Shopping!

On Saturday morning Steve had to see is brothers and dropped me off at a mall.
BIG MISTAKE: I practically burnt my american express.
I didn't really buy clothes, because I felt bloated, but I got a scarf



some lingerie from Tezenis (girls, check out the new extra padded bra collection! I've been somewhere between a cup B and C for my whole adult life, but that thing is AMAZING!!), books, socks for Steve, and some lipstick...

Saturday night was good, I got plenty of compliments on my black dress (since it's low cut, the new bra was amazing!) but of course I ate way too much over the weekend. This week should finally be a little less demanding at work, so I'm planning some detox diet and a lot of gym (I started on the good way by hitting the gyum this morning).

How are you lovelies? I hope you all have a good week!

Longing for something different

The work trip to Germany represented all I want to stay away from: beer, fat food, carbs and lots of sexism.

Last night I had a nightmare, in which Steve dumped me calling me a fat cow. Steve, in the real world, thinks I am thin (how silly and lovely he can be).


Over last weekend, surrounded by spring at the lake, everything seemed achievable.
Driving towards the city's smog on Sunday night, melancholy came back inevitably. I can't stand this life anymore, and yet I can't seem to move forward. I want so badly to get married, and yet, I wonder when did I become so desperate about this?


I am planning next journey to Nepal, October 2012. Will I be strong enough to come back from there? I long for a life spent walking in the trees, crossing mountains, with only basic food and no temptations, where pleasure is achieved by laying in sun reading a book or stepping into a warm water spring to wash away the dirt from your skin.
Gokyo lakes, Cho La, Kala Pattar, the mystical Tengboche. Skinny boys and girls wearing the monks red robes.

I'll try fasting over a couple of days, maybe it will smooth my edgy feelings.

I don't need your civil war!

..and I don't feel fine.

part of the division I work in is leaving. Not as in a spin off: each Director and Partner is seeking a different job on their own.
The problem is, our division is deeply fractured by an internal civil war.
The problem is, I belong to the part that has lost the war and that is leaving.

I didn't chose side: they simply started planning me on their jobs (Wolverine especially), and then the others started thinking that I belonged to Wolverine and eventually I was "marked".
This was okay in the past, I mean, my choice would have been different but I did find my place so I thought it would work.
But now Wolverine and his gang are dropping dead like flies at the end of the summer, and I don't know what will become of me.

(remind yourself, that you can't trust freedom when it's not in your hands
and everybody's fighting for their promised land!
I don't need your civil war!!!
It feeds the rich, while it buries the poor!
...look at the leaders we follow,
look at the lies we swallowed)


Luckily, Steve belongs to the other side, so at least the risk is balanced.
But I really don't know what I'm going to do. This happens with the worst possible timing: the job market here is non existent right now.


On a more positive note, Wolverine prepared me a new training schedule which is VERY hard, but so far I'm managing to stick to it. There it goes:

Day 1 - 10km running at 10.5km/hour. No stops allowed
Day 2 - 2km warm up; 10 times 400mt at 12.5km/hour, with intervals of 1minute and 30 seconds between each 400mt, walking at fast pace (6-6.5km/hour)
Day 3 - two times 5km or 3 times 3km, at 11.5km/hour.
Extra day: 1 hour of cardio

Let's hope this will boost my metabolism.
Weight is stable. At least I'm not gaining. Am kinda worried about Xmas, but I really hope to manage to put in some extra training sessions.

Time

It's awfully slow, but it's progress.

I'm at 134.9 (61.2kg). Disgusting I know, but still a tiny bit less disgusting than 138.

Work is awful again, I'm working with a two faced bitch for over 14 hours a day.

Luckily I'm leaving tonight for London - can't wait to be in Steve's arms.

In 32 days I'll be leaving for Nepal - goal weight for that date: 128lbs (still fat, but it's just a first goal).

Time flies, I can't believe summer's over, I can't believe September only has 4 weekend, I would need at least 7 weekends to do all I have to do. Still, weekends = weight gain, so that's a good thing there aren't too many I guess

Will update more next week - right now I'm really out of time

Tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me

Every year, for some reasons, I’m miserable for my birthday. It’s usually one of the worst weeks of the year.

