Nothin's fine I'm torn

 Well, it's not as dramatic as the title may suggest, but I've torn AGAIN my left knee meniscus, the same one I broke 3 years ago and had surgery on almost two years ago. It took me 15 months from the surgery to walk okay, and now it's fucked up again. (and even before this last event, it was understood that running was a souvenir from the past).

I do not expect anyone has been reading this rambling blog for the last 10 years or so, but running used to be a big part of my life - until 3 years ago. And then, I got fat: no wonder, as I eat the same (or more) and I used to run something in between 18km and 40km per week.

In any case, there is no way I'm repeating surgery . frankly speaking, it was SO NOT WORTH IT - the pains were much more significant than the benefits.

The only problem is this only leaves me one option which is to lose weight. And instead, of course, I keep gaining :-(

PS how did I tear it this time? Oh, by doing exactly the exercises that all doctors and physiotherapists have suggested I do. What the fuck. 

Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

shut-in

...and we are still here.
The whole country is in shut down; 90% of the time I think this is a pneumonia that spreads a bit more then a flu, and it will never hit healthy people like us.
That it is handed badly, and that this complete quarantine is an absurd situation.

Than I hear about someone I know, someone young and fit and healthy, who is in Intensive Care and I wonder.

After a while I revert to my initial thinking because the alternative, the possibility that this will destroy our civilization is too dramatic even for a drama queen like truly yours.


Positive things:
since I'm crashing at my parents, I can go for long walks in the woods next to the lake. Spring is amazing, there's plenty of flowers growing in the woods, sunny and warm weather - mixed with the quarantine, this means you get to enjoy all the above in a very private way. I love it.

Negative things:
economy went down the drain two weeks ago - it will take us 5 years minimum to recover
as such, I'll never find an easy way out from my current job
my mom keeps cooking and I keep eating. I probably gained 10 pounds already

Faithless

The fact that waking up at 61.3kgs (135pounds) and finding it's the lowest weight I've been over the past two years or so is freaking depressing.

The fact that I've dropped 6.4kgs from the beginning of December is a bit more cheering

The fact that Hubby has dropped 4 kilos without trying since Monday is fucking depressing. Poor Hubby had nose surgery on Monday and he's bee living on ice cream since. Had I done that, I would have gained 4 kilos instead of dropping LOL

However I'm overall on a good path. I've set up a routine that is, overall, relatively easy to follow.
I have protein shake for beakfast
skip lunch
eat chicken and veggis for dinner, or tuna and veggies. Sometimes I throw in some tzatziki.
I avoid wine unless on Fridays
I binge on saturday night and sunday lunch and than go back to routine

I still look and am fat. I hope to reach 59kg before vacation (3 weeks from now). Since I'll spend one week working from my parents' place all alone, maybe I'll manage (I have to stay there when they are on vacation, to be easily within reach of my grand mother and take care of her in mornings - she's 97 and lives on her own, but when parents are away it's up to me to shower her and shop for her).

I know how idiotic this sounds, but if I manage to drop 2kg in the next three weeks, this may kind of restore a little bit of faith in myself. Over the past 6 months, I haven't believed for a single second I can achieve anything in life anymore.


Lastly, I changed hair color, having it faded from bronde on the crown to caramel blond, with blond highlights in front. Still unsure about it, but IF I drop the desired weight I might post pics from my vacation