Crush

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you're mine

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true:
a body like you

Not good. Obsessed with weight. My two best friends from work moved on the other side of the atlantic ocean. I just.. I don't even know. I feel so lonely. This winter is unbearable, it seems to always rain. I need to spend sometime outside in the sun. I need a friend to share a salad with at lunch time. I need attention. I am so fucking needy I'm disgusted by myself

I hadn't even considered hurting myself for years. This is so fucked up.


I will burn for you, feel the pain for you, I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart..
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me.

Not much happening.
I'm in a rut, since I'm rather unhappy at work right now. In addition, I'll be going to Oman soon (for work).
Couldn't they send a man there? nope. WTF.
The only good news is my half marathon new personal best time is 1h52. Fucking proud of myself.
Yet, I'm still fat. FML

Half marathon

Ladies and gentlemen,

Truly yours ran the half marathon (trail) last Sunday in 2h01m
So fucking proud of myself.

The rest, is entirely gah. My life looks like shit and stinks like shit right now and you know why? It's because IT IS shit.

Miserable and Dietbet

After waking up this morning and feeling miserable all day long (the scale spat out an insulting 132.1lbs), I joined a Dietbet bet (here)
The rest?
Work? Work sucks so badly I don't even wanna start ranting 'bout it.
Friends? well, all my friends have moved away / are in the process of moving oversea. In addition, they're so skinny I want to die when I walk around with them.

So, here's the plan.
1-Dietbet
2-Husband and I have a half marathon on Sunday (won't be running all the time, but a good chunk running and the rest walking - aiming at 2h30)
3- Next week Husband will be in the Netherlands, so I can cut food and
4- Practice my new Jillian Michaels' DVD (Yoga Inferno) and
5- put in action some BenderFitness workout and
6- drag my fat ass to the gym for some additional running.

Good luck Lucy

whoah

Summer's gone, and I'm so FUCKING struggling

I've finally had a SERIOUS business idea for a start-up. The only issue is, I really need to get skinny for it to happen. I know what it sounds like, but believe me, it's true.

Also, I'm back to virtually vegetarian regime. (virtually = I will eat meat/fish if there's no option to skip them without embarassing my in-law. So, I may end up doing it few times a year). I read one of those horror books about intensive farming and well..
I mean, after all, I have been veg for 8 straight years in my life so it shouldn't be a big issue.

Got a hell of a week - am in Rome now, will be in central Italy tomorrow morning, then Prague from tomorrow night till Monday morning, then back in Milan.
(upside: last time I've been in Prague I didn't buy anything to eat for 7 days. My mom had baked me some bread and I didn't touch any local food which I found, with no exception whatsoever, utterly disgusting - let's hope things haven't changed)

Gaining. Fuck

In sleep he sang to me
In dreams he came
that hunger calls to me
and speaks my name
and do I binge again
for now I find
The pounds once lost are here
Inside my body

Fast once again me
wannabe skinny
My power over you
grows stronger yet
And though you turn from me
To glance behind
The fat you lost is here
Inside your butt

onwards

Monday.
been at work for 15 straight hours with no break. Still a lot left to do, will prob reach 16 hours in total.
no lunch, no dinner
another day in paradise.

My period is 15 days late. Exhausted or pregnant?
No time to go purchase a test.
Not sure which one I'd prefer.

overwhelmed

I just..

I don't know

I can't keep up with this anymore



Been working over the last three weekends in addition to full week.

70 hours this week and it's only Saturday (Italian week goes from Monday to Sunday)



I never have time to eat - I end up fasting without even wanting it. This is very triggering. I'm not even hungry anymore. I just have a constant headache. Been having it for 10days now.



I drink fresh grapefruit juice at aperitivo and avoid eating.



I blurted out to a close friend (who is skinny and not pro-ana, Lord bless her): "I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to stop eating entirely."



Over the past week I usually had milk and cereals at breakfast, and sometimes a boiled egg for dinner. I also once ate 15gr of parmesan cheese, and one 0%fat, no sweeteners greek yoghurt.



(Sie kommen zu euch in der Nacht, Demonen (...) Schwartze Feen)



at least BMI is finally below 20.

I hate my German client. I hate him on so many levels I have a hard time restraining myself from insulting him in German all the time.

(insulting in German is so liberating)

I am despicable.

Mein Herz bMein Hertx brennt rennt!!!!







Now dear kids

listen carefully

I'm the voice from under the pillow

I brought something along

(...)

with this very heart I did it (...)

I'll sing 'till day breaks

A burning star from the sparkling firmament





I am so in love with Stefano, and yet I can't help my fear that thing may not work.He was away last week, now he's back. If he figures out I'm not eating, things may get out of control.



