San Francisco part II

 "What? no! I mean, it's not that I don't like you, but I didn't have a plan or anything"

I stayed quiet and looked at him

"Why would you ask something like that?"

"Because I don't know your intentions"

"I don't - I - ..." (I am so mean that I smiled, it was good that for once he was the one stammering in a conversation) "I haven't thought about it this way, I just wanted to see you, I think about 24/7.." and then he quieted.

I stood up, took his hand and said "Let's go and walk. I didn't want to make you unease, I was genuinely curios of your motives and am too neurodivergent to figure". He smiled, held my hand and off we went walking. At this point of course he started making fun of me, and we were laughing all the way to the waterside. We got to one of the piers, close to the San Francisco - Oakland bay bridge, that was all alight in the dark, and suddenly we went quiet. I may have shivered (it was getting colder), he got his arm around me and leaned in to kiss me.

I whispered "Mischief you said.." and he backed off, saying "You are right. Let's go back". We walked back to our hotel and went to the bar and got a bottle of white wine and talked until after the bar closed, I think little after midnight. It was surprisingly not awkward, we talked about our spouses, his family, lots of things really. Then he said "I need some sleep ahead of tomorrow meeting" and we went to the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed, he kissed me and this time I could not back-off. He took me to his room and went on kissing me softly. Then suddenly he was backing off, and i said fine but walk me upstairs to my room. Of course he came in and we must have gone on kissing for another hour based on the watch although it seemed like 5 minutes

I have replayed this scene endlessly in my mind and the only way I have come to describe how I felt is: I felt I was sixteen years old again, minus the anxiety.

I said I was going to write the truth, so: at some point I peeled his hands off my ass and placed them on my boobs (braless, like 95% of the times these days - and to be honest, my boobs are my best asset after my hair) and I guess this was crossing an unseen line because he moaned and say "I must go now - call me for breakfast" and left. He texted me a minute later Goodnight (this is how I know it was almost 2 AM).

I think I just stood by the window in the same spot we were together, breathed and watch the bridge for a long moment. Eventually I washed my face, changed into my PJ, drank some water, set the alarm at 5h45AM and went to bed.

I got up that early as I had a videocall for a project at 7AM with an European client, so I did a bit of yoga, showered, washed my hair, braided it, got dressed, started the call, went through it like a champion (allow me this much guys), talked some more to my team in Europe, packed my stuff to be ready to leave later for my flights, and called Mischief who was clearly sleeping. 

I went downstair for breakfast and to my utter horror some of my colleagues were still there. At least I had told one of them that I was staying and meeting a friend! I got a table for two and then went to sit a bit with them while waiting for Mischief, who arrived ten minutes later and then we sat at our table. At least we did not arrive together!!

I was a bit shaky. I ordered yoghurt and granola and almost spit the first spoonful. My inner lower lip was throbbing, and later I realize it looked like a nightmare. I was puzzled, but did not really think much of it, except I was unable to eat anything. We went for a long walk and talked a bit, we even saw a coyote (America is full of wonders). There was a bit of an awkward moment when I slipped my arm in Mischief's and he stepped back saying sorry, I cannot be seen around holding arms, but I shrugged and we went on; Mischief was switching between how we were going to see each other again in the future for sure, and work topics, and then maybe we'll see each other in a year or so (my heart sank). Eventually we went back to the hotel, I got my stuff and started to wonder if he was going to say bye like this as if nothing happened. He walked to to the corner where my Uber was waiting and then hugged me super tight for like three minutes and then kissed me in the middle of the street. Eventually I got into my uber and off to the airport. This was on Thursday early afternoon west coast (night in Europe)

My lip was killing me...

I was dazed and shaky. he kept texting me until I was home in Milan (so basically non stop over the following 20 hours (my connection in Paris was delayed), although I slept a lot on the plane). I could not eat anything until Saturday morning, when luckily I had already scheduled a dentist appointment for a normal check up (I'm doing aligners these days), and then my dentist went on nailing me. She said "This is an allergic reaction, how come you ate something that gave you this and did not end up in ER?"

It suddenly dawned on me that Mischief had had shrimps (I end up into ER if I eat shellfish). I think I blushed a lot and made up some unconvincing story. She gave me a cortisone cream and cut off some tissue and made things better.

