a difficult post

 My grandmother is dying. Well, we all are, technically speaking, but she has stopped eating a few days ago, and she's sleeping all the time now. Christmas was a mistake - her sister and her daughter (my mom) really wanted to be with her, so we picked her up for the small family lunch we had organized (grannie, her sister Aunt P, my parents, myself and Huband - Bro was in Germany at his inlaws), The whole Group hasv got 3 anticovid shots, and Husband and I had tested negative (just in case).

On the 24th Mom and I were supposed to do the usual: prepare fresh pasta dough, make it in sheets, cook it and prepare lasagna. Mom was late so I got started - by the time she came in, she was exhausted - she had been at Granni's to shower her, and right after being showered and dressed, Grannie puked all over herself and the couch, and as soon as she was cleaned and changed again, she needed to pee but didn't make it in time. I tried to lighten up the atmosphere and I think I did succeed to some extent.

On Christmas morning, when we picked Granny from her place, she did not recognize me (nor did she afterwards) - until last week, she knew me, and I it as a bad sign.

She did not eat of course, and spent the grand 90 minutes she was at my parents sleeping on the couch and puking from time to time - she didn't even say a word to Aunt P or my mom, and frankly speaking that's the hardest part.

When she said she wanted to go home, my dad and I walked her to the car (some 30 meters from the living room, no steps), but at some point she was too tired and let herself slip. Luckily we were quite ready and caught her (at the expense of my knee... more later). We made it to the car, and asked Husband to come with us - luckily he's a big guy, tall and strong, because the only thing we could think of, to bring her up to her place (she has stairs) was to bring down a chair, move her from the car to the chair and carry the chair and herself upstairs, which was quite a nightmare.

The worst part is that my mom and Aunt P are really suffering through this. It does not make any sense for me to stay at Granny as she does not want me there - since she no longer knows who I am, it stresses her to have strangers around. And I don't really know what to do to help my mom, besides talking to her. Well, she was very grateful with the new Ipad we got her for Xmas, and I did download her movies and a couple of books on Audible to help her pass time when she's at Granny's place (Granny's sleeping all the time, so..) but that's not much really to do but to wait for the end.

I also felt for Husband, who lost his mom over last year Boxing Day, and I was hoping to offer him a more cheerful break this year, but it is what it is.

On a different note, I went to see the doctor today, and his comment was that my knee's quite fucked up and no miracles can be expected. He said the damage goes well beyond the meniscus, and it looks like the rotula's partly compromised. In any case he game me a shot of steroids and I'll be back for more infiltrations of hyaluronic acid. Worst part is he ordered I stop for a while any kind of training including the elliptical machine, on which I've been spending 5 hours a week. Shit.

So, apologies for the depressing post. Really looking forward to Maldives in 10 days, provided we manage to avoid Covid (75% of my coworkers either have it or are quarantined for close contacts.... no shit)

a selfish post

 While pretty much everyone's on vacation, I decided to stay in the city and catch up with a couple of projects where the managers are home sick with Covid. I'm down of three resources in my team due to Covid - and each of them had been vaccinated with two shots in summer.

Fuck.

I'm getting my third dose next Sunday, and I've been careful and managed to avoid covid sofar. But I'm overwhelmed with work, having to step in for those colleagues. In addition, other assholes are seriously underperforming, which results in more and more time to review.

I've tried to increase my training, and while I do see a difference (meaning that I manage to increase my time and resistance on the elliptical machine), yesterday I managed to walk around with a too dried-skin on my feet that resulted in a long cut that now hurts. Shit.

I really hope we're not going into another lock-down - trip to Maldives is lined up for January 6, and both Husband and I are really looking forward to it. Fingers crossed.

Check-up

 Can you please step on the scale?

When I booked the check-up, I knew this was going to happen. And frankly speaking, the clinic scale was kind to me, indicating 1.2kg less than my home scale (2.6lbs)

170cm and 73kg

I stay quiet. I mean, it wasn't a question, it's a statement, so I don't think an answer is needed

Have you experienced any weight gain?