Mostly, my family makes me miserable. They don’t mean to, yet they manage to make me cry every year. It’s true, I always say my bday isn’t a big deal to me, but hell, of course I’m lying. I do it because back in my teenage things used to go so wrong that deep down I’m still afraid of celebrations.

Steve will be away, since my birthday’s on Wednesday. That’s bad enough, but at least he’s flying in for the weekend. I asked him to take his Friday off, so we could spend a long weekend at my parents’ place by the lake, but when he bought the ticket he forgot, so our weekend will basically last one day and a half.

Bro promised long ago to arrange BBQ at his place on Saturday night with friends. When I called him on Saturday, to compliment him about his performance on a national regatta, I asked him about details. The answer? “Oh, I totally forgot. Sorry Sis, I’m working on Saturday, so that can’t be done”. I didn’t complain but it hurt like hell.

Finally, after planning the weekend with my parents, last night dad told me they’re leaving for a short trip on Wednesday and they probably won’t be home before Sunday night (we’re leaving on Sunday at noon, since Steve’s got his flight on Sunday afternoon).

Sorry if I’m childish, but I do feel neglected.

But the truth is, the worst thing is there’s only one thing that would really make me happy. The only gift I want is for Steve to ask me. And this is not going to happen.

Oh, also, Dad had something to tell me last night, after we went running 4 miles. He said I need to drop weight pronto. He said I look awful, that I’m at my worst ever and that I need to stop eating right now. And of course he’s right, but it kinda hurts when people you love feel that they need to say it, doesn’t it?

Maybe I shouldn't take love for granted. Maybe they just don't love me anymore because I'm ugly. And after all, I should have known it. Nobody loves failures.

One of these days

Today is one of these days in which I think Mum may be right and I'm probably going to die still being a spinster.

Today I am so fat I don't even care that I have three spots on the left side of my face, because nobody will notice them since the attention will be on my monstrous legs anyway.

Today everything good is so far away, Steve, the weekend, my cat...

Today I'm so sick with allergies I'll probably spend more time sneezing and coughing than working.

Today I hate my fucking fat self.

But I love you all.

Well, well, well

I had my wisdom tooth taken out on Friday, and it didn't go very well.

But the good news is, I still can eat very few things, and I lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) since Thursday.

So this morning the scale told me 59.5kg (131.2lbs). BMI: 20.8, for the first time in 2011 below 21.

Not my goal of course, but a good start in the right direction.

The only problem is, my face looks like someone spent hours kicking it like a foot-ball.

Also, I have been training hard over the last two months for my annual mountaineering ski tour with my father, this year from Verbier to Saas Fee starting March 11.

However, both my vacations for the week of March 11 and for Easter have been cancelled at work, so right now things suck badly.

Once again, Steve's furious because he has taken days off and bought an expensive ticket to come here for Easter. And he's right, this is totally unfair.

However, Wolverine (my director) said "You can't expect to take days off AND be promoted to Manager". So what can I possibly do?

Wolverine is going to kill me

Let's start from the good things: I trained hard both yesterday and this morning.

That's all.

The bad things now.

Steve's flying to see me tonight, and we both took the next two days off from work, to have some quality time, arrange the painters that need to re-paint my flat, a job interview (him, not me unluckily), get out of the city for two days and so on.

Wolverine, my boss, just canceled my days off, so I'll have to stay and work. Needless to say, Steve's furious.

The only good thing is, I'm working 14 hours a day and skipping meal after meal. I just had a cup of strawberry for lunch today (air for breakfast).

Let's hope this will start to show at some point, so far I'm still a fat whale at 134,9lbs (61,2kg).

Fuck my life....

Skinny past

I’m never tired of writing it: once upon a time, I was skinny. For real.

What never occurred me is, back when I was skinny, I was a real puta! Really guys, it never occurred me before. Now that I’m fat, I realize this depended on two factors:

- men used to hit on me all the time

- I was more confident in my skinny body than I am now in my fatty one.

(Thinking about it now, those days I should have worn a T-shirt à la David Guetta with a good slogan such as “FUCK ME, I’m Skinny!”).

