmas to make for a good post or two :-)

Loki

I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

If you should ask then maybe they'd
Tell you what I would say
True colors fly in blue and black
Bruised silken sky and burning flag
Colors crash, collide in bloodshot eyes

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
If I could, you know I would, if I could, I would
Let it go

(Bad, U2)

How long have I been listening to this song? Must be 20 years at least.

I'm actually quite happy. Not about my weight, nor my looks, nor my back which aches like hell 25 days a month.

But overall, I am happy. I believe that the new family member has a good deal to do with it, despite the trouble of scooping up all his poop.

Meet Loki, the Brad Pitt of cats)

He is still very scared of being outdoor, but I keep trying and he's starting to be more comfortable as long as he can stay on my shoulder or in my arms. Hopefully we can train him to feel safe in a backpack where he can peek out.

On top, we're having a lovely autumn with long and dry days, pleasant temperature outside. My team is doing great at work and I always have a good time with them. This pretty much carries through work on a daily basis.

So the only thing is, I'm still fat.

Random things from vacation

 For the first time in the last 5 years or so, we managed to spend amazing vacation without work bothering us. And we had such a great time!

We spent three days in Bourgogne, visiting around some historical sites (Cluny and Beaune mostly) and relaxing by the pool and drinking fabulous wine. I had booked a room in this place, which turned out to be awesome

Then we went to Amorgos, my dream island. Although it's quite different in August with the summer crowd, it was still awesome and lovely. One day a local fisherman took us to a uninhabited small island and we managed to spend the day alone and naked at a beach, laying in sun, snorkeling and reading. What an amazing time!

We're back at work, but honestly we both feel so.. recharged if that makes sense!

Finally, Husband went on all summer saying that he really really wants a cat, so we're going to go and chose it on Saturday and then it will come home with us at the end of September once it's old enough. We're picking one from a litter of Siberians, they's mostly white although some have a grayish tail. I'm so excited about this!

Wishful thinking

 When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to be a boy (only one person in the world wanted that more than I did - my mother). Since that was not going to happen, I desperately wanted to be tall and boyish. At 14 I got a boy haircut (which did NOT suit me). I was severely underweight, but I wanted to be tall to be able to ride my brother's enduro motorbike.

I ended up being a tall woman (at least for Italian standards). Years went by and I also ended up being a fat woman.

And funnily, I now wish I was shorter, smaller, petite. I am so jealous of my short friends who, even when they get fat (they usually don't), have such little weight to carry around.

I still wish I was born as a boy.

Amorgos

 "Can we go to Amorgos for a week?"

I am ashamed to say that I've probably asked this question at least once a week over the past two years and a half.

"When would you want to go?" - wait - this is an opening. I think about an answer that would make sense, something that is actually doable.

"Last week of August - the crowds will have left by then, and days are not too short yet"

"Fine, let's do it"

Before her can change his mind I grab my ipad and within 5 minutes I have booked the flight to Mykonos, the fast boat that luck has placed at the perfect time from Mykonos to Amorgos, and the small place they were still building last time we've been there, a small house right on a small cliff by the sea that has private stone steps leading down to the water and a patio right above.

The place I dream to own, the island where I dream to get old and spend the rest of my life.

Amorgos, the dream of The big blue (but I'm sorry lovelies, English is not enough to render Le Grand Bleu, and even if you had seen the French cult movie, you would have seen the silly American version which was changed from the original as the French one lacked a happy ending, and was stripped of half of the poetry in the process).

Amorgos, where the blue is so deep that the sky seems dark. The island that Homer already deemed dry, I've never been so late in the summer: will there be any green left, any water trickling in the valleys? The golden steps of Panagia Hozoviotissa will be there for sure, unchanged.

Will I be able to come back?

Wake up call

 This was an accident,

not the kind where sirens sound

never even noticed

we're suddenly crumbling

(show me love, t.A.T.u.)

While we were planning a summer roadtrip that involves visiting some top French wine caves in the Burgundy region, chateaux, middle age towns, kayaking down the Ardèche canyon and relaxing by Lake Annecy, driving around lazily, and then...

Husband suddenly proposed to do a week of diet retreat. He actually sent me the link of a sick place where instead of giving you food they give you an IV with fluids and nutrients. (for the modest price of fucking 5k Euros per person, per week).

Besides the obvious fact that I'd rather shut myself in at home without food for a week rather than flushing money down the toilet like this, the simple think he is considering this kind of plan triggers some huge warnings.

I need to lose weight ASAP. Let' face it - my parents can barely look me in the eyes and are basically ashamed of being around with me. Husband enquires about sick places that are meant for old rich fat people that wannabe anorexic. Do I need any more suggestions?