I don't wanna go back to eating

I just don't

Ishould have stayed in Crete

Back to reality, work hits hard on me
At this precise moment my promotion is being discussed. I should have an unofficial answer by the end of the day.
I feel like puking.

In the meanwhile, my main sponsor at work told me how at Partner's meeting, a Partner said "Yeah, but the fact she married S is bound to be a problem. Eventually, we'll have to chose him instead of her, and she's gonna have a bad influence on him"
Seriously?
1. we are not the only married couple in this office and were not the first. we don't work on same projects. there is no fucking problem.
2. besides, this is unfair on so many levels, I don't even want to start sorting them out

this in a company where last month was dedicated to Diversity celebration.

fuck you assholes.

weightwise, things are slow as fuck but at least going in the right direction.
127.4lbs this morning (57.8kg). BMI 20.2

Not making any sense

At the gym this morning - at the fourth km, almost passed out. Had to stop running.
Jogged 20km last Sunday with Husband and two friends. It was a slow jog, on a trail (with lots of ups and downhill), we took it easy and completed in 2h30'.

Weight is plateaud
whatever.

Allergy is taking over me.
8 days and I'll be in Crete.
Falasarna, Elafosissi, Samaria Gorges. Can't wait.

The word Falasarna is so ancient its meaning is lost; civilization existed there so long ago it's not even Greek. Yet, today, it's almost wild, inhabited. to me, Falasarna means paradise.

Also, found out the Spain thing is all a misunderstanding.

Falasarna

Elafonissi

This point of the Samaria Gorge is called Sideroportes (The Iron Gates). Makes me thing of Moria gates

In my secret life

For the first time in the year, woke up at 128.7lbs (58.4kg). 12 lbs gone from January first. BMI from 22.3 to 20.4.

Everybody's commenting on how I look skinnier.

I'm not asking for impossible things: I'd simply like to reach 55kg. C'mon guys, that's a 19.3 BMI. It's still fat, but... It would mean a lot to me.
can I be slim already? pretty please?

In the meanwhile, my best friend ever, who moved back to NYC last summer, called to say she's coming to visit end of May.
Oh, I was so excited! So happy.

Then I founf out she's actually going to Spain with another friend, and afterwards squatting at my place for a couple of days. To Spain, I'm not invited.
This is enough rejection to stop eating until she flies in end of May

LTM

130.7 lbs is the lowest weight of the last twelve months.
how fucking long before I'm at least below 130? I'll probably kill myself if this doesn't happen by Saturday.
59.3kg of disgustness. Well, I know not all of it is fat. About 14 kg (31lbs).
Gym tomorrow morning.
I may go back to puking, but with the allergy hitting me so hard core, it's probably a very bad idea right now.
going back to working, sniffing and coughing
love

After putting in 16 solid hours of work yesterday, that involved skipping dinner and leaving halfway through lunch (which consisted of raw salmon and green salad), new low weight of the year.
59.8kg this morning. 132.1lbs. BMI: a solid 21.0
Still disgusting, and we all know that weight loss achieved through fasting doesn't last.
Well, at least I did drink a lot of water throughout the whole day, so the loss shouldn't be derived from water starvation.

(and just in case you were wondering, no, I don't get paid for extra hours)

Not good

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I am so fucking gross and fat I disgust myself also I had sworn to be down to 57 (which is super gross) for the Marathon instead I'm still over 60
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
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Am I going to die fat? Will I ever stop to work 60+ hours a week?

(Also, my boss just got a Liposuction done to her legs. I fucking hate her)

argh

My relay marathon is next Sunday

and my idiot husband left our running shoes at his parents place

weight has been stuck for 3 weeks now. fuck, fuck, fuck.

(how the fuck am I gonna run 10k in a decent time with old, overused, no longer having any kind of amortization shoes?)

Gah

small steps are okay.

but I'm starving and yet still 133.2lbs / BMI 21.1 (that would be 60.4kg)

run, run, run

I'm friends with a monster

Slowly, very slowly, super slowly, but yet the scale numbers are getting lower.

I'm starving myself, only drop little by little. Also because I binge every fucking weekend, but in the end, I'm still losing weight. That's what counts.



Also, I'm training like crazy. I have a 10km run on April 6 which happens to be a work event, and I aim at closing it in 54 minutes. (back in 2005, in Lyon, with a BMI of 17.2, I did 10km in 48 minutes. but current BMI is an embarrassing 21.2, so forget about anything below 54 minutes)



For the time being, I've also decided to cut the alcohol entirely until this run (not that I was drinking much anyways, usually a couple beers on Friday nights but apparently that's too much anyways)



Also, my friend and I completed the 30 days squat challenge and in April we'll start the 30 days abs challenge. Clearly, that's on top of the running and the rest of exercise I'm and will be doing.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

)

Lowest weight

while I'm ashamed to admit this
I have reached the lowest weight so far this year.

