Year end

 Almost year end, and while I do not update often, I am reasonably content.

Still fat, super tired (this is one of the seasonal peaks in my job), but overall happy. As time goes by, I keep thinking I'd ideally like to work for 9 or 10 more years and then retire - hopefully live by the seaside in a quiet place. I am not sure husband has the same plans, but recently we had 4 days of bank holiday that we spent home by ourselves and he was commenting on how he had a great time and I said "one day this could be our life - would that be so terrible?".

Don't get me wrong - I'd be happy to retire even now but one must be realistic. I must match my financial needs, my life expectation and my savings. So I think 9 or 10 more years - and still, stopping work at 50 would be quite a luxury!

On a side note, we've booked a vacation in Maldives again in the first week of January - I know we keep going there but hey, this time of the year it's so good and regenerating! We did consider Carribean Islands as well, but the trouble is we still have to attend some videocalls, and anywhere with more than 4 hours difference gets difficult to manage. And Maldives are soooo relaxing!

Lastly, my beloved cat is the spoiled brat of the household - actually he behaves decently and is super affectionate.

Wish you all the best for this year end, dear readers

Quick update

 All is well, except for the lack of progress weight-wise.

Work is busy as usual, Loki is always the best cat in the world. He is now 10 months old and he's super cute and adorable. At least a couple times a week we take him out for walks, although he usually prefers to sit on our shoulders/on top of a backpack for extra support, rather than walking outside. If we stop at a meadow or somewhere quiet he'll happily explore around, but generally speaking he feels safer on my or my husband's shoulders.

We have not neutered him so far; the vet told us that, living without other cats near, he may not start peeing around to mark territory, and so far we've had zero accidents so for the time being, he gets to keep his balls ahahahah. He's a cheerful cat, very cuddly and loves playing. While I would not go as far as saying he loves travelling, he puts up with our weekend trips without any problem.

Not much else going on, except that I keep postponing buying a dress for my friend's wedding (I'll be bridesmaid) hoping I'll manage to drop some weight... at some point I'll have to make up my mind and buy the thing!

Got it

 Somehow I got Covid...

Not sure how really, I came back from Dubai without any issue, tested negative. I suspect a client meeting last Wednesday (we all tested at the beginning of the meeting, but now the client is positive and so am I, so,...)

In any case, I have not lost taste/smell, so I'm as hungry as usual. I guess I got a soft form, it really feels like having a bad cold.

What's really annoying is that I have to work from home - as much as I kind of like a hybrid where I spend half of the day at the office and half at home, I still dislike very much working from home all day. It's boring, I miss office gossip, coffee breaks with my friends, having lunch downtown and so on. Well at least the cat is very happy with me staying at home all day.

Weight wise, I had started well, then gained again in Dubai, but I'll try to stick to restricting onwards.

Otherwise, not much going on I'm afraid..

first steps

 As always, the first week dieting is the easiest - and I shredded 2kg (4.5lbs) relatively easily (I even went out for drinks with the kids at work).

On top of the upcoming wedding, I'll have to go to Dubai for work in 10 days and then it'll be Monte Carlo (again - it's a project that already occurred 3 years ago, see the first two posts here). The main difference is that this time, I'll be carrying around 15/20kg more than the other girls. Shit.

At least going back to those posts made me remember that the hotel I'll be staying at in Dubai provides a scale in the room. And to be honest their gym is pretty awesome.

New year, old goals

 Happy new year bloggers!

My weight is at its highest, and a good friend just invited me to her (very fancy) wedding in Sicily in June.

I need to go back to old methods, also bcs I need to lose weight for medical reasons:

- I'm getting a new Nexplanon implant as dealing with periods has become unmanageable

- my back hurts

- my knees are better than last year but they'd still benefit from less weight to carry.

The good news is our friends who come over for excessive dinners every Sunday are having a baby tomorrow so I expect they won't be so keen about going out for a few weeks at least.

140 days to lose at least 10kg (22lbs). I need to to this, and needless to say, 15kg would be better but I don't think I can do it. 

