I lost my muchness

Lovelies,

it’s not getting any better.

On top of the frigging mess in my life, I’ve been taking antibiotics for the last two weeks, I’m totally deprived from sleep due to work, and I lost my blackberry on a cab that of course did not think for a second to give it back (I had Steve call the cab company, he denies he has it…).

Steve, who should have come home tonight, is stuck in Brussels airport.

I am eating a turnip (the thing I hate most in the world) currently weight 58.3kg (128.5lbs), and hate myself. I keep crying, working and cursing.

This is not life people. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not life.

Oh, and just like last year, I miss the company Xmas party, held in the most exclusive location of this uber exclusive city. But hey, maybe it’s for the best: how could I show up when I’m such a fat looser?

I love you all so much.

Trying hard, failing hard

I am trying to hold it together by I’m losing it.

I spent the last three weeks working in a room that has no windows. Fuck, the lack of daylight is a well known cause of depression, yeah? I’m not at my office, I’m working in another city at the headquarters of the target of an acquisition. We have no internet access, no coffee machine, hell, we had to beg in order to have some water.

When I get out of this damned room, it’s night. I still have work to do, so I go to my room at the hotel (which is in the same building as the dataroom I’m working in), open my laptop, and get back to work until I move to my bed, read a bit, and fall asleep.

It was fine on the first week, now after three weeks I can’t stand it a

nymore. I need to see outside, whether it’s sunny, cloudy or snowing I don’t care, I just need a damned window. Better, I need to get out.

And let’s not even mention food.

I’ve been systematically stuffing my face with food systematically over the last three weeks. Being at the hotel I can’t weight, but I must be way over 59kg (130lbs). I am disgusted with myself.

This morning I finally managed to hit the gym and stick to plain bread and fruits for breakfast.

On Saturday dad and I are attending a party in the mountains, which mean we’ll have to walk/ski (depending on the snow) uphill for one hour to get there. Finally, I’ll get some fresh air.

Xmas thinspo for you, lovelies...

Bank Holiday fast

I’m fat.

I ate like a shark over the weekend.

Now it’s holiday in Italy and I am working. I was away, in a different city but I came home last night. There’s no one I know in my city in these days. Nobody to go out, catch a drink, grab some food together.

As a consequence, I realized the best thing to do is fasting. I started last night liquid fast hopefully until Wednesday at lunch (the Parents may be coming to visit to see the Christmas decorations in the city). If they don’t come, I’ll skip the gym and fast ‘till Friday night.

And then I’ll fly to London, to see my love.

I know I keep bragging about our love, but I still haven’t written the essential.

He asked me to marry him.

I said yes. The only condition is, I’ll only marry him once he moves back.

But I woke up and did weight myself, and I’m 125.7 lbs (57.0kg). Fffffuck, can I possibly get married this fat?

No way. So I’m fasting.

I really want to spend the rest of my life with Steve. I love him, he loves me. We are not perfect, and we both know it but that’s okay. Because Mr Perfect does not exist. He’s Mr. I’m In Love With, and that’s way more than I’ve experienced in a very long time.

I love you all sweeties. I’m sorry I’ve been blogging so randomly, being away is always complicated. I keep reading you. You are the best!

A bit of Christmas thisnpiration

How could anyone not love Alessandra? Impossible, the bitch's just too lovely

Life sucks, and then you get fat

Ouch, I have done it again.

Binged last night, while I had been doing well over the last few days.

I had lost almost 3lbs, now I’m back to 124.5 (56.5kg). No one else to blame, it’s all my fault.

The reason I do this to myself is simple: I am awfully unhappy. I miss Steve and work is hell on earth. Now I just found out that on Monday and Tuesday, when Steve will be here, I will be sent away for work. Needless to say, Steve works as much as I do, so he doesn’t even have the time to talk to me.

So I’m on my own on this: an old buddy of mine (used to be my boss ages ago) wants me to join his company. It’s a start-up, but he’s offering me def. better money than I’m doing now. And of course, should thing work well for him, I’d be in from the beginning (he set up the business at the end of last year). Yet, should things turn bad for him… in this economy.. what would I do? Oh, and of course we’re talking about a 65+ hours a week kind of job.

The truth is I hate changing job, I hate the stress that comes with it, but it may be time to show some guts and do it.

I cannot change the “Steve is so far away” situation, can I? Also, being so unhappy doesn’t help. I cannot stop thinking how better things would be if he was here. He’s putting a lot of pressure on me ‘cause he’d want me in London, but there is no way I’m moving. And since I’m an awful bitch, I’m afraid at some point I will start resenting him for not being here with me. Because in the end, let’s face it: he chose London over me.

