21 December 2016

They talk

They talk about me
an easy woman
facing hardness in an easy day

They said about me
that I'll end up alone
but with time I've chosen,
and I know who I will be.

They talk about you
that have no rules
people talk and never listen

They talk about me
I don't love myself
but tenderness is all I really want

They said about me
I'm no longer what I used to be
but this is what I am

They talk about us
they're all against us
but you are like me
I know you'll stand by me

They said about me
I'm no longer like I used to be
but this is me!

02 December 2016

The magic mountain

My co-worker was diagnosed with tbc a couple weeks ago, so this morning I went in to be tested. Results on Monday, and I'll be further tested in two months.

I've adored reading Thomas Mann's "The magic mountain". Sadly, nowadays they don't send you to Davos if you are diagnosed with tbc. So let's just hope the test proves negative.

At 58kg (128lbs) I'm at the lowest weight of the year. I have my husband's new work Christmas party on the 19th. If only I could manage to drop another 1.5kg...

30 November 2016

Nepal pics

Hello from the other side, I must have written a thousand times, to tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done, but when I binge it never seems to matter.

Hello from the outside, at least I can say that I tried, to tell you I'm sorry, for breaking my fast, but my fatness clearly, doesn't break you apart anymore.

It's no secret that the both of us, will never be skinny enough.

Some pics from Nepal
Kala Pattar, 5,550mt. Thin air, hazy thinking.

Tibetan woman cutting wood for her stove

Mount Ama Dablan

Somehow, he still loves me (truly yours is obviously the chubby on the right)

22 November 2016

back from Nepal, 7.1lbs dropped

I'm back, and yes, I did shred 7.1lbs. That's 3.2kg.
I must admit a tiny portion might be due to the fact I was sick for 24 hours, but even before that I could feel my trousers falling off my hips.
Now I need to maintain for at least a week, before I can start restricting.
Pics will come later

03 November 2016

Off to Nepal

It crept on me like a ghost
noiselessly, slowly, while the mists of the coming winter were thickening.

The only times it made a small, quiet noise, a voice covered it telling me "you deserved it".
Ah, such a beautiful, splendid lie.

And now it's almost time to leave for Nepal, my plane is in 50 hours, and the scale shows a horrible 135lbs.

Kate Bush used to sing about the Tengboche monastry in Wild Man. Let's hope they do not mistake me for a yeti.

PS I sofar ran 800km this year, but compared to the lovely Aye Ell 50km in one days, it sounds silly. Whatever I'm still bragging about it

The schoolmaster of Darjeeling said he saw you by the Tengboche Monastery.
  You were playing in the snow. You were banging on the doors. You got up on the roof, Roof of the World.
    You were pulling up the rhodedendrons. Loping down the mountain.
      They want to know you. They will hunt you down, then they will kill you.
        Run away, run away, run away...
          While crossing the Lhakpa-La something jumped down from the rocks.
          In the remote Garo Hills by Dipu Marak we found footprints in the snow.
        We found your footprints in the snow. We brushed them all away...
          From the Sherpas of Annapurna to the Rinpoche of Qinghai.
        Shepherds from Mount Kailash to Himal Pradesh found footprints in the snow.

You’re not a langur monkey nor a big brown bear – You’re the Wild Man.
They say they saw you drowned near the Rongbuk Glacier.
  They want to hunt you down. You’re not an animal.
    The Lamas say you’re not an animal.

21 October 2016


Self-starvation by fasting is known as Santhara and is supposed to help shed karma according to Jain religion. The ritual can be carried out to voluntary death. Supporters of the practice believe that santhara cannot be considered suicide, but rather something one does with full knowledge and intent, while suicide is viewed as emotional and hasty. Due to the prolonged nature of Santhara, the individual is given ample time to reflect on his or her life. The vow of Santhara is taken when one feels that one's life has served its purpose. The goal of Santhara is to purify the body and, with this, the individual strives to abandon desire.

26 September 2016


40 days 'till we leave for Nepal.
Now it's not "just" about being skinny.
I have planned a challenging trek - in order to make it through it, I need to drop weight, or I won't manage.
Meanwhile, I am training hard, so it's even more difficult - I can't afford to drop muscle weight, only fat needs to go.