Ah, yes, I had a knee surgery two years ago, and then the lockdowns, and I gained 15 kilos (33lbs my dear American friends). I lost a couple in August and September when I finally started training again, but my knee discus tore again a month and a half ago.

And before your knee accident, did you experience weight swings? Were you ever on a diet?

Uh, no, not really (mind your fucking business)

Any eating issues? 

Nope (mind your business bitch - do you really think I'm going to spill it all over here? This check-up is work sponsored you idiot - I'm not that dumb). 

Yes Doctor - I know I've put on weight and I'm trying to find new forms of training that are respectful of my knee. I'm doing elliptical now, but I used to run a lot in the past. I know I'm a bit overweight and I'm concerned for the impact on my back and on my knee.

Yes, you must lose 10kg

Ok I understand (first of all: I have to lose at least 15, bitch. Second - I hate you and I know what you are going to say)

So you should eat fish or chicken

I'd rather fast than eating those Too late I realize this has slipped out of my mouth. My disgust for fish and chicken is too strong to hide

Ah, but you need to eat fish or meat at lunch, with a side of vegetables, and then fruit. And the blah blah blah blah blah

My thoughts wonder, while I nod furiously and make promises.

This was fucking humiliating

Once upon a time

 Aunt Piera made it so far, and was sent home last weekend. I spent the last two weekends at my parents' place, as Mom (the Panther) really needed some rest and someone to step up on her behalf.

I was VERY happy to see Aunt back, although I must admit she is so much more fragile (I know it sounds absurd as you will tell me the woman was 94 even before her heart attack, but trust me - she was not fragile). It's not just a psychological matter: she cannot hurry or make efforts as she gets angina if she does. On Saturday night, after she spent the day at my parents' place (she had had her third covid shot in the morning) I was walking her to the car as she wanted me to drive her home, and she missed a step. I was kinda expecting this, as my Grandma (her sister) always misses the same step, so I was holding her and she did not fall at all, but she got a bit scared and she immediately had a bit of angina.

Meanwhile Grandmother is less and less lucid and aware - most of the time it's like she'd rather be left alone than having someone talking with her. While I try and understand this, it is very hard for her sister (Aunt P) and her daughter (my Mom).

On Sunday morning Aunt P came over for lunch, and we talked a bit just the two of us, about how much she still misses her husband (who passed 30 years ago), and how they always cared for each other. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 16, and not one year later he went rogue as his older brothers were called to war and they all ran away, so they all spent 2 years in the mountains as partisans. They were not driven by high ideologies, politics, or anything really, except for one strong drive: staying alive. --he would write postcards to his young fiancée, and sometimes she would hike up the mountain to bring him a basket of food.

Later on, while I was driving back to the city, I thought about how skinny and unhappy I was in all those years back from when B left me, until I started dating Husband. How I felt alone, lonely, and how I had gotten used to being sad and hurting.

And yet, Husband deserves more - he started dating a skinny girl, married a normal one, and now has a fat wife.

And I deserve more.

So it's probably time I do something about this - after all, I'll never go back to running again, so it's time to restrict.

Family shenanigans

 I started this post a few times already, and then cancelled it. I guess I'll try again.

Grandma is more and more volatile these days (she's 98 and in good health, but her memory is getting more and more fragile). She started sleeping most of the time, and has suddenly reduced significantly her food intake (which is a polite way to say that until 2 weeks ago she ate like a pig, and now she eats like a picky anorexic). We initially blamed this on a temporary effect from her third dose of vax, but it did not change.

Her sister, Aunt P, is really like another grandmother to my family: the two sisters were always close, Aunt P and her late husband did not have kids and she's always been very much involved with us. I remember that when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with Aunt P and her husband (as I did not attend kindergarden) and I remember going to ski with them, and even a vacation in Austria. They were such a cool couple!

Uncle passed away at 64, almost 30 years ago and our relationship with Aunt P was even reinforced while, as she grew old, she relied more and more on us being the only family left she had.