So my life sucks right now. And I’m fat.

Great huh?

Stuck into the rut

I gained even more. I woke up at 125.8 this morning. I felt numb.

Weight loss competition, huh? Mother spent the weekend criticizing each piece of my wardrobe always saying I’m too fat or that I need a bigger size (which is exactly the same).

Thanx Mother, it’s always nice to feel loved.

So I binged like a mad cow yesterday. Very reasonable, huh?

I’m sticking to fruits and raw veggies until Friday night (and coffee of course, but since I have it unsweetened, that doesn’t add up). I need to get back in control, just like I was in July.

The thing is, work has been really depressing lately. Mother keeps making sneaky comments. Keith, my eldest bro, moved back to our country, and is so busy screwing his girlfriend he hasn’t yet found time to see me. Steve is away and keeps putting pressure on me because he’s miserable and wants me to move to London (which is simply not going to happen because I can’t and don’t want to move abroad anymore).

I need to hit the gym harder, to fast, to feel I’m in control. Also, I need to clean up my place, I started last night (after bingeing). I need to seriously think about work: what am I going to do? Keep up with this, or look for something else (no clue what I could do other than this by the way)?

I need to see a skinny bitch staring back at me when I look into the mirror.

Back to life, so in love

Well, I’ve been in London and things with Steve were… just great.

I’m so in love with him, he seems so in love with me, sometimes when we hug I feel tears of joy streaming from my eyes.

The distance, especially after spending 24/7 together for months, is really tough. Luckily, he’s flying to see me in 8 days, and he’ll be staying for 4 nights. But I know, enough romance!

As for the weight, well, I haven’t behaved as I should have (of course) but I still managed to drop a tiny little and am currently 123.2 lbs (55.9kg). I, however, fear next weekend at home, when we’ll be celebrating Mum and Granny’s birthday. Also, I need to have a serious talk to Mum about weight, because she needs open her eyes and go back to restricting pronto! Damn, 10 years ago Mother dropped 18kg (almost 40lbs), and she’s tiny!

And now, well, let’s say over the last year, she gained back maybe 7-8kg, and it’s such a shame!

So I want to try to talk her into a bit of pre-Christmas weight-loss competition. We’ll see how she takes it…

Growing up..

One of the biggest advantages of ageing is the way you live your love relationships.

One may thing teenage love, with all the drama involved, evolves, but it’s not true. Life does. So at 28, you get to live a relationship in a more natural, smooth way. You most likely move in together and your man gets to know you actually have hair on your legs that require a painful maintenance. He gets to know that you poo, that you own period underwear, that at the end of a long working day your armpits smell: in short, that you are human.

And that’s great! Because really, your love life gets to a much higher level of intimacy, and everything is smoother.

And then your man moves to another country, and all you get are weekend visits, and you get back to the crazy loop, where you think that, since you get to see each other only once in a while, he needs to see the perfect you. And so you get crazy again with waxing, manicure and that stuff. And you crazily get a haircut on Friday afternoon, right before hopping on a plane, because you feel insecure because he never has time for you anymore because he’s working too much.

And of course that bitch of a hairdresser fucks up everything and gives you curls when you asked for straight hair. And you look like you shoved your fingers into a plug and got 220 volts straight to your hair.

Needless to say, your boyfriend will work too late to get to Gatwick to meet you. Of course you will have to get on your own to his new place.

And of course, you’re fucking fat, because you are a failure (fuck, you even ate chocolate cake at lunch: who the hell does that??). And that’s why he doesn’t have time to talk to you on the phone or come and get you.

Because you’re a failure, and what’s worse is you cannot possibly hope that you’ll be better when you grow up because you’re fucking 28, and you have already grown.

Into a huge, fat failure.

I can't explain it...

Stop telling me you miss me too much. Stop saying life ain’t beautiful without me by your side. Because I didn’t leave: you did.

I miss a little bit the air of that nights,

Or even just the soft skin of your back.

And that clock would never turn,

Just like me it was watching you.

I never cry about you,

I’ll never do such a thing, no, never..

Okay I confess,

I do think about you,

But I just move on

You cannot touch me anymore.

But then, I was thinking how useless it is,

believing I’m fine when winter is coming,

and you take away your warm hands,

you don’t hug me, don’t tell me how great I am.

Those memories that make me live through many things…

Flats, books, newspapers, things that are worthless

but allow you to go on dreaming…

Forgive me, I’d never want to put you in distress,

but can you tell me how this can be over?

I can’t explain it myself….

