I sit and type, as tears go by

I don’t know how much I weight. I woke up at the Parents’ place this morning, so I could not weight myself.
I did eat a bit too much on Saturday, but it was not catastrophic. On a positive note, I went running for 10km (6 miles) with Mother on Sunday.

I’m at work right now. Just went for a coffee with Steve and a bunch of other guys, Mick among them. Mick is the biggest mouth I ever know, and he makes fun of everyone, and I mostly find him funny. Sometimes he goes too far, but I just shut up: he only wants to make us laugh and no offense is intended.

Today he said I looked pregnant.

I was going to have espresso, no sugar. 0 kcal. All of a sudden, I thought I would not be able to drink it, and gave up. Mick and all the others know I want to drop some lbs (although they do not know to which extent, and they would freak out if they knew). They see me sticking to soup and apples every day at the canteen.
He said “You look pregnant. You got a pillow on your belly or what?” and moved on to other subjects.

I felt like crying.

Even worse, Alvaro (work mate I have a kind of crush for, not in terms of physical attraction, more in a “I want to spend the rest of my life and get old by your side” way) was standing there. He even gave Mick a bad look.

I felt tears in my eyes, and quickly looked away.

I looked at my belly, and all of a sudden I felt obese. I wanted to disappear. I looked up and Alvaro was looking at me sympathetically. I wanted to scream. I tried to catch Steve’s eye, to let him know I needed his support, but he was talking to somebody else, and I didn’t want the others to notice. I just stayed quiet, but I’m usually a loud girl, and one of the guys (someone I do not trust) kept asking me what was wrong for the next few minutes, until we walked back to our desks. I sat down, and still felt like crying.

I wanted to get to the rest rooms and cry, but there is no privacy there, so in a matter of minutes the whole office would know I’m crying. This is not an option. So I’m typing this instead.

In the end, it’s all my fault. I shall fast. I’ll fast until lunch tomorrow, and then it’ll only be salad without sauce. No soup. And I’ll hit the gym tomorrow morning. And I won’t binge anymore until no one will ever think I’m fat.