On Sunday I received a call from mom who was crying and sobbing loud. It took me a few minutes to understand that Aunt P, who is now 94, had had a heart attack. I was 3 hours drive away and sped home as fast as I could. Poor Aunt was home alone, and although by the time I got there she was already at the hospital in ICU, her house was a mess. The poor woman had tried to crawl to the phone but was not able to place a call - in the process, she had thrown up all over the place.

I helped my mom cleaning up the mess and regaining a bit of composure, and by the time I drove back to the city it was almost early morning.

She made it, but she was scheduled for another coronary angiography last night... which she refused. Dad, who's a cardiologist, says she's gonna have another heart attack unless she undergoes the procedure. 

Meanwhile, my grandmother keeps trying to phone her sister and complains she's never home - we've told grandma several times about the accident, but she simply forgets. And even worse, we all believe that her relationship with her sister is one of the things that makes her hold on, and missing her probably does not help.

Ah whatever, I foresee a difficult month ahead.

Nothin's fine I'm torn

 Well, it's not as dramatic as the title may suggest, but I've torn AGAIN my left knee meniscus, the same one I broke 3 years ago and had surgery on almost two years ago. It took me 15 months from the surgery to walk okay, and now it's fucked up again. (and even before this last event, it was understood that running was a souvenir from the past).

I do not expect anyone has been reading this rambling blog for the last 10 years or so, but running used to be a big part of my life - until 3 years ago. And then, I got fat: no wonder, as I eat the same (or more) and I used to run something in between 18km and 40km per week.

In any case, there is no way I'm repeating surgery . frankly speaking, it was SO NOT WORTH IT - the pains were much more significant than the benefits.

The only problem is this only leaves me one option which is to lose weight. And instead, of course, I keep gaining :-(

PS how did I tear it this time? Oh, by doing exactly the exercises that all doctors and physiotherapists have suggested I do. What the fuck. 

August can be difficult

So we had to buy a new car as the old one was a company car and I had to give it back.

I wanted a Tesla but in the end the chargers are not yet spread enough in this country for it to make sense. I thought we were going to get a Mercedes Class A, went to the shop and Husband started blubbering about a CLA.

At this point I stepped up - there is NO WAY we need such a big car. If that's the budget he had in mind, fine, we were going to get what I liked.

I chose this beauty:

(yes, it does have a hard top - I'm not nuts yet).

No we do not need 4 seats. 2 and a small trunk are absolutely enough.

And what if you need to move something large? I'll hire someone or rent a van

And what if you have a baby? Well, that's not happening, is it? And if it happens, last time I heard you get quite a few months of notice - more than enough to sell the car a buy a larger one.

So we drove off to the Italian and Swiss Alps for a short vacation. Frankly, it wasn't great. We worked too much during the vacation, I got a horrible period with all my body aching full time... The long story short is: i) I can't stand this periods thing any longer and want to get back to Nexplanon; ii) Alps are beautiful and everything, but we haven't been at the sea since Jan20 and I just want to have some peaceful time laying in sun on a beach, not having to climb mountains or anything.

So when we came back to my Parents place at the lake, since I have a few extra days off and Husband wants to go back to work, we decided that I'll stay at the lake a couple more days, working a bit in the morning (this will allow me to take it easy next week, rather than start with a hellish week) and in the afternoons I lay in sun on the inflatable mattress on the lake with Mom (the Panther). I'll also take the cat to the vet on Friday since he has a big lump on his shoulder that will have to be removed - poor kitty!

It's good to cool off a bit and relax, but if the Panther keeps telling me more than 10 times a day that I got horrendously fat and I REALLY REALLY need to drop weight, I might scream.

Summer day

The day ahead is a difficult one and I wake up grumpy. The monster's running wild inside of me, insecure and tired.

I have lunch with all the other equity partners in my group. Most of them had known the 22 years old me. I want them to know that I am the same person - I may be 45 pounds heavier, but I'm still me.

The simple fact I want them to understand this tells me how insecure I am.

I end up opting for a long white strapless dress that is completely okay for drinks on the beach and that is quite out of place in an office. Ironically, this cheers me up just a tiny bit because I will manage to achieve what I want: it doesn't matter that we have aged, I'm still the same person. And if you continue to judge me because I'm not wearing a bra, fine.