(adapted from this)

PS: 123.9lbs. Small steps, at least in the right direction

Special needs

“Hey Lucy, I’m in Scotland! Look girl, I’m Flying back on Thursday: can I bring you anything? Maybe Hoola Hoops? Are you still a fun of that crap?”

My friend Kat, Lord bless her, called me this morning. As if I needed more junk food to stick to my hips.

Although my trousers are loose, although I KNOW I have dropped some fat in Nepal, I’m 124.4 lbs. Bleah. Now, while trekking I've been sick, I caught some virus that thought my stomach was the best place in the world, and after a while I would puke even water. I managed to complete the trek, but I didn’t eat nor drink for DAYS (I also ended up being badly dehydrated, but there was no way to avoid it).

I know that if I'm so heavy, it's partly because I've built up some muscles. But 124.4 lbs, a BMI of 19.75, that's simply inacceptable.

Now that I'm back and I'm living alone, I have to take full control of things. By Christmas, I need to be well below 120lbs. Especially since I'll be spending holidays with Steve, so I need to get skinnier BEFORE Xmas.

This morning I went back to the gym (finally), because I know muscles are heavy and everything, but I want to stay toned and I'll need the training for the skiing season.

My ultimate goal weight would be 105 lbs. Which would mean a BMI of 16.8. I don't think I could ever get there, but I need to try in order to find out, right? In the meanwhile, small steps. First goal will be 120 lbs, but I need to get there ASAP.

I'm catching up with your blogs lovelies. Be strong, always.

Missing

I’m back.

It was beautiful. But I don’t want to talk about it now, I’ll do it Tomorrow.

For once, my biggest fear is not the scale. I still haven’t weighted myself (I’ll do it tomorrow morning). My biggest fear is facing the emptiness of my flat.

Steve has moved to London while I was away.

Not only I’m back to a spinster-ish lifestyle. I’ve also lost the friend I could always count on for drinks, or for a late night herbal tea. I cannot anymore hope on my bike and reach my best friend at any time. Because my best friend, my favorite coworker, my love, my everything went away.

And now I have to face it.

Leaving on a jet plane

Lovelies,

I'm going to Nepal. I'll be trekking up to Everest Base Camp.

I'm confident that this will boost my metabolism and help me drop weight.

Of course I'll have zero internet access.

I will be back on November 8.

Love

Lucy

Ask me to wear white for you, and I'll be yours forever

This body? I'd kill to have it!

Instead of asking me, he's leaving in 5 days. And I'm hopelessly in love.

A few nights ago he said "When in ten months we'll still be in love as we are now, we shall get married".

My hair looks just like that. How come my body DOESN'T?

Scenes from last weekend

Act 1, in a small boutique, while I’m trying a lovely white, warm racket I fancy

Mother “You don’t look good in those jeans”

Lucy (shadow? This is fat Lucy talkin’, no shadows here) “Umh you always say that, no matter what jeans I’m wearing, mother”

Mother “Yeah, the thing is, you’re not 17 anymore, and more important you’re not 45 kilos anymore, so you should stop wearing jeans altogether”

Lucy * keeps quiet and desperately tries to swallow her tears back, while handling her Amex to pay for her jacket. Silently wishing she could just lose weight by paying with her Amex.

Act 2, dinner party at next door neighbor (aged 52), about 35 people attending

NDN (on his way to drunk-ness) “You know, Lucy here, you should see what a nice boyfriend she has now!”

Another friend “Yeah totally, don’t let him go Lucy, he totally seems a great guy, plus he’s gorgeous”

NDN “Yeah well, you should probably drop a couple pounds if you want to keep him”

(Note: NDN is obese, not just overweight. My BMI is currently 20. Awful, I know, but do I deserve all this?

Also, sorry for the lack of posting.

I cough a flue that is still lingering, and I’m working 60-70 hours per week. It’s all pretty insane. I keep reading you though.

I love you all!!

In the rut

Every morning

When I wake up yawning

I’m still far away …

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

It’s just too far away?

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

You’re digging your own grave?

I’m in a rut.

This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.

I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.

“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.

It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.

I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.

Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.

Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.

Dear skinnies,

I'm sorry, things are out of control.

I'm working 15h+ on daily basis.

Weigh is out of control - went up to 127lbs and back to 123 in 48 hours.... Am way too fat, but I have no time nor will to manage that now.

Hope to be back to regular posting and restricting by the second half of next week.

I miss u lots

xoxo

Ouch

I'm almost 125 lbs. BMI 19.82

Fuck me.

I kinda look pregnant.

I hate myself.

It's just... I am so sad, I feel so hopeless, I can't stop indulging.

I know, that's not a good excuse.

Forgive me. I'll get better, I promise.

