Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

and what if I did it again?

I do not expect anyone to be reading this from back in 2010. But back then I did drop a lot of weight, managed to reach a healthy BMI for once, with 115 pounds and BMI of 18.2.
I had abs showing
I started dating husband.

On this Sunday morning, while working (of course), writing slides on powerpoint and managing some admin stuff, I suddenly thought: and what if I really did it again? Instead of just blogging, obsessing and complaining. What I mean is, what would change if I did it again?

Beside the obvious joy I mean.
Work-wise, for example, it would not make things easier, quite the contrary. Sad but true, being the "once she was a real hottie" is much easier.


I can't control this flesh and blood
That's wrapped around my bones
It moves beneath me like a river
Into the great unknown

Nel deserto la nave abbandonai
Per me aveva senso
Son stato troppo tempo nella bestia
Ed ora saro libero

Someday we'll live like horses
Free rein from your old iron fences
There's more ways than one to regain your senses
Break out the stalls and we'll live like horses someday

Elton John and Luciano Pavarotti, Live like horses

I abandoned my ship in the desert

It made sense

Too much time being a beast

And now I will be free

The lake

When the night is almost over, she drops randomly, 

folding over and staining the horrors; 

but if you can just get lost next to the lake,

it will sooth you and calm you

until you can no longer breathe.

How beautiful the lights reflected on the water

fooling anyone

And if you want, you can cut it in pieces

It's then that silence throws on the water

the ticking of clocks that are rotting.

Down there you can find that girl, minding her breath and her skirt

As wide and open as floating flowers

She's dancing, she's burning bright, she's feeling

it's not worth it, life is not worth it

because this is Italy

And as such, while the whole country is quarantined,  on a sunny Friday evening at 6PM, a whole nation of 60 million people open their windows and start singing the national hymn, you remember what a crazy beautiful mess this country is.

shut-in

...and we are still here.
The whole country is in shut down; 90% of the time I think this is a pneumonia that spreads a bit more then a flu, and it will never hit healthy people like us.
That it is handed badly, and that this complete quarantine is an absurd situation.

Than I hear about someone I know, someone young and fit and healthy, who is in Intensive Care and I wonder.

After a while I revert to my initial thinking because the alternative, the possibility that this will destroy our civilization is too dramatic even for a drama queen like truly yours.


Positive things:
since I'm crashing at my parents, I can go for long walks in the woods next to the lake. Spring is amazing, there's plenty of flowers growing in the woods, sunny and warm weather - mixed with the quarantine, this means you get to enjoy all the above in a very private way. I love it.

Negative things:
economy went down the drain two weeks ago - it will take us 5 years minimum to recover
as such, I'll never find an easy way out from my current job
my mom keeps cooking and I keep eating. I probably gained 10 pounds already

And suddenly, nothing really matters

And then the Coronavirus came, and the rest no longer matters.

I'm happy and grateful I had planned to spend the weekend at my Parents' place, by the lake, in first place. Then on Friday, when the count of the sick started to rise, I secretly packed both our laptops, chargers, and a few extra changes of clothes.

Luckily, because then everyone panicked and they shut down all offices. On one side we are stranded at the lake, offices closed until further communications, everyone working from home. Which would be a nightmare from our flat in the city - it's too small for the two of us to spend the dy making calls and writing reports at the same time.

The downside is that we'll probably become seriously fat staying here with my family. Don't misunderstand me: I'm honestly grateful that, at such time, I can be with all the most important people I have and they are all in good health (ok Husband so and so, but hopefully it's not THAT).
But we will get fat. Bollocks.