Christmas? check.. and now..

....

yep

now it's time for training.

Hope you are all doing well

How long is it till summer break again?

updates
I had some nevi (birthmarks?) removed last week. I have stistches everywhere, on my tummyu, on my back, on my face... aaaarggh fuck.
I'm getting fatter and fatter, not being able to run due to the stitche clearly isn't helping

S left yesterday for Rome and will work ther until Xmas, so that's a perfect occasion to drop some hideous fat. He left yesterday and I already lost 1kg.

I'm doing nothing but working. I hate it.

Missing Wolverine

In sleep he works with me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me
and speaks my name
and do I dream again?
For now I find
Wolverine my boss is here
inside my mind


Dreamed of Wolverine (my ex-boss, here) three times over the last 4 days.

A sign? Dunno. I sure miss him at work. Stockholm syndrome? totally.

overdue update - crazy, toys in the attic she is crazy.....

So, I don't really know how to address this. I'm a person who does not believe in supernatural. Like, at all.
Yet, I keep reading Stephen King's books and then spend sleepless nights convinced that zombies will come out of my closet (and Pennywise from IT? It exists. Let's not even talk about IT).

having said that, daytime I'm not scared by strange things. Ok I dunno how to say this.

I see something that is not there.

At work, I moved recently to a different part of the open space. On my left there is a floor to ceiling glass wall from which I see an internal garden (no accessible on foot).
When I look at my computer screen, with the left corner of my eye I see someone standing outside.
There is no one standing outside.
Clearly, this is some visual trick caused by shadows or whatever.

It is driving me nuts.


Quick update on the rest.
I'm fat.
This morning I went running for the first time in months due to my hip problem. So far so good. maybe I can finally get back to running.
Nonno is dying according to dad. Then again, this is not the first time I hear this. He is supposedly slowly fading away (by which I mean he's more and more absent and sleeps more and more), so dying of old age (he's 90). If he lives another two months, he'll have his other leg taken. I sincerely wish him to die peacefully of age before that happens.

(I hate funerals and I look like a cold bitch at funerals. Worse, in a ubercatholic country like this, I don't know the mandatory answers to the priest at church)

Last, I passed 4 interviews for a new job. We'll see.

very bad, and it's not about me

Ugh last night they cut off Granpa's leg.
he's 90
no wonder I strongly believe in euthanasy
made Bro swore that if I get to that point being so old and everything, he'll put a pillow on my face.


maybe I should fast in honour of nonno

RUT

Work is so depressing I don't even know how do I still manage to go in every day.
It feels like in that early 90s TV series, Nikita.

Main issues right now:
I'm fat (and getting fatter)
My hip still hurts
I hate work
Work hates me
I'm lonely. Very lonely.
It rains
I feel stuck in a fucking rut.

And, as Ned Stark would have said back when he still had his head on his neck: Winter is coming.

On a side note, you can get HBO in a shithole like Montenegro (no offence, but really?), how come you can't get HBO in Italy?
we're fucking retarded

Bad ass me

Last Friday at work:

I was standing in the corridor next to the printer (where ALL my colleagues keep passing by), showing wedding pics to a friend and printing out thank-you cards. (yeah, work is slow in the morning - I keep working with lovely retarded Americans, who cannot understand for fuck sake that here it's six damned hours later, so IT IS NOT OKAY TO CALL ME WHEN IT'S %PM in Philly. Because here it's fucking 11PM so no, I'm no longer in the office. fuck)
Anyway I felt something in my pocket and absent-mindedly fished it out.
It was a bag of cocaine.
Luckily my friend (who certainly does not do it) didn't notice.
I thought hard and realized the last time I wore these skinny jeans was at my best friend leaving party, which was like

Yet, it is kind of fucked up pulling out coke from your jeans at work.

So, last night S and I ended up doing a small line each.

Then, I proceeded reading the last 200 pages from "The shining" (which I'm rereading before starting "Doctor Sleep")

I had nightmares all night long.

Morale: never do coke and read Stephen King on the same day.

catching up

Shots from honeymoon

Amazing time in Aruba. Didn't overindulge in bingeing, did find out windsurf is my passion. I rock at windsurf. I never would have guessed.
Kicked ass in a climbing competition against a US army sniper we made friends with (must admit I hid before competing that 10 years ago I did El Capitan). He was pissed.

