It feels like it's all collapsing

The first, most important thing I want to write is how happy I am for Marcus. You are amazing!!!

Also, I want to thank you all lovely people for your comments, your support. Matilda, loved to hear from you! Ancora, I really missed you, it’s good to see you’re posting again!

Sadly, the rest of the post won’t be on the same mood.

After two solid days of fasting, I’m at 122.8lbs. I’m not giving up. Over the last two days, the only calories I’ve had came from 4 nuts and half of a green apple, plus some sugar free gum and two beers (I’ll explain). I’m still fasting and hopefully I’ll manage to go on until Friday night/Saturday morning. My red bracelet is helping me.

Steve came back last night and called me to chat. I proposed hanging out, because I don’t like much to talk on the phone, and he asked me to join him and his flat-mate for dinner. He said he would buy me green salad, I said I would get to his place but I didn’t need dinner.

I brought over a green apple to show him I eat, and had half of it, plus the beers. We hung out with his flat-mate, a nice girl we’ll call Robin, talked about work, his trip to Greece, Robin’s dates and so on. Then she went to sleep, and soon my beer number two started to taste and smell funky. I was feeling dizzy and weak, and keep in mind that both outside and inside it was over 90F (32-33 Celsius).

As soon as Robin went to her room, Steve got closer and hugged me. I probably looked tired because he asked if I was feeling good and I said I wasn’t. And then he asked me what was wrong, and I don’t know why, I blurted out “Because I’ve been fasting for 48 solid hours”. I regretted it instantly, but he didn’t say anything. He got up, hugged me tight and asked if I wanted to stay for the night. I said I’d better go home, and he offered to walk me home, but I declined, saying I’d rather felt like taking my bike.

So he walked me out, hugged me tightly again, and started kissing me.

I mean, it wasn’t even a French kiss, but he really was into it.

“Don’t go” he whispered

“I can’t. I’m sick. And it’s not a good idea anyway. Forgive me. Please” I turned my head and let it rest on his chest.

“You’re sure you will manage to get home safe?”

I nodded.

“Okay. I’d better let you go now. Or I don’t guarantee I’ll control myself much longer”. I could feel he was turned on, and nodded. He broke the hug, then hugged me quickly and whispered “Be safe” and backed off. And I went home. The air on my face helped me feeling better, I got home and texted him to let him know I was fine. I drank 2 liters of water to help me get rid of the beer, and went to sleep.

I’m afraid. Steve knows about my EDNOS. Steve may have feelings for me. What am I afraid of?

No. 1: this could lead into breaking Steve’s heart.

No. 2: this could lead into losing the best friend I have

No. 3: I still want to be in his arms. I feel he's the only link to reality I still have.

And, I feel I’m losing control. Why on earth did I admit I was fasting? What am I, an idiot?

I'm not just afraid.

I'm scared.

Fasting

Most sporty weekend ever

I spent HOURS swimming with Bro’s kids on my back or on my shoulders, hours carryign both of them around the lake with my (one place) kayak.

I spent HOURS making love to Boyfriend

And hours eating and drinking white wine, gulp!

I don't know how much I gained, I'll weight myself tomorrow morning.

Long story short: I’m fasting. I started this morning, and will try to go on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

And while fasting, I’ll keep the lovely Marcus on my mind. Stay strong dear friend.

A better me

I’m a fat cow.
But.
I can’t stand disappointing people over the upcoming weekend.

Boyfriend is driving to my Parents’ place, and I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks or so.
Dad is fetching me from the city tonight – driving the whole way to my job and back, over 2 hours – because he doesn’t want me to face the train strike.
Mom is baking pesto lasagna tomorrow, and I’ll deep-fry pumpkin flowers.

I’ll smile, I’ll do my best to be nice to everyone, because they don’t deserve all my bullshit.

