when they drop the C word, it's always shitty

It's been 9 months since we first went to see a doctor about husband breathing problem.
He got nose surgery in May, but they could not remove a small tumor he has on his skull, since they're afraid of touching the brain. Just keep it monired they told us.

The breathing finally seemed to improve in June when we went to Greece - at least for a while.

Then it got worse, with more polips forming in his nose.

In late July he got a mild case of pneumonia - mild also because I got him on antibiotics on day 1.

In august he started complaining about chest pains, and his breathing is worse than ever - his troubles seem to be lung-related now, not just nose-related. My dad happens to be a pneumologist, so he checked him last week and told him to just have a TAC.

As soon as husbad left the room dad told me to have the TAC and other exams done ASAP because, he said, "if he has cancer you'll need to know asap".

Fuck.

Waiting for the TAC results now. Meanwhile, frankly, I understand why he doesn't  quit smoking. Let's face it, who more than people like us can understand that? If I can't manage to get below 60kg, how on earth can I expect that he can stop smoking?

we've barely slept in the past 2 months, since he has so much trouble when we lay dow, and I'm having more and more trouble keeping my shit together at work.

Allergies suck

Can you believe I’m still stuck at 128.2 stupid damned lbs?
But only after eating only soup yesterday (okay I cheated with half a cup of special K, but I still went to sleep VERY hungry).
I hit the gym this morning, even though in these days this means biking 15 supplementary minutes under pouring rain to get to work afterwards. The main issue is, now that the bronchitis is gone, my allergies are in full swing, and I have a hard time breathing. Hence, I have a hard time running.

Now running is what keeps me alive when work gets tough (and by “work gets tough” I mean when I work ove 14 hours a day for weeks). Because I’m insomniac, and running helps me sleeping. And it also empties my mind from work thoughts, work drama, it just frees my mind, so I need it.
I don’t take meds anymore for my allergies. Antihistaminic won’t do, and I used to do cortisone, but I went up to 100mg a day, for weeks. In first place, cortisone makes you AWFULLY FAT. In second place, when you do 100mg a day, you stop sleeping. Seriously, it feels like drinking 10 red bulls right before you go to bed, you just can’t close your eyes. And your hands start to shake. The upside? You breathe awfully well, AND all the crickets in your neck are gone, and man, when you run it feels like flying.
I used cortisone during hard work periods, but I’m trying to stay away from it. Last year, I managed to go through spring with no cortisone at all.

What else, skinnies? Oh, in first place, I looooove you followers, you totally motivate me and I swear last night when I wanted to binge I thought of you and it helped me stop halfway through the cup of Special K.
I know most people blogging about weight loss etc etc are waaaayy younger than I am, but I simply was naturally skinny when I was 19 or so. I just didn’t have the issue.
Okay, enough hypochondria. Something funnier happened over the last weeks. I don’t know why, but in 2010, it seems all the guys that have rejected me like shit are popping up again, sending me messages on Facebook and so on, when I NEVER EVER reached out for them in first place. I’ll tell you more about this tomorrow.

Stay strong beauties!!

Hypochondria

Last night I binged. Again.

And I’m taking so many medicines, I cannot even consider purging or laxies, because I wouldn’t know which medicines I’ve absorbed and which ones I’ve expelled.
GROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSS

Anyway.

I’m being hypochondriac.

I’m usually a very healthy person, the only exception being my allergies (that often bring me to stuff my face with cortisone in spring, which of course makes me FAT, but we’ll get to that in another post).

I’ve been having bronchitis over the last twelve days, and it’s getting worse. I’ve taken two whole cycles of antibiotics, liters of syrup, aspirin, whatever, you name it, I’ve tried it.
I cannot stop coughing.

It is so bad, yesterday I was sent home from work, because the others couldn’t concentrate due to my cough. Granted, this only happened because it was a very slow day at work, but do I give the idea of the situation?

I am a huge fan of In Treatment. Has anyone seen the second season? With the girl who couldn’t stop coughing and she has stage 3 cancer at her lungs?

I KNOW I just have bronchitis (my father started coughing exactly 48 hours before I did, and he’s still ill as well), but I just can’t stand it anymore. My head aches, my back aches, I haven’t slept in days, my lungs ache, all because I keep fucking coughing!

So these are my poor excuses for having indulged in 3 disgusting cookies with Nutella last night.

Still 130 lbs this morning.

I had a light breakfast, and I shall try to only have soup today and tomorrow.

Stay strong!