New York.
all my friends who moved there lost like 1000kg or lbs whatever. FUCKING SKINNY.
hopefully my tan compensated. (yeah sure)
how do they do it? easy, they do so much cocaine they never eat.

Also, this is fucking gross.
NY coke is so full of laxies, it's like purging all the time. 3 days in NYC, I felt like I spent all the time pooping. UGH. This does NOT happen in Europe.


Right now:

I'm back on Jillian Michaels 6pack in 6 weeks program. Currently week 2
Husband is away for work, fridge is empty. perfect
Need to run home, the girl who makes me eyelashes extensions will be there soon. love you all lots

I'm sorry I disappeared
I'm really using my (little) spare time fro work to train.
Husband was sent away for work, hence he can't nag be about not eating enough (his opinion, not mine).
Will try to post tomorrow

Hey

Hey lovies

truly yours got married last Wednesday, and is now heading to Aruba and NYC.
Sneak peek of the wedding album for you only

I know, there's a lot of fat that needs to be gone, but still..

..I'll enjoy my honeymoon

see you at the end of the month

xoxoxo

My Heart Burns

Now, beloved kids, listen carefully
I'm the voice from your pillow
I brought something along with me
I ripped it out from my chest


With this heart, I have the power
to shut your eyes
I'll sing till dawn breaks
a bright light from the sky

They come to you at night time
deamons, ghouls and dark fairies
they'll creep out of the cellar
and chase you in your bed

Now, beloved kids, listen carefully
I'm the voice from your pillow
I brought something along with me
a bright light from the sky:
My Heart Burns

They come to you at night time
and steal your small hot tears
they'll wait until the moon awakes
and pour them in my cold veins

Now, beloved kids, listen carefully
I'm the voice from your pillow
I brought something along with me
a bright light from the sky:
My Heart Burns

The doctor said..

I can train. At least, that's what he thinks. I'm allowed to do:
-10min on the elliptical, OR
-10min swimming (crawl or back)
AND
limited squats
AND unlimited pull ups (a if I could do unlimited pull uos...)
AND certain kind of abs crunches

facepalm

basically, this is NOTHING compared to my July training schedule.

ABSOLUTE BAN of: running, stairs, rowing machine, lounges and most of plank exercise.

I shit you not loveys.

In addition, I'm undergoing a therapy that is extremely painful and leaves blues all over my hips and legs - someone at the gym even asked me if I'd been in a car accident yesterday.
Anyway, I'll try to work on the arms and shoulders...sigh...

MRI outcome

The not so bad news is I did not gain weight over the weekend. I trained, ate about one thousand deep fried pumpkin flowers, one shit ton of salad, and somehow, maintained.

The bad news is, I got my MRI scheduled on Monday, and the outcome is, while the bones are fine (which is good I admit), the tendons of both my hips are not fine.
And this means, I'm supposed to stop training.

Now, this is not going to happen.
I'm getting married in 35 days and I'm supposed to fit into that fucking tight dress I bought.

The upside is they gave me different painkillers which are also supposed to smooth the problem, and those DO work, so finally I'm walking almost like a normal girl.
Also, I'm seeing a physiotherapist on weekends.

I did drop the 30 days shred at day 24 (many of the moves hurt too much), and I cannot run.
I have picked up the 6pack6weeks by Jillian Michaels, and I'll try to do the elliptical machine at the gym.
Honestly, this whole thing pisses me off so much I can't even tell you.

Stop training for one month means throwing away months of fatigue and sweat. I hate it! 

The truth about it

Here's the truth.

I know that training is better than fasting.

BUT, fasting deliver weight loss so much faster than training.

And in the end, fasting + training delivers even better results.

dropped 3.7 pounds in 2 days (1.7kg)

if they keep abusing me at work like they did over the past 2 days, I may drop 17kg before vacation (which is like 38 lbs)

Somehow I expect the abusing will go on at the same rate, but the weight loss is bound to slow down. meh.

(22 days into the 30 days shred challenge and still going, level 3 is a bitch. My hip now hurts so badly I can't run, I can barely walk although living on painkillers. Booking an MRI)

stay strong lovelies

Formidable

16 days into the 30 days shred challenge.
I did the 30ds train 15 times, plus I've been running 4 times (much less than usual, but I have an aching hip, due to an old rheumatism.

I feel like an old witch
I look like an obese seal.

