Not good enough

Went trying wedding gown again this morning (work is FINALLY slow, hallelujah!)

Now, don't hate me for speaking the truth.

Trying wedding gowns can be, for people like us, a very taxing experience. Most of the gowns wouldn't fit, the seller couldn't even pull up the zipper, not even with me blowing out all the air in my chest.
Of course the seller is a nice woman, who'll lie straight to your face, telling you that you're beautiful, and she'll pin extra-tissue everywhere, and try to make you feel beautiful.

The fact that I had to pee badly probably didn't help. Nor the fact that my friend who came along (we're getting married the same week, so we go to try gowns together) is far skinnier than I'll ever be. Well, at least we try very different models.

Finally, how can I possibly spare 3000 Euros on a gown I'll wear once in my life? I can't claim I'm poor, I do  have that kind of money after all these years of work, I do have savings. But let's face the truth, I could feed, dress and send to school 20 kids in Nepal for one year with that kind of money. I can't spend it on a wedding gown.

(but I want it badly.
shut up you stupid asshole.
but I really love it.
yeah and you look like a giant pink and white marshmallow with it. If you were skinny, maybe you could splurge on it, but face it, you look like a fucking whale, so forget about it. Buy a premade dress for 100 USD on the net and shut the fuck up)

I must confess I'm not training enough. I keep having a slight temperature that won't go away, and that makes running very difficult.

Try

It's funny how appetite can be deceiving, more than just a couple times..
Where there is food there is gonna be a fail
Where there is a fail someone's bound to feel fat
But just because it hurts it doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try...

(P!nk is always a massive motivation for me)

I did binge over the weekend, but it doesn't matter, because work keeps me so busy I never manage to eat for more than 20 consecutive seconds during the week. So by Wednesday morning I'm always back to pre-weekends weight.

Fitness wise things are not good though - I simply do not have the time. Haven't been on facebook for weeks either, so I feel it's legitimate heck I'm not even posting here! But I still hate it. This weekend I have lined up one solo massive training (sans S) of at least 2.5 hours, and one massive training with S.
In the meanwhile, my old rheumatism is back and I'm hurting like crazy.

I have guests on Saturday for dinner. I'm ccoking meat (so that I cannot eat it). I guess I'll allow myself some wine and mostly I'll stick to weed / coke (depending on what turns the party takes). Don't blame me.. I am hurting after all, and painkillers don't work with empty stomach.

Lots of love to you all!!