Glamour, different story, one of these days

I flew to London last week on Tuesday, under my client insistence that I was vital for their negotiation. I was supposed to be back on Wednesday, and ended up spending the whole week there. From here on, there are two versions of the story. You pick.

We went to dinners and events, got into the VIP area at the Ministry of Sound, with Uber smoothly carrying us from one party to the other.
I felt fabulous, champagne flowed, I barely ate over the week and felt trendy and cool all the time.

Or, maybe, I spent 4 days (and a good part of the nights) stuck into a lawyers' office, negotiating strenuously, stuffing my face with whatever food was brought in at any time, barely noticing whether it was day or night.

Xmas stuff was already everywhere, and although Hyde Park WinterWonderlad park (which I adore) wasn't yet opened, Harrods had already amazing stuff on show, and the first Xmas trees were being set up. I loved hanging around Harrods with my lovely white coat with a white fur neck!

I was hoping to grab one coffee from Starbucks while in London - believe it or not, in one week I never had enough spare time to walk into a starbucks and grab a take away cup. How fucked up is that?

Yesterday my client called to thank me again and say how his whole whole team was impressed with my job, so maybe that makes up for the pound I gained. Maybe?

If Husband and I make it through this year, I think we can make it through a lifetime together.
This is a pic of us that was taken last year on this day.

When I look at it, I think it's the way I hope we can head into the future

Time

It's awfully slow, but it's progress.

I'm at 134.9 (61.2kg). Disgusting I know, but still a tiny bit less disgusting than 138.

Work is awful again, I'm working with a two faced bitch for over 14 hours a day.

Luckily I'm leaving tonight for London - can't wait to be in Steve's arms.

In 32 days I'll be leaving for Nepal - goal weight for that date: 128lbs (still fat, but it's just a first goal).

Time flies, I can't believe summer's over, I can't believe September only has 4 weekend, I would need at least 7 weekends to do all I have to do. Still, weekends = weight gain, so that's a good thing there aren't too many I guess

Will update more next week - right now I'm really out of time

Stuck into the rut

I gained even more. I woke up at 125.8 this morning. I felt numb.

Weight loss competition, huh? Mother spent the weekend criticizing each piece of my wardrobe always saying I’m too fat or that I need a bigger size (which is exactly the same).

Thanx Mother, it’s always nice to feel loved.

So I binged like a mad cow yesterday. Very reasonable, huh?

I’m sticking to fruits and raw veggies until Friday night (and coffee of course, but since I have it unsweetened, that doesn’t add up). I need to get back in control, just like I was in July.

The thing is, work has been really depressing lately. Mother keeps making sneaky comments. Keith, my eldest bro, moved back to our country, and is so busy screwing his girlfriend he hasn’t yet found time to see me. Steve is away and keeps putting pressure on me because he’s miserable and wants me to move to London (which is simply not going to happen because I can’t and don’t want to move abroad anymore).

I need to hit the gym harder, to fast, to feel I’m in control. Also, I need to clean up my place, I started last night (after bingeing). I need to seriously think about work: what am I going to do? Keep up with this, or look for something else (no clue what I could do other than this by the way)?

I need to see a skinny bitch staring back at me when I look into the mirror.

Growing up..

One of the biggest advantages of ageing is the way you live your love relationships.

One may thing teenage love, with all the drama involved, evolves, but it’s not true. Life does. So at 28, you get to live a relationship in a more natural, smooth way. You most likely move in together and your man gets to know you actually have hair on your legs that require a painful maintenance. He gets to know that you poo, that you own period underwear, that at the end of a long working day your armpits smell: in short, that you are human.

And that’s great! Because really, your love life gets to a much higher level of intimacy, and everything is smoother.

And then your man moves to another country, and all you get are weekend visits, and you get back to the crazy loop, where you think that, since you get to see each other only once in a while, he needs to see the perfect you. And so you get crazy again with waxing, manicure and that stuff. And you crazily get a haircut on Friday afternoon, right before hopping on a plane, because you feel insecure because he never has time for you anymore because he’s working too much.

And of course that bitch of a hairdresser fucks up everything and gives you curls when you asked for straight hair. And you look like you shoved your fingers into a plug and got 220 volts straight to your hair.

Needless to say, your boyfriend will work too late to get to Gatwick to meet you. Of course you will have to get on your own to his new place.

And of course, you’re fucking fat, because you are a failure (fuck, you even ate chocolate cake at lunch: who the hell does that??). And that’s why he doesn’t have time to talk to you on the phone or come and get you.

Because you’re a failure, and what’s worse is you cannot possibly hope that you’ll be better when you grow up because you’re fucking 28, and you have already grown.

Into a huge, fat failure.

Missing

I’m back.

It was beautiful. But I don’t want to talk about it now, I’ll do it Tomorrow.

For once, my biggest fear is not the scale. I still haven’t weighted myself (I’ll do it tomorrow morning). My biggest fear is facing the emptiness of my flat.

Steve has moved to London while I was away.

Not only I’m back to a spinster-ish lifestyle. I’ve also lost the friend I could always count on for drinks, or for a late night herbal tea. I cannot anymore hope on my bike and reach my best friend at any time. Because my best friend, my favorite coworker, my love, my everything went away.

And now I have to face it.

Ask me to wear white for you, and I'll be yours forever

This body? I'd kill to have it!

Instead of asking me, he's leaving in 5 days. And I'm hopelessly in love.

A few nights ago he said "When in ten months we'll still be in love as we are now, we shall get married".

My hair looks just like that. How come my body DOESN'T?

In the rut

Every morning

When I wake up yawning

I’m still far away …

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

It’s just too far away?

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

You’re digging your own grave?

I’m in a rut.

This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.

I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.

“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.

It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.

I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.

Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.

Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.

Llorando (Crying)

Steve got his job offer yesterday. He has to move to London by October 4^th. Which, in case it wasn’t clear, is less than one month away.

I try to keep a smile plastered on my face, and I congratulated him and everything.

Inside, I’m devastated. Broken hearted.

I’m not even 100% sure he’s willing to try the long distance thing.

Fuck it, I’m no longer 18. I want a full time boyfriend, someone who lives with me, someone who wakes up with me in the morning on working, rainy days, not someone just for vacation and occasional weekends. If I can’t have a live-in boyfriend, I’d rather be single and take full advantage of it. The problem is, I’m hopelessly in love with Steve.

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart: nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

The upside? Once Steve will be gone, I’ll simply stop eating. Just like I lost weight when I was still with the ex but we were living in different countries.

Maybe, if I try hard enough, I’ll disappear before I suffer too much.

Dime tu que puedo acer,

no me quiete ya

y siempre estare

llorando por tu amor

Oh crap!

Oh, getting back to the normal life is hard people.

Therefore my lack of decent posts.

I won’t even apologize though, because I am under the impression most of you are away as well.

Let’s get straight to point 1: I woke up at 120.5lbs. Proceeded puking (no, I’m not falling in love with Mia, I just drank too much last night).

I woke up at 5.30AM, by the way. Why so much suffering? Because Steve had to fly to London to discuss about the possibility he might work for our London office for 18 months.

So yeah, today I’m quite unhappy, and I took full advantage of my unhappiness (i.e. I’m fasting). He’ll be back tonight.

Also, he’s moving in with me. I know, this is pure madness. And I’m hopelessly in love.