So the plan is this. Tomorrow morning I have to wake early (I have an appointment at 8ish and some errands to run) and I’ll let Boyfriend sleep in late. While he’s sleeping, I’ll go out with the canoe, because I never exercise my arms-shoulder as much as I should.
Then we’ll swing by at my neighbor’s for a glass of white wine, maybe take a quick swim in the lake, then lunch. Wine + lasagna + fried flowers + vegs and fruits. No way to stay below 800kcals.

Afternoon will most likely be dedicated to sun-tanning.

On Sunday I’ll go running with Boyfriend and maybe Dad. We actually run up and downhill, since we’re surrounded by the Alps, so it’s a good exercise (great for my butt!). At least one meal will be a meat BBQ at Bro’s, so I’m safe at least once (I’m vegetarian, and Bro understands me).

And once Sunday dinner is over, I swear I will fast through the whole week. I will wear my red bracelet, and hopefully it will help me through the fast.

I want to be a skinny bitch.
Alejandro is visiting on Monday and I’m already worried about how my butt will look.
I want to be skinny when Steve will be back, next Thursday. I want him to wonder whether I have eaten at all during his absence (which is nuts, because in all honesty, Steve likes fatties best).
I want to go dancing at I want guys to look at me the way they used to when I was in my teens, and until 3 years ago. I wanna look fucking fragile, breakable.

I want a BMI below 18. I will reach it.

Rejection hurts

It’s insane, and it’s all my fault.
I rarely felt so rejected in my life. And Steve doesn’t even know he rejected me so badly.

Because today, at the canteen, when he commented on the skinny bitch that walked by, I decided I’d look just as beautiful tonight. So I wore my fave dress, a spaghetti strap thing that never failed me, and even paid better attention while wearing my make up.
And I did look good. I know I did, because men stared at me, and even complimented me, while I was walking to meet a friend for drinks. I should have met Steve later. After all, he’s leaving tomorrow, and I wanted to hang out with him just a little. After all, he sent 4 emails apologizing.

And I should know that he didn’t come out because he only got home at eleven PM from work, and he was ired, and we have to wake up at 6.
Instead:
- I feel awfully rejected and hate myself for having dressed up like that
- I can’t stop thinking, if I was 15-20lbs lighter, he wouldn’t reject me this way
- Most important, I binged on chips like a starved mad ape.
And then I got home on the edge of tears, I didn’t cry, wiped away my make up instead, set the alarm at 6 in order to hit the gym, and swore I’ll never ever eat again.
And we all know I’m bound to fail this promise.

At least I look decent today. Oh, and 122.8lbs this morning.

PS: Steve left for the airport 2 hours ago. He already called me four times. Men.

All I needed...

I failed and I knew I would.

I failed and I know why I did.

Forgive me, my readers, I know I also failed you. But know that I know why I did fail, I’ll find the right way.

At least I still lost some, and I woke up at 123.4lbs.

The thing is this: I need a fasting song. A song that inspires me and that I can listen to when I feel tempted.

I had a song last week. I didn’t have a song over the last two days. Now I know which song will be my fasting leit motiv this time, my mantra if you prefer.

It’s gonna be an old song, Moby’s “Extreme ways”. Extreme ways helped me before, and it’s going to help me once again.

I started over this morning, by hitting the gym. I’ll try to go on until Friday night.

Fasting. “I would stand in line for this, there’s always room in life for this!”

I don't need anything else.

I love you all people.

...

123.9lbs
I broke the fast yeasterday night, but I'm starting again.

I just read Marcus post and don't feel like blogging right now. Let's hope it's nothing.

Binge & Fast

Dear, lovely skinnies,

I’m sorry for disappearing. The weekend has been crazy, mad and hectic. I had to organize this huge party with all my family friends, 65 people were attending, all in my parents’ garden, and Mother and I cooked and baked through two solid days. The only pause occurred when my 83 years old aunt called me on the phone

“Come and get me”

Now, aunt is no drama queen, so I worried and inquired

“I’ll be right there but where are you?”

