Thinking about the Horrors

 The Horrors is how I've come to define the 2021-2025 period, when I was always feeling unwell and all doctors told me I just had to lose weight and be less stressed (and then it turned out I have a womb tumor that was affecting all my body). If I have to recap 2026 so far, I got diagnosed, started treating the issue, starting feeling like a champ (ok like before 2020) and got in the best shape of my life. I also lost 22kg or 48lbs since my highest weight.

The reason I'm writing this is that a difficult part of the process was getting over the fact that I feel I wasted 4 years of my life and that it could have been avoided with just a simple, harmless scan had any gynecologist actually listened to me. 

I do not intend to dwell any further on this, my goal is to enjoy my life as much as I can, but today I'm sick (I have a step throat) and here's the thing: except for the throat ache, today I feel exactly how I felt almost daily over those 4 years:

- back pain

- hurting knee

- every step feels miserable on my joints

- standing up from a chair feels taxing

- overall miserable and prone to tears

(at least I'm not bleeding by hey). The main difference is I know by tomorrow I'll feel better and by the end of this week I'll be back in my champion shape.

And guys I can positively tell you I am amazed at how I still got my shit together over those long painful years. I now forgive myself for the weight gain and for everything. Actually, I deserve a treat for how good I was (ok it will be a black decaf but still :-) )

Sometimes self forgiveness is also important.

Song for this post: "F**kin' Perfect" by P!nk

As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen

Back to black

Back in Milano

but this is not the Milano I craved, I loved and hated. No movida, no aperitivo, no skinny bitches around.

No drugs

No office life, and no after-office parties

In a way, timing is perfect. It may be time to quit the overgrown teenage way of life we've had so far, and live like adults. Might I find enough traction in this, enough desire to maintain a decent body?

We'll see.



Post Scriptum
6 months have passed from my knee surgery and I cannot stay on all fours. it is completely impossible. How can I explain my physical therapist that my (already modest) sex life suffers a significant impairment because of this?

because this is Italy

And as such, while the whole country is quarantined,  on a sunny Friday evening at 6PM, a whole nation of 60 million people open their windows and start singing the national hymn, you remember what a crazy beautiful mess this country is.

Wedding party

At our friends wedding, we're having big fun. Many of these people work for TV, and they know how to throw a party.

It's the end of August, the last real day of summer, and everyone feels this (despite the heat that is still going on and on and on, relentless over the past three months and tonight). Everyone is having fun, but they seem to put some extra energy in their having fun.

It seems like a scene from The Great Gatsby.

Crossing the renaissance villa's Italian gardens (facing the sea), I see my husband. standing tall and suntanned among the other people. His back straight, his stance confident, he's one of the few men who do not look overwhelmed by the heat. He's confident, at ease.

And I remember when I met him, it was so clear he was the only one for me.
We both knew it, right away, and as the years went on, things got more difficult - we were faced with more challenges.

I begged him to stay, try to remember what we had in the beginning.

He is charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knows it. When he walks in, everyone stands up to talk to him.

I always have the sense that he is torn between being a good person and missing out on all the opportunities that life can offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way, I... understand him.

And I love him, I love him, I love him.



Post Scritptum
the politics opportunity is real. But
 would anyone really want to get involved in politics in this country?
 this people have a lot to hide, and I know some. I know they earn a lot that if off the records, and I'm not sure if there is worse than that
So I don't really think I'll do it.
I'm not going to say I sleep easily, as anxiety is big these days. But at least it's anxiety about what I do, and it's not guilty feeling (ok, lots of guilty feelings 'bout food, but you know what I mean LOL).

Following the roadmap

Strangely, I'm keeping on with the diet.
Granted, I never manage to follow it literally: from Monday to Friday I tend to have 1 day when I eat a tiny bit more than I should (since I end up having lunch with someone for work), and 4 days in which I eat way less than I should (no lunch and very little for dinner).
I do not drink all the proteins I should - it is impossible for me.
Then from Saturday evening to Sunday night I binge (and sometimes puke on Sunday nights).

Following this unhealthy roadmap, I dropped almost 5 kg (a bit more than 10 pounds). And somehow I am at the lowest weight over the past 12 months. I also lost 6cm of waist and 2 at my right tight level.

When I started the diet I ordered a bikini from lovekini

In 9 days we're flying to Maldives for a week off - of course I had hoped to be below 60kg (132 pounds) but it looks like it's impossible (I'm 62.9kg now, thus 138.7lbs).
Still, better than last summer and of course I shall resume the diet as soon as I'm back.