I mean, let’s face it. I always thought Steve was a bit of a man-whore, and I recently found out I’ve had sex with more people he did (when I say I found out, it means, I found out and he didn’t, thanx god!).

I always thought that I was an average girl (I’m 28 and I’ve slept with circa 30 guys) dating prude guys (lol), but finding out that even Steve is less experienced than I am… Well, all I can say is, not displaying the full whore-mode when we first started dating was, in retrospect, a genius moves on my side!

Just to be clear, I haven’t slept with anyone but Steve and the ex over the last 5 years (and Alejandro, but I’d never admit this to anyone I know, plus he was an ex from the past so that shouldn't really count).

(all in all the saddest thing is, in my dreams I’m still the skinny bitch I was 10 years ago. Always. I never dream of fat Lucy, not even in nightmares. And when I look into the mirror, I still expect Lucy’s Shadw to stare back of me. Instead, it’s always fat Lucy)

Anyway, enough of my (past) sluttiness.

The thing is, girls, I’ve been busy and overworked, I may still be, but I’m back on the wagon.

Weighted 132.3lbs (60kg) on Monday morning, but I am back in control, with 129.9lbs (58.9kg) this morning and starting the Sacred Heart diet once again (I already prepared the soup last night + I hit the gym this morning after 15 days of laziness). A bit old-fashioned maybe, but the sacred heart diet always worked for me.

So, fuck fad diet haters, I’m going to rock it. I’ll need all your support girls!!

PS: Why am I not fasting? Well, I don’t feel ready for a real fast, and I lack the right motivation. I lack my all times favorite fast buddy, the great Marcus. But alas, Marcus went to university in autumn and has been MIA since. I hope you’re happy and skinny Marcus, but you are missed.

Bank Holiday fast

I’m fat.

I ate like a shark over the weekend.

Now it’s holiday in Italy and I am working. I was away, in a different city but I came home last night. There’s no one I know in my city in these days. Nobody to go out, catch a drink, grab some food together.

As a consequence, I realized the best thing to do is fasting. I started last night liquid fast hopefully until Wednesday at lunch (the Parents may be coming to visit to see the Christmas decorations in the city). If they don’t come, I’ll skip the gym and fast ‘till Friday night.

And then I’ll fly to London, to see my love.

I know I keep bragging about our love, but I still haven’t written the essential.

He asked me to marry him.

I said yes. The only condition is, I’ll only marry him once he moves back.

But I woke up and did weight myself, and I’m 125.7 lbs (57.0kg). Fffffuck, can I possibly get married this fat?

No way. So I’m fasting.

I really want to spend the rest of my life with Steve. I love him, he loves me. We are not perfect, and we both know it but that’s okay. Because Mr Perfect does not exist. He’s Mr. I’m In Love With, and that’s way more than I’ve experienced in a very long time.

I love you all sweeties. I’m sorry I’ve been blogging so randomly, being away is always complicated. I keep reading you. You are the best!

A bit of Christmas thisnpiration

How could anyone not love Alessandra? Impossible, the bitch's just too lovely

Life sucks, and then you get fat

Ouch, I have done it again.

Binged last night, while I had been doing well over the last few days.

I had lost almost 3lbs, now I’m back to 124.5 (56.5kg). No one else to blame, it’s all my fault.

The reason I do this to myself is simple: I am awfully unhappy. I miss Steve and work is hell on earth. Now I just found out that on Monday and Tuesday, when Steve will be here, I will be sent away for work. Needless to say, Steve works as much as I do, so he doesn’t even have the time to talk to me.

So I’m on my own on this: an old buddy of mine (used to be my boss ages ago) wants me to join his company. It’s a start-up, but he’s offering me def. better money than I’m doing now. And of course, should thing work well for him, I’d be in from the beginning (he set up the business at the end of last year). Yet, should things turn bad for him… in this economy.. what would I do? Oh, and of course we’re talking about a 65+ hours a week kind of job.

The truth is I hate changing job, I hate the stress that comes with it, but it may be time to show some guts and do it.