“I fell into the creek. Hit my head. Come, please”

I couldn’t make her say anything else. She does have a rocky creek in her garden (almost a small river actually). I stashed the phone, cried out loud for dad and Bro (they’re the doctors after all) and sprinted downstairs, through the garden and to the car. We hopped in and, while driving, I explained I did not know whether she was still in the creek, on her legs or not, or anything that mattered. In the end, she was mostly fine, had indeed hit her head, but was conscious and on her legs, all bruised but mostly scared.

So we took her home with us, medicated her head, nose and hands, I washed her hair and combed it, and mostly tried to make her feel comfortable. She was so thankful!

The only downside is, between this and the stress of the party, I stuffed my face like I was mia (Which I’m NOT). I’m probably over 125lbs.

Oh well. We also sailed the regatta on Sunday (though the Pirate wasn’t there), it was way windier than usual, and very physical, we even got scared at certain moments, and I got completely washed up more than once (and it WAS cold).

Something interesting came up on Saturday morning… I was baking a quiche, when I got an email from Steve:

“Will you fly to Greece with me on Thursday? We’ll be back on Wednesday. Let me know. S.”

What sucks is, I want to go. It’s been pouring rain here, and I’m so tired, I’d love so much to get to that island (that I know very well by the way, I spent 4 months there when I was a kid). But I can’t. Work is going nuts again, and my vacation booked for next week (that I shall spend with Boyfriend) will most likely be cancelled. If I manage to have the weekend off from work, I’ll see boyfriend, and I’d better, since I haven’t seen him in over a month and I swear I don’t even know what to tell him on the phone. Plus, he’s furious that I won’t be able to get away from work next week.

Well, that’s almost all folks. Last but not least, Marcus and I are fasting. We started this morning, and hope to make it until Thursday – Friday. Anyone would like to join us? I love fast buddies!!!

Best. Day. Ever.

Who cares if Steve was too sick to go out last night? Who cares if it rains?
Who cares if work sucks, if Boyfriend is so absent, who cares about anything?

Not me people. Why?

Because the scale, my most loyal, most trust-worth friend, this morning told me I’m at 121.9lbs

My lowest weight in a long time, buddies. This fast is working, and is not even as hard as I had expected.

Current BMI: 19.34. Not enough of course, but still an achievement.

Cassie’s way of fake eating worked perfectly yesterday, and I’m doing it today as well. I didn’t even had any salad: since last Sunday night, my intake has consisted of water, unsweetened espresso, and all in all half a glass of warm half skimmed milk. And I’m going to the gym.

I don’t mean to sound pompous or anything, but I’m proud of myself. And I’m starting to think I can maybe manage to reach my goal for next Sunday.

This is my tummy, I took the picture with my blackberry this morning.

And this is when I suck the fat in:

(Yes, that's my teddy bear too. Why, don't you have a teddy bear?)

It’s going to be harder over the weekend (I’ll be at the parents’ place from Thursday night), because we’re throwing a huge party on Saturday night (60 people attending) so I’ll be cooking for two solid days. So My plan is to keep on fasting until Thursday night, and then try to stick to raw vegetables.
How are you people doing?
Matilda, sweetie, if you’re reading this, I don’t know why but I cannot post comments on your blog. My mind is with you, good luck for this 24h fast.
Marcus, let us know how your exams were, and how are you doing with your fast.

I love you all skinnies!!

Fasting birthday

I have been fasting since Sunday night, which means about 38 hours. And I hit the gym this morning.
So far I only had black coffee (unsweetened), water and I had to drink one beer last night. But (excuse me, this is gross) beer works on me as a laxie, so…
Steve took me out last night with other friends of his to watch the match. It made me happy, because he made me understand nothing changed between us. We’re actually even closer. Like, when I got to the pub there wasn’t much place and he immediately gestured me to sit on his lap, so he kept me there through the whole match and never complained that I’m a big fat whale. After the match, the others wanted to go to McD to grab some dinner, and I said I would rather go home. Steve’s flatmate tried to convince me and said Steve would surely walk me back afterwards, but Steve said “Let her go, she’d never manage to resist McD”.
Sometimes I wonder how much he understands.

