05 August 2017

conversation on a working saturday

"Should we plan a vacation?"
"We are so tired and exhausted we probably should. Let's go somewhere where the beach is amazing, the sea is blue and everything is quiet"

I've seen the world, done it all, had my cake
the crazy days, the city lights, the way you play with me like a child

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me, when I've nothing but an aching soul?
I know you will
Will you still you me when I'm no longer beautiful?

Lana Del Rey soothes me and at the same time manages to nag something deep inside me

Oh S, my love. I so ache for a vacation with you. We've been working for 5 weeks straight with only two days off.
I so long to be in the sun. I am so horrified at how I look in a bikini right now
This is so wrong, but as long as we are together I'll make things work, I promise

14 July 2017

Skinny is a rule (Remembering B)

There's a rule that states: if you don't make love at the third date, you are not sure of yourself
There's a story that says who eats an apple commits the worst sin ever
It is so normal thinking... that this life is awesome, even though sometimes it's bringing me down (something's bringing me down), and that Skinny is a rule, that you tried to explain to me, I'll never forget it. I remember the street where I promised I was going to change, but I did not understand how, how do you do it.

There's a rule that states you need a tight gap to be more normal
There's a story that says you need to be skinny to be happy
There is a rule that states that if you need dieting you are a wrong person, like me
It is so normal thinking... that this life is awesome, even though sometimes it's bringing me down (it's bringing us down and down), and that Skinny is a formula you tried to teach me, I'll never forget it
I remember the summer I sworn I would not go there (I would never be fat again), but you never told me if you saved me.
Yes this life is amazing, even though sometimes it brings me down, something brings me down. Maybe Skinny is a rule only you knew, but I'll never forget you.

I didn't start, and I never understood whether you saved me or doomed me, I never understood how to do it, I never understood.

The past is like a handful of dust: it filters through your fingers, disappearing little by little.
I wish that, for one day, I could go back.
In another life, I would do things differently

11 July 2017


I step in to the dressing room and strip off my trousers.

It's not simply warm, it's hot. This summer is taxing all of us in this hot, sticky city. I used to love that at night the cold never came during the summer month, and I could simply spend hours hanging out in denim shorts or in a nice short dress, revealing my lean, long legs.
I come from the Alps, and I used to think that it's not late until it gets cold, so when I moved here, 18 years old and 110 pounds, with a BMI barely touching 17.5, I loved that part.
It's true that climate has changed since then, and now we have 38° (100.4F) at 7PM.

My whole body is breaking a sweat, which is not strange as I decided again to walk the 4km from work to home in this temperature - then again, this helps shaking off the stress from the day (and, a little nagging voice adds in my mind, it only helps minimally with the carbs I gorged at lunch).
I feel strange and suddenly I wonder if a minor earthquake is happening (that's not so uncommon here, and nothing to worry about). But no one seems to notice in the shop, so I grab the size 4 trousers I have to try on and finally realize my legs are shaking.

I sit down and think if I walked too much in the heat or something. I take a big breath and no, my blood pressure is not low. It's anxiety. It's anxiety that I may not fit in a fucking pair of what we call size 42.
I'm fucking 35 years old.
And I stumble in fear that a stupid pair of trousers I don't even like may not fit. And I'm not even in public. I need to get hold of myself.

05 July 2017

What do they see

We attended a wedding in Portugal, husband and I. Weather was horrible until minutes before the wedding, then turned into sunny and windy and everything was awesome.
I was nervous as a lot of former colleagues were there and I kept thinking "They'll see how fat I've become".

The bride was cute and skinny, with a lot of bones showing on her back.

And then, suddenly, one hour or so into the reception, I realized that the photographs had been all over me all the time. Like seriously, they later posted 4 pics of bride and groom on their website... and two of myself. Granted, no Victoria's Angels were attending, but still.

Husband and me, ready to go to the wedding. The dress hides my ugly tights thanks God, but the sad truth is that mirror was slimming

06 June 2017

random thoughts

Last Saturday we ran 28km, with 800mt gain. (that's 17.4 miles, for you sillies, with roughly 2600 feet of gain)

Then I went swimming on Monday (1100meters, probably 1200 yards), and running this morning (6km on the treadmill, you sillies figure that out on your own).
Can someone tell me how the fuck did I GAIN 1kg over the weekend with all that running involved?

Marine, my skinny bitch BFF is flying in on Saturday from NYC. We last met two years ago and I look like a fat cow
Marina, who is probably 5ft2 for a total weight of 100lbs (somewhere around 158cm for 45kg) makes me feel ginourmous. I love her to pieces, but I kinda feel better that the husbands will be around as well (both our hubbies are big guys).

I miss Marina
I hate her for being so skinnier than me
I hate that she and Jon left us behind when they moved to NYC

I remember those nights of cocaine and champagne, sneaking into one bathroom stall just the two of us with half of the girls thinking she and I had a thing. It was so much fun