Today menu is:

breakfast (half cup of cereals with skimmed milk, same as usual)

raw salmon and salad for lunch

baked broccoli, baked pumpkin and 1 kiwi for dinner

On different news, while Loki the cat is potty trained by now, this morning he was in a bad mood and he tried to piss on the bathroom mat. I'm going home after lunch and work from home, hopefully that will raise his spirits.

If you want to know more about Loki, you can follow him on Instagram @loki.the_siberian_cat

Wishful thinking

 When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to be a boy (only one person in the world wanted that more than I did - my mother). Since that was not going to happen, I desperately wanted to be tall and boyish. At 14 I got a boy haircut (which did NOT suit me). I was severely underweight, but I wanted to be tall to be able to ride my brother's enduro motorbike.

I ended up being a tall woman (at least for Italian standards). Years went by and I also ended up being a fat woman.

And funnily, I now wish I was shorter, smaller, petite. I am so jealous of my short friends who, even when they get fat (they usually don't), have such little weight to carry around.

I still wish I was born as a boy.

Wake up call

 This was an accident,

not the kind where sirens sound

never even noticed

we're suddenly crumbling

(show me love, t.A.T.u.)

While we were planning a summer roadtrip that involves visiting some top French wine caves in the Burgundy region, chateaux, middle age towns, kayaking down the Ardèche canyon and relaxing by Lake Annecy, driving around lazily, and then...

Husband suddenly proposed to do a week of diet retreat. He actually sent me the link of a sick place where instead of giving you food they give you an IV with fluids and nutrients. (for the modest price of fucking 5k Euros per person, per week).

Besides the obvious fact that I'd rather shut myself in at home without food for a week rather than flushing money down the toilet like this, the simple think he is considering this kind of plan triggers some huge warnings.

I need to lose weight ASAP. Let' face it - my parents can barely look me in the eyes and are basically ashamed of being around with me. Husband enquires about sick places that are meant for old rich fat people that wannabe anorexic. Do I need any more suggestions?

When T.A.T.U. were famous, no one ever focused much on Lena Katina, even though she was the real voice of the duo. She was probably a normal weight, but she was the fat one of the duo and eye were all over skinny Julia Volkova, the hot skinny bitch.

Overwhelmed

 well the title says it all I guess.

We left Italy on a Friday morning, and as typical, I got my period (since the period know when you have a 11+ hours flight), and it was a bad one, with an horrible backache and all joints (and the damn knee) aching for days.

Miami beach was full of springbreakers, something I would have loved 20 years ago, but I would much rather have enjoyed quiet. Actually the crowds were so bad and unruly the police enforced a curfew, resulting in police sirens and megaphones all night long.

The beach and the parks were really beautiful and the weather amazing. It would have been perfect, had I not been in almost too much pain to walk. Meanwhile, phone conversations with the family were full of cute comments such as "Are you really going to the beach? you are too fat to wear a bikini" and other lovely comments of the kind.

Orlando was nice, although, predictably, I got sick - I take it as a miracle that I did not get covid (2k people in closed spaces with no masks - insane), but the constant swing between hot wet weather outside and AC indoors is a killer for me. The even was beautiful, we had a private night opening of Universal Studios and a lovely evening at a golf place, with a DJ set, fireworks, amazing food and booze etc.

Meanwhile every single pic sent to the family whatsapp chat (such as the one above, in the new dress) resulted in more sneaky comments.

We got back. got tested (negative), and the first thing my father told me on the phone was I need to go on a diet. Cool huh?

On Monday I went to Tuscany for a Partners meeting. The place was lovely (see pics). I did make a mistake in sending a text to the family chat along the lines of "having a vertical tasting of Brunello di Montalcino right now, so not coming home LOL". The reply frtom my father was "You're not coming home because you won't fit through the door".

Frankly, I'm done. I've had enough. For the first 20 years of my life everyone had to stress out that I was not eating enough and that I was such a nuisance for not eating. Then 20 years of telling me I'm too fat. 