When T.A.T.U. were famous, no one ever focused much on Lena Katina, even though she was the real voice of the duo. She was probably a normal weight, but she was the fat one of the duo and eye were all over skinny Julia Volkova, the hot skinny bitch.

strange times

 As summer advances, and we've now had more than 34° pretty much every day for the last two months, reaching easily 36° most days (93 - 97 F), we live more and more in a strange situation.

America shows its biceps, but the reality is that all the guns that have been sent to Ukraine will slowly but steadily trickle into the hands of bad people (not bcs they are Ukraniana, but because any country has bad people, and bad people know how to take advantage of available weapons), and will slowly but steadily trickle to Western Europe.

Nobody would ever go to war against Russia - after all, didn't we all read War & Peace, and Vasilij Grossman's Stalingrad? (if you haven't, do read Vasilij Grossman - it's an awesome book and it really explains Russia). Granted, I despise this war, but only an idiot would believe that Europe would benefit from a war against Russia. 

Russia is one of the countries where women were treated equally decades before Europe started doing so. It was probably one of the best part of communism. Meanwhile, the US are banning abortion.

Last month I attended a conference in Barcelona where a famous economist explained why he was against the European Union, the Euro currency and so on. As it was a Western Europe work event for partners, the audience was your typical white manel. The economist said a lot of interesting and smart things and then over the Q&A everybody rushed to agree with him. Then I raised my hand and asked "I understand the importance of economies and KPIs, but I think there is more to it. What about the possibility of easily having all these people from different countries in this same room? What about how easy it is for young people to travel across Europe this days, to study or work abroad getting to know a different culture? What about the fact that we're enjoyed peace since 1945, sadly not across all Europe, but at least in the European Union, including when the Wall in Berlin went down?"

They said I was talking poetry, but I still believe the European Union represents one of the greatest achievements of the Western culture. It is far from perfect, but it's beautiful in its imperfection. I am somehow more concerned by the warmer summers and the lack of water then by Russia and America.

Surprise!

 Last Thursday evening, there was the leaving party of one of my work lieutenants, and as you can imagine I drank a bit too much - not awfully so, but wine was not top quality and thanks to my allergies I woke up in the morning to find some bumps on my face (that luckily disappeared well before noon).

On Friday evening, there was Husband's work summer party. I almost bailed, as I was really tired, but then, it was really close to my office so at 7h30PM I signed off and decided to stop by to say hi to a few friends. And luckily I did...

... because it was actually a surprise birthday party for me!

(yes, truly yours is turning 40 this week)

I always wanted a surprise birthday party.. and never had one before! Husband pulled together a surprising number of people (supported by Matt, my work best friend) and I was truly moved by the fact that some actually drove from far to attend, especially on a very warm Friday night.

In short.. it was awesome, and I really felt loved!

Coming soon on "Waiting for the Miracle": my 16yo nephew temporarily moved in with us as today he's starting his summer internship!

tired

 Things are mostly okayish.

I'm working so hard I don't really have time to feel tired. I almost freaked out during the 3 days in Corfù with Mom - she has become so high maintenance... and sometimes I cannot stand her way of being tight with money. I'm not a big money waster frankly, but I do not see the point in saving 50 Euros if it means taking a bus with no AC that will take 2 hours (plus one extra waiting hours) when I can afford an Uber that will make me save 2 hours and a half. Time has become precious.

These days, I'm usually waking up around 5h30 in the morning (though my alarm is set at 6). I manage emails received overnight, water all the plants (I really have many, and since weather is so warm where I live, this takes some time), tidy up a bit the house and by 6 I'm back in bed with breakfast for myself and Husband. 30 minutes and we get up, we get ready and by 6.50 I'm in the gym. by 7h40 I'm back but I cannot seem to manage showering, untangling my hair and getting ready in less than 40 minutes (Lord knows I tried). This mean I'm not at work before 8h45, and then.... it's work until 8h30 PM these days, run home, eat a bite, manage some more work emails and go to bed.

It would be okay honestly, except that I'm spending also 5 to 10 hours working in weekends. Weekends are spent working, at the gym, sleeping, cleaning the hamster tank and fixing food, eating and drinking.

Luckily, busy season will relent in a month or so.

Weight wise, I usually lose 2.5kg from Monday morning to Friday morning (c.5.5lbs) and gain back most of it over the weekend

Something broken

 When I saw my husband name on the phone screen at 2AM, my heart sank. I was in Barcelona for a corporate event, and had wisely left the team at the disco at 1h30 in the morning to get back to the hotel and get some sleep.

I picked up and all my fears were confirmed. He was high, did not know where he was and tried to articulate "can you come and pick me up?". Clearly, I could not, and he had absolutely no clue of his whereabouts.

