a conversation with the Panther

 The trip to Florida is in a week, and then in May I have a work event in Barcelona and my sister in law wedding.

I needed a dress that fit and the Panther (mom) needed a break from her daily shenanigans, so she came to Milan last Friday. We went to see an exhibition featuring Marc Chagall drawings, and then shopping. I had already in my mind to buy the same model as the dress below, in an acquamarine color (and in a different size).

"You are not going to wear that right?"

"uh yes, why?"

"your arms are too fat"

"Mom - this is a size 8 and I do not even have to pull by belly in to zip it - I don't think it's necessary to make dramas"

"I still don't think you should wear it - and it doesn't make sense to buy it, why don't you just wear the old one?"

"Because the old one (size 4) does not fit any longer - I would need to drop 15kg (33lbs). And Florida is next week and the wedding is on May 15"

"Well I think you can lose 15 kilos in two months"

"Mom are you kidding me? If I lost 15kg while working in 8 weeks, I would die or worse".

Below the original dress, worn at a wedding in Portugal in summer 2017

I cringe at the thought I felt fat. I was not skinny, but compared to now I was a fucking goddess.

Earthquake

I step in to the dressing room and strip off my trousers.

It's not simply warm, it's hot. This summer is taxing all of us in this hot, sticky city. I used to love that at night the cold never came during the summer month, and I could simply spend hours hanging out in denim shorts or in a nice short dress, revealing my lean, long legs.
I come from the Alps, and I used to think that it's not late until it gets cold, so when I moved here, 18 years old and 110 pounds, with a BMI barely touching 17.5, I loved that part.
It's true that climate has changed since then, and now we have 38° (100.4F) at 7PM.

My whole body is breaking a sweat, which is not strange as I decided again to walk the 4km from work to home in this temperature - then again, this helps shaking off the stress from the day (and, a little nagging voice adds in my mind, it only helps minimally with the carbs I gorged at lunch).
I feel strange and suddenly I wonder if a minor earthquake is happening (that's not so uncommon here, and nothing to worry about). But no one seems to notice in the shop, so I grab the size 4 trousers I have to try on and finally realize my legs are shaking.

I sit down and think if I walked too much in the heat or something. I take a big breath and no, my blood pressure is not low. It's anxiety. It's anxiety that I may not fit in a fucking pair of what we call size 42.
I'm fucking 35 years old.
And I stumble in fear that a stupid pair of trousers I don't even like may not fit. And I'm not even in public. I need to get hold of myself.

Shopping

While still overworked, I did go and try some bridal gowns last weekends.

Before I even walked into the bridal store, I bought these on sale

While it's true I'm supposed to save money right now, I spend an awful lot of time in random meeting with clients, and a girl cannot always wear the same thing right?

Then I moved to the place I was supposed to go, with this chick who works with me: she's engaged, but her mom lives in Mexico, so cannot come to Milan to go shopping with her, then I offered to do it together.

Downside: she turned out to be far skinnier then me.

Upside: we tried completely different gowns, so at least the comparison was not so mortifying.

This is the one I prefer so far. I know girls, it's short. I'm not blind. Long dress simply don't suit me.

Shopping!

On Saturday morning Steve had to see is brothers and dropped me off at a mall.
BIG MISTAKE: I practically burnt my american express.
I didn't really buy clothes, because I felt bloated, but I got a scarf



some lingerie from Tezenis (girls, check out the new extra padded bra collection! I've been somewhere between a cup B and C for my whole adult life, but that thing is AMAZING!!), books, socks for Steve, and some lipstick...

Saturday night was good, I got plenty of compliments on my black dress (since it's low cut, the new bra was amazing!) but of course I ate way too much over the weekend. This week should finally be a little less demanding at work, so I'm planning some detox diet and a lot of gym (I started on the good way by hitting the gyum this morning).

How are you lovelies? I hope you all have a good week!