I'm fed up - hello, I do see mirrors, and I do own a scale. Just fuck off. No more phone calls from me.

not a huge deal?

 Today is one of those day when I feel like hey, it' not a huge deal. Granted, I've let myself become overweight, but now I'm taking the matter into my hands and drop the weight. I've done it in the past and I will do it again. Hell, I've heard that even eminem got to 100kg at some point and then dropped the weight, and he's 10 years older than I am after all.

The problem in this is always that I tend to have this optimistic feelings only right after breakfast. The will may last for a few days, but to lose the weight I have gained it would take months.

and yet, sometimes I see a reflection in a mirror with the corner of my eye, and it still catches me by surprise to see I'm fat. 

in my dreams I'm always skinny, just like I used to be. I'm not always young, but I'm always skinny - I'll never get over this

All my life I've been waiting

for you to bring a fairytale my way

but living in a fantasy without meaning..

..it's not okay, I don't feel safe

(Anastacia)

Check-up

 Can you please step on the scale?

When I booked the check-up, I knew this was going to happen. And frankly speaking, the clinic scale was kind to me, indicating 1.2kg less than my home scale (2.6lbs)

170cm and 73kg

I stay quiet. I mean, it wasn't a question, it's a statement, so I don't think an answer is needed

Have you experienced any weight gain?

Ah, yes, I had a knee surgery two years ago, and then the lockdowns, and I gained 15 kilos (33lbs my dear American friends). I lost a couple in August and September when I finally started training again, but my knee discus tore again a month and a half ago.

And before your knee accident, did you experience weight swings? Were you ever on a diet?

Uh, no, not really (mind your fucking business)

Any eating issues? 

Nope (mind your business bitch - do you really think I'm going to spill it all over here? This check-up is work sponsored you idiot - I'm not that dumb). 

Yes Doctor - I know I've put on weight and I'm trying to find new forms of training that are respectful of my knee. I'm doing elliptical now, but I used to run a lot in the past. I know I'm a bit overweight and I'm concerned for the impact on my back and on my knee.

Yes, you must lose 10kg

Ok I understand (first of all: I have to lose at least 15, bitch. Second - I hate you and I know what you are going to say)

So you should eat fish or chicken

I'd rather fast than eating those Too late I realize this has slipped out of my mouth. My disgust for fish and chicken is too strong to hide

Ah, but you need to eat fish or meat at lunch, with a side of vegetables, and then fruit. And the blah blah blah blah blah

My thoughts wonder, while I nod furiously and make promises.

This was fucking humiliating

Once upon a time

 Aunt Piera made it so far, and was sent home last weekend. I spent the last two weekends at my parents' place, as Mom (the Panther) really needed some rest and someone to step up on her behalf.

I was VERY happy to see Aunt back, although I must admit she is so much more fragile (I know it sounds absurd as you will tell me the woman was 94 even before her heart attack, but trust me - she was not fragile). It's not just a psychological matter: she cannot hurry or make efforts as she gets angina if she does. On Saturday night, after she spent the day at my parents' place (she had had her third covid shot in the morning) I was walking her to the car as she wanted me to drive her home, and she missed a step. I was kinda expecting this, as my Grandma (her sister) always misses the same step, so I was holding her and she did not fall at all, but she got a bit scared and she immediately had a bit of angina.

Meanwhile Grandmother is less and less lucid and aware - most of the time it's like she'd rather be left alone than having someone talking with her. While I try and understand this, it is very hard for her sister (Aunt P) and her daughter (my Mom).

On Sunday morning Aunt P came over for lunch, and we talked a bit just the two of us, about how much she still misses her husband (who passed 30 years ago), and how they always cared for each other. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 16, and not one year later he went rogue as his older brothers were called to war and they all ran away, so they all spent 2 years in the mountains as partisans. They were not driven by high ideologies, politics, or anything really, except for one strong drive: staying alive. --he would write postcards to his young fiancée, and sometimes she would hike up the mountain to bring him a basket of food.