(I'm ashamed because this so-called low is 60.7kg - 133.8lbs. Meaning BMI 21.3 UGH).
Yet it's still better this slow slow slow loss than any gaining.

Don't forget your vitamins, your water and your km to run. And say goodbye to Grandfather

My Grandfather finally passed away yesterday.
There's nothing there to be said, besides that at least he went in peace.

I've been good with my training program. I'm running 21km per week (gonna increase that progressively, but I don't think I'll get above 25km). Basically I run 5 to 7km twice weektime early in the morning and 10km on Sunday afternoons. On top, I do pull-ups, abs and lounges after running, and I do the 30days shred by Jillina Michales twice during the week. (Basically it's 3 circuits, each with 3min strength, 2min cardio and 1min abs, but it is intense).

S is gonna be in Rome for the next two weeks; I expect a significant upside for my restricting, although I will join him next weekend and man, Roman food is the most exquisite in the world, so that may be dangerous.

On Saturday I went shopping and refused to purchase trousers - until I lose a lot of weight, that is.

I started 2014 at 140.4lbs (63.7kg, BMI22.3) . SHAME ON ME

I'm currently at 135.6lbs (61.5kg, BMI 21.5).

On April 6 I'm running a 10km run with my boss. My goal is 55 minutes. My weight goal is to be 57kg by then, and 55kg bu May15 (when I'll go to Crete on vacation).

This is achievable. It is. So yes, water, vitamins and training.

bad

Lana Del Rey is killing me

Work is killing me

Being fat is killing me

Kiss me all before you go, summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
that baby, you're the best

Mid year moderation meeting at work. Turns out I'm the best of my group. Yet, there may be no place for promotions. Which I already did not get last year.

I'm fat. I'm ashamed of my fatness.

Just wanna go back to when I was 16 and skinny
Living in the UK summertime with Kat, who really was the best at that time.

I really really really feel miserable in my body. I wish I could just no longer care about work and focus on training and dieting.

I cannot die, because then I'd stay fat forever. Nothing scares me more.

Kat is gone, my sweet 16 are gone, the time when I was skinny's gone.

All that's left is this fat sitting on my belly, on my bootie, on my legs, every fucking where.

Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness

See at minute 3:14.

That dog is exactly like my best friend growing up, my shepherd, my brother really. You've been gone for over 10 years, but you'll always be part of our lives!

Meh

Run like hell

Ran 6 miles last night (10km). Fast (at least fast for me)
I had not run further than 4 miles since before the wedding (in August) due to hip problems first and laziness afterwards.
Am ridiculously proud of myself.
Weight wise though, things are not going well.
Bah

get comfortablewith being uncomfortable

On the morning of the wedding, I was chatting with my hairdresser. (who at 50, has the hottest body in town).
We were talking about girls who like, 1 month before the wedding, decide to grow their hair. HAHAHAHA
and then she said
"It's like chicks who start dieting in June in order to get a bikini body for July".

This is so true.
That's why I started the 30days shred again, last Sunday (that and yeah, I look like an overweight hippo)

But I can'ìt stop loving Jillian Michaels when she creams "You should feel you abs on FIRE!!!!!"

consequences of NYE

...and then, when the cops show up at your husband's parents place saying they have to ask questions in relation to certain phone calls intercepted last 31 December, blame yourself.
fuck.
super fuck.

PS Am leaving for Germany in a couple hours, due to work meetings. I'm sure it will be nothing, so don't worry if I don't post for some days.

Instructions on how to survive New Years Eve for a wannabe skinny

Disclaimer:
as you may have noticed, this is a strictly over 18 blog. I do not encourage doing what I write bout in any way.

FIRST
Wear something comfortable. The other girls, all wrapped in too tight dresses, will look fatter, you'll feel better.

SECOND
When you get to your friends house, check out the food and compliment the cooks. Before dinner I mean!

THIRD
When someone starts pouring aperitivo, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Blow a small line, oh, and before you buy some random coke, be sure the yours is cut with both novocaine AND laxies.

FOURTH
Drink some aperitivo. By this time, your from teeth will start feeling awkward. The bubbles from the champagne will increase this feeling. Try to staff some salted food in your mouth. It will taste like cardboard. Don't forget to keep complimenting the cook (with words, not facts).
By the first course, all your hunger will be forgotten.

Keep repeating when needed.

On the next days, avoid public activities as much as possible. You will poop often and conspicuously.
Don't forget to have fun and drink a lot of water!

Remember lovelies - bikini season's coming soon.