And this is it my friends. Mischief texts me and sometimes calls, I have been travelling to Lisbon and Madrid, and am finally back home. He should have called on Sunday night but I was home with husband and asked him not to, as last time I spoke to him my legs were shaking so bad I had to sit for 5 minutes after the call and this even my husband would notice.

Short weight update: I ate too much in Madrid and am now at 66kg (145lbs, or BMI 22.8). 

I'm sorry this post was so long, but I really wanted to spill everything and be done with telling the full story. I do not know where this leaves me, except that I am still fighting for my marriage to work. Mischief is a dream that I will never forget, but such dream lives 10 thousand miles away, and while I'd like to keep dreaming a little longer, I know I'll likely never see him again.

Song for this post: "Don't be so shy" by Imany. Check it out if you don't know it

Amorgos

 "Can we go to Amorgos for a week?"

I am ashamed to say that I've probably asked this question at least once a week over the past two years and a half.

"When would you want to go?" - wait - this is an opening. I think about an answer that would make sense, something that is actually doable.

"Last week of August - the crowds will have left by then, and days are not too short yet"

"Fine, let's do it"

Before her can change his mind I grab my ipad and within 5 minutes I have booked the flight to Mykonos, the fast boat that luck has placed at the perfect time from Mykonos to Amorgos, and the small place they were still building last time we've been there, a small house right on a small cliff by the sea that has private stone steps leading down to the water and a patio right above.

The place I dream to own, the island where I dream to get old and spend the rest of my life.

Amorgos, the dream of The big blue (but I'm sorry lovelies, English is not enough to render Le Grand Bleu, and even if you had seen the French cult movie, you would have seen the silly American version which was changed from the original as the French one lacked a happy ending, and was stripped of half of the poetry in the process).

Amorgos, where the blue is so deep that the sky seems dark. The island that Homer already deemed dry, I've never been so late in the summer: will there be any green left, any water trickling in the valleys? The golden steps of Panagia Hozoviotissa will be there for sure, unchanged.

Will I be able to come back?

not a huge deal?

 Today is one of those day when I feel like hey, it' not a huge deal. Granted, I've let myself become overweight, but now I'm taking the matter into my hands and drop the weight. I've done it in the past and I will do it again. Hell, I've heard that even eminem got to 100kg at some point and then dropped the weight, and he's 10 years older than I am after all.

The problem in this is always that I tend to have this optimistic feelings only right after breakfast. The will may last for a few days, but to lose the weight I have gained it would take months.

and yet, sometimes I see a reflection in a mirror with the corner of my eye, and it still catches me by surprise to see I'm fat. 

in my dreams I'm always skinny, just like I used to be. I'm not always young, but I'm always skinny - I'll never get over this

All my life I've been waiting

for you to bring a fairytale my way

but living in a fantasy without meaning..

..it's not okay, I don't feel safe

(Anastacia)

Derailed rumblings of an M&A consultant

Last week we finalized the purchase of the flat.

We'll be moving in within 2 months - we need to have some changes done in the inside, and we have already ordered furniture.

I am looking forward to that, but I'm so exhausted that I have a hard time thinking that I shall move utilities to the new house. Work has really been overwhelming and, from an emotional standpoint, draining. It seems I might be making it to equity partner in June - please do not cheer, it's too early.

Meanwhile, I won a huge engagement for my top client, the same one I mentioned in the post "Sometimes" back in September.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, they call me every other month or so for a quick chat. It gets awkward over time, because I'm less and less part of their lives. I never was really, I know little of their life outside work. Sometimes the project lasts for years, and it's harder to let go, even for me. Sometimes there is even a new project, and suddenly they realize that when this one will be over, we'll probably never see each other again. And you end up with bleary eyes on both sides, because you'll miss each other.

 Trouble is, the corporation is the same, but V (he) is not officially involved this time. Working for them has always been draining, but the upside was working with him. Now that he's officially not involved, this project has been a mess so far and promises to get worse.

So after talking to him about twice a week over the phone for the last 2 months, we went out for drinks. As soon as I stepped into the wine bar and saw V, I knew it was a mistake. I don't care I said in past I don't think he's an attractive man, it was like a pheromones path led straight to him. The conversation kept derailing between work and personal matters. I don't even know how I ended in his arms outside the bar, my eyes searching his ones, knowing I was going to regret this but practically begging for him to kiss me.