Later on, while I was driving back to the city, I thought about how skinny and unhappy I was in all those years back from when B left me, until I started dating Husband. How I felt alone, lonely, and how I had gotten used to being sad and hurting.

And yet, Husband deserves more - he started dating a skinny girl, married a normal one, and now has a fat wife.

And I deserve more.

So it's probably time I do something about this - after all, I'll never go back to running again, so it's time to restrict.

Nothin's fine I'm torn

 Well, it's not as dramatic as the title may suggest, but I've torn AGAIN my left knee meniscus, the same one I broke 3 years ago and had surgery on almost two years ago. It took me 15 months from the surgery to walk okay, and now it's fucked up again. (and even before this last event, it was understood that running was a souvenir from the past).

I do not expect anyone has been reading this rambling blog for the last 10 years or so, but running used to be a big part of my life - until 3 years ago. And then, I got fat: no wonder, as I eat the same (or more) and I used to run something in between 18km and 40km per week.

In any case, there is no way I'm repeating surgery . frankly speaking, it was SO NOT WORTH IT - the pains were much more significant than the benefits.

The only problem is this only leaves me one option which is to lose weight. And instead, of course, I keep gaining :-(

PS how did I tear it this time? Oh, by doing exactly the exercises that all doctors and physiotherapists have suggested I do. What the fuck. 

August can be difficult

So we had to buy a new car as the old one was a company car and I had to give it back.

I wanted a Tesla but in the end the chargers are not yet spread enough in this country for it to make sense. I thought we were going to get a Mercedes Class A, went to the shop and Husband started blubbering about a CLA.

At this point I stepped up - there is NO WAY we need such a big car. If that's the budget he had in mind, fine, we were going to get what I liked.

I chose this beauty:

(yes, it does have a hard top - I'm not nuts yet).

No we do not need 4 seats. 2 and a small trunk are absolutely enough.

And what if you need to move something large? I'll hire someone or rent a van

And what if you have a baby? Well, that's not happening, is it? And if it happens, last time I heard you get quite a few months of notice - more than enough to sell the car a buy a larger one.

So we drove off to the Italian and Swiss Alps for a short vacation. Frankly, it wasn't great. We worked too much during the vacation, I got a horrible period with all my body aching full time... The long story short is: i) I can't stand this periods thing any longer and want to get back to Nexplanon; ii) Alps are beautiful and everything, but we haven't been at the sea since Jan20 and I just want to have some peaceful time laying in sun on a beach, not having to climb mountains or anything.

So when we came back to my Parents place at the lake, since I have a few extra days off and Husband wants to go back to work, we decided that I'll stay at the lake a couple more days, working a bit in the morning (this will allow me to take it easy next week, rather than start with a hellish week) and in the afternoons I lay in sun on the inflatable mattress on the lake with Mom (the Panther). I'll also take the cat to the vet on Friday since he has a big lump on his shoulder that will have to be removed - poor kitty!

It's good to cool off a bit and relax, but if the Panther keeps telling me more than 10 times a day that I got horrendously fat and I REALLY REALLY need to drop weight, I might scream.

Summer day

The day ahead is a difficult one and I wake up grumpy. The monster's running wild inside of me, insecure and tired.

I have lunch with all the other equity partners in my group. Most of them had known the 22 years old me. I want them to know that I am the same person - I may be 45 pounds heavier, but I'm still me.

The simple fact I want them to understand this tells me how insecure I am.

I end up opting for a long white strapless dress that is completely okay for drinks on the beach and that is quite out of place in an office. Ironically, this cheers me up just a tiny bit because I will manage to achieve what I want: it doesn't matter that we have aged, I'm still the same person. And if you continue to judge me because I'm not wearing a bra, fine.

I walk towards the office in my flowing dress and sandals, and while I cross the park the sun is right in my face. I squint and look at two bunnies I must have scared, as they sprint away in the grass. I squint some more and the tall man jogging in my direction is my husband. The light is so blinding I squint some more as he approaches.

