It feels like it's all collapsing

The first, most important thing I want to write is how happy I am for Marcus. You are amazing!!!

Also, I want to thank you all lovely people for your comments, your support. Matilda, loved to hear from you! Ancora, I really missed you, it’s good to see you’re posting again!

Sadly, the rest of the post won’t be on the same mood.

After two solid days of fasting, I’m at 122.8lbs. I’m not giving up. Over the last two days, the only calories I’ve had came from 4 nuts and half of a green apple, plus some sugar free gum and two beers (I’ll explain). I’m still fasting and hopefully I’ll manage to go on until Friday night/Saturday morning. My red bracelet is helping me.

Steve came back last night and called me to chat. I proposed hanging out, because I don’t like much to talk on the phone, and he asked me to join him and his flat-mate for dinner. He said he would buy me green salad, I said I would get to his place but I didn’t need dinner.

I brought over a green apple to show him I eat, and had half of it, plus the beers. We hung out with his flat-mate, a nice girl we’ll call Robin, talked about work, his trip to Greece, Robin’s dates and so on. Then she went to sleep, and soon my beer number two started to taste and smell funky. I was feeling dizzy and weak, and keep in mind that both outside and inside it was over 90F (32-33 Celsius).

As soon as Robin went to her room, Steve got closer and hugged me. I probably looked tired because he asked if I was feeling good and I said I wasn’t. And then he asked me what was wrong, and I don’t know why, I blurted out “Because I’ve been fasting for 48 solid hours”. I regretted it instantly, but he didn’t say anything. He got up, hugged me tight and asked if I wanted to stay for the night. I said I’d better go home, and he offered to walk me home, but I declined, saying I’d rather felt like taking my bike.

So he walked me out, hugged me tightly again, and started kissing me.

I mean, it wasn’t even a French kiss, but he really was into it.

“Don’t go” he whispered

“I can’t. I’m sick. And it’s not a good idea anyway. Forgive me. Please” I turned my head and let it rest on his chest.

“You’re sure you will manage to get home safe?”

I nodded.

“Okay. I’d better let you go now. Or I don’t guarantee I’ll control myself much longer”. I could feel he was turned on, and nodded. He broke the hug, then hugged me quickly and whispered “Be safe” and backed off. And I went home. The air on my face helped me feeling better, I got home and texted him to let him know I was fine. I drank 2 liters of water to help me get rid of the beer, and went to sleep.

I’m afraid. Steve knows about my EDNOS. Steve may have feelings for me. What am I afraid of?

No. 1: this could lead into breaking Steve’s heart.

No. 2: this could lead into losing the best friend I have

No. 3: I still want to be in his arms. I feel he's the only link to reality I still have.

And, I feel I’m losing control. Why on earth did I admit I was fasting? What am I, an idiot?

I'm not just afraid.

I'm scared.