a conversation with the Panther

 The trip to Florida is in a week, and then in May I have a work event in Barcelona and my sister in law wedding.

I needed a dress that fit and the Panther (mom) needed a break from her daily shenanigans, so she came to Milan last Friday. We went to see an exhibition featuring Marc Chagall drawings, and then shopping. I had already in my mind to buy the same model as the dress below, in an acquamarine color (and in a different size).

"You are not going to wear that right?"

"uh yes, why?"

"your arms are too fat"

"Mom - this is a size 8 and I do not even have to pull by belly in to zip it - I don't think it's necessary to make dramas"

"I still don't think you should wear it - and it doesn't make sense to buy it, why don't you just wear the old one?"

"Because the old one (size 4) does not fit any longer - I would need to drop 15kg (33lbs). And Florida is next week and the wedding is on May 15"

"Well I think you can lose 15 kilos in two months"

"Mom are you kidding me? If I lost 15kg while working in 8 weeks, I would die or worse".

Below the original dress, worn at a wedding in Portugal in summer 2017

I cringe at the thought I felt fat. I was not skinny, but compared to now I was a fucking goddess.

not a huge deal?

 Today is one of those day when I feel like hey, it' not a huge deal. Granted, I've let myself become overweight, but now I'm taking the matter into my hands and drop the weight. I've done it in the past and I will do it again. Hell, I've heard that even eminem got to 100kg at some point and then dropped the weight, and he's 10 years older than I am after all.

The problem in this is always that I tend to have this optimistic feelings only right after breakfast. The will may last for a few days, but to lose the weight I have gained it would take months.

and yet, sometimes I see a reflection in a mirror with the corner of my eye, and it still catches me by surprise to see I'm fat. 

in my dreams I'm always skinny, just like I used to be. I'm not always young, but I'm always skinny - I'll never get over this

All my life I've been waiting

for you to bring a fairytale my way

but living in a fantasy without meaning..

..it's not okay, I don't feel safe

(Anastacia)

I hate the way you lie

 Two things I'm so tired of.

Watching Husband that keeps smoking and smoking and the daily drinking. Even worse, knowing how, each time I'm not there, he'll completely drop limits and get wasted.

(by the way, who the hell still smokes in 2022???)

The times he start mansplaining things or even worse tells me I know shit and dismisses what I'm talking about.

This morning I'm so pissed off I may even restrict eating for a while.

But you'll always be my hero, even thought you've lost your mind (...)

..in this tug of war you'll always win, even when I'm right

I miss Eminem