Oh my heart

I came home to a city half erased
I came home to face.... what we faced
This place needs me here to start
This place is the beat of my heart

I was getting ready and packing my staff when my nephew told me:
"so I really want to try this acrobatics class, but my daddy said that I'm not cut for it"
"I guess it depends Luca. If you aim at the Olympics, whatever you're going to try, at 12 you are too old. If you want to be more agile, and maybe learn a couple of tricks, you should totally go for it!" While I answered readily, my heart was aching - the kid is 12, for God's sake, why does my Bro crash his ambitions? Sport is healthy for him!Meanwhile his sister strikes a mean one : "you must lose weight to do that"
Fuck the little bitch - she's not even really skinny.
Of course Luca turns to get at his sister and I stop him and send her out of the room

"How many of us just had lunch together?"
"Seven"
"Do you know who is the heaviest among those seven?"
"Me?"
"NO!!! Absolutely not! What does your brain tell you sweetie? First you are not tall enough - but it is actually me. You got much skinnier over the past few months, and don't get me wrong, it is good. You want to be more slim? That is fine, and you are right in paying attention to it. But look, you are not fat, you are not. I am definitely fatter than you are"
"But you are beautiful"
"Thank-you darling, that's sweet. But it doesn't change things - I am a bit on the fat side. I'll be paying attention in the next few months - the thing is, there's people like your dad and like grandfather who are naturally skinny, and there's people like us who need to pay a bit more attention. But you need to enjoy life, and sport will always be good for you, Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are not meant for a certain sport - sport is fun, and you should enjoy it! It's good for your body and your mind, and you should try anything that you'd like!"

Lord help me and my nephew, he's only 12. And it's true he used to be fat, but now he's normal - granted, not skinny, but just two months ago the kid ran a 14km race with us, he's healthy now. What the hell does my brother think?

it's sweet, and it's sad, and it's true
how it doesn't look bitter on you
oh my heart, oh my heart, oh my heart!

On Scarsdale

Previously of Waiting for the Miracle

It seems that my family is determined to spend most of their spare time telling me how fat I've become. This is even more weird given the fact they keep stuffing my face with food whenever I'm at the Parents' place. The Panther (aka Mom, who, FYI, is overweight) keeps bugging me, then comes up with healthy plans such as:

- having dinner at 11.30PM on Saturday

- Sunday lunch: fried pumpkin flowers (about 10 each), homemade mayo (about a lot too much each).

The only exception to this is Bro, who as always is skinny as a bitch, but who thinks a BMI between 21 and 22 is nobody's business but mine. I love Bro: he understands and never ever criticizes when I'm fasting, and he doesn't bug me when I'm fat.

Now

As much as it may hurt my feelings, the parents are right. I look horrible.

Since nothing else seems to work, I have decided to (temporarily) give up my principles. I've been vegetarian over the last 6 years, but I'm going on Scarsdale diet.

Started yesterday, am loosing already, but let's also keep in mind yesterday I've hit the gym twice (yeah, 2 times), burning over 1000kcals only on cardio.

In the meanwhile, I won't be at the Parents' place for two weeks, so I really hope to drop enough to shut them up by the time I'll go there. So, scarsdale.

Start weight: 138lbs / 62.6kg (BMI: 21.9) (shame on me)

Day 2: 136.5lbs /61.9kg (BMI: 21.7) (still disgusting)

14 days Goal: 120lbs / 54.5kg (BMI: 19.1) (a little bit better, still far from my ideal weight of 110lbs or 50kg)

(oh, and let's be honest, 99lbs / 45kg would be even better)

I really hope this Scarsdale thing works.

Love you lots

Tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me

Every year, for some reasons, I’m miserable for my birthday. It’s usually one of the worst weeks of the year.

Mostly, my family makes me miserable. They don’t mean to, yet they manage to make me cry every year. It’s true, I always say my bday isn’t a big deal to me, but hell, of course I’m lying. I do it because back in my teenage things used to go so wrong that deep down I’m still afraid of celebrations.

Steve will be away, since my birthday’s on Wednesday. That’s bad enough, but at least he’s flying in for the weekend. I asked him to take his Friday off, so we could spend a long weekend at my parents’ place by the lake, but when he bought the ticket he forgot, so our weekend will basically last one day and a half.

