Not everything was good back when I was skinny

 The number on the phone says it's from France but I don't recognize it, so I just pick up

"Lucy Shadow speaking"

"Hello Lucy! It's Ben V! You remember? Do you still speak French?"

I do. I remember Ben V. While he keeps talking, I spend about three minutes trying to remember if I've ever had sex with him or not. Ben V was working in the same firm I was in my first years in Lyon.

I decide I did not, mentally pat myself on the shoulder and start paying attention.

While he proceeds telling me he now works for a private equity fund and that they're looking at an Italian company and he's seeking an Italian advisor, etc etc, suddenly some long buried souvenir floats to the surface of my mind.

I remember a mad night some 14 years ago, a night of drinks, sex, screams and madness. A night I had willingly buried in the darkest places of my mind for a long time.

Ben V rambles on and we agree he'll send me an email. I look up at the private equity firm he works for and spot my favourite client among their credentials, so I take a big breath and call him to ask for feedback. The good news is one of the partners who just joined Ben V firm is someone I know well and with whom I enjoy an excellent professional relationship! Of course he asks me why I sound worried about this, and I end up telling him a "mitigated" version of the story.

Later on, I dig into an older blog of mine archive, and found the post below. Trouble is, names have been changed and I can't place a sure identity on "Arnaud". He might be Ben V or he might be another guy who was friend with Nicolas (again, you'll have to read below to understand). Fuck.

Nicolas was a guy I knew in Lyon that I casually dated over a summer. I was 23, single and... well I don't regret the random sex life per se but sometimes it still backlashes at me.

Coyote Ugly

September 25, 2006

 

The night out with Nicolas finally happened but was… awkward

 

Do you all remember the Coyote Ugly girls? The idea was that coyotes that get trapped cut away the trapped leg with their teeth, to run away. Just the way you would want to do sometimes, when you wake up beside someone after a funky night, and all you wish is to run away without waking him. You know what I mean, huh?

 

Before you misunderstand, we did not do it. Ok, I’ll explain everything.

 

I arrived to the party around 9PM, wearing this innocent/lusty dress I have since college, that never failed to make me get what I wanted.

Nicolas wasn’t there yet, but there was Helene, girlfriend and neighbor of mine, who instantly started to pour me her wonderful vodka sour. One hour (and more than one vodka) later, Nicolas arrived with his friends, not yet drunk but already quite high. I just smiled, and he said “My love, why didn’t you answer me?” I was stunned. Picked up the phone and found a message from him, from two hours before, that said “Sweetheart, I’ll arrive later, shall we meet directly at the pub? Kisses”. I watched Nicolas, and smiled while he was saying “I don’t want everyone to see there’s something between us” just to start publicly making out with me, hands all over me and tongue down my throat.

 By the time we left for the pub, the evening was great.

We were both drunk, but still happy drunk. So, making out some more at the pub, just seemed a wonderful idea. Music was great, Nicolas (who apparently knows everyone no matter where he goes) was introducing me as his fiancé (???) to everyone, including my new junior colleague, who just watched me astonished (and I wasn’t enough shit faced to avoid thinking “MERDE, I’ll have to fix this”).

 When we decided to move to a club next door, the drama started. They wouldn’t let us in, basically because Nicolas was all over me. And then Arnaud, Nico’s spazzy friend, came out from the disco. I tried to persuade them to get in without me, so that I could join them a few minutes later, but by this time it was getting hard to explain things to Nico. And then, Arnaud pulled close and grabbed my breast.

I FRAKED OUT.

I got scared, screamed at them both, and tried to left. They tried to persuade me to move to another club with them, but I wasn’t getting it, Arnaud would not let me go and I realized that Nicolas wasn’t really seeing what was happening. So, when a friend of them pulled over in his car and they got distracted, I slipped away, walked for a while in the rain that had started pouring, managed to get a cab and went home sobbing.

Nicolas started calling me while I was in the cab but I was probably incoherent and he was still drunk.

Fifteen minutes after I got home, I had just got out of my drenched dress and into a nightie, when Nicolas showed up at my place. I buzzed him in, because after all I've had so many great nights with Nico and trusted him to be a good guy. I did think he had not fully grasped what was going on and I just wanted someone to hug me.

When I open the door the corridor was pitch black, Nico was drenched and smiling, whispering soft sexy French words. I stood by to let him in, and in he got. And behind him, Arnaud tried to get in as well.

I slammed the door on Arnaud, he backed out, I slammed the door again on his hand and he started howling and finally I got the door shut.

