When I saw my husband name on the phone screen at 2AM, my heart sank. I was in Barcelona for a corporate event, and had wisely left the team at the disco at 1h30 in the morning to get back to the hotel and get some sleep.
I picked up and all my fears were confirmed. He was high, did not know where he was and tried to articulate "can you come and pick me up?". Clearly, I could not, and he had absolutely no clue of his whereabouts.
One hour of meditation later I managed to fall asleep. I told myself he was going to make it home like many other times. I tried very hard not to think about the time he made it home with a broken arm, an injured feet, broken glasses, a black eye and a huge cut on his hand. At least now he no longer wear glasses. Needless to say, it was not a restful night.
I made it home on the next evening, and found him with a huge violet mark on half of his face a two twisted fingers.
The last time something of the kind happened was this, and the worst time (mentioned above, when he broke his arm etc etc) never made it to this blog as I've tried very hard to erase it from my mind. And that does not include the time the police wanted to talk to him as they were arresting a dealer and wanted to know how much and how many times and what exactly he had purchased. And the time I was in New York (for work) and his friends had to bring him back to his parents place as he was shit faced and had lost the keys to go home. And the time he spent one year without a driving license for DUI (although admittedly he stopped driving if he's drunk anything, even one glass of beer, and that happened before we got together).
The point is, I have a hard time making him stop when I'm with him when he's past his limit, but when I'm away there is no way of knowing the amount of trouble he'll get in. And frankly, this is not fair on me.
I do not really know what to do, but I can't take this shit any longer. And clearly, the idea of having a baby has gone down the drain. I've been in so much pain (back, knee and mouth hurt like hell whenever I have periods), that at this point I'm taking an appointment asap to have a brand new Nexplanon inserted in my arm. He has not fed the hamster in 3 days I was away, how could he be responsible for a baby? (The hamster is fine - I had left it dried food and water enough - but it does not really like dried food and prefers to have fruits, or salad, cheese etc).
I knew I married an alcoholic, I knew it back then. What really worries me is that I do still love him, but something has broken this time and I do not think it can be fixed.