I kinda hate myself

30 days shred challenge - update

I have been consistently training over the last 11 days.
in addition to the daily dose of 30daysshred, I went running 4 times (although only 4 or 5 miles each time).

Yesterday I moved to level 2 of the 30DS

thoughts: I positively hate Jillian Michaels
I have only dropped 1 pound, but then again I have to admit bingeing a lot last week.

Last night I could't do the whole lev2, I had to stop for about 30 seconds of the second strength circuit because I had cramps in my right leg.

While I will have to skip Saturday because we'll be at S mom place by the sea, I do mean to keep up with the challenge and complete it, with this one time exception.

humiliation? check

So I went for the first trial of the wedding dress....

.... and it took three ladies to zip it.

FML

on a different note, I've been doing the 30 days shred for 10 consecutive days (plus some running), and tomorrow I'll shift to level 2

Friend or foe. Jillian Michaels

Maria, my best friend, my biggest foe.

Maria is my best friend, and she still lives in France, where we met. We shared so much, but last year she fell deeper and deeper into a horrible depression. While my feelings towards her were unchanged, at a certain point I almost stopped reaching out for her, because every time we spoke on the phone she would end up sobbing louder and louder until excusing herself and hanging up. It got to a point where I realized that talking to me would only stir certain feelings that were probably best left alone.

This did not stop me from visiting her last December, where I met a poor shadow of my friend, weighting barely 38 kg (BMI 16.4).

Around spring, she slowly started getting better. She goes out, started a new class of capoeira, blah blah.

she came over the weekend to visit, and well, she did hit 40 kg. which puts her BMI at 17.3 (she is short and tiny).

I love her and really hope she keeps getting better.
But shopping with her? pure nightmare.


On a side note, I've started the 30 days shred program by Jillian Michaels, on top of my regular training. I'll let you know the results.

not good enough

Inexorably sliding into unhappiness

Hiked Monte Rosa (4.550mt) on Tuesday, and that helped dropping 2kg (which I had previously gained during the weekend).
(Ski touring like that corresponds to 8 hours straight at the gym - it is fucking hard and rewarding t the same time)

"Dad, Mum hates my wedding dress, and everybody else does"
"Lucy, it's probably just the picture that doesn't make it any justice. I'm sure you'll look great with it"
(thank-you dad, I love you very much)

Before the hike I was sure I was not trained enough and worried I was goign to be a burden for Dad and Bro.
It turned out, I was in the best shape, and I had to drag Dad along.
Yet, they are both so skinny, and I am not.

Finally, after my washing machine broke last night, my landlady apparently wants to move in, which means S and i have to be out of the flat by the end of September.
With our wedding on sep4, and our honeymoon right after.

Crap.

On a better note, we'll be in Aruba 10 days in September and then in NYC for 4 days. Can't wait.

sharing the first tiny bits

Okay ladies,

this is (almost) it:

Imagine it in white, without the applications on the waist, ans well, it falls better than this (the model has her hands in the pockets, which I guess is something you don't normally do when walking down the aisle), and it gets right to my knees...
... and then yes, that's my wedding dress.

now, if I only can manage to drop like 100 pounds before the date, everything will be perfect
xoxoxo

Pills from Vacay

Vacation's over, and work is up to 16 hours per day
no serious posting

Anyway, here's a short story from vacation


On our last night in Mykonos we were partying at Paradise beach (Club Tropicana), which is crazy and amazing.
Halk nakked (string and minuscule bra) dancers on the blocks, and then we have this girl waiting our table, and honestly?
She was the best fitspo I've ever seen in y life. Like, the real thing.
So after a couple drinks, we chatted for a couple minutes and I blurted "You are so fit! You should be dancing on the blocks, not those flabby ass chicks!"
And she was all "Really? do you really think so?" (me nodding vigorously) "Oh thank-you so much for saying soooo!!!" and then she hugged me AND kissed me on the lips, with S watching and then laughing his ass off!

Stay strong girl, and check out, Ana Regzig is back!!

Blogger on vacation

If you look for me

I'll be here

I'll be fine
Actually, I'll be doing great.
I should be back by June 10, unless I decide not to come back ;-)

xoxoxoxo

Almost ready, almost dying

We all know the scale never lies
After all, I've only dropped 2.5kg
Yet everybody tells me "you look so much skinnier"
In the end, even I have to admit that, when I look into the mirror, I can see differences
Yet the weight's there.