I’m stuck at 124.6lbs (blame it on the weekend, mom fed me).

I’m going for lunch with workmates in 10 minutes. I’m trying out Cassie’s way. Do you remember when she explains in “Skins” how she fakes eating? We’ll see.
Oh, and since it’s my birthday, Steve said he’s taking me out tonight, but we haven’t made plans yet.

Wish me luck skinnies!

What I've done

Last Friday, while fasting, Steve IMed me
Steve: “You in town tonite?”
Lucy: “Yup, cause I’m working tomorrow. Wanna hang out?”
S: “Am super pissed. Work sucks. Prepare your liver, we’re getting drunk”

Huh ho, I thought, I’m not getting THAT drank because I’m working tomorrow, but hell I DO wanna go out!

We both worked late, and at 10PM we met on the way to out favourite pub, where Steve ordered the first round of beers before I even walked in. the night was hot, kids were partying because the school is over, we got a table outdoor and started drinking and sharing stories about our respective weeks. I shared my concerns about Boyfriend and how I didn’t meet Alejandro, and Steve, being Steve, said I am a train wreck.
“Steve, be honest with me. You are a man, and I remember very well what you told me about your friend stag that you attended three weeks ago. Is my boyfriend getting laid in this very moment?”
“Not necessarily, stop being a train wreck, it depends on him”
“Why aren’t you looking at me in the eyes while you’re telling me this?”

Then we moved the discussion to his week: he told me he got a job interview for the London office (he would like to go there for 2 years), and I said I’m glad for him but sad for me. As I explained before, I do think that I’d be way more miserable in the office if Steve wasn’t a part of it. Steve was indeed stressed and angry, and had only started chilling, so he started saying that everything will change anyway once Boyfriend moves in, and I was a bit hurt, so I said sure, I won’t hang out THAT much anymore, but it would be just the same if HE had a girlfriend, and he agreed I was right. Then he really started chilling, ordered food, didn’t even insist that I eat (because I did not eat, at least), and we kept ordering beers.

Blame the night, blame the heat, blame the beer. I knew I needed a man, and Steve was there for me. We kept hugging, moved to another pub (closer to my place), kissed, danced, he took me on his lap, and then... I passed out.

I wasn’t even drunk, just hypoglycemic. Luckily I knew it was going to happened, and managed to tell him “Hold me tight because I’m falling”. And I passed out. Luckily, I came back pretty quickly, and he blamed it on the booze. But the truth is, he had had shots and was way more drunk than I was. So at 4AM we walked home and I thought he was way too drunk to go home alone, and I wouldn’t manage to walk to his place and back, so I told him to shut his big mouth and to sleep at my place.

Of course, we both ended more or less naked during several phases of the night, but no real sex happened. Sure, Steve tried hitting on me at various moments, but we spent most of the night hugging tightly. Lord, how I needed a little tenderness! I mean, he even gave me an awesome back massage early in the morning! And then I showered and went to work (which was hard, because booze without food and not even 3 solid hours of sleep….) and left him sleeping at my place.

I cannot say I regret it. I felt good, I felt protected, I felt desired. I know it was wrong, towards Boyfriend, towards Steve and towards me.
I think we can go on with our friendship like it never happened. I just hope I’m not wrong. I mean, later on Saturday he stopped by at the office to give me my keys, and we talked later on the phone because I had some issues at work, and we were normal.
I AM NOT SORRY.
Call me a bitch if you want.

PS I ended up fasting 30 hours, than I went home to see the parents and had to eat. But I’m fasting again this week, I'm probably starting tonight!


UPDATE: I started fasting, and the lovely Marcus is in as well! Join us, skinnies!!

Excuse my bitterness, who's fasting with me?