One hour of meditation later I managed to fall asleep. I told myself he was going to make it home like many other times. I tried very hard not to think about the time he made it home with a broken arm, an injured feet, broken glasses, a black eye and a huge cut on his hand. At least now he no longer wear glasses. Needless to say, it was not a restful night.

I made it home on the next evening, and found him with a huge violet mark on half of his face a two twisted fingers.

The last time something of the kind happened was this, and the worst time (mentioned above, when he broke his arm etc etc) never made it to this blog as I've tried very hard to erase it from my mind. And that does not include the time the police wanted to talk to him as they were arresting a dealer and wanted to know how much and how many times and what exactly he had purchased. And the time I was in New York (for work) and his friends had to bring him back to his parents place as he was shit faced and had lost the keys to go home. And the time he spent one year without a driving license for DUI (although admittedly he stopped driving if he's drunk anything, even one glass of beer, and that happened before we got together).

The point is, I have a hard time making him stop when I'm with him when he's past his limit, but when I'm away there is no way of knowing the amount of trouble he'll get in. And frankly, this is not fair on me.

I do not really know what to do, but I can't take this shit any longer. And clearly, the idea of having a baby has gone down the drain. I've been in so much pain (back, knee and mouth hurt like hell whenever I have periods), that at this point I'm taking an appointment asap to have a brand new Nexplanon  inserted in my arm. He has not fed the hamster in 3 days I was away, how could he be responsible for a baby? (The hamster is fine - I had left it dried food and water enough - but it does not really like dried food and prefers to have fruits, or salad, cheese etc).

I knew I married an alcoholic, I knew it back then. What really worries me is that I do still love him, but something has broken this time and I do not think it can be fixed.

Overwhelmed

 well the title says it all I guess.

We left Italy on a Friday morning, and as typical, I got my period (since the period know when you have a 11+ hours flight), and it was a bad one, with an horrible backache and all joints (and the damn knee) aching for days.

Miami beach was full of springbreakers, something I would have loved 20 years ago, but I would much rather have enjoyed quiet. Actually the crowds were so bad and unruly the police enforced a curfew, resulting in police sirens and megaphones all night long.

The beach and the parks were really beautiful and the weather amazing. It would have been perfect, had I not been in almost too much pain to walk. Meanwhile, phone conversations with the family were full of cute comments such as "Are you really going to the beach? you are too fat to wear a bikini" and other lovely comments of the kind.

Orlando was nice, although, predictably, I got sick - I take it as a miracle that I did not get covid (2k people in closed spaces with no masks - insane), but the constant swing between hot wet weather outside and AC indoors is a killer for me. The even was beautiful, we had a private night opening of Universal Studios and a lovely evening at a golf place, with a DJ set, fireworks, amazing food and booze etc.

Meanwhile every single pic sent to the family whatsapp chat (such as the one above, in the new dress) resulted in more sneaky comments.

We got back. got tested (negative), and the first thing my father told me on the phone was I need to go on a diet. Cool huh?

On Monday I went to Tuscany for a Partners meeting. The place was lovely (see pics). I did make a mistake in sending a text to the family chat along the lines of "having a vertical tasting of Brunello di Montalcino right now, so not coming home LOL". The reply frtom my father was "You're not coming home because you won't fit through the door".

Frankly, I'm done. I've had enough. For the first 20 years of my life everyone had to stress out that I was not eating enough and that I was such a nuisance for not eating. Then 20 years of telling me I'm too fat. 

I'm fed up - hello, I do see mirrors, and I do own a scale. Just fuck off. No more phone calls from me.

a conversation with the Panther

 The trip to Florida is in a week, and then in May I have a work event in Barcelona and my sister in law wedding.

I needed a dress that fit and the Panther (mom) needed a break from her daily shenanigans, so she came to Milan last Friday. We went to see an exhibition featuring Marc Chagall drawings, and then shopping. I had already in my mind to buy the same model as the dress below, in an acquamarine color (and in a different size).

"You are not going to wear that right?"

"uh yes, why?"

"your arms are too fat"

"Mom - this is a size 8 and I do not even have to pull by belly in to zip it - I don't think it's necessary to make dramas"

"I still don't think you should wear it - and it doesn't make sense to buy it, why don't you just wear the old one?"

"Because the old one (size 4) does not fit any longer - I would need to drop 15kg (33lbs). And Florida is next week and the wedding is on May 15"

"Well I think you can lose 15 kilos in two months"

"Mom are you kidding me? If I lost 15kg while working in 8 weeks, I would die or worse".

Below the original dress, worn at a wedding in Portugal in summer 2017

I cringe at the thought I felt fat. I was not skinny, but compared to now I was a fucking goddess.

not a huge deal?