The I went shopping there. Brought 5 pairs of trousers into the changing room, all of them were too big. That felt good man.

Could it be real? Could it be that I've really shifted from fat to muscle?

In any case

in 100hours I'll be in Greece
Asthma is killing me, and I can't wait to be by the sea
At night, sometimes, I cough so hard I end up crashing blood. It feels like dying.

Fuck off work fuck off everything

Big party tonight, it'll be snowing, it's a good way, I can't manage alcohol right now, it reduces my already small ability to breath
Then Sat and Sun will be dedicated to the gym
One quick training on Mon morning and by Tuesday I'll be laying in sun.

I even bought a bikini

failure

I
did
not
get
the promotion.

After two years of sacrifices, I seriously thought I would be the one to make it.

Clearly, I'm not good enough.

FUCK

Fitspo porn - 30days challenge

Since I can't seem to lose weight I decided to embrak in something I've already managed in the past.
I'm leaving for Greece (=bikini) on May 28, so I started my 30 days challenge, bu which I mean that I have to train at least 25 times in 30 days.
Training in this case means:
- running 4 to 5 miles AT LEAST three times a week (5 to 7km)
- the remaining training can be taken from www.benderfitness.com from her month 1 bikini challenge, using 20 reps for each set, and going throuhg each workout twice.

I can do it.

In the meanwhile, as the lovely Peri says, fitsporation is my porn, so here we go...

Blogger's vacation pics

So, if you're wandering what my vacation was like, well..
it was COLD (I'm the one in the middle...)

It was full of snow and very much sport dedicated

And yet, I didn't lose weight... and that's the reason...

Back

I'm back, and out of excuses.
Mountaineering ski was amazing, and I'm sure it helped building muscle
BUT
carbo load was needed, now it's over, I can start being serious.

Will be in Greece in 42 days AND I need to rock in that bikini, don't I?

God help me, I need to drop 5kg in 42 days. AT least.

Melissa Bender is my new fitspiration.
131lbs this morning (59.4kg). Somewhat beter than yesterday's 132.3lbs (60kg)

Pics of mountaineering ski tour coming soon
xoxo

Just give me a reason

Just give me a reason,
just a little bit's eanough
just a second, I'm not broken just fat
and I can learn to fast again


After the rehersal lunch, the load up on carbs today (tomorrow I'm leaving for the annual tour of mountaineering ski with Bro and Dad), skinny seems unreacheable.

4 days with Bro (severely underweight) and Dad (underweight).
Fuck.

PS - the lovely Ancora is back. Love, love love.

Cabbage soup = back to the basics

"But I do try, every single day, Mom, you know? I wake uop and promise myself today I'm changing things, today I'm sticking to salad, and then by noon I've already eaten so many calories it's uselss to stop"

That was me yesterday. Weekend was full of food, and I trained way less than I was supposed to last week. Also, I've been away for work, and living in hotels eating all the time at restaurants with colleagues don't help. I hate the woman I'm working with. She hates me. This is kinda stressful.

Anyway, S is away the whole week, and my Mom has prepared me a whole pot of cabbage soup for the week.. I guess it's time to take the hint right?

P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess

she's always so inspiring
(and so fit and skinny)

(we can learn to be skinny again)

Someday

I guess this post is long overdue
I'm spending all my (little) spare time home-hunting, since I'm looking for a flat to buy.

If there's one thing that I hate almost as gaining weight, is house hunting.
Whatever.

I've been alternating hard-training with total absence from the gym, due to work.
In the meanwhile, have you ever checked out www.melissabender.com ?
This chick is amazing really.

Also, the lovely Miss Burton is back! Which is great really.
When she's gone, she's always among the ones I miss most. The other ones?
There are so many..

Lilith (used to be Pro-Ana)
Zen
American Eagle
Marcus (possibly the one I miss most)

I think Peridot should be mentioned: I love you girl, and luckily, you never leave us.

Weight wise, I seem to be stuck around 130lbs. I keep getting down to that by Friday, just to get back to 132-133 over weekends.
Yet, this needs to change pronto.

Love you all

I don't personally eat meat
but what's with the horse meat scandal? People are sooo hypocrite.

Whatever.

I hurt my right arm last week, which is making my already complicated life almost impossible, hence, I'm a bit latent.
I'll be back soon, and be sure I'm still reading and training.

love you all

what if..