Llorando (Crying)

Steve got his job offer yesterday. He has to move to London by October 4^th. Which, in case it wasn’t clear, is less than one month away.

I try to keep a smile plastered on my face, and I congratulated him and everything.

Inside, I’m devastated. Broken hearted.

I’m not even 100% sure he’s willing to try the long distance thing.

Fuck it, I’m no longer 18. I want a full time boyfriend, someone who lives with me, someone who wakes up with me in the morning on working, rainy days, not someone just for vacation and occasional weekends. If I can’t have a live-in boyfriend, I’d rather be single and take full advantage of it. The problem is, I’m hopelessly in love with Steve.

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart: nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

The upside? Once Steve will be gone, I’ll simply stop eating. Just like I lost weight when I was still with the ex but we were living in different countries.

Maybe, if I try hard enough, I’ll disappear before I suffer too much.

Dime tu que puedo acer,

no me quiete ya

y siempre estare

llorando por tu amor

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

I need to fast.

I currently am an awfully fat cow (

No, even worse, because honestly, cows are always cute. I am not cute. I hate myself.

The fact that I just found out my man has been at a strippers’ club last week, with friends, certainly doesn’t make me feel better. It kind of makes me think that, if I looked at least decent, he probably wouldn’t feel this kind of urge.

So, I’m fasting. I really feel it’s the only thing that could possibly make me feel better, right now. And I’ll try to hit the gym as hard as possible over this week. But fasting is my priority n.1.

And if you wanna cheat on me…

…just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s all right, because I like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s all right, because I like the way you lie,

I love the way you lie…

That’s my song for this fast. They’re all so skinny in the video….

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed

the innocent can never last

wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again

like we did when spring began

wake me up when September ends

Summer’s over. At least, it is here. It is still very sunny, but the wind is cold, the nights are so chilly, and the warm days are over.

Granted, I still hope to have fun over the next few weekends (plenty of regattas coming up), but laying in sun and riding my Vespa wearing flip flops and a sundress… well, that’s over.

This pic is the best summary of my summer 2010.

Last night I had my first argument with Steve, over nothing big, but it hurt, and I ended up eating some zucchini and an egg. I woke up this morning sick, I think I’ve got a flu or something. Nose’s running and I have a slight temperature: all in all, I feel like shit. And I’m 122.4lbs (55.5kg). I hate myself.

We’re still waiting for the confirmation that Steve’s going to London.

I’m too sick AND too busy at work to fast. I’ll stick to veggies (no dressings allowed) and fruits. Oh, and tons of coffee of course ;-)

I miss my man badly.

I’m so glad Matilda is back!! You’re so lovely, girl, I really hope this year will be a good one for you.

I miss you guys. Most of you are too busy to post anything in these days, I get it. But I miss you badly.

Tuesday stays for Total abstention from food...

Yesterday I binged like a mad Mia. Steve had to leave for work, and he'll be away for the week. I don't know how I'll deal once he'll move to London.

All I know is after yesterday super binge, I woke up this morning at 123.5lbs (56kg). FUCK ME!!!

So, I hit the gym (pretty hard), and I'm water/coffee (no sugar) fasting today. I'll try to stay on liquid fast until Friday night. I want to be 114.6 lbs (52kg) by the end of September. I NEED to get there.

Oh, and since Marcus asked, my fave junk food is not sold in Italy (luckily). It's Hula Hoops, you know those potato chips rings they sell in the UK? yeah....

I miss Steve.... badly.

Love you all, let me know if anyone's fasting with me!!!

Oh crap!

Oh, getting back to the normal life is hard people.

Therefore my lack of decent posts.

I won’t even apologize though, because I am under the impression most of you are away as well.

Let’s get straight to point 1: I woke up at 120.5lbs. Proceeded puking (no, I’m not falling in love with Mia, I just drank too much last night).

I woke up at 5.30AM, by the way. Why so much suffering? Because Steve had to fly to London to discuss about the possibility he might work for our London office for 18 months.

So yeah, today I’m quite unhappy, and I took full advantage of my unhappiness (i.e. I’m fasting). He’ll be back tonight.

Also, he’s moving in with me. I know, this is pure madness. And I’m hopelessly in love.

All I can do is try

Well I'm back.

Fat, tired of working after only 2 days at the office, but so happy to be totally in love.

A bit less happy to be up to almost 122lbs. But I'll work on that, I promise.

On a positive note, Steve doesn't let me binge.

I love him, man I do.

I'll try to put together a decent post tomorrow. In the meanwhile, enjoy this thinspiration of mine.

See you in two weeks!!

