Oh the pull

My friend asks me what do I find frightening about the possibility of being pregnant.

I find it so strange that the others do not have the same concerns I have.

9 months without painkillers. The sole idea makes me breathe harder. I have signed up for 20 sessions of back strengthening with a professional in September, but let's be honest... 9 months?

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go 5 weeks without painkillers, but there are times when I spend nights walking in circles around the house since I cannot stand, sit or lay down, and those nights I juggle between Ibuprofen, morphine, cortisol and aspirin in doses that are frankly embarassing.

9 months without drugs, 9 months without wine.

9 months of weight going up without any possibility to revert the trend

and the food? my pregnant friends do not eat any raw vegetable, any milk, any egg unless hard-boiled, any rice, any pasta, any raw fish or raw meat. And this list exhaust everything I DO eat (and like).

Well I met a friend who is a psychiatrist during the weekend and she's had two twins 4 months ago. She told me "the worst part was going 9 months without benzodiazepines". A soul like mine, finally...

We spent the weekend smoking weed, but hey, I stayed away from painkillers. I'm not even kidding myself.

Skinnier or sober? pieces of conversations

Pain is calling me

and it whispers to me softly "come and play"

I am falling

and IF I LET MYSELF FALL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch,

but why do I feel this party is over?

Coming down, coming down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm looking for myself skinnier

When it's good then it's good it's so good 'till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry never again

broken down in agony just trying to puke again.

(this is what I actually hear when I listen to Pink's Sober)

"You need to lose weight darling"

"I know mom, I do"

"Next time I'll cook the meat so it won't be tempting"

"Yes mom, let's do this".

"How much did you lose from last Saturday?"

"3kg" (that's 6.6lbs for you guys)

"It's too much! have you been fasting??"

"No dad. I have had lunch and dinner every day. I'm just stressed. And I probably gained 2kg back in the weekend"

"...."

"I know"

when they drop the C word, it's always shitty

It's been 9 months since we first went to see a doctor about husband breathing problem.
He got nose surgery in May, but they could not remove a small tumor he has on his skull, since they're afraid of touching the brain. Just keep it monired they told us.

The breathing finally seemed to improve in June when we went to Greece - at least for a while.

Then it got worse, with more polips forming in his nose.

In late July he got a mild case of pneumonia - mild also because I got him on antibiotics on day 1.

In august he started complaining about chest pains, and his breathing is worse than ever - his troubles seem to be lung-related now, not just nose-related. My dad happens to be a pneumologist, so he checked him last week and told him to just have a TAC.

As soon as husbad left the room dad told me to have the TAC and other exams done ASAP because, he said, "if he has cancer you'll need to know asap".

Fuck.

Waiting for the TAC results now. Meanwhile, frankly, I understand why he doesn't  quit smoking. Let's face it, who more than people like us can understand that? If I can't manage to get below 60kg, how on earth can I expect that he can stop smoking?

we've barely slept in the past 2 months, since he has so much trouble when we lay dow, and I'm having more and more trouble keeping my shit together at work.

Old habits die hard

I seem to be back to years ago in terms of hectic life.
I left on Sunday morning for Amsterdam and came back last night. On Saturday I'm off to Dubai for a week, then it'll be Montecarlo for another week. work work work work work.

Don't get started with how much fun this is - it is not. I'm too old for this shit.

Meanwhile my husband is also back to his old habits, and on Monday night he claimed he was at home, then disappeared from the world, went out, got shit faced, lost his mobile and faile to show up at a client meeting on Tuesday morning. His team started calling me but I was in Amsterdam and had less news about his whereabouts then his team.

So not looking forward to a good old fight tonight...

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

Crush

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you're mine

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true:
a body like you

Not good. Obsessed with weight. My two best friends from work moved on the other side of the atlantic ocean. I just.. I don't even know. I feel so lonely. This winter is unbearable, it seems to always rain. I need to spend sometime outside in the sun. I need a friend to share a salad with at lunch time. I need attention. I am so fucking needy I'm disgusted by myself

I hadn't even considered hurting myself for years. This is so fucked up.


I will burn for you, feel the pain for you, I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart..
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me.

bad

Lana Del Rey is killing me

Work is killing me

Being fat is killing me

Kiss me all before you go, summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
that baby, you're the best

Mid year moderation meeting at work. Turns out I'm the best of my group. Yet, there may be no place for promotions. Which I already did not get last year.

I'm fat. I'm ashamed of my fatness.

Just wanna go back to when I was 16 and skinny
Living in the UK summertime with Kat, who really was the best at that time.

I really really really feel miserable in my body. I wish I could just no longer care about work and focus on training and dieting.

I cannot die, because then I'd stay fat forever. Nothing scares me more.

Kat is gone, my sweet 16 are gone, the time when I was skinny's gone.

All that's left is this fat sitting on my belly, on my bootie, on my legs, every fucking where.

MRI outcome

The not so bad news is I did not gain weight over the weekend. I trained, ate about one thousand deep fried pumpkin flowers, one shit ton of salad, and somehow, maintained.

The bad news is, I got my MRI scheduled on Monday, and the outcome is, while the bones are fine (which is good I admit), the tendons of both my hips are not fine.
And this means, I'm supposed to stop training.

Now, this is not going to happen.
I'm getting married in 35 days and I'm supposed to fit into that fucking tight dress I bought.

The upside is they gave me different painkillers which are also supposed to smooth the problem, and those DO work, so finally I'm walking almost like a normal girl.
Also, I'm seeing a physiotherapist on weekends.

I did drop the 30 days shred at day 24 (many of the moves hurt too much), and I cannot run.
I have picked up the 6pack6weeks by Jillian Michaels, and I'll try to do the elliptical machine at the gym.
Honestly, this whole thing pisses me off so much I can't even tell you.

Stop training for one month means throwing away months of fatigue and sweat. I hate it! 

Formidable

16 days into the 30 days shred challenge.
I did the 30ds train 15 times, plus I've been running 4 times (much less than usual, but I have an aching hip, due to an old rheumatism.

I feel like an old witch
I look like an obese seal.

I kinda hate myself

Goodbye my friend

Goodbye my friend.

You have been a good companion, for 9 years you have been always there for us.
You were always home whenever I cam home, waiting for me on the door mat into your small house.

You were always ready to cuddle into my lap, ronfing yourself to sleep, pawning softly my legs.

9 years ago, in early September you came along, 20 days old, meowing in desperation after being abandoned. It was a lovely sunny day, just like yesterday.

You were so shy, you rarely left the garden.

Why did you have to cross the road yesterday?

To whomever hit you with the car:
I know sometimes accidents happens. But you should have stopped to ring my bell. I would have taken you 2 minutes. Instead you just kept driving, leaving Salomé dying there on the concrete. I hope you get run over by a car and that nobody helps you. I hope you lay there suffering too.

I found her laying outside the gate, she tried to come home. I looked to heartbeat and breath, but she was gone already.
I was so annihilated when some people passing by stopped looking at me, crouched by her, I screamed at them.

You were my first and only cat, and I'll never forget you. I miss you so much already, it hurts so badly.

Rest in peace Salomé, my beautiful and loved friend.