Cold as stone

You can sleep forever, still, you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone, still, you won't find peace.

I feel I'm just spending (wasting time)

Only with mellow are you thin enough to slide through
Don't let nothin' ride you
If the sun or the moon would give way to doubt, they would immediately go out
Only one swallow doesn't make a summer - but you gotta start somewhere

I've been waiting, I'm still waiting, I've been waiting, I've been waiting, I've been waiting, I'm still waiting
I'm with you - with you IT'S ALWAYS ONE STEP TOO FAR
One step too far

Last night

"Are you driving home tonight?"

"Yes Mom, as promised. I'll chack on Granny as soon as I'm there"

"Good. I did not leave any food at home. You'll be better fasting anyways"

"Ok Mom"

(And what about Husband?)

Ended feeding eggs, salad and anchovies with cheese to Husband, and a small portion for me.

Today

Woke up extra early, Husband drove back to the city and I went running by the lake. It was awesome.

I'm no longer use to being alone. That's what years of marriage do to you I suppose.

Does Granny feel this way? She's 97. It's Thursday and she is not used to Mom being away. Called already twice this morning saying why did I not show up, it's Saturday and we planned to shower. 

Poor Granny. I'll go later today of course. 

Retarded or civilized?

I don't know which one I am.
landed in Dubai at 4AM - couldn't sleep in the plane despite all the complementary Moet et Chandon. Too much going on, anxiety is spiking and it was too warm anyways.

It's 40 fucking degrees here.

Why is everyone excited about Dubai? I'm probably retarded from the lack of sleep (I snoozed one hour in the hotel and then headed into work, and it's night now). But I do not understand this place. Staying next to the Burji Khalifa or whatever the huge skyscraper is called.
When I ask where can I go for a walk, the answer I get is: there is a free shuttle to Dubai Mall Madam.

There seems to be literally no place around here to go and stroll outdoors.

I want to die already

On another note, they do have a scale in this huge bedroom, which I fucking love.
Food is so fucking expensive one should really consider it they are really hungry before ordering. Sadly, it's the client who pays in my case, so that does not apply.

Old habits die hard

I seem to be back to years ago in terms of hectic life.
I left on Sunday morning for Amsterdam and came back last night. On Saturday I'm off to Dubai for a week, then it'll be Montecarlo for another week. work work work work work.

Don't get started with how much fun this is - it is not. I'm too old for this shit.

Meanwhile my husband is also back to his old habits, and on Monday night he claimed he was at home, then disappeared from the world, went out, got shit faced, lost his mobile and faile to show up at a client meeting on Tuesday morning. His team started calling me but I was in Amsterdam and had less news about his whereabouts then his team.

So not looking forward to a good old fight tonight...

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

Where are you now?

As I get fatter and fatter, I yearn for that vocation, that calling, that muse I used to be able to follow.

All my life I longed to be skinny, but now it's a cry within my soul, hidden deep under the fat. And now I wonder, Ana, where have you been, and will I ever see you again? You've been a gift, for better and for worse, but now you seem to have gone.

How do I do it?

How do I do it?
Woke at 5.50 AM, washed up, squeezed my belly into white trousers an an oversize marine blue silk blouse, high heeled booties and ponytail.
I left home at 6.30, heading to the train station. At 7AM I was on the bullet train, laptop on, working. Started conference calls in French at 8.30, reached my destination in the North East at 10 and got into a meeting until 4.30PM. Back to the train station, hopped on the train again, got a conference call with the US (in English), one with another client (in French), one with my boss (in Italian) and another one with a French guy working in a PE in London (in French). In between I tried to brainstorm with the team. At 7.30 the calls were over and I started working.
Arrived at 8.30 in Milan, took a cab, called Mum, got home and started working again.
It's 10 PM, we have no smoke at home, I'm debating whether to wake up at 5 or 6 to get to work tomorrow (luckily from the office). I already know that my last call for tomorrow is scheduled at 7PM (thank-you, US guys for not understanding it's Friday night).
I've been eating sandwiches on the go and milk and cookies all week.
No wonder I'm such a mess.