Lovelies,

I'm going on vacation, and most likely will not have internet access until August 23.

I'm still 119 lbs, will work on that while away.

Things with Steve are amazing.

I will miss you and think about you and restrict. I promise.

I love you all.

WTF Wednesday

Let's start on a good note: I'm back to 119lbs, AND I got laid.

Yeah, last night Steve and I hung out like old times at our local pub, drank some beer, chatted, went back to my place, I made ice shaked coffee (typical Italian stuff), we started making out in total relax, and somehow... we got to the point. Finally!

On a less positive note, I attended a work meeting today that ended in a business lunch. So I simply had to eat and break the fast.

I'm really really sorry. I wasn't even hungry. Fuck work. However, I'm not going to eat again until Saturday at lunch.

Sorry this post sucks, I gotta go back at work!

Truly fasting Tuesday!

The fasting is going well.

Group-fasting is always the best. Last night I had Steve and Kat at my place for dinner, and I managed to keep fasting because I thought of you. Am now at 48 solid hours of fasting, and man, I needed it after the weekend binges: this morning I was a scary 120.37lbs!!!

My sister in law took this photo of me last week (119lbs).

Also, something mind-blowing happened. I told Steve about my ED. Well I didn’t use the “ED” word, but I explained him that fasting and restricting are part of my lifestyle, that I end up eating so much at home that I need to compensate. He was incredibly understanding, and said that he has his own bad habits (he smokes like a chimney…), and then one day we’ll give this up together (his smoking and my fast-binge habit).

People, I may be falling in love.

Okay, let’s move on to something less cheesy (although Steve-related). THIS IS TOTALLY TMI, so if you don’t feel comfortable reading about sex and stuff, stop reading NOW!!

Okay, so the sex. Somehow, it’s not happening.

Let’s make a premise: Steve is totally a sex-driven man. The night that should have been our first time, well, I wasn’t on the pill anymore, and let’s just say he’s not a condom guy. Don’t even give me the full STD lesson, I know. But in real life, you need to make choices. So, the first night was dedicated to blow jobs (which he fully appreciates), and as soon as I could, I got back on the pill.

Then, yesterday I spent the whole afternoon messing around in his bed. We were having fun and everything, and all of a sudden he said “You know I really feel good with you?”

I loved to hear it, but I knew something more was coming.

“It’s just… Usually I’m bolder”

“You know, I love being with you. It’s so much better than I ever thought it would be. But What’s the issue?”

“I don’t know. Really, it’s just not happening”

At this point, I felt like the less attractive girl on earth, and my heart sunk. “Well, I guess we have a problem then. Because I really love this thing we have, but if you’re not into having sex with me, it’s a big issue”

“Stop saying stupid things Lucy, of course I am attracted to you and I really want to make love to you. Give me a little time, okay? I just need to get used to this. You need to understand I really am into you, and it’s going so good, I just need some time”

I said okay, but I really wanted to leave and spend the rest of the day crying over myself, over my sense of inadequateness, over my fatness. But he wouldn’t let me leave. Because he knew I wasn’t handling well. So we fooled around some more (i.e. more oral sex), then I had to leave because Kat was coming for dinner. Steve realized I would spend the night torturing myself over this issue, so he came over at my place for dinner and stayed for the night. It worked, because I slept through the whole night. I only woke once, around 2 in the morning, and softly caressed his smooth, flawless shoulder, and fell back asleep.

But still, this issue is not a small one. Let’s be honest here: I’m 28, and I never got into this kind of situation. So, (especially from the boys): any advice? Right now my action plan is avoid building too much anticipation and hope that things will settle. But hell, I do want to get laid before vacation!!! So please, comment and give all the advice you may have.

Motivational Monday

To keep things short and effective:

Let’s fast.

I started this morning, together with Marcus, Poker face (love to see you’re back sweetie), so let’s be strong together.

Lord knows I need some fasting. I messed up with food over the weekend, plus I’m back on the pill (sorry boys, I know this is weird) and it makes me gain weight. It always does.

However, yesterday I trained hard-core. I woke up in the morning and went running in the mountains for 12km, and then I got out on my kayak for 20 solid km on the lake. Then I went swimming, and to end the morning in glory, I got drunk on white wine at my neighbor’s.

The ex came on Friday night, and finally realized things are over. It was pretty awful, but at least it wasn’t long. Now, it’s time to move on.

Steve called sick at work, and asked me to pay him a visit over lunch break: perfect excuse to fast.

The truth? He got so drunk last night he couldn’t drag his sorry ass at work. LOL

Boys, girls, I love you. Let’s make this fast last as long as possible. I’ll keep the comments window opened as much as possible, so write if you need some support!!