He stops to quickly drop a kiss on my lips, he's sweated and barely touches me, but I'm in plain sun and his smile when he looks at me tells me everything I need to know.

I resume my walk towards the office, conscious that I'll try to keep cherishing this moment through the day and to hold on to it through the difficult hours ahead.

work fattie, work

Welcome, we love you, we hate you, we love you
We want you, we need you - we wish we were like you
They say you're a saint, you're a whore, you're a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can't live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it's time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

(Garbage "Shut your mounth)

This feels very appropriate.

The partnership admission process started again and I'm in. They said I have a 50% chance. I have not told them I have just sold a €1million project.

Went to buy a pair of jeans today. I must start saying the truth at some point, so here it is: I started the year at my maximum weight ever: 160 pounds. Officially fat, for real, with a BMI of 25.4 and the lowest muscle mass ever. So far, I've only dropped 5 pounds.

I tried the jeans on and felt so ashamed.

Nothing but fat

I'm still around, but not much is happening.

Except for me gaining weight, my mother cooking for 10 when it's 5 of us eating, and then nagging at me for my being fat.

Oh, and for forking out an advance payment of €280k for the flat - the purchase will be final at the end of February. The only one that seems excited about this is my nephew Luke, but then again, he's a sweetheart.

because I'm going deeper and deeper, harder and harder, getting darker and darker

For some complicated and probably stupid reasons, I'm back in the city (illegaly, I might add, since we're still not allowed to travel) and alone (Husband left for southern Italy for work).

Perfect time for a little fasting by the way, and I went to bed all happy and excited, looking forward to my scale in the morning because the first day of fasting always brings incredible joys.

At 1.30 I woke in such agony that it took me 5 minutes to manage to stand. I felt like a hot piece of rod had been somehow inserted at the base of my spine, and my hips were pulsing in waves of pain. I felt nauseous from the pain, and I didn't even want to puke since I had not eaten in 30 hours and I knew it would not help anyway.

I managed to swallow some ibuprofen and ti lay down on my belly, with the pillow propped under my hips, since this somewhat helps with my back ache, but the trouble is it's not a position that fits well with my swollen nose from the allergies.
Tossing and turning, I made it till morning, when I saw my reflection in the mirror and I honestly thought "I've got it. I've got this fucking Covid and I'm going to die alone, like my father in law".
My face was so swollen and the pain so bad, I had such trouble breathing...
But no temperature, and trust me I almost cried when I checked.

Even the scale numbers dropping by 2.4lbs in 24 hours were meaningless.
In any case I had never been this heavy and fat before, so nothing to rejoice I guess.

The real trouble is, I don't have much to look forward. I've been relatively okay at home for the past few months (resulting in fat fat fat fat accumulating).
But then what?
Work will never be the same again. I've been through one crisis before, and even worse, I already knew before the covid that I was not going to make it to equity partner.

So I don't really look forward to the "back to normal". I am not so keen on everyone at work finding out I've become fat.

Last weekend it was Vivien's birthday, and she's been dead for almost two years - I can hardly believe it
I'll never forget you my friend. I'll never know if it was an accident or if you've simply had enough, but I miss you and I'll still do my best to carry on.

Where are you now?

As I get fatter and fatter, I yearn for that vocation, that calling, that muse I used to be able to follow.

All my life I longed to be skinny, but now it's a cry within my soul, hidden deep under the fat. And now I wonder, Ana, where have you been, and will I ever see you again? You've been a gift, for better and for worse, but now you seem to have gone.

What if?

Be careful of what you wish for, my brain whispers me. I know the brain is right.
I seems that, maybe, if everything goes well, blah blah blah, I may be promoted to non equity partner in two months. It's the step before making it.