(Post written on Thursday evening)

So, what are the plans for the weekend? Oh, yes, I’m missing the small birthday party Bro was throwing for me (not Keith of course, my other Bro). Just a nice BBQ with friends, possibly the Pirate. I guess most peopledon’t attend their own birthday party because they spend the weekend working, huh?
The Boyfriend is attending his best friend stag this weekend. In Budapest.
Do I need to be more explicit or are we clear that I’m going to work all weekend while he’s getting laid in Budapest?
I always suffered competition with chicks for Eastern Europe. It’s easy: guys who like me are into girls with blond hair, fair skin, blue eyes (yes, tall, because hey, I come from Italy, so taller than 5’6 is tall here).
So he’s getting laid in Budapest.
I’m home alone.

So I fasted all day, and then I shot an email to my skinny Alejandro, hot like Mexico friend with benefits. I thought what the hell, if Boyfriend is getting laid by some slut at a stupid stag, I can get laid by my dear slim Alejandro, can’t I? Boyfriend would never know anyway.
Of course I didn’t exactly wrote “Hey, booty call, bring your ass to my place pronto!”.
It was more on the lines of “Hey, wanna grab a beer Friday/Saturday night?”
So I cannot blame anyone but myself if Alejandro answered that he’s sorry, but he’s going to the sea for the weekend. I should have told him I was waiting for him naked and hot. How the hell should he understand that he’s getting lucky, when we haven’t had real sex in 4 years? And of course I cannot possibly tell him about the stag, because well, it’s none of his business.

Oh, needless to say, I binged after getting his answer.
And of course, I’m such a lousy bitch I cannot wait for Alejandro to come on Monday night. Because by then, Boyfriend won’t be in Budapest anymore, and I would feel too guilty. Fuck me, why am I so dumb?

Friday morning update:125lbs. Fuck me.

Friday 4PM (Western Europe time): I'm starting a fast. For as long as I can. Anyone joining me?

May Wolverine help me

I would like to destroy myself today. Yesterday I probably ate over 2500Kcals between food and white wine. Granted, my colleagues had at least 1000kcals more than I did, but what kind of excuse is that?
The thing is, yesterday we were told to take the night off and go out, have dinner and chill. (This actually means that we left the office at 8PM. We get to work at 7.30AM in the morning, by the way…)
Why? Well, because from today until somewhere next week, we’re gonna be in a crazy rush. Apparently we’re driving back to Milan tomorrow night, and then I expect it’s gonna be 18-20 working hours from Friday until probably Tuesday-Wednesday.
We didn’t have a single day off since June 1.
So, this stress is my lame excuse for having binged like a pig.

At least I went running this morning (although it felt like all the food I had eaten was there right in my stomach, going up and down), and then when I got back to the hotel, at 6.30AM, I took off my shoes and actually went swimming in the sea for a couple of minutes. It was amazing!! What was a bit less amazing was when the receptionist at the hotel stared at my fat, so visible with my wet shorts and top sticking to the fat like glue...

However, Wolverine boss drove here last night (he actually got here at 2AM and is in a bad mood, which makes him even sexier), so I’m counting on his support and I’m back to my fruits and raw vegs diet. I swear the man gets skinnier every week. He's the most amazing living thinspiration.

Not having a scale freaks me out. I’m sure I’m over 126lbs once again. Well, if I am driving back to the city, I’ll hop on the scale Friday morning.

Last but not least, hello new followers! I love you already!
How are you people doing? Throw me some encouragement becaus eI'm going to need all of it!!

Goodbye Keith

Keith left a couple of hours ago. Going back to Maldives.

For those who are new, Keith is my eldest brother, who I love and who currently lives in Maldives. He only comes home twice per year, for a couple of weeks.

I wanted so hard to be thin for him. So that we could go swimming together and he could carry me out of the water, like he did when I was skinny and we would go on vacation together.

I'm sorry, Keith. My failure didn't matter.