I cannot change the “Steve is so far away” situation, can I? Also, being so unhappy doesn’t help. I cannot stop thinking how better things would be if he was here. He’s putting a lot of pressure on me ‘cause he’d want me in London, but there is no way I’m moving. And since I’m an awful bitch, I’m afraid at some point I will start resenting him for not being here with me. Because in the end, let’s face it: he chose London over me.

So my life sucks right now. And I’m fat.

Great huh?

Stuck into the rut

I gained even more. I woke up at 125.8 this morning. I felt numb.

Weight loss competition, huh? Mother spent the weekend criticizing each piece of my wardrobe always saying I’m too fat or that I need a bigger size (which is exactly the same).

Thanx Mother, it’s always nice to feel loved.

So I binged like a mad cow yesterday. Very reasonable, huh?

I’m sticking to fruits and raw veggies until Friday night (and coffee of course, but since I have it unsweetened, that doesn’t add up). I need to get back in control, just like I was in July.

The thing is, work has been really depressing lately. Mother keeps making sneaky comments. Keith, my eldest bro, moved back to our country, and is so busy screwing his girlfriend he hasn’t yet found time to see me. Steve is away and keeps putting pressure on me because he’s miserable and wants me to move to London (which is simply not going to happen because I can’t and don’t want to move abroad anymore).

I need to hit the gym harder, to fast, to feel I’m in control. Also, I need to clean up my place, I started last night (after bingeing). I need to seriously think about work: what am I going to do? Keep up with this, or look for something else (no clue what I could do other than this by the way)?

I need to see a skinny bitch staring back at me when I look into the mirror.

Back to life, so in love

Well, I’ve been in London and things with Steve were… just great.

I’m so in love with him, he seems so in love with me, sometimes when we hug I feel tears of joy streaming from my eyes.

The distance, especially after spending 24/7 together for months, is really tough. Luckily, he’s flying to see me in 8 days, and he’ll be staying for 4 nights. But I know, enough romance!

As for the weight, well, I haven’t behaved as I should have (of course) but I still managed to drop a tiny little and am currently 123.2 lbs (55.9kg). I, however, fear next weekend at home, when we’ll be celebrating Mum and Granny’s birthday. Also, I need to have a serious talk to Mum about weight, because she needs open her eyes and go back to restricting pronto! Damn, 10 years ago Mother dropped 18kg (almost 40lbs), and she’s tiny!

And now, well, let’s say over the last year, she gained back maybe 7-8kg, and it’s such a shame!

So I want to try to talk her into a bit of pre-Christmas weight-loss competition. We’ll see how she takes it…

Growing up..

One of the biggest advantages of ageing is the way you live your love relationships.

One may thing teenage love, with all the drama involved, evolves, but it’s not true. Life does. So at 28, you get to live a relationship in a more natural, smooth way. You most likely move in together and your man gets to know you actually have hair on your legs that require a painful maintenance. He gets to know that you poo, that you own period underwear, that at the end of a long working day your armpits smell: in short, that you are human.

And that’s great! Because really, your love life gets to a much higher level of intimacy, and everything is smoother.

And then your man moves to another country, and all you get are weekend visits, and you get back to the crazy loop, where you think that, since you get to see each other only once in a while, he needs to see the perfect you. And so you get crazy again with waxing, manicure and that stuff. And you crazily get a haircut on Friday afternoon, right before hopping on a plane, because you feel insecure because he never has time for you anymore because he’s working too much.

And of course that bitch of a hairdresser fucks up everything and gives you curls when you asked for straight hair. And you look like you shoved your fingers into a plug and got 220 volts straight to your hair.

Needless to say, your boyfriend will work too late to get to Gatwick to meet you. Of course you will have to get on your own to his new place.

And of course, you’re fucking fat, because you are a failure (fuck, you even ate chocolate cake at lunch: who the hell does that??). And that’s why he doesn’t have time to talk to you on the phone or come and get you.

Because you’re a failure, and what’s worse is you cannot possibly hope that you’ll be better when you grow up because you’re fucking 28, and you have already grown.

Into a huge, fat failure.

I can't explain it...