Allow me a flash-back.
I started working in this specific Big4 when I was 22. I was the youngest, the silliest, the hottest, the skinny bitch who knew nothing but was willing to work VERY hard. I was assigned to a senior manager that we'll call from now on Humbert (Lolita?). He was very demanding, and in the beginning I went home crying a lot at night. Over the following months, B. broke my heart, and although everything seemed a nightmare, Humbert came to appreciate me and supported me at work.
When, not even having spent one year in the firm, I moved to the French office, everyone was angry with me at work, but before I left Humbert called me into his office and encouraged me to keep in touch and to make the most of the experience, and promised I could come back at any time.
Surely neither of us thought that I would come back working for the firm some 12 years later! But that's what happened about one year ago. The firm welcomed me back, and is willing to bet on me. I'm good, granted, but I'm also aware that they need to make female partners, and not many are well positioned as me and my two friends at work to make it :-)


So what am I afraid of?
i) my targets will spike - I know that this year (ending June 30) I'll end up exceeding by far my targets, but I'm cautious about how I can deliver more. Truth is, Humbert (who is now senior partner) is helping me a lot with my sales target. He will keep doing it - if he can. Should the internal political situation change however, his support may no longer be meaningful

ii) will husband be proud enough for me and not feel belittled? This may sound stupid, but hey, this is Italy. My man made it to equity partner - in a Tier 2 firm. Will it be okay for him to have a wife who makes it in a Tier 1 firm?

iii) as much as I want to make it, I know that the partner's daily job is something I like less than my current daily job. I wasn't born to be a salesman, I'm more into the operating part of the job.

iv) Matt, a friend who's one year ahead of me in the process (he'll get promoted to equity partner in June) is now 140kg. That's 308lbs for you Americans. He only uses food to sooth himself, while, let's face it, I am more creative. I (ab)use a mix of a bunch of stuff, most notably wine, pain killers, food, running (less and less these days), and to a much lower extent, drugs. But you guys already know my point: is this sustainable?

Long story short - I'm already planning to rent out Just Cavalli private club to throw the promotion party. I just need to lose weight. And I'm seriously considering a Liposuction.

I'm invincible, yeah I win every single game
I'm so confident, yeah I'm unstoppable today

Oh my heart

I came home to a city half erased
I came home to face.... what we faced
This place needs me here to start
This place is the beat of my heart

I was getting ready and packing my staff when my nephew told me:
"so I really want to try this acrobatics class, but my daddy said that I'm not cut for it"
"I guess it depends Luca. If you aim at the Olympics, whatever you're going to try, at 12 you are too old. If you want to be more agile, and maybe learn a couple of tricks, you should totally go for it!" While I answered readily, my heart was aching - the kid is 12, for God's sake, why does my Bro crash his ambitions? Sport is healthy for him!Meanwhile his sister strikes a mean one : "you must lose weight to do that"
Fuck the little bitch - she's not even really skinny.
Of course Luca turns to get at his sister and I stop him and send her out of the room

"How many of us just had lunch together?"
"Seven"
"Do you know who is the heaviest among those seven?"
"Me?"
"NO!!! Absolutely not! What does your brain tell you sweetie? First you are not tall enough - but it is actually me. You got much skinnier over the past few months, and don't get me wrong, it is good. You want to be more slim? That is fine, and you are right in paying attention to it. But look, you are not fat, you are not. I am definitely fatter than you are"
"But you are beautiful"
"Thank-you darling, that's sweet. But it doesn't change things - I am a bit on the fat side. I'll be paying attention in the next few months - the thing is, there's people like your dad and like grandfather who are naturally skinny, and there's people like us who need to pay a bit more attention. But you need to enjoy life, and sport will always be good for you, Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are not meant for a certain sport - sport is fun, and you should enjoy it! It's good for your body and your mind, and you should try anything that you'd like!"

Lord help me and my nephew, he's only 12. And it's true he used to be fat, but now he's normal - granted, not skinny, but just two months ago the kid ran a 14km race with us, he's healthy now. What the hell does my brother think?

it's sweet, and it's sad, and it's true
how it doesn't look bitter on you
oh my heart, oh my heart, oh my heart!