Everything else right now is pretty much meh

20 September 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to the annual September Rut

Luckily, last Saturday I got new eyelash extensions, because man, I need them badly to look human.

My last week in a summary:
run, binge, draw a line and snort it, drink wine, binge, run, repeat.

At least I ran 13.7 miles on Sunday (22km), and I did sprints this morning.

Still, even my fingers look fat.

24 August 2016

Fuck off moon

After everyone else in the world, I finally got this fucking respiratory infection that's been running around the whole month. Husband caught it on his way back from Colorado (which of course was on the day Delta airlines fucked up, and needless to say he was flying Delta). Then we spent a couple days in the Swiss Alps, and 3 days in central Italy by the seaside (before the earthquake luckily) with fat friends.
On a side note, modesty on Italian beaches is unknown. I'm not criticizing (I would totally stay naked if that was acceptable, but even topless is totally unacceptable) but most girls (even fat ones) wear brazilians or string bikinis which are totally unflattering for most.
I did not gain, but I did not lose either.
On the sunny side, I'm back to being the white knight of the company at work (actually, I've even been enrolled for the stock option plan, which involves like 12 people out of 1800 - cute huh?).

Back o how I'm feeling - I've been at a different gym where mirrors are angled in such a way one gets a full view of one's back. I almost burst in tears. I knew my tights are huge, but... well..

And so last night I dreamed for the millionth time the same old memory, the time when B (who fucked my life over 11 years ago) told me "you no longer have the hot body you had when we got together". (by the way when he told me that I was a good 710 pounds lighter than I am now)

Fuck off moon, since that mess
Since that unlucky night
How long has it been moon? It feels like being left outside

I wonder what happened to the skinny girl I was
and to that bastard I still want

How long has it been moon, since I lost it
I even buried my heart
What happened to me?
I bade myself farewell

How bad it feels being so lonely
In these nights of damned dreams

What happened to her,
What did we make of ourselves?
What happened to the Lord: did he also bid farewell to us

03 August 2016


My Facebook Status currently recites:

Kiss me hard before you go,
Ste#@*° #+%§§i
I just wanted you to know
That Baby, you're the best

The name is that of my husband, who left over 10  days ago for Colorado (I'm in Europe).

All dolled up (in a professional way) for the Board of Directors that's happening, I know that, while I was one of the white knights of the Company until last week, I'm now in the shit house. The deal that everyone believed secure, blew up. On the same day they announced 700 employees will be made redundant.

No wonder I've got that summertime sadness.
It doesn't matter, I'll be back on my feet.

Got my bad baby by my heavenly side: I know if I fast, I'll die happy tonight
Plan is liquid fast from now (Wednesday afternoon) until Friday night or Saturday morning if it can be managed (considering I have a 120km drive ahead on Friday night and I do not wish to really die - I just wish I could disappear).
I haven't fasted this way in a very long time, but right now, I need to see change happening.
And to see it happening that fast, there's only one way.

Stay strong lovelies

25 May 2016

A tale we've all been through

(freely inspired from the French song Il avait les mots), a tale of meeting Ana and Mia

She was way older than me and I silly fell into her arms. Through her I found out things I never knew before: she seemed sincere and I fell for that.
What kept bothering me was she would rarely stay for long, but as soon as she spoke, I'd shut up.

She knew the words and made me addict
I would already saw myself skinny
She knew the words and made me addict
I did not know that
I did not know her

I no longer had a life, I only thought about her, even though it was obvious she often lied. She would get lost halfway though her praising of me, would say she loved me, and I would deal with it: I'd forgive her. She would leave, she would talk to others but what was she hiding? I would soon find out

She knew the words and made me addict
I would already saw myself skinny
She knew the words and made me addict
I did not know that
I did not know her

I followed her and saw a horrible place, and suddenly I realized she had family (MIA). All the while, I was wrong, I WAS WRONG!
MIA found me, and immediately told me I was not the first idiot she used to amuse herself, all the while I was wrong, I WAS WRONG!

She knew the words and made me addict
I would already saw myself skinny
She knew the words and made me addict
I did not know that
I did not know her

18 May 2016

Devious thoughts

I fell because I'm an idiot.
Or, more likely, I fell because my ass is too heavy and fat and big.

