Faithless

The fact that waking up at 61.3kgs (135pounds) and finding it's the lowest weight I've been over the past two years or so is freaking depressing.

The fact that I've dropped 6.4kgs from the beginning of December is a bit more cheering

The fact that Hubby has dropped 4 kilos without trying since Monday is fucking depressing. Poor Hubby had nose surgery on Monday and he's bee living on ice cream since. Had I done that, I would have gained 4 kilos instead of dropping LOL

However I'm overall on a good path. I've set up a routine that is, overall, relatively easy to follow.
I have protein shake for beakfast
skip lunch
eat chicken and veggis for dinner, or tuna and veggies. Sometimes I throw in some tzatziki.
I avoid wine unless on Fridays
I binge on saturday night and sunday lunch and than go back to routine

I still look and am fat. I hope to reach 59kg before vacation (3 weeks from now). Since I'll spend one week working from my parents' place all alone, maybe I'll manage (I have to stay there when they are on vacation, to be easily within reach of my grand mother and take care of her in mornings - she's 97 and lives on her own, but when parents are away it's up to me to shower her and shop for her).

I know how idiotic this sounds, but if I manage to drop 2kg in the next three weeks, this may kind of restore a little bit of faith in myself. Over the past 6 months, I haven't believed for a single second I can achieve anything in life anymore.


Lastly, I changed hair color, having it faded from bronde on the crown to caramel blond, with blond highlights in front. Still unsure about it, but IF I drop the desired weight I might post pics from my vacation

Safe in my own skin?

After Dubai, it was one week in Montecarlo.
Same client, who operates restaurants and night venues. Never seen so many Ferraris and Lambos in my life.
It was like the world was spinning and it was mostly populated by supercars, diaphane hookers, musicians and singers dressed like the 70s were now, dwarves (yes, dwarves), shishas, 30 liters bottles of Dom Perignon. And in the morning at their offices trying to figure the business, while my head experienced troubles addying 2 and 2.

Carrying around 10/15kg more than all the other girls tends to be depressing. I don't care that most of the girls were hookers, that is not the point. And in the end, how different are we?
I don't have sex with clients, but truly I still have to make them feel successful, smart, powerful and brave. I sell them my skills and knowledge in principle, but practically I sell my time. My time away from home, away from what I care.

The saddest part is that I am totally aware that I'll have to work all my life, and I'm also aware this work/life balance is unsustainable even in the short term. I can no longer manage it, blame it on the age, on the responsibilities it doesn't matter. I just can no longer manage it.

And I tried, I tried quitting, I tried working in a corporate and where did it lead me? If fucked up my mind in first place, and the other consequences, the real ones are/were unspeakeable. Vivien is dead and there is no going back, and I'd rather not even considering that kind of adventure again.

gone

I flew back from Greece on Sunday morning, landed happily and got a call.
From a former coworker.
He said "Look I don't know how else to say this, Vivien died"
I actually asked him if this was a bad joke. Vivien, 42, beautiful, healthy and lovely cannot be dead
Vivien, who adopted a troubled, orphaned teenager last summer
Vivien, my friend, who could be trusted to always make sense
Vivien, the kind one, who talked too much and who everyone loved

Vivien drowned last Saturday

Vivien was definitely not the sporty kind, but one thing she could do was swimming. Born and raised by the Mediterrean, swim she could.

Vivien, who a couple weeks ago, when I bailed out of drinks (explaining I had to be at my grandmother's place as my parents were on vacation on the premises I would stay with Granny who's 94) wrote me "I'm thinking of giving up"

We spoke afterwards and she said she was a bit overwhelmed with her kid, but the thought is there

Goodbye my friend. You were awesome. I don't believe in an afterlife. But I do belive you left a sign. So many people were crying at your funeral. We miss you already


Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
I'll let the judges frown

And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be
Goodbye my friend

train, eat and work

Came in from a sunny Saturday, at work.
I thought I saw something in the mirror.

I turn on on my laptop, work, listen to music
Still, I can't escape the ghost of me.

What is happening to it all? Crazy, someone say
Where is the Lucy that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world, somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive.


Well now pride's gone out the window, past the rooftop, gone away...


(thought remotely inspired and adapted to Duran Duran's "Ordinary world", although I suspect if anyone's still reading, they'll be too young to know it)