Bro promised long ago to arrange BBQ at his place on Saturday night with friends. When I called him on Saturday, to compliment him about his performance on a national regatta, I asked him about details. The answer? “Oh, I totally forgot. Sorry Sis, I’m working on Saturday, so that can’t be done”. I didn’t complain but it hurt like hell.

Finally, after planning the weekend with my parents, last night dad told me they’re leaving for a short trip on Wednesday and they probably won’t be home before Sunday night (we’re leaving on Sunday at noon, since Steve’s got his flight on Sunday afternoon).

Sorry if I’m childish, but I do feel neglected.

But the truth is, the worst thing is there’s only one thing that would really make me happy. The only gift I want is for Steve to ask me. And this is not going to happen.

Oh, also, Dad had something to tell me last night, after we went running 4 miles. He said I need to drop weight pronto. He said I look awful, that I’m at my worst ever and that I need to stop eating right now. And of course he’s right, but it kinda hurts when people you love feel that they need to say it, doesn’t it?

Maybe I shouldn't take love for granted. Maybe they just don't love me anymore because I'm ugly. And after all, I should have known it. Nobody loves failures.

Full advantage

One week later, and I cannot believe how I could have doubts.

Steve is… I don’t even know how to explain. How different things are, and how unchanged at the same time.

The this is, Steve knows me well. He may seem to act like he doesn’t care certain things, but now I know he notices. He messages me through the day to make sure I’m doing okay (to let me know he’s thinking of me, basically. Which is exactly what I need). He helps me if I have difficulties at work. When we’re together (and not at work) he hugs me all the time, he never lets me go. And, while I’ve never been much of a PDA person, with him, I really feel like I belong into his arms.

I’m not doing great: I’m experiencing one of the worst phases of insomnia ever. Last Saturday I went sailing with Bro and others, and the wind was just too much and some of the ropes broke and we had some problems with the boat, so I hit my chest badly and it still hurts, so of course that doesn’t help sleeping.

Steve wakes up in the morning by my side and he’ll just know if I’ve slept at all. I was awfully tired last night, we got back to his place around 11 and went straight to bed. Two hours later he woke up and noticed I wasn’t sleeping, and started caressing/lightly massaging my back until I fell asleep, and I slept for 6 SOLID HOURS!!

Of course, between the insomnia, all the going out every night and the pain, I haven’t been really able to restrict and go the gym, so I’m still stuck at 119.7lbs. I’ll fast next week though, with Marcus, also because I’m back on the pill and this tends to make me gain weight (ouch).

I want this season to last forever. Work’s slow, and I’m kind of going out every night, taking full advantage of the amazing night life this city offers. I want to wear sundresses forever, I want to sail, drink, party… I wanna lay naked in Steve’s arms at night… (and no, we did not really have sex yet… but I promise you we will before we leave for vacation LOL).

Also, Steve’s almost 85lbs heavier than I am. He’s also something like 6 feet 5 inches tall (195cm), which means in my eyes he’s huge (I mean, considering we live in Italy, that’s really tall). I love it, also because… It kind of makes me feel tiny…

But I shall not forget my goals. I promise I will be 115 lbs by the end of August, and I really hope to do even better (110 would be just perfect!)

I love you a lot, I swear, I live for your comments!!

All I needed to hear

Last week I started realizing a couple of things. In first place, when (ex) Boyfriend would call, I was mostly annoyed. I didn’t miss him. I started talking to Bro about my issues, and suddenly it all came out: I wasn’t in love anymore; I didn’t want to share my life with him anymore. I felt awful, but I knew I had to do something.

So I talked to Bro, and I decided to be honest, because how could I rely on his advice if I kept hiding things?

What he said in first place touched my heart. “Well, I guess I haven’t been there for you as I should have, since you never realized anything was going on with this Steve. I’m sorry Sis, I’ll make it up to you”

“Don’t worry Bro. You are listening to me now, and that’s all I could ask for”

Bro opened up my mind, mostly by telling me that, if after a 4 years relationship, I still had all those doubts, it probably meant the ex and I weren’t meant to be together. He also said I needed to talk to Steve to get things clear in my mind. I tend to follow Bro’s advice. Mainly because Bro, well, he’s different. He may not have the greatest social skills ever, but he’s way above normal people as far as the brain department is concerned. His IQ was roughly estimated when he was a teenager around 150. He’s the most intelligent person I ever met, and has unique analysis skills.

