one step too far?

No posts.
I'm fat.

I would really really like the best manager I have that works for me to hit on me.

I really really hope that does not happen - I know it will not happen.

I still love my husband, but I am freaking out due to work

workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork

fuck

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

These words

All I ever wanted was you: I’ll never get to heaven, ‘cause I don’t know how.

Let’s raise a glass or two, to all the things I’ve lost on you, tell me are they lost on you? Just that you could cut me loose, after everything I’ve lost on you, is that lost on you?

My god, these words. Oh, skinny Lucy, the things I lost on you and in the end I don't have you.

Soon I'll stand up again

I was doing good, and then I messed up again, and I’m, once more, ashamed to confess my scale this morning screamed 131.6lbs back at me (59.7kg).

In addition, On Friday I’m flying to London and I’ll carry a tons of foods to celebrate St. Valentine with my love. I’m talking pure carbs: I’ve got polenta, porcini mushrooms, 2 different kinds of cheese, heart shaped cookies, plus (just for him) salami and chocolate (I bought plenty of cheese and chocolate in Switzerland over the weekend).

I’m hitting the gym 4 times a week (plus I’ve been freeriding yesterday), but I know it’s not enough.

I know it’s no excuse, but work is so hard, I can’t seem to fast like I used to. I’m hoping to do it next week, maybe with Marcus (buddy, please tell me you’re in: together, we can do it!)

I’m sorry I’m not posting as often as I used to: I can’t seem to give my life that spark I had last spring/summer. Most likely, it’s the same spark that helped me losing weight at the time.

But I DO know I have to get skinny soon: the mountaineering ski season is starting in a month (and I’m too heavy to carry myself up to the top of the Alps highest peaks), swimming suit season will start in May, and I seriously need a skinnier body for that.

Then, I’ll hang out at the lake, ride my Vespa, swim and sale, and my life will once again shine.

Or maybe, with Steve so far away, the shining is gone, but I’ll be strong and stand up for my mind’s sake.