Last Saturday I went to see a doctor in the morning, because lately my back has been bothering me. The doc said my right leg is longer than my left one (which I knew, I smashed my right tibia when I was a kid), and both my hips and shoulders are unbalanced. In addition, I am super tense in the higher part of back and in the neck and when he asked me if I can touch my toes while keeping my legs straight I almost laughed into his face.
So he ordered 1 sessions of physio + tecar therapy and 10 sessions of specific back exercises. Luckily  my insurance will pay for all of this. He said I can keep running, but advised against distances over half marathons.

So, after a long walk on Saturday afternoon with the Panther (my mom), when dad proposed to go for a short uphill run I enthusiastically joined. It was fun and fine.
Then on Sunday we went for a (previously planned) long run - Dad, Hubby and I. After about 2 minutes, we passed some acacia trees in full bloom and I focused on the flowers, thinking "I could fetch some of those on the way back", because where I live we sometimes eat acacia flower fritters (the essence of sweet + fat). Karma is a bitch. I should not think these kind of thoughts.
So, while distracted, I didn't spot a whole in the road and fell.
No serious damage taken. I got up after a couple minutes and we eventually went for a not-so-long (10km) slow run, but afterwards my right knee got very swollen (and my left hip is badly bruised).
Result: no running and lots of ice on my knee this week.

Do not misunderstand me: this is no bad luck or whatever. This is me being overweight and thinking sinful thoughts, thus heavily landing on my poor knee.

04 May 2016

I skip meals, I gain wait, I can't sleep
what a fuck up
and what do I want a 6pack for?
I'm not even going to the sea this year
I'm turning 34 in a month, who the fuck am I kidding? crop tops are no longer an option.

I wish I could say the new job was a launch ramp for success.
It is not.

28 April 2016

..through the hourglass I saw you
in time you slipped away
when the mirror crashed I called you
and turned to hear you say
"If only for today,
take my breath away!"

I dropped 5 pounds between April 1 and April 23.
And gained them back between April 24 and April 25


meanwhile, husband, who gained like 12 pounds over a 10 days work trip to China, declared he wants us to run a full marathon
like the whole fucking 42km
26.1 miles

I don't know if I can ever manage

15 March 2016

Where is my time?

Did I say Kayla Itsines?
hahah seriously I barely have the energy to put the dishes in the dishwasher at night.

Work is hectic, demanding and stressful. Commuting eats away my spare time.
Yet, stress is good apparently. I did wake up this morning to an unexpected 59.8kg (131.8lbs) or 20.9 BMI.
Far from good, but still somewhat better than 21BMI, right?

Problem is, to quote The Oatmeal (a long distance runner and comics writer) "They say you should treat your body like a temple. I treat mine as a fast moving dumpster"
Truly yours

10 March 2016


The second day post a long run is always a nightmare. My muscles are extra-sore when I wake up, and the weight is always up (I have finally come to terms with the fact that it is really water weight - my body (which is prone to dehydration) probably freaks out from all the sweating that comes on a long run and on the following 36 hours stocks water like crazy.
Now I got up this morning with a slightly better 132.1 lbs (59.9kg) or 21.0 BMI.
It is Thursday.
I shall not fuck up today, nor tomorrow, nor over the weekend.
Also, We should run 20km on Sunday (12.4 miles), so that should help getting rid of the half pizza I'll have on Saturday night (we're visiting Hubby's family, so Sat night is pizza).
If I can manage to see anything below 60kg on Monday morning on the scale, I'll be a happy girl.

On a side note, I'm really starting the Kayla Itsines training program. Instead of her LIIS (walking) days, I'll squeeze in my 3 weekly runs. We'll see. Good luck with the upcoming weekend beauties

07 March 2016

Half MArathon done

So, why I wouldn't say I nailed the half marathon, it was overall fine. I ended in 1h57'33'', which was acceptable considering (stop reading if you don't like horrors) I had been pooping liquid horrible staff all morning until 5 minutes before the start.

The big surprise was Hubby, who nailed it with 1h54' 40''!

OF course the weight went up instead of down, and I woke up this morning with a horrible 133.4lbs (60.5kg) or 21.2BMI. Meh

01 March 2016

Waiting for The Miracle

Let’s start back from the beginning, shall we?
Since anyways, I am back to the weight I was when I started this blog, so…
Let us remember, the name.

