14 June 2018


I flew back from Greece on Sunday morning, landed happily and got a call.
From a former coworker.
He said "Look I don't know how else to say this, Vivien died"
I actually asked him if this was a bad joke. Vivien, 42, beautiful, healthy and lovely cannot be dead
Vivien, who adopted a troubled, orphaned teenager last summer
Vivien, my friend, who could be trusted to always make sense
Vivien, the kind one, who talked too much and who everyone loved

Vivien drowned last Saturday

Vivien was definitely not the sporty kind, but one thing she could do was swimming. Born and raised by the Mediterrean, swim she could.

Vivien, who a couple weeks ago, when I bailed out of drinks (explaining I had to be at my grandmother's place as my parents were on vacation on the premises I would stay with Granny who's 94) wrote me "I'm thinking of giving up"

We spoke afterwards and she said she was a bit overwhelmed with her kid, but the thought is there

Goodbye my friend. You were awesome. I don't believe in an afterlife. But I do belive you left a sign. So many people were crying at your funeral. We miss you already

Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
I'll let the judges frown

And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be
Goodbye my friend

30 May 2018

Summer is coming with news and memories

I remember when life was slow.
In my country, kids enjoy a solid three months summer break from school (albeit they have very few days off during the rest of the year). When I was a kid, living in the countryside, we enjoyed a lot of freedom.
Most of the kids I knew had chores to do in the morning, and then, from noon to supper (which would be typically at 7.30 or 8 PM were completely free. Most of us had bikes, and living by a lake offered infinite opportunities, from swimming, to diving, to explore small canyons, anything really.

But looking back, what really pops into my mind was a lazy rainy afternoon spent watching the Olympic games (something that involved horse I remember) with my mother, who apparently was also able to waste time as well (she was a teacher, so she too had a long summer break).
I am kinda jealous about this – I’ve just booked an appointment with the hairdresser… at 7AM tomorrow morning, which sounds downright wrong, but I’m so glad he’s agreed to see me that early.

But let’s face it, tomorrow the official communication is coming, I’m getting promoted to non equity partner, and celebration is in order. My friend Daniela is becoming equity partner, Matt as well, we’ve booked the winery in the city center, and life is good right? I just hope to fit into that blue dress from last summer’s weddings.

25 May 2018

Hot and bothered

The real issue with being married and loving your man, is you can no longer tell your dirty secrets to anyone.
Because it would be betraying your marriage somehow.

And so I'm home alone, Hub's on the other side of the planet, and I'm hot, bothered and frustrated with my dreams, and... I cannot vent with anyone.
Someone mentioning today in a Whatsapp chat my unsuccessfully hitting on Vi 13 years ago did not cheer me up either. A group chat in which Vi is included of course.
And his body is probably not as hot as it looked in my dreams anyway

Well Husband'll be back tomorrow finally, so I guess I'd better just suck it up and try and forget this stupid dreams.

On a positive note, I worked like hell all week and being alone I never had dinner (and sometimes skipped lunch). Hopefully I'll get to see some improvements soon.

I've also been unofficially confirmed I'll be made non equity partner - official communication should come in at the end of the month.
I guess I'm just too tired to really cheer - after all I've been working 18 days straight, most days >12h.

13 April 2018

Leave the light on for me

As soon as our friend leaves the table in the winery to go to the restroom, he asks me:
"Do you remember when we went heli-skiing and we had to jump out of the helicopter as it would not land in the place we had chosen for skiing?"
How the fuck do you think I could possibly forget something like that asshole? Of all the stupid things I've done in my life to impress stupid males, this is the one that impressed myself most of all - I think. What I answer is: "Yes, and I still don't get why didn't you make love to me, before or after that"

That kinda leaves him a bit baffled. Serves him right - I do remember the crazy fall from the helicopter, which I thought must have been at least three meters from the ground (later he said 5, but that was probably to impress his friends) and landing in all the snow powder with the blades hitting the air so loudly over my head.

But it only takes him a few second to regain his coolness and smiling like a cat saying "Why, I never thought you would have said yes"
"Shut up stupid - you know perfectly well I asked you to come home with me years before that, when we were in France and I was still hot"
"Damn you were - you still are, but in the Rome office we all still remember how you managed to look hot and innocent at the same time. And after all this years, you still keep wearing these white trousers - we've all had wet dreams about those at some point"

Fuck-you - you still don't want to say it - after all these years?  That you were in love with a chubby and that you like playing and flirting but that's it. Because that is the truth - you did marry her and had kids after all.

But the nice part is, while he still is hot, I'm finding that I truly no longer care, and that I'm having fun but I wouldn't even consider anything with him - I'm actually checking what time it is, because I don't want to come home too late in case Husband gets worried.

Our friend is back, and while later she will tell me that Vi and I "make sparks" and then he was "so smitten with me", I soon leave in the pouring rain (let's all have a silent minute in honor of my formerly white pants please), and run home, where Husband is asleep but has left the light on for me.
And I can't help how much I love Hubby 

31 March 2018

What if?

Be careful of what you wish for, my brain whispers me. I know the brain is right.
I seems that, maybe, if everything goes well, blah blah blah, I may be promoted to non equity partner in two months. It's the step before making it.

Allow me a flash-back.
I started working in this specific Big4 when I was 22. I was the youngest, the silliest, the hottest, the skinny bitch who knew nothing but was willing to work VERY hard. I was assigned to a senior manager that we'll call from now on Humbert (Lolita?). He was very demanding, and in the beginning I went home crying a lot at night. Over the following months, B. broke my heart, and although everything seemed a nightmare, Humbert came to appreciate me and supported me at work.
When, not even having spent one year in the firm, I moved to the French office, everyone was angry with me at work, but before I left Humbert called me into his office and encouraged me to keep in touch and to make the most of the experience, and promised I could come back at any time.
Surely neither of us thought that I would come back working for the firm some 12 years later! But that's what happened about one year ago. The firm welcomed me back, and is willing to bet on me. I'm good, granted, but I'm also aware that they need to make female partners, and not many are well positioned as me and my two friends at work to make it :-)

So what am I afraid of?
i) my targets will spike - I know that this year (ending June 30) I'll end up exceeding by far my targets, but I'm cautious about how I can deliver more. Truth is, Humbert (who is now senior partner) is helping me a lot with my sales target. He will keep doing it - if he can. Should the internal political situation change however, his support may no longer be meaningful

ii) will husband be proud enough for me and not feel belittled? This may sound stupid, but hey, this is Italy. My man made it to equity partner - in a Tier 2 firm. Will it be okay for him to have a wife who makes it in a Tier 1 firm?

iii) as much as I want to make it, I know that the partner's daily job is something I like less than my current daily job. I wasn't born to be a salesman, I'm more into the operating part of the job.

iv) Matt, a friend who's one year ahead of me in the process (he'll get promoted to equity partner in June) is now 140kg. That's 308lbs for you Americans. He only uses food to sooth himself, while, let's face it, I am more creative. I (ab)use a mix of a bunch of stuff, most notably wine, pain killers, food, running (less and less these days), and to a much lower extent, drugs. But you guys already know my point: is this sustainable?

Long story short - I'm already planning to rent out Just Cavalli private club to throw the promotion party. I just need to lose weight. And I'm seriously considering a Liposuction.

I'm invincible, yeah I win every single game
I'm so confident, yeah I'm unstoppable today