Every morning
When I wake up yawning
I’m still far away …
Girl you’re home,
You’re dreaming don’t you know
It’s just too far away?
Girl you’re home,
You’re dreaming don’t you know
You’re digging your own grave?
I’m in a rut.
This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.
I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.
“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.
It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.
I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.
Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.
Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.
5 comments:
Wow! In Nepal! E per quanto non vi vedrete tu e il tuo ragazzo? Speriamo che la lontananza distenda gli animi e vi faccia ritrovare più affiatati di prima...Lui ci è rimasto male del tuo sfogo? Avete chiarito poi? Mi dispiace tanto...anch'io in certi giorni vorrei scoppiare, ma poi mi zittisco sempre, mi dico che nessuno capirebbe. )':
Riusciremo a dimagrire e ad amarci, non sei sola...<3
First off... MAN, italian is damn sexy! I'm reading what Thana wrote and i have no idea what it says, she might be saying "I like cookies" but it still looks damn cool! Hahaha :)
Now let's be serious, lucy i'm so sorry things are not working out well. Too much work isn't good! :S What did steve said when you said that?
It sucks that steve has to go. But i'm glad you're leaving with your dad to Nepal, you really need some fresh air. You need to free your mind for a while.
Take it easy honey, you're gonna be fine. I love you! :)
aww, hunny, i have the exact same conversations with my man. isn't it funny how the worst thing to us is that we think we're fat, not that we're working too much or whatever else is bad? hang in there. i know it'll have to get better soon.
hi i am new to your blog :) i really like it.
i hope you feel better!
in truth i am very jealous of your 56.6kg, but i understand when you are lower it must be terrible.
if you could check out my blog that would be great since it is just new and stuff.
:) xxx
http://skinnypsichedeliche.blogspot.com/
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