Keith. Whale versus mermaid

It keeps raining and raining.
Completely unusual for this place, this time of the year. I should be spending my weekends laying in sun by the lake, sipping white wine chez the neighbor, skinny dipping with my brothers at night.

Instead, I listen to U2’s Electrical storm.

On rainy days we’d go swimming out, on rainy days swimming in the sound, on rainy days we’d go swimming out..

Not yet warm enought to swim.

My eldest bro, Keith, is not really my brother. He’s Bro’s best friend, has been forever, and I call him brother and he calls me little sister. Has been this way forever.
When I was young and skinny, we would go on vacation together. The summer I turned 18, the three of us (Keith, Bro and I) spent the whole summer travelling through Austria, Switzerland and Germany. We would camp by lakes and go swimming at every time. We drank a lot.

Many, many times, Keith carried me out of the water like this.

Mostly at night time, when we would go back to our tent.
Keith moved to Maldives almost 2 years ago. He’s home now for a short while, then he’ll leave again. I miss him a lot.

Bro loves me, I love him, I’m closer to Bro, but Keith understands better my wilderness, my failures, my problems.

I’ll see Keith in two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, there is no romance between us.
But how can I go swimming with him when I’m so fat?
How can I expect him to carry me out of the water?
How can I expect him to even care about me?

I’m at 124.6 lbs. Gross. I had actually fasted for 30 hours (only drank unsweetened espresso and water), and then ate one whole pizza last night. I feel more like a whale than like a mermaid.

Coffee is cold, but it'll get you through:
Compromise, that's nothing new to you

Coffee is always my solution. As if I wasn’t already fucking sleepless.

Forgive me Keith. Please, try and love me anyways. Time with you is too precious to be wasted. I can’t tell you how obsessed with food I am. Please believe I’m fine. I just want everything to be the same as ten years ago.