Full advantage

One week later, and I cannot believe how I could have doubts.

Steve is… I don’t even know how to explain. How different things are, and how unchanged at the same time.

The this is, Steve knows me well. He may seem to act like he doesn’t care certain things, but now I know he notices. He messages me through the day to make sure I’m doing okay (to let me know he’s thinking of me, basically. Which is exactly what I need). He helps me if I have difficulties at work. When we’re together (and not at work) he hugs me all the time, he never lets me go. And, while I’ve never been much of a PDA person, with him, I really feel like I belong into his arms.

I’m not doing great: I’m experiencing one of the worst phases of insomnia ever. Last Saturday I went sailing with Bro and others, and the wind was just too much and some of the ropes broke and we had some problems with the boat, so I hit my chest badly and it still hurts, so of course that doesn’t help sleeping.

Steve wakes up in the morning by my side and he’ll just know if I’ve slept at all. I was awfully tired last night, we got back to his place around 11 and went straight to bed. Two hours later he woke up and noticed I wasn’t sleeping, and started caressing/lightly massaging my back until I fell asleep, and I slept for 6 SOLID HOURS!!

Of course, between the insomnia, all the going out every night and the pain, I haven’t been really able to restrict and go the gym, so I’m still stuck at 119.7lbs. I’ll fast next week though, with Marcus, also because I’m back on the pill and this tends to make me gain weight (ouch).

I want this season to last forever. Work’s slow, and I’m kind of going out every night, taking full advantage of the amazing night life this city offers. I want to wear sundresses forever, I want to sail, drink, party… I wanna lay naked in Steve’s arms at night… (and no, we did not really have sex yet… but I promise you we will before we leave for vacation LOL).

Also, Steve’s almost 85lbs heavier than I am. He’s also something like 6 feet 5 inches tall (195cm), which means in my eyes he’s huge (I mean, considering we live in Italy, that’s really tall). I love it, also because… It kind of makes me feel tiny…

But I shall not forget my goals. I promise I will be 115 lbs by the end of August, and I really hope to do even better (110 would be just perfect!)

I love you a lot, I swear, I live for your comments!!

All I needed to hear

Last week I started realizing a couple of things. In first place, when (ex) Boyfriend would call, I was mostly annoyed. I didn’t miss him. I started talking to Bro about my issues, and suddenly it all came out: I wasn’t in love anymore; I didn’t want to share my life with him anymore. I felt awful, but I knew I had to do something.

So I talked to Bro, and I decided to be honest, because how could I rely on his advice if I kept hiding things?

What he said in first place touched my heart. “Well, I guess I haven’t been there for you as I should have, since you never realized anything was going on with this Steve. I’m sorry Sis, I’ll make it up to you”

“Don’t worry Bro. You are listening to me now, and that’s all I could ask for”

Bro opened up my mind, mostly by telling me that, if after a 4 years relationship, I still had all those doubts, it probably meant the ex and I weren’t meant to be together. He also said I needed to talk to Steve to get things clear in my mind. I tend to follow Bro’s advice. Mainly because Bro, well, he’s different. He may not have the greatest social skills ever, but he’s way above normal people as far as the brain department is concerned. His IQ was roughly estimated when he was a teenager around 150. He’s the most intelligent person I ever met, and has unique analysis skills.

So on Wednesday night I was at Steve’s place, but we weren’t alone. His roommate walked out for a second and I stared at Steve “We need to talk”

“We do indeed, but not tonight”

“We are talking tonight Steve, and that’s it”

It wasn’t going well. His roommate spent half of the evening bragging about the impossibility of dating co-workers, we drank too much and then Steve said he wanted to get some sleep. I got up to leave and he walked me out, but I had had too many beers and no food.

“Will you be all right?”

“Honestly I don’t think I can handle getting home on my bike or walking on these heels”

“Wanna sleep here? Up to you”

I took a deep breath

“Steve, what if I did it? What if I dump him?”

“I dunno”

“I dunno is not enough of an answer. I need to make decisions, and I need to make them now”

“Let’s get away together for a weekend”

I was LIVID. “No way! For fuck’s sake Steve! It’s not like you’re going to test me like that! We spent enough time together and you know me enough to be able to decide!”

He hugged me and said “Don’t be angry, I can’t make promises” I felt like crying.

“I don’t want promises, I’m not asking you any engagement of any kind. But I need to know if you’re into this or not”

“Of course I am, it’s just so sudden. But I do want to give us a try”

I kissed him “That’s all I needed to hear”

Some random facts

I'm down to 119.7lbs. Lowest weight over the last 4 years. Now I need to avoid weekend binging, and start heading towards 110.