Shaking, I locked the door only to realize Nico was still in, and Arnaud was out pounding fists on my door.  Cold, miserable and frightened, I burst in tears. Nico started talking to the door quitly "Go away Arnaud. Go away. Why are you here? You were supposed to drop me off and leave. Go away or I'm coming out and beat your face to pulp. Was it you then who scared her? Fuck you asshole. Leave now, or I'll call the cops and they'll find some nice white stuff in your pocket".

That must have worked because Arnaud left. I didn't really want Nicolas to stay but I was to afraid to open the door again, and anyway he slumped on the couch shortly after and passed out.

I slept out of exhaustion, but 4 hours later I had to catch the train at 6:30AM (weekend with parents had been planned long ago). I did not want to wake Nicolas and talk about it, so I just left him asleep on my couch leaving him a note.

 

I don’t even know how the hell will I manage to walk into the office on Monday morning, after everyone saw the two of us on Friday night

Back to present, I decide I can't figure who Nico's friend was that night. I haven0t seen any of these people for over 12 years. I give a call to Ben V boss, say hi, and decide I'll take the engagement anyways. The past is gone and shall better stay forgotten. There will be no going for drinks on this engagement in any case. Any out of office meeting will be strictly confined to breakfast!

Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

one step too far?

No posts.
I'm fat.

I would really really like the best manager I have that works for me to hit on me.

I really really hope that does not happen - I know it will not happen.

I still love my husband, but I am freaking out due to work

workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork

fuck

Hot and bothered

The real issue with being married and loving your man, is you can no longer tell your dirty secrets to anyone.
Because it would be betraying your marriage somehow.

And so I'm home alone, Hub's on the other side of the planet, and I'm hot, bothered and frustrated with my dreams, and... I cannot vent with anyone.
Someone mentioning today in a Whatsapp chat my unsuccessfully hitting on Vi 13 years ago did not cheer me up either. A group chat in which Vi is included of course.
And his body is probably not as hot as it looked in my dreams anyway


Well Husband'll be back tomorrow finally, so I guess I'd better just suck it up and try and forget this stupid dreams.

On a positive note, I worked like hell all week and being alone I never had dinner (and sometimes skipped lunch). Hopefully I'll get to see some improvements soon.


I've also been unofficially confirmed I'll be made non equity partner - official communication should come in at the end of the month.
I guess I'm just too tired to really cheer - after all I've been working 18 days straight, most days >12h.

Leave the light on for me

As soon as our friend leaves the table in the winery to go to the restroom, he asks me:
"Do you remember when we went heli-skiing and we had to jump out of the helicopter as it would not land in the place we had chosen for skiing?"
How the fuck do you think I could possibly forget something like that asshole? Of all the stupid things I've done in my life to impress stupid males, this is the one that impressed myself most of all - I think. What I answer is: "Yes, and I still don't get why didn't you make love to me, before or after that"

That kinda leaves him a bit baffled. Serves him right - I do remember the crazy fall from the helicopter, which I thought must have been at least three meters from the ground (later he said 5, but that was probably to impress his friends) and landing in all the snow powder with the blades hitting the air so loudly over my head.

But it only takes him a few second to regain his coolness and smiling like a cat saying "Why, I never thought you would have said yes"
"Shut up stupid - you know perfectly well I asked you to come home with me years before that, when we were in France and I was still hot"
"Damn you were - you still are, but in the Rome office we all still remember how you managed to look hot and innocent at the same time. And after all this years, you still keep wearing these white trousers - we've all had wet dreams about those at some point"

Fuck-you - you still don't want to say it - after all these years?  That you were in love with a chubby and that you like playing and flirting but that's it. Because that is the truth - you did marry her and had kids after all.

But the nice part is, while he still is hot, I'm finding that I truly no longer care, and that I'm having fun but I wouldn't even consider anything with him - I'm actually checking what time it is, because I don't want to come home too late in case Husband gets worried.

Our friend is back, and while later she will tell me that Vi and I "make sparks" and then he was "so smitten with me", I soon leave in the pouring rain (let's all have a silent minute in honor of my formerly white pants please), and run home, where Husband is asleep but has left the light on for me.
And I can't help how much I love Hubby 

WTF Wednesday

Let's start on a good note: I'm back to 119lbs, AND I got laid.

Yeah, last night Steve and I hung out like old times at our local pub, drank some beer, chatted, went back to my place, I made ice shaked coffee (typical Italian stuff), we started making out in total relax, and somehow... we got to the point. Finally!

On a less positive note, I attended a work meeting today that ended in a business lunch. So I simply had to eat and break the fast.