I woke up all grumpy at my sister in law house and the dream was so vivid I spend the morning wondering about him, stalking V's wife social media profiles and finally sending him a message on whatsapp (about professional matters). V is in London, we are in lockdown, I've certainly not been outside a bar without a mask, nor inside any batr at night, for the past 4\217986\287963947194\834629\7 years or at least that's what it feels like, and I'm certainly not involved with V.

By lunch time I was all over my husband, in love with him to the moon and back.

Night falls and V calls me. The conversation sticks to professional matters for the most, and he tells me a number of things that spark my anxiety. Finally he says the new company they'll incorporate will be based in London but operating in Milan and I ask him if he's moving back to ITaly or not, and he says he'll stay in London. Which is probably for the best.

Next week I have my final interview for the equity partnership admission process. IF that goes well, I'll have to fork out €100,000 in July . not sure where I'm going to find this kind of money considering how much I've thrown into the new flat but we'll see.

 

Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

and what if I did it again?

I do not expect anyone to be reading this from back in 2010. But back then I did drop a lot of weight, managed to reach a healthy BMI for once, with 115 pounds and BMI of 18.2.
I had abs showing
I started dating husband.

On this Sunday morning, while working (of course), writing slides on powerpoint and managing some admin stuff, I suddenly thought: and what if I really did it again? Instead of just blogging, obsessing and complaining. What I mean is, what would change if I did it again?

Beside the obvious joy I mean.
Work-wise, for example, it would not make things easier, quite the contrary. Sad but true, being the "once she was a real hottie" is much easier.


I can't control this flesh and blood
That's wrapped around my bones
It moves beneath me like a river
Into the great unknown

Nel deserto la nave abbandonai
Per me aveva senso
Son stato troppo tempo nella bestia
Ed ora saro libero

Someday we'll live like horses
Free rein from your old iron fences
There's more ways than one to regain your senses
Break out the stalls and we'll live like horses someday

Elton John and Luciano Pavarotti, Live like horses

I abandoned my ship in the desert

It made sense

Too much time being a beast

And now I will be free

Faithless

The fact that waking up at 61.3kgs (135pounds) and finding it's the lowest weight I've been over the past two years or so is freaking depressing.

The fact that I've dropped 6.4kgs from the beginning of December is a bit more cheering

The fact that Hubby has dropped 4 kilos without trying since Monday is fucking depressing. Poor Hubby had nose surgery on Monday and he's bee living on ice cream since. Had I done that, I would have gained 4 kilos instead of dropping LOL

However I'm overall on a good path. I've set up a routine that is, overall, relatively easy to follow.
I have protein shake for beakfast
skip lunch
eat chicken and veggis for dinner, or tuna and veggies. Sometimes I throw in some tzatziki.
I avoid wine unless on Fridays
I binge on saturday night and sunday lunch and than go back to routine

I still look and am fat. I hope to reach 59kg before vacation (3 weeks from now). Since I'll spend one week working from my parents' place all alone, maybe I'll manage (I have to stay there when they are on vacation, to be easily within reach of my grand mother and take care of her in mornings - she's 97 and lives on her own, but when parents are away it's up to me to shower her and shop for her).

I know how idiotic this sounds, but if I manage to drop 2kg in the next three weeks, this may kind of restore a little bit of faith in myself. Over the past 6 months, I haven't believed for a single second I can achieve anything in life anymore.


Lastly, I changed hair color, having it faded from bronde on the crown to caramel blond, with blond highlights in front. Still unsure about it, but IF I drop the desired weight I might post pics from my vacation

Hot and bothered

The real issue with being married and loving your man, is you can no longer tell your dirty secrets to anyone.
Because it would be betraying your marriage somehow.

And so I'm home alone, Hub's on the other side of the planet, and I'm hot, bothered and frustrated with my dreams, and... I cannot vent with anyone.
Someone mentioning today in a Whatsapp chat my unsuccessfully hitting on Vi 13 years ago did not cheer me up either. A group chat in which Vi is included of course.
And his body is probably not as hot as it looked in my dreams anyway


Well Husband'll be back tomorrow finally, so I guess I'd better just suck it up and try and forget this stupid dreams.

On a positive note, I worked like hell all week and being alone I never had dinner (and sometimes skipped lunch). Hopefully I'll get to see some improvements soon.


I've also been unofficially confirmed I'll be made non equity partner - official communication should come in at the end of the month.
I guess I'm just too tired to really cheer - after all I've been working 18 days straight, most days >12h.