I walk towards the office in my flowing dress and sandals, and while I cross the park the sun is right in my face. I squint and look at two bunnies I must have scared, as they sprint away in the grass. I squint some more and the tall man jogging in my direction is my husband. The light is so blinding I squint some more as he approaches.

He stops to quickly drop a kiss on my lips, he's sweated and barely touches me, but I'm in plain sun and his smile when he looks at me tells me everything I need to know.

I resume my walk towards the office, conscious that I'll try to keep cherishing this moment through the day and to hold on to it through the difficult hours ahead.

Signs of "normal" ahead

 The moment I stepped into the venue, a song from my pre-teen years started playing. The venue was entirely reserved for our party, and the sound was a bit eerie. It so sounds like my life with this job, and it goes, more or less like this (with some minor, liberal changes in the translation).

It's useless to talk about it, you'd never understand. I follow you anywhere, just to see where you lead me; I feel a bit childish, but I know you won't stop the dream of living in a movie.

And suddenly, you came into my life - I don't know who decided it, but I found myself in a daily struggle with rationality, and it is fine, as long as it brings me forward.

How come? What are you? To do this to me?

Nights and days all over you, caring for you

Tell me how come? What are you? To do this to me?

All this time for you, praying for a yes.

I know it sounds silly, but it didn't. Even more so when I later found out that my husband had asked the guys from the venue to play this when we walked in <3

The party was amazing, and I think part of that was due to the fact that it had been so long since the last time the team was able to gather and party properly, which used to be one of the beautiful things of this job and completely and suddenly disappeared 16 months ago.

My team was adorable - they even gifted me with a bottle of Sassicaia (honestly, they shouldn't have) - when they kicked us out because we were violating the curfew, they bought me the silly crown below. The pic is from the morning after.

I've also received my first shot of Pfizer and so did husband - we're scheduled for the second one mid-July. I cannot wait to go back to normal life.

One moment in time

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me ONE MOMENT IN TIME
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

(Whitney Houston)

In case you are still wondering, I'm heading to the party in honor of my promotion to equity partner. 

It's been a crazy week, with even a couple of tears in honor of the young, skinny, naive girl who always thought she wasn't good enough for this and she needed to find a job, who faced things a person shouldn't have to face, who messed up, cleaned up her mess, who stood up straight.

Now it's time for fun - like an idiot I forgot the coke at home but I'm sure it'll be fun - it doesn't even matter I'm not skinny tonight. Tonight, it's about what I've done and what I've achieved.

I wanted it bad

 The gym finally opened, and it was right about time - as suddenly yesterday my sister in law announced that she will get married on June 5, and I'm quite confident I cannot fit into any of my dresses.

I managed to do some spinning and then a yoga workout this morning, and man, did I miss real training! It's also good for the allergy - which has been a pain lately, I even passed out on Sunday due to low blood pressure as I haven't been sleeping a lot.

Of course it's not the same as running - I'll always miss running I think. I even dream of it sometimes, and it feels like these good dreams in which you can fly or you can breathe under water (you guys do et these right??).

I started this week at 160lbs, with a BMI of 25.4. I ama ashamed, but I feel I need to put this down, in order to focus on improving. In two days I'll be eligible to book my vax, and I'll probably be able to get my first shot in July. It's high time to leave covid behind, get out, work out and drop this belly.

On June 2nd the firm will announce the promotions to equity partners. I still do not know if I'll be in the announcement... If I get promoted, I'll go back to bright blonde hair. If I'm not, I'll go for a darker shade (ash blonde). It's a bit sad that I no longer care as much as I used to...

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let's be clear I'll trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cos I've got an elastic heart

(SIA)

Wine binge

 Something that never fails to atsnonish me is this:

Puking is easier than taking a leak

You have a right hand right?

You fucking staff that down your throat till only your wrist shows

 trouble is you only puke what you ingested in the last 15/20minutes or so.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck

I even brought husband home and fuck I still need to deal with calories and drunk ness while I had to talk the cab driver into taking him on the ride

 I fucking want 

I don't know Any longer

Moved in

 I have been moving into the new apartment, and working (of course)

I have not been loosing weight (sadly, and of course)

I have a nice new walk-in closet. I have a perfect line of blouses hanging by colour, from white to black, which I no longer fit into.

