Safe in my own skin?

After Dubai, it was one week in Montecarlo.
Same client, who operates restaurants and night venues. Never seen so many Ferraris and Lambos in my life.
It was like the world was spinning and it was mostly populated by supercars, diaphane hookers, musicians and singers dressed like the 70s were now, dwarves (yes, dwarves), shishas, 30 liters bottles of Dom Perignon. And in the morning at their offices trying to figure the business, while my head experienced troubles addying 2 and 2.

Carrying around 10/15kg more than all the other girls tends to be depressing. I don't care that most of the girls were hookers, that is not the point. And in the end, how different are we?
I don't have sex with clients, but truly I still have to make them feel successful, smart, powerful and brave. I sell them my skills and knowledge in principle, but practically I sell my time. My time away from home, away from what I care.

The saddest part is that I am totally aware that I'll have to work all my life, and I'm also aware this work/life balance is unsustainable even in the short term. I can no longer manage it, blame it on the age, on the responsibilities it doesn't matter. I just can no longer manage it.

And I tried, I tried quitting, I tried working in a corporate and where did it lead me? If fucked up my mind in first place, and the other consequences, the real ones are/were unspeakeable. Vivien is dead and there is no going back, and I'd rather not even considering that kind of adventure again.

Retarded or civilized?

I don't know which one I am.
landed in Dubai at 4AM - couldn't sleep in the plane despite all the complementary Moet et Chandon. Too much going on, anxiety is spiking and it was too warm anyways.

It's 40 fucking degrees here.

Why is everyone excited about Dubai? I'm probably retarded from the lack of sleep (I snoozed one hour in the hotel and then headed into work, and it's night now). But I do not understand this place. Staying next to the Burji Khalifa or whatever the huge skyscraper is called.
When I ask where can I go for a walk, the answer I get is: there is a free shuttle to Dubai Mall Madam.

There seems to be literally no place around here to go and stroll outdoors.

I want to die already

On another note, they do have a scale in this huge bedroom, which I fucking love.
Food is so fucking expensive one should really consider it they are really hungry before ordering. Sadly, it's the client who pays in my case, so that does not apply.

Old habits die hard

I seem to be back to years ago in terms of hectic life.
I left on Sunday morning for Amsterdam and came back last night. On Saturday I'm off to Dubai for a week, then it'll be Montecarlo for another week. work work work work work.

Don't get started with how much fun this is - it is not. I'm too old for this shit.

Meanwhile my husband is also back to his old habits, and on Monday night he claimed he was at home, then disappeared from the world, went out, got shit faced, lost his mobile and faile to show up at a client meeting on Tuesday morning. His team started calling me but I was in Amsterdam and had less news about his whereabouts then his team.

So not looking forward to a good old fight tonight...