The Tan

 Just as if I jinxed it by writing that Mischief was in touch on a daily basis, he disappeared. Since he's a psychopath about privacy and online presence, he set our whatsapp chat to delete messages after 7 days, which is something I hate as I'm the kind of person who religiously keeps old letters, messages etc.

The chat is now empty.

I know I had said I would not reach out, but eventually I wrote this morning "Stranger, did something happen?".

 

He was probably already sleeping by the time I texted (remember he's 9 hours behind, and I sent this after training at the gym), so we'll see. I know he was spending the 4th of July on his own and his wife was staying back in NY, so either they changed plans and stayed as well, or it's strange that he was on his own and has not reached out.

 

I know I should just let this go, and you know I won't. And the reason is simple. I am fairly confident he feels the same way I do. And I am very confident that neither of us will experience this again, considering we have not in more than 20 years. I do not want nor plan to wreck his or my life over this, but if I get a chance to enjoy this and see his a couple times a year, I will.

 

 

On a different note, I went to the lake for the weekend and managed to grab a quick coffee with my brother. I was wearing short jeans and a polo shirt and he was like "Sis, you look amazing! The tan! And I love your shorts, these clothes really suit you". This made my day.

 

I have an appointment with a piercer tonight. I don't think I'll go through, but let's see.

 

Weight wise: 61.8kg (136lbs) - BMI 21.4. Slow progress, but still progressing.

 

Song for this post: "Don't think of me" by Dido

The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)

All my life on my head (don't want to think about it)

 It's been a bit of a rough week. First my computer died on me on Wednesday, and after arguing with IT (they initially offered to give me a new one on June 25....) for a couple hours, I managed to grab one at 6PM, with most of the updates yet to be done but at least I'm relatively autonomous at this - I still lost almost a full day of work, and this is the busiest season of the year...

On Thursday I had a client event in the evening at one of the rooftops with the best cathedral view in the city - just as I was about to leave the office with two colleagues who were also attending, a (difficult) client of mine called screaming and threatening to sue the firm. Long story short, legal department (not mine) has made a mistake in sharing information, and client now wants their heads on a tray. Which is not something I can offer. I apologized profusely, called legal and ask them to deal with the mess. Fast forward to Friday morning 7h30AM (after a relevant number of gin tonics on Thursday night I shall add) client was already calling me, screaming, even more enraged than the previous night. Among other things I heard "we're going to sue everyone in the firm" "we're going to drag you in the dirt" "we will destroy your reputation" and much more. I took about 20 minutes and then calmly said "Look, I do understand you are furious and rightly so, I apologize again and I'm trying to work to fix this. At the same time, you've been working with me for over a year, and you always noted how good and professional my team was. Now as much as I understand your position, please try and also see mine: it's another team and another partner that made a mistake, and I'm taking all your frustration". He calmed a little but reinstated he wants this to escalate.

It was not a great day.

Mischief called me that night (he needed more help with his investment thing) and could see I was not in a very good place, he was nice at listening to what happened and trying to cheer me and shared some gossip from the US firm. I stayed away from any conversation about meeting each other or anything about the two of us, I was not calm enough to have this kind of conversation. I have also kind of decided to try and not be the one who initiates conversations - not sure I'll be capable to respect this decision, we'll see. I should also mention: he looked incredibly good. I kind of wanted to eat him. I think he just got a haircut, and he was tan and oh my God I wanted him. (at least I think I also looked good, I have a bit of tan, had my hair straightened and was wearing a shirt same color as my eyes)

I'm spending the weekend at the lake, trying to get a tan and spending some time with my parents. I drove here this morning, I put the car top down and just drove by the lake in the warm air and that was by far the best hour of the week. I normally hate driving but it felt good.

Weight update: yesterday I woke at 62.5kg - 138 pounds - BMI 21.5. But I may have been a but dehydrated, it's been consistently reaching 100F and Thursday night event was open air so...

Song for this post: "Disturbia" by Rihanna

Ad a pic of Thursday night - my arms are still big but overall I was not unhappy with the look

Derailed rumblings of an M&A consultant

Last week we finalized the purchase of the flat.

We'll be moving in within 2 months - we need to have some changes done in the inside, and we have already ordered furniture.

I am looking forward to that, but I'm so exhausted that I have a hard time thinking that I shall move utilities to the new house. Work has really been overwhelming and, from an emotional standpoint, draining. It seems I might be making it to equity partner in June - please do not cheer, it's too early.

Meanwhile, I won a huge engagement for my top client, the same one I mentioned in the post "Sometimes" back in September.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, they call me every other month or so for a quick chat. It gets awkward over time, because I'm less and less part of their lives. I never was really, I know little of their life outside work. Sometimes the project lasts for years, and it's harder to let go, even for me. Sometimes there is even a new project, and suddenly they realize that when this one will be over, we'll probably never see each other again. And you end up with bleary eyes on both sides, because you'll miss each other.

 Trouble is, the corporation is the same, but V (he) is not officially involved this time. Working for them has always been draining, but the upside was working with him. Now that he's officially not involved, this project has been a mess so far and promises to get worse.

So after talking to him about twice a week over the phone for the last 2 months, we went out for drinks. As soon as I stepped into the wine bar and saw V, I knew it was a mistake. I don't care I said in past I don't think he's an attractive man, it was like a pheromones path led straight to him. The conversation kept derailing between work and personal matters. I don't even know how I ended in his arms outside the bar, my eyes searching his ones, knowing I was going to regret this but practically begging for him to kiss me.

I woke up all grumpy at my sister in law house and the dream was so vivid I spend the morning wondering about him, stalking V's wife social media profiles and finally sending him a message on whatsapp (about professional matters). V is in London, we are in lockdown, I've certainly not been outside a bar without a mask, nor inside any batr at night, for the past 4\217986\287963947194\834629\7 years or at least that's what it feels like, and I'm certainly not involved with V.

By lunch time I was all over my husband, in love with him to the moon and back.

Night falls and V calls me. The conversation sticks to professional matters for the most, and he tells me a number of things that spark my anxiety. Finally he says the new company they'll incorporate will be based in London but operating in Milan and I ask him if he's moving back to ITaly or not, and he says he'll stay in London. Which is probably for the best.

Next week I have my final interview for the equity partnership admission process. IF that goes well, I'll have to fork out €100,000 in July . not sure where I'm going to find this kind of money considering how much I've thrown into the new flat but we'll see.