These words

All I ever wanted was you: I’ll never get to heaven, ‘cause I don’t know how.

Let’s raise a glass or two, to all the things I’ve lost on you, tell me are they lost on you? Just that you could cut me loose, after everything I’ve lost on you, is that lost on you?

My god, these words. Oh, skinny Lucy, the things I lost on you and in the end I don't have you.

Fuck off moon

After everyone else in the world, I finally got this fucking respiratory infection that's been running around the whole month. Husband caught it on his way back from Colorado (which of course was on the day Delta airlines fucked up, and needless to say he was flying Delta). Then we spent a couple days in the Swiss Alps, and 3 days in central Italy by the seaside (before the earthquake luckily) with fat friends.
On a side note, modesty on Italian beaches is unknown. I'm not criticizing (I would totally stay naked if that was acceptable, but even topless is totally unacceptable) but most girls (even fat ones) wear brazilians or string bikinis which are totally unflattering for most.
I did not gain, but I did not lose either.
On the sunny side, I'm back to being the white knight of the company at work (actually, I've even been enrolled for the stock option plan, which involves like 12 people out of 1800 - cute huh?).

Back o how I'm feeling - I've been at a different gym where mirrors are angled in such a way one gets a full view of one's back. I almost burst in tears. I knew my tights are huge, but... well..

And so last night I dreamed for the millionth time the same old memory, the time when B (who fucked my life over 11 years ago) told me "you no longer have the hot body you had when we got together". (by the way when he told me that I was a good 710 pounds lighter than I am now)

Fuck off moon, since that mess
Since that unlucky night
How long has it been moon? It feels like being left outside

I wonder what happened to the skinny girl I was
and to that bastard I still want

How long has it been moon, since I lost it
I even buried my heart
What happened to me?
I bade myself farewell

How bad it feels being so lonely
In these nights of damned dreams

What happened to her,
What did we make of ourselves?
What happened to the Lord: did he also bid farewell to us

We were born to die

Fear don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
oh my heart it breaks ...

Walking through Paris streets
is it by mistake or design
I feel so alone on a Sunday night
Can you make me feel like home?

(....)

'cause you and I:
we were born to die.

Sometimes, like all, being apart is hard, and I do sometimes wonder if our marriage is strong enough. Then we finally spend a day and a half together, and I realize it is the real thing. We are so good together, I wonder what took us so long to understand it.

Now S is gone back to Milan, I'm still here for who knows how long (maybe just one week, but then there'll be another project somewhere else, maybe back in Oman, maybe somewhere else in France, and he may be going to Brazil soon).
This life is too fucked up.

Crush

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you're mine

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true:
a body like you

Not good. Obsessed with weight. My two best friends from work moved on the other side of the atlantic ocean. I just.. I don't even know. I feel so lonely. This winter is unbearable, it seems to always rain. I need to spend sometime outside in the sun. I need a friend to share a salad with at lunch time. I need attention. I am so fucking needy I'm disgusted by myself

I hadn't even considered hurting myself for years. This is so fucked up.


I will burn for you, feel the pain for you, I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart..
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me.

I can't explain it...

Stop telling me you miss me too much. Stop saying life ain’t beautiful without me by your side. Because I didn’t leave: you did.

I miss a little bit the air of that nights,

Or even just the soft skin of your back.

And that clock would never turn,

Just like me it was watching you.

I never cry about you,

I’ll never do such a thing, no, never..

Okay I confess,

I do think about you,

But I just move on

You cannot touch me anymore.

But then, I was thinking how useless it is,

believing I’m fine when winter is coming,

and you take away your warm hands,

you don’t hug me, don’t tell me how great I am.

Those memories that make me live through many things…

Flats, books, newspapers, things that are worthless

but allow you to go on dreaming…

Forgive me, I’d never want to put you in distress,

but can you tell me how this can be over?

I can’t explain it myself….

(adapted from this)

PS: 123.9lbs. Small steps, at least in the right direction