I've also been having some good sex with my love in my beautiful bed - the pic was taken before we got the plants on the terrace ;-)

More in the next days

ugh

 At the highest weight ever, tired like hell, overworked, overworked, overworked.

I'll try some fasting, maybe it could be doable considering Husband will be away for work for a few days.

I really really really want to go on vacation. I want to be back in Greece, one week on the beach by ourselves, just walking early in the morning, laying in sun all day, swimming a bit now and then, eating tomatoes, reading and sleeping.

Also, spring allergies are kicking in, and I can't even describe the stares I got this morning while sneezing on the tube (with a mask of course)

Derailed rumblings of an M&A consultant

Last week we finalized the purchase of the flat.

We'll be moving in within 2 months - we need to have some changes done in the inside, and we have already ordered furniture.

I am looking forward to that, but I'm so exhausted that I have a hard time thinking that I shall move utilities to the new house. Work has really been overwhelming and, from an emotional standpoint, draining. It seems I might be making it to equity partner in June - please do not cheer, it's too early.

Meanwhile, I won a huge engagement for my top client, the same one I mentioned in the post "Sometimes" back in September.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, they call me every other month or so for a quick chat. It gets awkward over time, because I'm less and less part of their lives. I never was really, I know little of their life outside work. Sometimes the project lasts for years, and it's harder to let go, even for me. Sometimes there is even a new project, and suddenly they realize that when this one will be over, we'll probably never see each other again. And you end up with bleary eyes on both sides, because you'll miss each other.

 Trouble is, the corporation is the same, but V (he) is not officially involved this time. Working for them has always been draining, but the upside was working with him. Now that he's officially not involved, this project has been a mess so far and promises to get worse.

So after talking to him about twice a week over the phone for the last 2 months, we went out for drinks. As soon as I stepped into the wine bar and saw V, I knew it was a mistake. I don't care I said in past I don't think he's an attractive man, it was like a pheromones path led straight to him. The conversation kept derailing between work and personal matters. I don't even know how I ended in his arms outside the bar, my eyes searching his ones, knowing I was going to regret this but practically begging for him to kiss me.

I woke up all grumpy at my sister in law house and the dream was so vivid I spend the morning wondering about him, stalking V's wife social media profiles and finally sending him a message on whatsapp (about professional matters). V is in London, we are in lockdown, I've certainly not been outside a bar without a mask, nor inside any batr at night, for the past 4\217986\287963947194\834629\7 years or at least that's what it feels like, and I'm certainly not involved with V.

By lunch time I was all over my husband, in love with him to the moon and back.

Night falls and V calls me. The conversation sticks to professional matters for the most, and he tells me a number of things that spark my anxiety. Finally he says the new company they'll incorporate will be based in London but operating in Milan and I ask him if he's moving back to ITaly or not, and he says he'll stay in London. Which is probably for the best.

Next week I have my final interview for the equity partnership admission process. IF that goes well, I'll have to fork out €100,000 in July . not sure where I'm going to find this kind of money considering how much I've thrown into the new flat but we'll see.

 

Oh my heart

 A couple weeks ago, we were spending the weekend at my parents' place.

I organized an aperitivo with Bro's family and the Parents joined us in our downstairs living room. We had a magnum bottle of excellent prosecco, I had baked some focaccia and my special bread served with a cheese spread, the cat did not leave my husband's lap for a second, even Meatball the hamster made an appearance. The fire was cracking happily, Bro and the Sponsor (aka my father) did not talk about hospitalcs for once (they are both doctors). 

By the time everyone was leaving I was mentally patting my shoulder for such a successful femily event, and then..

as soon as my mother stepped out, Bro's wife started screaming at me that she was immensely offended by a comment the Panther (aka my mother) had made.

