Never even noticed we’re suddenly crumbling
Tell me how you’ve never felt delicate or innocent,
Do you still have doubts that us having faith makes any sense?
Steve was testing me and even if I realized it, I was too bitter and just told him the truth. He asked me about the weekend and insisted, until I unveiled how “Boyfriend and I” was more like “Boyfriend, his two lady-friends from work, and I” and how I felt I was the one intruding. How they treat him like he’s THEIR boyfriend, chaperoning them here and there, how when I was soo tired at 6AM in the morning and felt like fainting we had to stay at the party (which was over) because one of them was hanging out with a boy and we couldn’t just leave her like that. (Hello? The girl is aged 34 and was driving her own car, and was not drunk. Couldn’t she deal with her own shit, huh?). I’m not even jealous, I know it’s like that when I’m not there, it’s fine, I don’t care, but when I’m in the scene, well, I AM THE GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Steve said I’m crazy if I’m accepting this situation, and I said I don’t know what to do. I said I cannot possibly dump him now: he quit his job and is moving to Italy for me, and I know what it’s like, so I just can’t dump him.
Steve said I should know all issues will eventually emerge. Which deep in my heart I know is likely. He didn't take the news very well though. I hurt him and I didn't want to. He just didn't let go and kept asking until I spilled everything.
I play games you play tricks,
Girls and girls but I’m the one
Like a game of pick up sticks,
Played by fucking lunatics!
So now let’s summarize what’s on my mind:
No 1: I’m fucking scared about BF moving, and I can’t avoid it. I know that if he wasn’t moving, I’d consider breaking up. In the end, I know all I can do is wait for him to settle here and see how things will go.
No 2: Steve may or may not be sentimentally involved with me. He may or may not have been hoping that I’d break up with Boyfriend. I’m fucking scared I’m going to lose him. Two hours ago he had to leave for a new project and will be working out of the office until September (although in the city): I’m already a bit at loss.
No 3: 124.1lbs. Again. I hate myself, I wanna cry and cry and cry. Instead, I have to work. Well, with Steve out of the office, no one will notice I’m fasting.
As for the new girl, here is my decision. Today I’m working in a part of the office where I won’t see her, but when I go back to the open space, I’ll just hide my red bracelet. I’ll even take it off for a couple of days if necessary. In the meanwhile, I’ll watch over her. Let’s see whether she starts crying or not. I really hope for both of us that she doesn’t.
PS: Matilda, lovely, the red bracelet is the worldwide symbol of ana supporters.
2 comments:
Stupid Boys. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Don't feel bad because he's moving to Italy for you. He treats you like crap, just dump him. Do it for yourself, for Steve, for whoever. But do it.
Stay Strong.
I gotta tell you, i agree with steve, and don't think that you should put up with that shit from your man. I don't know... maybe you should just try telling him that it bothered you? I hope you can figure something out, hun. I don't like the fact that he's hurting you.
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