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Alejandro came over last night, and from the moment he stared at my body, I knew I was lost.

“Lucy. You are so beautiful. Your face, your hair... your body. I could stare at your body for hours, it’s just… flawless”

Alejandro, who could totally belong to a male thinspo, was just as usual: perfect tan, perfect waxed legs, his three tattoos in their places, his abs discreetly peeking, his pecs showing just as I like, not too much, not too little. His soft skin, his hands on my face.

“I missed you so much Alejandro”

“Me too Lucy. You have no clue”

Fast forward – two hours later

“I want you so bad. It’s been years, Lucy. You know that with no one else it is like with you”

“What about tomorrow? What if next week I want you again?”

“I’ll be there each time you’ll want me, you know that. I made a promise to you, years ago, and I’ll keep it forever”

“I know you will. But it wouldn’t be fair”

“I’d never cheat. But you… You came first. You came before my girlfriend. Mostly, the alchemy we share… I will never give you up. I tried, and I have never managed to. I’m going to kiss you now, and I’m going to do all I want to do. Just tell me to stop if that’s what you want, and I’ll let go”

...

We both cried out, loud. We both cried for more, until there was no more. It was as good as in my souvenirs, maybe even better.

(I was extremely thankful both my neighbors are on vacation)

When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer,

I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there

In the midnight hour I can feel your power

Just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing,

I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Feels like flying

I close my eyes, Oh God: I think I’m falling!

Last, but not least, stats:

120.8lbs

BMI: 19.19

What I've done

Last Friday, while fasting, Steve IMed me
Steve: “You in town tonite?”
Lucy: “Yup, cause I’m working tomorrow. Wanna hang out?”
S: “Am super pissed. Work sucks. Prepare your liver, we’re getting drunk”

Huh ho, I thought, I’m not getting THAT drank because I’m working tomorrow, but hell I DO wanna go out!

We both worked late, and at 10PM we met on the way to out favourite pub, where Steve ordered the first round of beers before I even walked in. the night was hot, kids were partying because the school is over, we got a table outdoor and started drinking and sharing stories about our respective weeks. I shared my concerns about Boyfriend and how I didn’t meet Alejandro, and Steve, being Steve, said I am a train wreck.
“Steve, be honest with me. You are a man, and I remember very well what you told me about your friend stag that you attended three weeks ago. Is my boyfriend getting laid in this very moment?”
“Not necessarily, stop being a train wreck, it depends on him”
“Why aren’t you looking at me in the eyes while you’re telling me this?”

Then we moved the discussion to his week: he told me he got a job interview for the London office (he would like to go there for 2 years), and I said I’m glad for him but sad for me. As I explained before, I do think that I’d be way more miserable in the office if Steve wasn’t a part of it. Steve was indeed stressed and angry, and had only started chilling, so he started saying that everything will change anyway once Boyfriend moves in, and I was a bit hurt, so I said sure, I won’t hang out THAT much anymore, but it would be just the same if HE had a girlfriend, and he agreed I was right. Then he really started chilling, ordered food, didn’t even insist that I eat (because I did not eat, at least), and we kept ordering beers.

Blame the night, blame the heat, blame the beer. I knew I needed a man, and Steve was there for me. We kept hugging, moved to another pub (closer to my place), kissed, danced, he took me on his lap, and then... I passed out.

I wasn’t even drunk, just hypoglycemic. Luckily I knew it was going to happened, and managed to tell him “Hold me tight because I’m falling”. And I passed out. Luckily, I came back pretty quickly, and he blamed it on the booze. But the truth is, he had had shots and was way more drunk than I was. So at 4AM we walked home and I thought he was way too drunk to go home alone, and I wouldn’t manage to walk to his place and back, so I told him to shut his big mouth and to sleep at my place.

Of course, we both ended more or less naked during several phases of the night, but no real sex happened. Sure, Steve tried hitting on me at various moments, but we spent most of the night hugging tightly. Lord, how I needed a little tenderness! I mean, he even gave me an awesome back massage early in the morning! And then I showered and went to work (which was hard, because booze without food and not even 3 solid hours of sleep….) and left him sleeping at my place.

I cannot say I regret it. I felt good, I felt protected, I felt desired. I know it was wrong, towards Boyfriend, towards Steve and towards me.
I think we can go on with our friendship like it never happened. I just hope I’m not wrong. I mean, later on Saturday he stopped by at the office to give me my keys, and we talked later on the phone because I had some issues at work, and we were normal.
I AM NOT SORRY.
Call me a bitch if you want.

PS I ended up fasting 30 hours, than I went home to see the parents and had to eat. But I’m fasting again this week, I'm probably starting tonight!


UPDATE: I started fasting, and the lovely Marcus is in as well! Join us, skinnies!!

Excuse my bitterness, who's fasting with me?