I drunkenly tried to calm her and agree that she was right (she was), that the PAnther could and should not have said it (she shouldn't have) and that the Panther doesn't mean evil, she simply can be a bit of a bitch sometimes (she can) and that she is having a hard time (she is).

Useless.

As years go by, I still cannot understand neither of them. Why can't they simply live peacefully? Avoind making nasty comments and avoid making scenes?

And all of this with my husband in the room, thinking we all had such a good relationship with his mom who loved each of us and yet passed.

Mother, Father, I stand beside you

The good of this world

Might help see me through

This place need me here to start

This place is the beat of my heart

Oh my heart, oh my heart

Oh my heart, oh my heart!

(REM)

still fat

 I'm about to loose my mind,

I've been fat for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor, call me a doctor, I need a doctor

To bring me back to life...

work fattie, work

Welcome, we love you, we hate you, we love you
We want you, we need you - we wish we were like you
They say you're a saint, you're a whore, you're a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can't live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it's time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

(Garbage "Shut your mounth)

This feels very appropriate.

The partnership admission process started again and I'm in. They said I have a 50% chance. I have not told them I have just sold a €1million project.

Went to buy a pair of jeans today. I must start saying the truth at some point, so here it is: I started the year at my maximum weight ever: 160 pounds. Officially fat, for real, with a BMI of 25.4 and the lowest muscle mass ever. So far, I've only dropped 5 pounds.

I tried the jeans on and felt so ashamed.

Grieving, again

 In the last week of the year, my mother in law died.

She had an ictus an than extensive brain bleding. The country being in the situation it is, hospitals are full, and they did not admit her past ER. To be fair, she lived 15 minutes drive from a major hospital, and it took 5 hours and a half for an ambulance to come, pick her up and bring her to ER. You cannot drive yourself to ER or a family member these days, due to covid19.

By the time she was checked into ER, her brain was gone, she was in a deep coma. The doctors called my sister in law and explained she had 1 or two days left and that another ambulance would drive her back home, since they did not have free beds and she was terminal.

At least my husband, one of his brothers and his sister were with her at the end (the other 2 brothers had  unfortunately left to grab a bite some 10 minutes earlier). It was good for them I think, but really, it made me understand that it's so true when they say everyone dies alone. She was not conscious.

After all, the main measure taken by our government after months of debate on the pandemic, was spending 3 billions euros to equip schools with desks with wheels to ensure social distancing (and schools were only opened for three weeks in September, then they closed again).

Being the stubborn person I am, of course I always liked my mother in law and had a very good relationship with her. My husband is not the kind to express feelings, but I can see he's really in pain.

Since the family is strongly catholic, they had the open coffin in the house for 4 days, with people coming in from 7AM to 9PM. It was exhausting. Most people would start praying as soon as they step in, reciting what we call a Rosary (roughly, it's 50 Hail Marys, 5 PAter Nosters and a bunch of other prayers).

By the day of the funeral everyone was a train wreck - her priest son celebrated a beautiful functions, that made everyone cry (I really admire how good he was with words and memories, all without faltering - well not faltering too much). These poor guys have lost both their parents in 2020, and there's really not much anyone can do.

Finally yesterday, after the funeral, we decided to go back to our place in Milan (we won't be able to move in the new flat before the end of April).

On other news, I was late with periods for a while around Christmas, but then our hopes were crushed. Also, it seems they are putting me in the equity partners admittance process again, with a 50% chances of success. Frankly speaking, we came to a point where I'd rather not be made equity partner, but I'll develop more in the next post.

And the sad truth of how much more weight I have gained in these weeks of overeating and staying at home finally hit me very hard this morning.

This really need to go back to a weight loss blog.

Song of the day:

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens,

Whipe my nose, get my new boots on.

I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter

I put my hands in my fathers gloves

(...)

I hear a voice: You must learn to stand up

for yourself, 'cause I can't always be around

When you're gonna make up your mind?

When you're gonna love you as much as I do?

When you're gonna make up your mind?

These things are gonna change so fast

All the white horses are still in bed

I tell you that I'll always want you near

You say that things change

My dear, never change

I like Tori Amos, but I love Dream Theater cover for this one.