 Today is one of those day when I feel like hey, it' not a huge deal. Granted, I've let myself become overweight, but now I'm taking the matter into my hands and drop the weight. I've done it in the past and I will do it again. Hell, I've heard that even eminem got to 100kg at some point and then dropped the weight, and he's 10 years older than I am after all.

The problem in this is always that I tend to have this optimistic feelings only right after breakfast. The will may last for a few days, but to lose the weight I have gained it would take months.

and yet, sometimes I see a reflection in a mirror with the corner of my eye, and it still catches me by surprise to see I'm fat. 

in my dreams I'm always skinny, just like I used to be. I'm not always young, but I'm always skinny - I'll never get over this

All my life I've been waiting

for you to bring a fairytale my way

but living in a fantasy without meaning..

..it's not okay, I don't feel safe

(Anastacia)

I hate the way you lie

 Two things I'm so tired of.

Watching Husband that keeps smoking and smoking and the daily drinking. Even worse, knowing how, each time I'm not there, he'll completely drop limits and get wasted.

(by the way, who the hell still smokes in 2022???)

The times he start mansplaining things or even worse tells me I know shit and dismisses what I'm talking about.

This morning I'm so pissed off I may even restrict eating for a while.

But you'll always be my hero, even thought you've lost your mind (...)

..in this tug of war you'll always win, even when I'm right

I miss Eminem

Random thoughts

 The level of pollution is so high that I'll have to manually clean the leaves of the evergreen trees/plants I have on my terraces over next weekend. I assumed there was something wrong because they were all so spotted with dark freckles, but I thought it was a fungus or some mistake from me (over/underwatering). Instead, it's simply smog.

Disgusting, but not unexpected in the end: it has barely rained from the beginning of the year, and pollution is always very high in this region during winter.

On a different note, I have started studying modern Greek a while ago, but I never expected it would be this difficult. I ended buying a notebook like the ones used by kids to teach them writing, as my writing of the Greek alphabet is so bad that I have trouble myself distinguishing the letters I have written. And the trouble is that for me, looking at a written word, works best in remembering the sound and the meaning. This is strange and weird because the same was true when I moved to France and learnt French: I need to see the written word to really learn it, and still I have a hard time writing. Even today, reading or speaking Italian or French is the same for me, but I can only type in French with a software that corrects me (like Word). With pen and paper, the result is a disaster - go figure...

Halftime show

 I'm pretty much ashamed of my chain of thoughts:

1- wow, Mary J Blige has got as fat as I have

2- and she is sporting an incredible outfit - it would also look good if she was 45lbs lighter

3- look at 50 cents, he still looks exactly the same after all those years - his arms are huuuuge!

4- why is Eminem crouching?= ah yes, the platform's going down, he probably feels sick (I am really sorry - only later I read the comments and understood the meaning behind the pose)

5- even the dancers behind Mary J are fat - this is really becoming inclusive and it's probably a good thing

In any case, friends, please all hail the miracles that NFL and American TV put together - European sports are a plain bore with no entertainment at all and the amount of effort and planning behind the SuperBowl shows is really incredible (although my favorite ever remains the one with Lady Gaga - who by the way is still skinny)

Pics

For the sake of clarity, my husband's sunglasses were purchased as a joke :-D
 

Back

 Granny passed when we were away, after lapsing in a coma for a couple days. It was expected, but I regret not being there to help my Mom organize things and just not being there for her.

I haven't been at the Parents place yet, as I was too afraid of bringing Covid home (the Malé airport was a jungle of thousands people in a room, most of them refusing to wear properly a mask).

A part from that, we had a good time, we managed not to spend too much time working, got a tan, went snorkeling several times, ate delicious food, made love and so on.

Pictures soon

a daytrip that was easier than expected

 A family friend had dinner with the Parents on New Year's Eve, and texted me on the following day. I asked her how did she think my Mom was faring, and  the answer was not that well.

Between that and the fact that they're starting to reinforce lockdown measures today, I decided for a day trip at the lake yesterday, and drove there in the morning.

I don't know what I was expecting, but perhaps I did the right thing? Mother as happy to get to spend a couple hours with me, she vented about Granny live-in aid (as she always does), but overall she seemed happy to see me. We went together to see Granny, who has no clue of who I am, but was a bit more lucid than usual, and at some point emerged from her torpor and told my Mom "thank you for taking care of me, you are so good". This meant a lot to Mom, and with all the effort she's putting in taking care of Granny, I was so happy she got this at least.

So overall, it was tiring, but I'm happy I went.

Tomorrow we're getting the PCR Covid test (necessary to go to Maldives) - we both took a quick test yesterday (negative) so hopefully it should be okay... but you never really know, more than half of the people I know with 3 doses are still positive... fingers crossed!