Missing Wolverine

In sleep he works with me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me
and speaks my name
and do I dream again?
For now I find
Wolverine my boss is here
inside my mind


Dreamed of Wolverine (my ex-boss, here) three times over the last 4 days.

A sign? Dunno. I sure miss him at work. Stockholm syndrome? totally.

Sand in my brains

I go on like a robot, dragging myself to work every morning, going to the gym, smiling and answering kindly. Something's wrong, many things are wrong, and I don't know where to start in order to do some spring cleaning in this mess. And then like a ray of light I realize I long so badly for being in Nepal. For spending days away from the frantic, from the smog, from the telephones and emails. Where the soul would be in harmony with the body Where the fat wouldn't matter so much The friends are moving abroad, one by one, they've been doing that for years. I'm the only one who came back. As they leave, my loneliness increases, becoming more and more intoxicating.

Namasté. I'm back, but where is my shadow?

On October 4, I left Italy and flew to Kathmandu, via Delhi.

I left in the form of an ugly cow (not a sacred one), with my awful 135lbs and 21.4BMI (61.2kg).

I decided I had to live this journey, and I mean to really live it and stop thinking about my body.

It was a physical and spiritual journey, hiking almost 200km, from 800mt to 5416mt, walking through the Himalayan peaks that surround the Annapurna, walking with people from many countries.

We started from the rain forest, surrounded by huge butterflies and monkeys, walked through higher woods, where a musk deer suddenly crossed our path one morning at dawn, reached the pine trees, where long donkey caravans carried all kind of objects.

Then we've seen the Tibetan refugees harvesting buckwheat in the sunset, while we made prayer wheels spin, we hiked more, where no more trees grew and yaks are bred, and then climbed up until we reached the ice.

Finally, after the pass at 5.416 (Thorong La), we started the descent through Mustang and the Kali Gandaki, walked some more through a sand storm, and then, it was over.

I will post some pics, but it will take 10 days or so before I get them.

I did lose a little (am currently 132.9lbs, BMI 21.1 (60.3kg), but I think I also gained some muscle weight.

S is moving back from London at some point around the end of November.

In the meanwhile, we all know what I need to do, n'est ce pas?

PS Marcus, did you erase the blog or something? I miss you my friend.

Skinny past

I’m never tired of writing it: once upon a time, I was skinny. For real.

What never occurred me is, back when I was skinny, I was a real puta! Really guys, it never occurred me before. Now that I’m fat, I realize this depended on two factors:

- men used to hit on me all the time

- I was more confident in my skinny body than I am now in my fatty one.

(Thinking about it now, those days I should have worn a T-shirt à la David Guetta with a good slogan such as “FUCK ME, I’m Skinny!”).

I mean, let’s face it. I always thought Steve was a bit of a man-whore, and I recently found out I’ve had sex with more people he did (when I say I found out, it means, I found out and he didn’t, thanx god!).

I always thought that I was an average girl (I’m 28 and I’ve slept with circa 30 guys) dating prude guys (lol), but finding out that even Steve is less experienced than I am… Well, all I can say is, not displaying the full whore-mode when we first started dating was, in retrospect, a genius moves on my side!

Just to be clear, I haven’t slept with anyone but Steve and the ex over the last 5 years (and Alejandro, but I’d never admit this to anyone I know, plus he was an ex from the past so that shouldn't really count).

(all in all the saddest thing is, in my dreams I’m still the skinny bitch I was 10 years ago. Always. I never dream of fat Lucy, not even in nightmares. And when I look into the mirror, I still expect Lucy’s Shadw to stare back of me. Instead, it’s always fat Lucy)

Anyway, enough of my (past) sluttiness.

The thing is, girls, I’ve been busy and overworked, I may still be, but I’m back on the wagon.

Weighted 132.3lbs (60kg) on Monday morning, but I am back in control, with 129.9lbs (58.9kg) this morning and starting the Sacred Heart diet once again (I already prepared the soup last night + I hit the gym this morning after 15 days of laziness). A bit old-fashioned maybe, but the sacred heart diet always worked for me.

So, fuck fad diet haters, I’m going to rock it. I’ll need all your support girls!!

PS: Why am I not fasting? Well, I don’t feel ready for a real fast, and I lack the right motivation. I lack my all times favorite fast buddy, the great Marcus. But alas, Marcus went to university in autumn and has been MIA since. I hope you’re happy and skinny Marcus, but you are missed.