Skinnier or sober? pieces of conversations

Pain is calling me

and it whispers to me softly "come and play"

I am falling

and IF I LET MYSELF FALL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch,

but why do I feel this party is over?

Coming down, coming down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm looking for myself skinnier

When it's good then it's good it's so good 'till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry never again

broken down in agony just trying to puke again.

(this is what I actually hear when I listen to Pink's Sober)

"You need to lose weight darling"

"I know mom, I do"

"Next time I'll cook the meat so it won't be tempting"

"Yes mom, let's do this".

"How much did you lose from last Saturday?"

"3kg" (that's 6.6lbs for you guys)

"It's too much! have you been fasting??"

"No dad. I have had lunch and dinner every day. I'm just stressed. And I probably gained 2kg back in the weekend"

"...."

"I know"

Faithless

The fact that waking up at 61.3kgs (135pounds) and finding it's the lowest weight I've been over the past two years or so is freaking depressing.

The fact that I've dropped 6.4kgs from the beginning of December is a bit more cheering

The fact that Hubby has dropped 4 kilos without trying since Monday is fucking depressing. Poor Hubby had nose surgery on Monday and he's bee living on ice cream since. Had I done that, I would have gained 4 kilos instead of dropping LOL

However I'm overall on a good path. I've set up a routine that is, overall, relatively easy to follow.
I have protein shake for beakfast
skip lunch
eat chicken and veggis for dinner, or tuna and veggies. Sometimes I throw in some tzatziki.
I avoid wine unless on Fridays
I binge on saturday night and sunday lunch and than go back to routine

I still look and am fat. I hope to reach 59kg before vacation (3 weeks from now). Since I'll spend one week working from my parents' place all alone, maybe I'll manage (I have to stay there when they are on vacation, to be easily within reach of my grand mother and take care of her in mornings - she's 97 and lives on her own, but when parents are away it's up to me to shower her and shop for her).

I know how idiotic this sounds, but if I manage to drop 2kg in the next three weeks, this may kind of restore a little bit of faith in myself. Over the past 6 months, I haven't believed for a single second I can achieve anything in life anymore.


Lastly, I changed hair color, having it faded from bronde on the crown to caramel blond, with blond highlights in front. Still unsure about it, but IF I drop the desired weight I might post pics from my vacation

Retarded or civilized?

I don't know which one I am.
landed in Dubai at 4AM - couldn't sleep in the plane despite all the complementary Moet et Chandon. Too much going on, anxiety is spiking and it was too warm anyways.

It's 40 fucking degrees here.

Why is everyone excited about Dubai? I'm probably retarded from the lack of sleep (I snoozed one hour in the hotel and then headed into work, and it's night now). But I do not understand this place. Staying next to the Burji Khalifa or whatever the huge skyscraper is called.
When I ask where can I go for a walk, the answer I get is: there is a free shuttle to Dubai Mall Madam.

There seems to be literally no place around here to go and stroll outdoors.

I want to die already

On another note, they do have a scale in this huge bedroom, which I fucking love.
Food is so fucking expensive one should really consider it they are really hungry before ordering. Sadly, it's the client who pays in my case, so that does not apply.

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?