I didn't even get to see him, because I couldn't go home. I was working the whole time, and I'm 800km from home.

I miss you Keith. More than I can tell you on the phone. We were never good at talking, we're better at hanging out.

I'll do my best, oh brother I will. Hopefully, by this time next year, you'll be living at home. And we'll go swimming at night, tipsy and everything. And I'll be thin, I promise. I'll be your mermaid.

Just do forgive me please.

Not Afraid

This is probably the most thinspiring thing I can think of these days.


I'm not afraid to take a stand




When I say 'em or do somethin I do it, I don't give a damn
what you think, I'm doin this for me, so fuck the world!!


...


And I just can't keep living this way
Sooo starting today, I'm breaking out of this caaaaage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me.



I love you guys. Let me know you're there, 'cuase these are hard days.

Sunday morning: pear and gym

Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your breath..... Lucy's getting on her scale...

124.4lbs

Step down. Step up again. The number is still 124.4

I grin like an idiot and watch myself in the mirror. Yes, my tummy is flatter. I guess the fruit + veggies idea is working.
I also burnt 400kcals last night at the gym.
The only bad thing is, I have to go to work again today and tnight I'm leaving once more. Plus, I've barely slept because of an eye infecton that hurts like hell. But seriously, who cares? I'll be 120lbs or less by June 20, it's a promise to myself.

I love you skinnies.
I'm eating a pear for breakfast, then I'm off to the gym before work!!

I believe someone is going to help me

I failed yesterday. Hell, I failed through the whole week.
This needs to stop. Hell, I'm back to 127.4lbs. Almost 58 kg.
Since this morning, I’m only allowed fruits and veggies. No sugar, no oil, no sauce, NO BULLSHIT.
The choice is between FATTIE and SKINNIE.

I know where I wanna stand.

I’m working from the office today, but I stopped by at the market this morning and bought a bag of strawberries and apricots.
Will have salad at noon.
Will hit the gym tonight (won’t have much time though, I’ll likely be able to burn 300-400 kcals).
Will hit the gym for an intense cardio session tomorrow morning (when I do this, I usually manage to burn 800kcals).

And tomorrow afternoon I’ll leave again, back to the place I was this week, but I will be strong. Actually, the director will be there, and he’ll make me work like crazy, but he knows me well and will force me to go running EVERY morning and will not let me eat carbs. He’s an ex-fattie now super toned, and totally thinks I could use dropping 15lbs.
And he’s hot.
This kind of hot, actually.

(ok, he has less pecs than HJ, but still has these looks, especially when angry)

(oh, and yes, I know I need to get laid. I just don't have the time to)

Madness

This job is crazy.

Some say to survive it, you need to be as mad as a hatter.

But I lost my much-ness.
Or maybe just my skinny-ness. Which is the same.

I wanna lose a lot of weight. Fast.

“This is impossible” Alice said
“Only if you believe it is” repied the Mad Hatter

If I’m 120lbs by June 20, I’ll do the futterwacken at the regatta.

Oh well, at least I went running this morning. The worst thing is not bing able to weight in the morning.

I thought I was going to get laid...

…instead they fucked me up.

June 2nd is bank holiday in Italy. I took Thursday and Friday off, and bought a ticket, and planned to visit Boyfriend in France, for a long weekend of debauche (how shall I put it in English? Crap, let’s just say that sex was the main course on the weekend menu).
Instead, an emergency popped out at work, so this morning I left. I’m now in central Italy (east coast), no clue how long I’m gonna stay here (the possibilities range between 10 days and 3 months…).
I didn’t do too badly over the weekend: I was 125.6lbs this morning.
Even though last night, knowing I was leaving, Steve and I got drunk on beers, but before reaching drunkenness he coaxed me into eating French fries. I still stayed below 800kcals, and I hit the gym before going out.

However, while staying here, I’ll have to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my colleagues. Every day. Possibly over weekends as well. Also, I won’t have a scale while I’m here.
This, my friends, is going to SUCK.