work fattie, work

Welcome, we love you, we hate you, we love you
We want you, we need you - we wish we were like you
They say you're a saint, you're a whore, you're a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can't live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it's time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

(Garbage "Shut your mounth)

This feels very appropriate.

The partnership admission process started again and I'm in. They said I have a 50% chance. I have not told them I have just sold a €1million project.

Went to buy a pair of jeans today. I must start saying the truth at some point, so here it is: I started the year at my maximum weight ever: 160 pounds. Officially fat, for real, with a BMI of 25.4 and the lowest muscle mass ever. So far, I've only dropped 5 pounds.

I tried the jeans on and felt so ashamed.

Winter is here

Every new beginning feels harder, but this year feels like I have so much to prove and so many achievements to make gathering on my shoulders.

Work keeps getting more and more demanding. There is some talk going on about making me junior (non equity) partner in June, which would be a first step towards being equity partner in 12 more months; but... I don't know how realistic this can be. I should be working on my business case, instead I'm doing real work for something like 60 hours a week (sometimes 70). I can't work more than I've been doing in November and December; I've already been on the edge of a melt-down, and I've been stressing so much I spent a few nights puking already. So I guess we'll see, but I really shouldn't fantasize too much on this.

I really need to train more and eat better. While training wise I've been good over holidays, and I've already booked a few sessions with a PT to kick-start the year, the problem of course is keep training when work kicks in so hard. I aimed at running 1000km in 2017, and I barely ran 750km, and the figures of Nov and Dec are embarrassing low.

I'm at my highest weight of the last 8 years. during these days when I throw in 12 hours, plus one to go and get back from work, lunch break end in me finding consolation in food. When I come home, hubby is sometimes asleep. We spend one hour together in the morning waking up, having breakfast and talking, and then everything cycles back to madness.

Will I ever feel sexy again?

I need to train, restrict and focus. Winter will end, longer and warmer days will come. I can make it. you too, lovelies.

Vacation, hiking, binges and so on

Cape Verte it was.
Sal Island. Honestly? a shitty place, but hey, I did spend lazy lazy hours just suntanning and reading. i needed it. We needed it.
Before that, we went hiking through Simplonpass (in the middle of the Alps, not far from where my family lives).

Hiking was so good that, before leaving for Cape Verte, I bought myself these

(of course the pic is from the net it is not me)

As soon as we got there I realized three things:
i) Sal Island is a shithole
ii) the food was disgusting (wait before thinking that was good news)
iii) virtually everyone staying in the hotel had severe diarrhea

WARNING: things start getting guresome from now on

Now, as much as I sometimes indulge purging (although in these occasions I vomit), due to years and years of big stomach issues when I was a teenager and later, I am fucking scared of eating something that will make me sick.
So.....
I spent one week eating (with no restrictions whatsoever) only two things: fries and boiled white rice.

And now I'm back, 6 pounds heavier. fuckfuckfuck.
Let's forget about those short shorts, okay?
It's time to restrict and get back to some serious training

There's an old voice in my head, it's my ED talking to me it says it missed our little talks

I don't like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear
The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake
It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even trust myself
It's killing me to see you this way

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
I tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will all be over, buried with our past
You used to play outside when you were young
Full of life and full of love

Some days I don't know if I am wrong and I am right
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Don't listen to a word I say
The screams all sound the same

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore 

Go, go, go away
I wish you'd disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go, me against you
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I see you when I fall asleep

Don't listen to a word I say
The screams all sound the same 

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore  


As always, in my dreams I'm still skinny, just like I used to be.

I tasted the answer and my body was weak

Let’s start again.

Summer is over, I’m back to work, another year is starting. I got my promotion (yay).

Summer is still here, with 36° (97F) outside, no AC at my place, and worst of all, me at 138lbs (62.6kg), BMI 21.9 (disgusting).

Now it’s time for a fresh start. I don’t have any promotion in sight this year, and I won’t let work ruin my body anymore. I need to train pronto, since on October 4 I’m leaving for Nepal, where I’ll spend 2 weeks trekking around the Annapurna with dad.

Vacation was dedicated to family and mountaineering (1^st week, including climbing Monte Rosa as I mentioned, up to 4.554mt or 14.941ft), and then to quality time with S, love of my life (2^nd week, which included some hiking, a lot of sunbathing and even more love making).

All in all, I loved my vacation. I am fat, but I will get better very soon. I know I can do it, as I did it in the past. I have faith in me, and I have faith in you all, lovelies. I am still catching up with your blogs, so if I haven’t commented on your blog yet, I will do it soon.

I love you all and I really hope you’re having a good time. I’m sending you strength and encouragement.

I would die for you

Okay, let's face it: I've been failing for months.

Plans? Bullshit.

I just have to stop eating.

Just like I did last year. I won't see S for two weeks, and I must take full advantage of it by NOT EATING.

I'll be at the Parents' place for the weekend, I'll try to skip some of the meals by going out jogging.

I love you all

I'll face myself

I was too ashamed to post.

I still am ashamed, but I need to face my shit.

Last week weight: 136.2lbs. 61.3kg. Fuckin' disgusting

Spring is finally breaking, and soon it's going to be bikini time.

So let mercy come,

and wash away

what I've done!

I'll face myself

to cross out

what I've become

erase myself

and let go

of what I've done!!

Oh, I'll post more often. And I'll drop the damn weight. But right now, something worries me even more: what happened to Marcus ? I can't find his blog anymore, it's like he's fell off the face of the earth! And of course I'm worried, probably he's just happy and dropped blogging, or blogger messed up, but I can't stop worrying so if you have news, please let me know!