One moment in time

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me ONE MOMENT IN TIME
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

(Whitney Houston)

In case you are still wondering, I'm heading to the party in honor of my promotion to equity partner. 

It's been a crazy week, with even a couple of tears in honor of the young, skinny, naive girl who always thought she wasn't good enough for this and she needed to find a job, who faced things a person shouldn't have to face, who messed up, cleaned up her mess, who stood up straight.

Now it's time for fun - like an idiot I forgot the coke at home but I'm sure it'll be fun - it doesn't even matter I'm not skinny tonight. Tonight, it's about what I've done and what I've achieved.

Cold as stone

You can sleep forever, still, you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone, still, you won't find peace.

I feel I'm just spending (wasting time)

Only with mellow are you thin enough to slide through
Don't let nothin' ride you
If the sun or the moon would give way to doubt, they would immediately go out
Only one swallow doesn't make a summer - but you gotta start somewhere

I've been waiting, I'm still waiting, I've been waiting, I've been waiting, I've been waiting, I'm still waiting
I'm with you - with you IT'S ALWAYS ONE STEP TOO FAR
One step too far

Last night

"Are you driving home tonight?"

"Yes Mom, as promised. I'll chack on Granny as soon as I'm there"

"Good. I did not leave any food at home. You'll be better fasting anyways"

"Ok Mom"

(And what about Husband?)

Ended feeding eggs, salad and anchovies with cheese to Husband, and a small portion for me.

Today

Woke up extra early, Husband drove back to the city and I went running by the lake. It was awesome.

I'm no longer use to being alone. That's what years of marriage do to you I suppose.

Does Granny feel this way? She's 97. It's Thursday and she is not used to Mom being away. Called already twice this morning saying why did I not show up, it's Saturday and we planned to shower. 

Poor Granny. I'll go later today of course. 

Winter is here

Every new beginning feels harder, but this year feels like I have so much to prove and so many achievements to make gathering on my shoulders.

Work keeps getting more and more demanding. There is some talk going on about making me junior (non equity) partner in June, which would be a first step towards being equity partner in 12 more months; but... I don't know how realistic this can be. I should be working on my business case, instead I'm doing real work for something like 60 hours a week (sometimes 70). I can't work more than I've been doing in November and December; I've already been on the edge of a melt-down, and I've been stressing so much I spent a few nights puking already. So I guess we'll see, but I really shouldn't fantasize too much on this.

I really need to train more and eat better. While training wise I've been good over holidays, and I've already booked a few sessions with a PT to kick-start the year, the problem of course is keep training when work kicks in so hard. I aimed at running 1000km in 2017, and I barely ran 750km, and the figures of Nov and Dec are embarrassing low.

I'm at my highest weight of the last 8 years. during these days when I throw in 12 hours, plus one to go and get back from work, lunch break end in me finding consolation in food. When I come home, hubby is sometimes asleep. We spend one hour together in the morning waking up, having breakfast and talking, and then everything cycles back to madness.

Will I ever feel sexy again?

I need to train, restrict and focus. Winter will end, longer and warmer days will come. I can make it. you too, lovelies.

Fucking proud

slowly getting back to eating, and successfully avoiding uncontrolled bingeing after fasting.
Had some regular food last night, with no damages (the scale even awarded me with a small loss this morning).
Fucking proud of myself. I need to do this more often.