I'm really really sorry. I wasn't even hungry. Fuck work. However, I'm not going to eat again until Saturday at lunch.

Sorry this post sucks, I gotta go back at work!

Truly fasting Tuesday!

The fasting is going well.

Group-fasting is always the best. Last night I had Steve and Kat at my place for dinner, and I managed to keep fasting because I thought of you. Am now at 48 solid hours of fasting, and man, I needed it after the weekend binges: this morning I was a scary 120.37lbs!!!

My sister in law took this photo of me last week (119lbs).

Also, something mind-blowing happened. I told Steve about my ED. Well I didn’t use the “ED” word, but I explained him that fasting and restricting are part of my lifestyle, that I end up eating so much at home that I need to compensate. He was incredibly understanding, and said that he has his own bad habits (he smokes like a chimney…), and then one day we’ll give this up together (his smoking and my fast-binge habit).

People, I may be falling in love.

Okay, let’s move on to something less cheesy (although Steve-related). THIS IS TOTALLY TMI, so if you don’t feel comfortable reading about sex and stuff, stop reading NOW!!

Okay, so the sex. Somehow, it’s not happening.

Let’s make a premise: Steve is totally a sex-driven man. The night that should have been our first time, well, I wasn’t on the pill anymore, and let’s just say he’s not a condom guy. Don’t even give me the full STD lesson, I know. But in real life, you need to make choices. So, the first night was dedicated to blow jobs (which he fully appreciates), and as soon as I could, I got back on the pill.

Then, yesterday I spent the whole afternoon messing around in his bed. We were having fun and everything, and all of a sudden he said “You know I really feel good with you?”

I loved to hear it, but I knew something more was coming.

“It’s just… Usually I’m bolder”

“You know, I love being with you. It’s so much better than I ever thought it would be. But What’s the issue?”

“I don’t know. Really, it’s just not happening”

At this point, I felt like the less attractive girl on earth, and my heart sunk. “Well, I guess we have a problem then. Because I really love this thing we have, but if you’re not into having sex with me, it’s a big issue”

“Stop saying stupid things Lucy, of course I am attracted to you and I really want to make love to you. Give me a little time, okay? I just need to get used to this. You need to understand I really am into you, and it’s going so good, I just need some time”

I said okay, but I really wanted to leave and spend the rest of the day crying over myself, over my sense of inadequateness, over my fatness. But he wouldn’t let me leave. Because he knew I wasn’t handling well. So we fooled around some more (i.e. more oral sex), then I had to leave because Kat was coming for dinner. Steve realized I would spend the night torturing myself over this issue, so he came over at my place for dinner and stayed for the night. It worked, because I slept through the whole night. I only woke once, around 2 in the morning, and softly caressed his smooth, flawless shoulder, and fell back asleep.

But still, this issue is not a small one. Let’s be honest here: I’m 28, and I never got into this kind of situation. So, (especially from the boys): any advice? Right now my action plan is avoid building too much anticipation and hope that things will settle. But hell, I do want to get laid before vacation!!! So please, comment and give all the advice you may have.

Action

Alejandro came over last night, and from the moment he stared at my body, I knew I was lost.

“Lucy. You are so beautiful. Your face, your hair... your body. I could stare at your body for hours, it’s just… flawless”

Alejandro, who could totally belong to a male thinspo, was just as usual: perfect tan, perfect waxed legs, his three tattoos in their places, his abs discreetly peeking, his pecs showing just as I like, not too much, not too little. His soft skin, his hands on my face.

“I missed you so much Alejandro”

“Me too Lucy. You have no clue”

Fast forward – two hours later

“I want you so bad. It’s been years, Lucy. You know that with no one else it is like with you”

“What about tomorrow? What if next week I want you again?”

“I’ll be there each time you’ll want me, you know that. I made a promise to you, years ago, and I’ll keep it forever”

“I know you will. But it wouldn’t be fair”

“I’d never cheat. But you… You came first. You came before my girlfriend. Mostly, the alchemy we share… I will never give you up. I tried, and I have never managed to. I’m going to kiss you now, and I’m going to do all I want to do. Just tell me to stop if that’s what you want, and I’ll let go”

...

We both cried out, loud. We both cried for more, until there was no more. It was as good as in my souvenirs, maybe even better.

(I was extremely thankful both my neighbors are on vacation)

When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer,

I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there

In the midnight hour I can feel your power

Just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing,

I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Feels like flying

I close my eyes, Oh God: I think I’m falling!

Last, but not least, stats:

120.8lbs

BMI: 19.19