Workwise, it is now clear I'll not become equity partner this year. Hopefully next one, meanwhile I need to bring my skinny me back

gone

I flew back from Greece on Sunday morning, landed happily and got a call.
From a former coworker.
He said "Look I don't know how else to say this, Vivien died"
I actually asked him if this was a bad joke. Vivien, 42, beautiful, healthy and lovely cannot be dead
Vivien, who adopted a troubled, orphaned teenager last summer
Vivien, my friend, who could be trusted to always make sense
Vivien, the kind one, who talked too much and who everyone loved

Vivien drowned last Saturday

Vivien was definitely not the sporty kind, but one thing she could do was swimming. Born and raised by the Mediterrean, swim she could.

Vivien, who a couple weeks ago, when I bailed out of drinks (explaining I had to be at my grandmother's place as my parents were on vacation on the premises I would stay with Granny who's 94) wrote me "I'm thinking of giving up"

We spoke afterwards and she said she was a bit overwhelmed with her kid, but the thought is there

Goodbye my friend. You were awesome. I don't believe in an afterlife. But I do belive you left a sign. So many people were crying at your funeral. We miss you already


Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
I'll let the judges frown

And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be
Goodbye my friend

Summer is coming with news and memories

I remember when life was slow.

In my country, kids enjoy a solid three months summer break from school (albeit they have very few days off during the rest of the year). When I was a kid, living in the countryside, we enjoyed a lot of freedom.

Most of the kids I knew had chores to do in the morning, and then, from noon to supper (which would be typically at 7.30 or 8 PM were completely free. Most of us had bikes, and living by a lake offered infinite opportunities, from swimming, to diving, to explore small canyons, anything really.

But looking back, what really pops into my mind was a lazy rainy afternoon spent watching the Olympic games (something that involved horse I remember) with my mother, who apparently was also able to waste time as well (she was a teacher, so she too had a long summer break).

I am kinda jealous about this – I’ve just booked an appointment with the hairdresser… at 7AM tomorrow morning, which sounds downright wrong, but I’m so glad he’s agreed to see me that early.

But let’s face it, tomorrow the official communication is coming, I’m getting promoted to non equity partner, and celebration is in order. My friend Daniela is becoming equity partner, Matt as well, we’ve booked the winery in the city center, and life is good right? I just hope to fit into that blue dress from last summer’s weddings.

Hot and bothered

The real issue with being married and loving your man, is you can no longer tell your dirty secrets to anyone.
Because it would be betraying your marriage somehow.

And so I'm home alone, Hub's on the other side of the planet, and I'm hot, bothered and frustrated with my dreams, and... I cannot vent with anyone.
Someone mentioning today in a Whatsapp chat my unsuccessfully hitting on Vi 13 years ago did not cheer me up either. A group chat in which Vi is included of course.
And his body is probably not as hot as it looked in my dreams anyway


Well Husband'll be back tomorrow finally, so I guess I'd better just suck it up and try and forget this stupid dreams.

On a positive note, I worked like hell all week and being alone I never had dinner (and sometimes skipped lunch). Hopefully I'll get to see some improvements soon.


I've also been unofficially confirmed I'll be made non equity partner - official communication should come in at the end of the month.
I guess I'm just too tired to really cheer - after all I've been working 18 days straight, most days >12h.

Skinny is a rule (Remembering B)

There's a rule that states: if you don't make love at the third date, you are not sure of yourself
There's a story that says who eats an apple commits the worst sin ever
It is so normal thinking... that this life is awesome, even though sometimes it's bringing me down (something's bringing me down), and that Skinny is a rule, that you tried to explain to me, I'll never forget it. I remember the street where I promised I was going to change, but I did not understand how, how do you do it.

There's a rule that states you need a tight gap to be more normal
There's a story that says you need to be skinny to be happy
There is a rule that states that if you need dieting you are a wrong person, like me
It is so normal thinking... that this life is awesome, even though sometimes it's bringing me down (it's bringing us down and down), and that Skinny is a formula you tried to teach me, I'll never forget it
I remember the summer I sworn I would not go there (I would never be fat again), but you never told me if you saved me.
Yes this life is amazing, even though sometimes it brings me down, something brings me down. Maybe Skinny is a rule only you knew, but I'll never forget you.

I didn't start, and I never understood whether you saved me or doomed me, I never understood how to do it, I never understood.


The past is like a handful of dust: it filters through your fingers, disappearing little by little.
I wish that, for one day, I could go back.
In another life, I would do things differently