I dumped Boyfriend. He didn't take it well.

Steve and I are giving it a try.

Forgive me for not developing any further. I need to work fast today, and then I shall go home for my nephew's birthday. I'll explain better on Monday, I promise.

What the hell am I going to do?

I went out last night for a good, Milan style aperitivo, and had a blast. The kind of aperitivo where you meet CEOs working in the fashion industry, and they are quite relieved to meet girls that are not just bodies (no offence to models)

Then, since I was downtown, I pinged Steve on his blackberry asking if he wanted to get the underground together to go home. He said sure, so we met downtown and headed to the bar outside the office for a beer. He was grumpy at first, and then he cheered up and we had a good time. At a certain point, he told me he is not so sure anymore he’ll move abroad. People, that made my day! After two beers, we decided to call it a night and went to the office parking to get my bike, and I hugged him

“You smell good” I said, my nose buried between his collar bone and his neck, even though with the heels I was wearing I was probably close to 5ft11 (around 180cm).

“Yeah sure. It’s been warmer than the Sahara all day long”

“You still smell good”

I got my bike and walked him home (he lives on my way home), and outside his place we hugged and kissed a little bit.

“Don’t make it more difficult than it already is” he moaned

I just hugged him tighter.

Later, at home, I really wished I could drift into sleep next to him.

This morning, I woke up at 120.2lbs. Could have been worse! Now, I’ve got to head towards 115.

Boyfriend is leaving for NYC tonight, and he’ll be away for a week. Then, he should move in. I am trying to make up my mind, and I have yet to decide if I’m going to go on with this thing, or if I’m going to dump him. I know, I’m an awful bitch. Forgive me.

(Amongst other thoughts, from a discussion with Bro, I said I’m happy living on my own. I said how great my life is. I said “Hell, I’m way closer to being skinny than I’ve ever been since I met Boyfriend”)

La Dolce Vita

I spent the weekend at the parents’ place, by the lake, as usual.

I wish I could say I stayed away from the boys, but of course it’s not true: I exchanged phone calls and emails with Boyfriend, Steve and Alejandro. UGH.

I didn’t do much on Saturday, because the weather wasn’t great. I just cooked lunch for Bro’s family, over ate, hung out with my mother, and then cooked dinner for mom, granny and her sister, over-ate.

Right after cleaning up the kitchen, Bro called me saying he was going to run a match race (like a regatta but with two boats only) at night, and offering me to join. Of course I said yes! The night was warm but very windy, so I grabbed my wetsuit and threw it in my bag with all my staff and ran out.

Bro was waiting for me with the tender and before he started rowing he cracked a bottle of beer open and gave it to me.

“A storm is coming, sis. Do you have the guts for this?” he teased me

“Man up Bro, because if you’re in, I’m in!”

Needless to say, while I was climbing into the boat, Bro’s buddies grab my bag and threw me into the water, so I was totally soaked before even starting!! Oh, and I managed to dive without losing my bottle, so Bro was all “look at my Sis, she’s the best, you throw her into the water but no matter what she won’t lose her booze!”.

I quickly changed into my wetsuit, and off we went. We sailed through the night, and the storm kept getting closer only to get away for a while and then come back. It was AMAZING; the lighting would crack allowing us to see the whole lake and the other boat, we would laugh, sail and drink…. It felt like silver screen.

I got home at 4, completely soaked (it poured rain around 2.15 and 2.30 in the morning), Bro’s kids were asleep as well as the Parents, so I didn’t even take a shower and went straight to bed, thinking “I want to live like this forever, I want this summer to last forever.”

Of course Mom woke me up at 6AM to go hiking.. UGH. Whatever. We did go hiking, and that’s good since I had eaten so much! We were back by 11.30, and I thought I would nap through three solid hours and then ride my Vespa to my grandfather. Instead, I had to babysit Bro’s kids until 7PM and then cook dinner for mom and dad. Needless to say, I binged, also because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Well, at least I spent the whole afternoon swimming, rawing on my kayak, and diving, all for the kids, so I did exercise.

So today I had a 400kcals lunch at the canteen, all while watching the ana girl from work who only had three spoonful of zucchini, all the while staring at my lunch with disgust. UGH.

As for the boys department… I’m not doing good. I can’t help having feelings for Steve. Let’s be honest: I don’t want to cut him off and I will not do it. I only have a few weeks left with him, and I’d rather live for the moment right now.

I’ll go to see Eclipse tonight, and then I’ll weight myself tomorrow morning. I hope I didn’t do too much damage!!