(Post written on Thursday evening)

So, what are the plans for the weekend? Oh, yes, I’m missing the small birthday party Bro was throwing for me (not Keith of course, my other Bro). Just a nice BBQ with friends, possibly the Pirate. I guess most peopledon’t attend their own birthday party because they spend the weekend working, huh?
The Boyfriend is attending his best friend stag this weekend. In Budapest.
Do I need to be more explicit or are we clear that I’m going to work all weekend while he’s getting laid in Budapest?
I always suffered competition with chicks for Eastern Europe. It’s easy: guys who like me are into girls with blond hair, fair skin, blue eyes (yes, tall, because hey, I come from Italy, so taller than 5’6 is tall here).
So he’s getting laid in Budapest.
I’m home alone.

So I fasted all day, and then I shot an email to my skinny Alejandro, hot like Mexico friend with benefits. I thought what the hell, if Boyfriend is getting laid by some slut at a stupid stag, I can get laid by my dear slim Alejandro, can’t I? Boyfriend would never know anyway.
Of course I didn’t exactly wrote “Hey, booty call, bring your ass to my place pronto!”.
It was more on the lines of “Hey, wanna grab a beer Friday/Saturday night?”
So I cannot blame anyone but myself if Alejandro answered that he’s sorry, but he’s going to the sea for the weekend. I should have told him I was waiting for him naked and hot. How the hell should he understand that he’s getting lucky, when we haven’t had real sex in 4 years? And of course I cannot possibly tell him about the stag, because well, it’s none of his business.

Oh, needless to say, I binged after getting his answer.
And of course, I’m such a lousy bitch I cannot wait for Alejandro to come on Monday night. Because by then, Boyfriend won’t be in Budapest anymore, and I would feel too guilty. Fuck me, why am I so dumb?

Friday morning update:125lbs. Fuck me.

Friday 4PM (Western Europe time): I'm starting a fast. For as long as I can. Anyone joining me?

Rejection

I know, I said I would have talked about the exes popping out, but my mind is on something else today
Alejandro did not come to pay the visit he had promised last week.
It was fine, because Thursday night I came home from work at 10PM, and left again at 6AM on Friday, so I was exhausted. He called on Thursday afternoon, and said he was busy with work and tired, and I said fine, then he promised he would swing by on Monday or Tuesday. It’s been a while since we last met, so I was looking forward to it. He sent me a couple text later Thursday evening, apologizing again and reiterating his promise to come by early this week.

He did not come or call, and I really feel rejected.
I know it’s silly, but that’s the way I feel. It’s just because he feels so compelled to make promises, and then he doesn’t keep them. Last night I could have called and told him to bring his lousy ass to my place, and he would have done it. But I don’t wanna be clingy. It’s not just with Alejandro: I’m like that with most of my friends. I want them to seek me. And nobody did it over the last two or three days. This makes Alejandro’s silence way worse.

So Matilda wondered about our relationship. The truth is, I cannot trust Alejandro as a boyfriend, I never could, and I could not rely on him. I mean, let’s face it, over the last 6 years he cheated on every single girlfriend he had. And I know it for sure, since he’s cheated on them with me. I’m no saint lovelies. So I think Alejandro would make a lousy version of what I call a boyfriend. And today he also happens to be a lousy friend, but at least he’s RELIABLE as a friend: should I need anything, he’d come over for sure.

Maybe he’s just avoiding me because he knows I’m fat right now. But I will get better. I will.

A slightly positive note: this morning I was 126.1 lbs. It’s not good enough, but at least it’s SOMETHING, a little step in the right direction I guess. I have only eaten soup (not much), spinaches, salad (no sauce) and green apples over the last two days. I’ll try to stick to this regimen.
Take care lovely readers.

Alejandro

Stats: 128.3 lbs
In short, I’m a hopeless whale.

But there’s more to it.
Alejandro is coming over tonight.
Alejandro (who is certainly not to be confused with the Boyfriend) has been my huh, buddy with benefit, from, huh, ahem (this IS embarrassing)… 2003.
Well, I first met him in 2001, but we first kissed (and soon after had sex) in 2003. Back then, he was engaged, and I developed a HUGE crush on him. We were neighbor, and kind of had the most amazing sex ever every night. LOL.
Then I moved on, we lost touch for a couple of months, and finally became really good friend who occasionally (read: every time I’m single (and a few time when I was NOT single, even though I can’t believe I’m confessing that)) sleep together. Because, while our relationship evolved, I’ll never find a better match than Alejandro for what concerns the sack. Oh, just for the records, he never got married (I don’t sleep with married men, although I may do an exception for Alejandro LOL).

But my real point is, Alejandro is well built, muscled and thin (even though a bit short, but still hot). More important, Alejandro likes skinny bitches. The only time he ever told me I needed to stop losing weight, well, I was down to 100lbs, and I must admit my face indeed looked worn. My BMI was somewhere around 13.
Besides that episode, the skinnier I am, the more he can’t keep his hands off from me. And since I’m a bitch, I want him to be all over me even when I’m not going to have sex with him (like today, because hey, I’m in a serious relationship, right?).

So I shall see Alejandro tonight. And I have fat hanging to my bootie like a baby monkey to its mother. Shit.