..we were to spend our time out there, taking full advantage of your short life and shorter youth, instead of thinking and thinking and thinking that we're fat?

After all....


One day baby, we'll be old
Oh baby, we'll be old
And think of all the stories that we could have told

(I don't think about you all the time
but when I do I wonder why)

Not good enough

Went trying wedding gown again this morning (work is FINALLY slow, hallelujah!)

Now, don't hate me for speaking the truth.

Trying wedding gowns can be, for people like us, a very taxing experience. Most of the gowns wouldn't fit, the seller couldn't even pull up the zipper, not even with me blowing out all the air in my chest.
Of course the seller is a nice woman, who'll lie straight to your face, telling you that you're beautiful, and she'll pin extra-tissue everywhere, and try to make you feel beautiful.

The fact that I had to pee badly probably didn't help. Nor the fact that my friend who came along (we're getting married the same week, so we go to try gowns together) is far skinnier than I'll ever be. Well, at least we try very different models.

Finally, how can I possibly spare 3000 Euros on a gown I'll wear once in my life? I can't claim I'm poor, I do  have that kind of money after all these years of work, I do have savings. But let's face the truth, I could feed, dress and send to school 20 kids in Nepal for one year with that kind of money. I can't spend it on a wedding gown.

(but I want it badly.
shut up you stupid asshole.
but I really love it.
yeah and you look like a giant pink and white marshmallow with it. If you were skinny, maybe you could splurge on it, but face it, you look like a fucking whale, so forget about it. Buy a premade dress for 100 USD on the net and shut the fuck up)

I must confess I'm not training enough. I keep having a slight temperature that won't go away, and that makes running very difficult.

Just do it

Rule n. 1 - If you have time to log on facebook, you also have time to train

Rule n. 2 - There's a minimum number of kilometers you have to run each week. However, you can run more than the minimum goal.

Rule n. 3 - If you really can't stand running one more kilometer, you are not allowed to give up. You are allowed to hop down the treadmill and on the elliptical instead, as long as you'll do 12 minutes on the elliptical for every km skipped.

Try

It's funny how appetite can be deceiving, more than just a couple times..
Where there is food there is gonna be a fail
Where there is a fail someone's bound to feel fat
But just because it hurts it doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try...

(P!nk is always a massive motivation for me)

I did binge over the weekend, but it doesn't matter, because work keeps me so busy I never manage to eat for more than 20 consecutive seconds during the week. So by Wednesday morning I'm always back to pre-weekends weight.

Fitness wise things are not good though - I simply do not have the time. Haven't been on facebook for weeks either, so I feel it's legitimate heck I'm not even posting here! But I still hate it. This weekend I have lined up one solo massive training (sans S) of at least 2.5 hours, and one massive training with S.
In the meanwhile, my old rheumatism is back and I'm hurting like crazy.

I have guests on Saturday for dinner. I'm ccoking meat (so that I cannot eat it). I guess I'll allow myself some wine and mostly I'll stick to weed / coke (depending on what turns the party takes). Don't blame me.. I am hurting after all, and painkillers don't work with empty stomach.

Lots of love to you all!!

Shopping

While still overworked, I did go and try some bridal gowns last weekends.

Before I even walked into the bridal store, I bought these on sale

While it's true I'm supposed to save money right now, I spend an awful lot of time in random meeting with clients, and a girl cannot always wear the same thing right?

Then I moved to the place I was supposed to go, with this chick who works with me: she's engaged, but her mom lives in Mexico, so cannot come to Milan to go shopping with her, then I offered to do it together.

Downside: she turned out to be far skinnier then me.

Upside: we tried completely different gowns, so at least the comparison was not so mortifying.

This is the one I prefer so far. I know girls, it's short. I'm not blind. Long dress simply don't suit me.

weird dreams

Blame it on work, blame it on me, on being home alone on whatever.

I keep having very vivid weird dreams, i which either
1 - I am Kathy, it's cold and I'm stuck outside the house at Wuthering Heights and call out for Heathcliff to let me in
2 - I'm sleeping and Katherine's ghost wakes me up banging on the window and begging me to let her in.

Ah whatever. I always knew I read way too many times Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters.

(I know I'm not blogging. too busy with work and wedding organisation. I'll be back soon, I promise)






(coming home to Wuthering Heights!
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Kathy I've come home and it's so cold! Let me in the window!)