28 April 2011

One of these days

Today is one of these days in which I think Mum may be right and I'm probably going to die still being a spinster.

Today I am so fat I don't even care that I have three spots on the left side of my face, because nobody will notice them since the attention will be on my monstrous legs anyway.

Today everything good is so far away, Steve, the weekend, my cat...

Today I'm so sick with allergies I'll probably spend more time sneezing and coughing than working.

Today I hate my fucking fat self.

But I love you all.

26 April 2011

I survived Easter gaining 1kg.
I guess it could have been worse, but this leaves me with 32 days before bikini time in Greece.

My new favourite thinspo is:

So yeah. Embarassing AND pathetic.

So it's really time to gather our strenghts, ladies. Summertime is coming, and there will be no forgiveness.

19 April 2011

Ana is my doctor

I don’t know what happened to me. Ana dumped me.

Doubt startin' to creep in, everyday it's just so grey and black.

Hope, I just need a ray of that, 'cause no one sees my vision: when I say it out loud, they just say it's whack!

But they don’t know what an ED is!

You came to me when I needed it, but you're either getting lazy, or you don't believe in you no more.

You're supposed to fucking be MY mentor, I can endure no more! It was YOU who believed in me!

Ana, I'm crying in this booth, you saved my life, but I can’t never repay you!

But I ain't giving up faith, and you ain't giving up on me: Get up Ana! I'm dying, I need you, come back for fuck's sake cause

I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor

Call me a doctor

I need a doctor, doctor

To bring me back to life

Wolverine (my boss) is coming tonight. Working dinner, it’s gonna be hard (am in Tuscany right now, where food is so full of calories you wouldn’t believe it). I’m skipping lunch in order to prepare for it, but it’s going to be hard. Tomorrow I’m fasting. I swear, I don’t care that Wolverine will notice.

And after all, who am I kidding? Wolverine has just dumped his fat wife to get together with the skinniest (Topamax addicted) chick of the office.

13 April 2011

Then this thing turned out so evil, I don't know why I'm still surprised

(to my ED) But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind I keep swinging. I don't even ultra-super-mega binge. Honest. I never get to the point I consider puking. Then I realize I've fagocitated 2500kcals in a single day. ...and it's sick that all these battles, are what keeps me satisfied... I don't know. My mounth is still tore up due to the tooth estraction, therefore puking is not an option. I've never been much of a MIA, but I'm considering this: I need to drop the fat. I must stop the binge. Therefore, (as soon as my mouth heals), I may consider throwing up after bingeing, as a punishment (I don't believe in throwing up for losing weight: it takes 20minutes to absorb the calories; my massive overeating happens at the parents' place, where coffee goes on for a while after eating, so puking would happen too late to help). Effing disgusting, I know. I must stop running away, and start facing reality. Each calory counts. At least I'm still training hard.. On to another subject. Bloggers sometimes disappear. Sometimes someone we specially care for disappears, and when it's within the blogorexia, it's often scary. Did they drop out because they're happy? I hope so, but often don't believe it. Marcus from Do you like lemones? disappeared, and even cancelled his blog. Marcus, I hope you're doing great, but I miss you. Miss Burton, on the other hand, may be back. I really hope she decides to come back to the blogorexia, because I missed her too! Belle, who later turned into Rogue, is another beautiful person I lost track of. And I think everybody remembers (wonders?) about Ana Regziz. Love you all sweeties. I'm not commenting much, but I'm still reading!

04 April 2011

Well, well, well

I had my wisdom tooth taken out on Friday, and it didn't go very well.
But the good news is, I still can eat very few things, and I lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) since Thursday.
So this morning the scale told me 59.5kg (131.2lbs). BMI: 20.8, for the first time in 2011 below 21.
Not my goal of course, but a good start in the right direction.

The only problem is, my face looks like someone spent hours kicking it like a foot-ball.

Also, I have been training hard over the last two months for my annual mountaineering ski tour with my father, this year from Verbier to Saas Fee starting March 11.
However, both my vacations for the week of March 11 and for Easter have been cancelled at work, so right now things suck badly.
Once again, Steve's furious because he has taken days off and bought an expensive ticket to come here for Easter. And he's right, this is totally unfair.
However, Wolverine (my director) said "You can't expect to take days off AND be promoted to Manager". So what can I possibly do?