So on Wednesday night I was at Steve’s place, but we weren’t alone. His roommate walked out for a second and I stared at Steve “We need to talk”

“We do indeed, but not tonight”

“We are talking tonight Steve, and that’s it”

It wasn’t going well. His roommate spent half of the evening bragging about the impossibility of dating co-workers, we drank too much and then Steve said he wanted to get some sleep. I got up to leave and he walked me out, but I had had too many beers and no food.

“Will you be all right?”

“Honestly I don’t think I can handle getting home on my bike or walking on these heels”

“Wanna sleep here? Up to you”

I took a deep breath

“Steve, what if I did it? What if I dump him?”

“I dunno”

“I dunno is not enough of an answer. I need to make decisions, and I need to make them now”

“Let’s get away together for a weekend”

I was LIVID. “No way! For fuck’s sake Steve! It’s not like you’re going to test me like that! We spent enough time together and you know me enough to be able to decide!”

He hugged me and said “Don’t be angry, I can’t make promises” I felt like crying.

“I don’t want promises, I’m not asking you any engagement of any kind. But I need to know if you’re into this or not”

“Of course I am, it’s just so sudden. But I do want to give us a try”

I kissed him “That’s all I needed to hear”

What the hell am I going to do?

I went out last night for a good, Milan style aperitivo, and had a blast. The kind of aperitivo where you meet CEOs working in the fashion industry, and they are quite relieved to meet girls that are not just bodies (no offence to models)

Then, since I was downtown, I pinged Steve on his blackberry asking if he wanted to get the underground together to go home. He said sure, so we met downtown and headed to the bar outside the office for a beer. He was grumpy at first, and then he cheered up and we had a good time. At a certain point, he told me he is not so sure anymore he’ll move abroad. People, that made my day! After two beers, we decided to call it a night and went to the office parking to get my bike, and I hugged him

“You smell good” I said, my nose buried between his collar bone and his neck, even though with the heels I was wearing I was probably close to 5ft11 (around 180cm).

“Yeah sure. It’s been warmer than the Sahara all day long”

“You still smell good”

I got my bike and walked him home (he lives on my way home), and outside his place we hugged and kissed a little bit.

“Don’t make it more difficult than it already is” he moaned

I just hugged him tighter.

Later, at home, I really wished I could drift into sleep next to him.

This morning, I woke up at 120.2lbs. Could have been worse! Now, I’ve got to head towards 115.

Boyfriend is leaving for NYC tonight, and he’ll be away for a week. Then, he should move in. I am trying to make up my mind, and I have yet to decide if I’m going to go on with this thing, or if I’m going to dump him. I know, I’m an awful bitch. Forgive me.

(Amongst other thoughts, from a discussion with Bro, I said I’m happy living on my own. I said how great my life is. I said “Hell, I’m way closer to being skinny than I’ve ever been since I met Boyfriend”)

Brother

I weighted myself, and I’m back at 126.8lbs. :-(
Honestly, I expected worse after all the booze in ingurgitated over last dreamy weekend. In any case, right after hopping on the scale I hit the gym this morning, and I hope to train at least 5 times over this week.

Now, I'd like to share a bit of family info…
Both Bro and my dad are doctors (cardiologists), and Bro also married a doctor. My mother, who was obese, 12 years ago decided she needed to change things, dropped 46 pounds in three months, and started training.

The upside is, everyone firmly believes in the necessity of training. Eating at my parents place is always healthy, BUT, being Italians, there is always a lot of pasta, rice and these kind of carbs, especially for me since I’m vegetarian.

The downside is my parents do believe that I can’t, and most importantly SHOUDN’T go back to my teenage body. (I know I posted this pic before, but I just love it)

On to Bro. Bro looks anorexic. He isn’t, but his BMI is 19.0, and he has no fat. Actually, being a man, he could use a bit more meat on his bones.
Bro (even though is married to an obese horrible woman), thinks I’m slightly overweight. Because he know the real me is 22-25 lbs lighter. Because he remembers me that way.


So when I have dinner at his place (very often BBQs in summer), he’ll throw some zucchini (no oil) on the grill for me, and won’t nag me about the fact I’ll only eat that. And when friends drive the Pirate into believing that I’m 21, Bro plays the game.

In one word, Bro UNDERSTANDS. He understands my need to get skinnier, my need to flirt, my need to look younger.
Oh, and yes, I know how lucky I am that Bro is in my life.

PS: has anyone ever tried chitosan? any advice? does it work?