Stop telling me you miss me too much. Stop saying life ain’t beautiful without me by your side. Because I didn’t leave: you did.

I miss a little bit the air of that nights,

Or even just the soft skin of your back.

And that clock would never turn,

Just like me it was watching you.

I never cry about you,

I’ll never do such a thing, no, never..

Okay I confess,

I do think about you,

But I just move on

You cannot touch me anymore.

But then, I was thinking how useless it is,

believing I’m fine when winter is coming,

and you take away your warm hands,

you don’t hug me, don’t tell me how great I am.

Those memories that make me live through many things…

Flats, books, newspapers, things that are worthless

but allow you to go on dreaming…

Forgive me, I’d never want to put you in distress,

but can you tell me how this can be over?

I can’t explain it myself….

(adapted from this)

PS: 123.9lbs. Small steps, at least in the right direction

Missing

I’m back.

It was beautiful. But I don’t want to talk about it now, I’ll do it Tomorrow.

For once, my biggest fear is not the scale. I still haven’t weighted myself (I’ll do it tomorrow morning). My biggest fear is facing the emptiness of my flat.

Steve has moved to London while I was away.

Not only I’m back to a spinster-ish lifestyle. I’ve also lost the friend I could always count on for drinks, or for a late night herbal tea. I cannot anymore hope on my bike and reach my best friend at any time. Because my best friend, my favorite coworker, my love, my everything went away.

And now I have to face it.

Ask me to wear white for you, and I'll be yours forever

This body? I'd kill to have it!

Instead of asking me, he's leaving in 5 days. And I'm hopelessly in love.

A few nights ago he said "When in ten months we'll still be in love as we are now, we shall get married".

My hair looks just like that. How come my body DOESN'T?

Scenes from last weekend

Act 1, in a small boutique, while I’m trying a lovely white, warm racket I fancy

Mother “You don’t look good in those jeans”

Lucy (shadow? This is fat Lucy talkin’, no shadows here) “Umh you always say that, no matter what jeans I’m wearing, mother”

Mother “Yeah, the thing is, you’re not 17 anymore, and more important you’re not 45 kilos anymore, so you should stop wearing jeans altogether”

Lucy * keeps quiet and desperately tries to swallow her tears back, while handling her Amex to pay for her jacket. Silently wishing she could just lose weight by paying with her Amex.

Act 2, dinner party at next door neighbor (aged 52), about 35 people attending

NDN (on his way to drunk-ness) “You know, Lucy here, you should see what a nice boyfriend she has now!”

Another friend “Yeah totally, don’t let him go Lucy, he totally seems a great guy, plus he’s gorgeous”

NDN “Yeah well, you should probably drop a couple pounds if you want to keep him”

(Note: NDN is obese, not just overweight. My BMI is currently 20. Awful, I know, but do I deserve all this?

Also, sorry for the lack of posting.

I cough a flue that is still lingering, and I’m working 60-70 hours per week. It’s all pretty insane. I keep reading you though.

I love you all!!

In the rut

Every morning

When I wake up yawning

I’m still far away …

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

It’s just too far away?

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

You’re digging your own grave?

I’m in a rut.

This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.

I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.

“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.

It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.

I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.

Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.

Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.

Llorando (Crying)

Steve got his job offer yesterday. He has to move to London by October 4^th. Which, in case it wasn’t clear, is less than one month away.

I try to keep a smile plastered on my face, and I congratulated him and everything.

Inside, I’m devastated. Broken hearted.

I’m not even 100% sure he’s willing to try the long distance thing.

Fuck it, I’m no longer 18. I want a full time boyfriend, someone who lives with me, someone who wakes up with me in the morning on working, rainy days, not someone just for vacation and occasional weekends. If I can’t have a live-in boyfriend, I’d rather be single and take full advantage of it. The problem is, I’m hopelessly in love with Steve.

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart: nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

The upside? Once Steve will be gone, I’ll simply stop eating. Just like I lost weight when I was still with the ex but we were living in different countries.

Maybe, if I try hard enough, I’ll disappear before I suffer too much.

Dime tu que puedo acer,

no me quiete ya

y siempre estare

llorando por tu amor