09 November 2015

Letter to the skinny girl I used to be

Hello, it's me, I was wondering
If after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal, yeah
But I ain't done much healing (only fattening)

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million pounds

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry, for falling apart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

19 August 2015


After years of living with me, the Husband decided to start dieting and to dive into fitness. He wants a six pack. He does train with me.
Our current schedule:
we started Jillian Michaels 30 days shred (again, for me, but it's his first time)
we run about 15-20km per week, over 2-3 sessions
he cut un alcohol (for me, there was literaly nothing to cut on in the alcohol department)
we're trying to eat healthier.

Let's see where this goes.

01 August 2015


weekend in NYC with my girlfriends, on my way to a project in Florida.
I'm fucking fat

17 June 2015


Dear eating disease

Right from the start,
you were a thief
you stole my heart

And I, your willing victime

I let you see the parts of me
that weren't all that pretty (my legs, oh my legs!)
with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep
things you never say to me
tell me that you've had enough of our love

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again

Deep down, dear ED, I know you did not fail me; It is I who failed. But we'll come clean.

15 June 2015


I quit everything but don't take it personally
I had to go, I was no longer myself
I fell so low, no one sees me anymore
I fell into anonimity
I'd like to come back, but I can't seem to
I'd love to come back
I'm here -  I'm no-one
My sadness is my ray
One single teardrop is my prison

It's an SOS
I'm hurt, I'm hurting
Wait I'm in difficulties
Is there anyone?

18 May 2015

The saddest thing

.. is not when a blogger of the blogorexia drops out.
The saddest thing is when his/her blog turns into a spam thing about food/movies on streaming 7whatever junk that pollutes your blog feed until you cancel them from your reading list and you'll never know it they'll ever be back.
Marcus, I still miss you. It's been years since you last blogged, but you are one who really and truly inspired me. I do hope you are doing well and hopefully you dropped off because you are happy.

11 May 2015

Lucy Shadow's weekend

the weekend:
binge binge binge run purge binge binge run purge binge binge binge run purge binge binge run purge binge binge binge run purge binge binge run purge binge binge binge run purge binge binge run purge

06 May 2015

Dear darling

How about me enjoying the moment for once?

Those weeks resolved into working (90%), running (8%, did 21km on Sunday) and cocaine (2%).

My self hurting is derailing - under my (still) thick mane of hair, by scalp is bleeding in dozens of places. Fuck me.

In the meanwhile, I'm finally (although barely) below 125lbs.
I really need to get to 120 lbs before I go to Greece (hence in 20 days).

the rest doesn't matter.

No wonder they tell me I look pale

22 April 2015

I'm on fire

All I need to do, is keep on not eating.

And I'll get there

I'll be happier

Things are ..

I don't know

I worked 32 hours in two days

Skipped many meals and lost a lot of weight

A lot more needs to go

But my abs are kinda showing for the first time in ages

And this feels so fucking good I just want more and more

It's like my ED is singing into my ears

Hey little girl is your daddy home?
Did he go away and leave you all alone?
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire

Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
Can he do to you the things that I can do?
I can take you higher
I'm on fire

Sometimes, it's like someone took a knife, baby
Edgy and dull, and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I'm on fire

13 April 2015

so exhausted

I know I always write the same things
But they do get worse
My job was already incredibly demanding. Now, a lot of people left (mostly at the same level my husband and I are, which is right below partners), and we really are overdoing it. We both work in a ballpark range of 65-80 hours a week. We are at 8AM in the office, and never leave before 9PM, sometimes after 10.30PM. Lunch is a long forgotten thing, we have a salad/sandwich delivered. Weekends? We call ourselves lucky when we get a single day off. Two is a long forgotten thing.
I'm so exhausted...

On good news, at the relay marathon yesterday, I ran 11.6km in 58'11''.
Which means 5'10'' per km (or 8'05'' per mile).
Which, is by far my personal best.
However, I'm still fat.

01 April 2015

127.4lbs is my lowest weight so far in 2015.
It's really depressing.

30 March 2015

19 March 2015


Sometimes I think I could stop this struggle and just accept the reality, meaning the current weight, accepting I'll never be skinny again
and then in dawns of me I gave up the hope of getting skinny, I'd be giving up the hope for happiness.

And this is so sad, it brings tears to my eyes.

I need to spend more time with my husband

Right now my life seems to consist purely of work, work frustration, restricting, training, bingeing, work...

And now my friends, after 12 solid hours of work, I'll go home to train with Jillian Michaels (my hero)

12 March 2015

everything's awesome

76 days to summer vacation

Liberally quoting from an Italian song

Even though everything is awesome
I'll try not to feel like it's scolding me
It may be my dreams are all wrong
are delusions
Right now they belong to me

Outside everything's aweome

08 February 2015

We were born to die

Fear don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
oh my heart it breaks ...

Walking through Paris streets
is it by mistake or design
I feel so alone on a Sunday night
Can you make me feel like home?


'cause you and I:
we were born to die.

Sometimes, like all, being apart is hard, and I do sometimes wonder if our marriage is strong enough. Then we finally spend a day and a half together, and I realize it is the real thing. We are so good together, I wonder what took us so long to understand it.

Now S is gone back to Milan, I'm still here for who knows how long (maybe just one week, but then there'll be another project somewhere else, maybe back in Oman, maybe somewhere else in France, and he may be going to Brazil soon).
This life is too fucked up.

07 January 2015

2015: FITSPOhttp://images.iodonna.rcsperiodiciobjects.it/bellezza/foto/2014/12/palestra-dopo-feste-10723731_1560563540844523_823938510_n_MGTHUMB-BIG.jpg?v=20150103094340

Happy new year people.
Let's jump-start it with some fitspo motivation.
(if Adriana Lima is sweating her ass at the gym... so can (should) we!!!)

(and Alessandra Ambrosio is clearly busy too)