Your heart can't tell me no

"Why are you pouting?"
"I’m not. Okay, maybe I am, just a little bit"
"Oh, you totally are. You barely talk to me. So, you can develop or I’ll just go home Steve, because I’m tired"
"What did you do last night?"
"I told you, I was hanging out with a friend"
"Did you go to bed with him?"

I looked at him in the eyes. “No, I didn’t. Is this why you are pouting? This is getting ridiculous”
“I guess I’m just jealous”
“But I said I didn’t” – “That’s not all I’m talking about” he cut me off.
I stared at him, and he avoided my gaze.
“What is it that you want, Steve?”
“Rationally or irrationally?”
“Irrationally. What is it that you really want?”
“I would want you to dump your man”

Wow. I never thought he would get that straight to the point.

“And then?”
“I don’t know. But I understand your position, I do”
“So where does this lead us? Do you want me to leave you alone?”
In my mind, I silently screamed for him to hug me and not let me go.
He put an arm on my shoulders “No, I’m old enough to accept the way between the extremes. I guess we’ll just go on the same way”

Half an hour later, he walked me home, hugged me and started kissing me.

“Don’t leave me, Steve. Please, don’t walk away on me because I can’t take it”
He hugged me tighter “Okay. But I’m going home now”
Instead, he started kissing me with more urgency.
“Do you want to sleep here?” He knew I was not offering sex, but just some tenderness and cuddling.
“No, I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself” his hands gripped my ass “I’d better go now”
“Okay. Good night, and be safe. For what it’s worth, you know how much I care about you”

I woke up this morning at 120.15lbs.
Over stressed for this whole situation. I feel so bad for putting Steve through this, but I can't let him go. It's bad enough he'll move abroad in November.
Of course I had to binge like crazy at noon. Fuck my stupidity.

Action

Alejandro came over last night, and from the moment he stared at my body, I knew I was lost.

“Lucy. You are so beautiful. Your face, your hair... your body. I could stare at your body for hours, it’s just… flawless”

Alejandro, who could totally belong to a male thinspo, was just as usual: perfect tan, perfect waxed legs, his three tattoos in their places, his abs discreetly peeking, his pecs showing just as I like, not too much, not too little. His soft skin, his hands on my face.

“I missed you so much Alejandro”

“Me too Lucy. You have no clue”

Fast forward – two hours later

“I want you so bad. It’s been years, Lucy. You know that with no one else it is like with you”

“What about tomorrow? What if next week I want you again?”

“I’ll be there each time you’ll want me, you know that. I made a promise to you, years ago, and I’ll keep it forever”

“I know you will. But it wouldn’t be fair”

“I’d never cheat. But you… You came first. You came before my girlfriend. Mostly, the alchemy we share… I will never give you up. I tried, and I have never managed to. I’m going to kiss you now, and I’m going to do all I want to do. Just tell me to stop if that’s what you want, and I’ll let go”

...

We both cried out, loud. We both cried for more, until there was no more. It was as good as in my souvenirs, maybe even better.

(I was extremely thankful both my neighbors are on vacation)

When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer,

I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there

In the midnight hour I can feel your power

Just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing,

I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Feels like flying

I close my eyes, Oh God: I think I’m falling!

Last, but not least, stats:

120.8lbs

BMI: 19.19

Apparently, it shows

“You look great honey! You lost weight are look so fit!” Dad said on Friday, when we met at the station.

“Do I?” I knew he was right. I was 120.8lbs on Friday morning, add some high heels I had worn that gave me 4 supplementary inches, and the equation worked in my favor.

Later on the same day, Mother said “You look so thin!! Well done!”

I guess it’s true. I know the weight is not as low as I may wish, but I realized I am better fit than I thought. Over the weekend, dad and I hiked a 4500mt peak (the one in the pic below), and I really did well, never felt too tired or anything. It felt like my legs could go on forever and ever.

It felt like getting closer to the sky.

Most important, dad was so happy we went for this hike, I was glad I had accepted, although I wasn’t very motivated in the beginning. We did have a great time. And, the whole thing totally boosted my metabolism!

I’m hitting the gym again tomorrow morning, then I have a meeting with clients, and a pretty charged week.

Also, I’m working with a junior who’s thinner than I am, so it’s gonna be my motivation for the next two weeks.

Last week was kind of emotionally charged. I even cried on the phone with Alejandro… I’ll do better this week.

I’m not fasting, because from now until my August vacation I need to train harder, but I’ll still be restricting. I hope I didn’t gain too much over the weekend (although I burnt a lot, I had family lunch on Saturday and family dinner last night…). We’ll see tomorrow morning.

Love you skinnies!