Baby I’ve been waiting, I’ve been waiting night and day. I didn’t see the time, now I’ve waited half my life away (…) but I was waiting for the miracle, for the miracle to come.

The truth is undeniable: I’m 133lbs, 21.1BMI. (The maestro says it’s Mozart, but it sounds like bubblegum when you’re waiting for the miracle to come. Nothing left to do when you’re begging for a crown, nothing left to do when you’re waiting for the miracle to come)

Let’s face it ladies: if Leonardo DiCaprio managed to get the Oscar (for his worst interpretation ever) I can manage to get skinny. Or at least, less fat.

For the sake of statistics, I run so far 172km this year (107 miles)

The half marathon is on Sunday, I barely hope I can run it till the end. Then, serious restricting begins.

23 February 2016

Random fast and slow running

Spent the weekend doing tough work outdoors at my parents place, which somehow counterbalanced the stuffing food in my face, since I'm at an embarrassing lowest weight of the year (still too heavy, still heavier than any time last year, fuck me).

I also fasted 24 hours (involuntary, it just happened). Basically I skipped dinner on Friday and breakfast on Saturday morning, then Sat at lunch (after working at the demolition of the porch on the front deck of the house) I went running and then I thought I was not running as fast as I wished, then I realized I probably was lacking the fuel for a fast run, so I headed uphill instead.

Mom promised to cut the last 2cm of my hair (which I usually wear waist-length). She cut something like 15-20cm. Fuck it. It's gonna take months and months to grow it again.

On a final note, after the mild winter we had, my spring allergies are already back. ugh.

BMI: 21.1 whatever

16 February 2016

Everything is awesome

Although everything is awesome
I won't take it personally
it may be I'm dreming the wrong dreams
a bit delusional
right now
they belong to me


I sucked at the gym this morning

15 February 2016


And I do keep running; hell, I'm even on track with my 2016 goal so far (I want to run 1000km, and I'm currently at 135, in line with the goal).
But I am so fat.
Hell, I've been below 130lbs throughout all 2015, now what is wrong with me?
Yesterday I even put in 18km under pouring rain.
Next summer we're going to the US on vacation, Colorado Springs (hub has some work there) + Yellowstone + NYC with my 2 fave bitches.


10 February 2016

Chasin' you

These four lonely walls have changed the way I feel,
the way I feel, - I'm standing still
And nothing else matters now, you're not here
So where are you? I've been calling you. I'm missing you

Where else can I go Where else can I go?
chasin' you, chasin' you
Memories turn to dust
please don't bury us,
I got you, I got you

Runnin' runnin' Runnin' runnin'
I'm runnin' from myself nomore
Together we will win it all
I ain't Runnin' runnin' Runnin' runnin'
I'm runnin' from myself nomore
I am ready to face it all:
If I lose myself I lose it all


Where else can I go? And where else can I go

Meanwhile, I'm actually running quite a lot and dreaming of running more.
Today the sun shines, and I feel like I'll magically drop 10kg just thinking about it.

27 January 2016

ordinary world

Came in from a foggy Thursday on the avenue
Though I heard Ana talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
still I can't escape the ghost of you

What is happening to it all?
Fattie someone said
Where is my friend Ana when I need you most?
Gone away!

But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to fast my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to restrict...

Passion or coincidence
once prompted you to say
Ana will tear us both apart
Well now Ana's gone out the window
past the rooftop, run away
left me in the horror of my Fat!

20 January 2016


Been away for long, changed job in the meanwhile.
Now I'm working even harder than I used to (although how is that even possible is something too difficult for my micro brain to figure).
The new job involves commuting by tube instead of walking to it (and no, walking is not an option). that sucks
Also, I thought I had a friend, but guess what? In two weeks, not once she had lunch with me (and we sit in the same office).
I feel so lonely
and I am so fat. So incredibly, disgustingly fat.
This year my goal is running 1000km.
Am currently on track, also thanks to last Sunday half marathon (lord, it was freezing!). We have another one planned next Sunday.
The irony is Hubby, wh's always been on the fat side, is at his lowest weight ever, while me... I'm over 21.5 of BMI, aka near my highest weight ever.